PAIRING : Buffy/?

RATING : PG14

SPOILERS : general Buffy/Angel

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Never Had A Dream Come True” (S Club 7).

WARNINGS : ANGSTY!

                I used to dream. Quite often in fact. I used to dream of a white knight that would rescue me from eating all my vegetables and going to bed before nine. I don’t dream anymore. I have nothing to dream about. I left all my dreams in the past. I suppose everybody’s got something they had to leave behind. One regret from yesterday that just  seems to grow with time. Mine? One word. Angel.

                Angel was my greatest dream come true, and my one and only regret.

                I should have fought. I should have fought with all I had. I didn’t. But I should have. But there’s no use looking back or wondering how it could be now or might have been. It’s over. And this I know, but still I can’t find ways to let myself know.

                I never had a dream come true, ‘til the day that I found him. It was like I was waiting for him, all my life, I was waiting. But he left because we can’t be together. But that’s not the reason why, now. It’s because it’s over. And I pretend that I’ve moved on, but inside, he’ll always be my baby. I should have fought. I should have said, “wait.” I should have ran to him after graduation and begged him to stay. I should have made it hard, but I couldn’t find the words to say.

                So he’s the one I think about, each day. He’s my regret. And I know that no matter where life has taken me, a part of me will forever be waiting for him.

                Wasn’t it yesterday that he left me? Wasn’t it yesterday that we made love and kissed in the sun? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I found him in Faith’s bed? Somewhere in my memory, I’ve lost my sense of time. And I can’t move on because it’s yesterday that fills my mind. If I hadn’t pushed him away in senior year, would he have stayed? If we had killed the mayor, or gotten his scorpions, would he have left? If I had thrown myself at his feet, would he have walked away? If I had told him that I remember, would it have made a difference?

                But there’s no use looking back or wondering how it could be now or might have been. And I know that. I do. But still, I can’t find ways to let him go. He’s the only thing that ever made sense. He’s the only person who really knew me. He’s the only one that can make my body quiver. He’s the only one that fits me so perfectly.

                I never had a dream come true, ‘til the day that he followed me into that alley. And I can sit in my house, and watch my grandchild run around my feet, and I can pretend that I’ve moved on. But inside, I know. He’ll always be my baby.

                I tried to call. The night before the wedding. I tried to tell him not to marry her, to marry me instead. I never found the words to say. I wonder what he would have said. Would he have left her? I’ll always wonder. I’ll always think about him, every day. His lips, his hands, his eyes, his voice. He consumes me. And I know that no matter where life takes me, or how far, a part of me will always be his.

                Always. That’s the promise I made. That’s the promise I meant. He’ll always be the dream that fills my head. Yes he will. And I wish he could know. I wish I could tell him. He’ll always be the one I know I’ll never forget.

                Never forget. So many broken promises. And I know that there’s no use looking back or wondering, because I know love is strange. Love is a funny thing. Spike told me that once. I didn’t know what it meant back then. I do now.

                “No matter how I try and try, I just can’t say goodbye, Angel. Please forgive me. Forgive that I’m sitting here, in my car, watching you play with your daughter. Forgive that I can’t let you go. Forgive that I’d leave my family for one night with you. Because I’ve never had a dream come true, ‘til the day that I found you. Even though I pretend I’ve moved on, you’ll always be my baby. And now that I have the words to say, you won’t listen, and you can’t hear me because the windows are closed. And as much as I scream, you won’t hear me.”

                *Ring* *Ring* I pick up the phone. “Hello?”

                “Where are you? I’ve been lookin’ for you.”

                “I’m just driving, open road and all. I’ll be home in a couple hours. I promise.”

                “Okay, Luv. I love you.”

                “I love you too, Spike.”

                “Forever.” He says.

                “You’ll always be my baby.” I cut the call and look back to Angel’s smile. He’s the one that I think about each day. “And I know that no matter where life takes me to, a part of me will always be here with you.”

                “SLAYER!” He growls as his seed fills me. He rolls off and I smile before turning away. I used to dream. Quite often in fact. I used to dream of a white knight that would rescue me from eating all my vegetables and going to bed before nine. I don’t dream anymore. There’s nothing to dream about.

~El Fin~