PAIRING : Buffy/Spike

RATING : PG

SPOILERS : general season 6

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters.

IMPROV : #48 superstition, belief, fantasy, suspicion

It's sick- but I think I may have actually been *waiting* for this. Like I said, I know it's sick.

I guess I have this belief that everything is about me. It's nothing that I do purposefully- but I guess when you save the world a few hundred times, you get to thinking that you're the center of it.

Or that's what I *used* to think. I know differently now. If I actually *was* the center of the world, I'd have my mom with me.

"You know what I miss?" I ask, even without having to turn over, without having to open my eyes. I know he's there. Like I said, I knew this would happen. I had a suspicion, hell even a premonition, that he'd be back, at some point in time.

"What'sat, Luv?" He asks quietly. Strange. I suppose I thought that when he *did* come back- he'd be a bit… angrier? More vicious? More un-chipped? I wasn't expecting a quite, meek voice like the one I got just now.

But I don't turn over. If I did, I would actually have to breathe, and see him, and remember…

"I miss when things were simple," I state because it's true. I miss when things were good and bad, black and white. I miss when I was still hiding who I am from my mom and she was raggin' on me about my homework and test scores. I miss slaying and all-night research parties about the next threat to my life and humanity. Hell- I even think I miss being tortured by my boyfriend's evil twin. *Anything* but *now*.

"Me too," he responds even softer yet. He understands. I know he does. I'm sure he misses when it was vampire and slayer, kill or be killed. I bet he misses when the lines between us were much more defined, rather than this blurry mess we created.

And for what? Why did we rip each other apart? Why did we destroy each other?

Oh- I think I already answered that question, Senator. It was because I had a hero-complex. It was back when I thought I was the center of the world. I guess things became crystal clear when I climbed out of the hole with Dawn.

It dawned on me that I *wasn't* the world's only protector, I wasn't even needed at all. I suppose I was led to believe that the world had some master plan for me. I wanted to believe that I was brought back for a reason. I *had* to believe that. I needed to have that belief, because I wasn't ready to face the truth: there is no plan.

I kept thinking that I was brought back to save the world and do my duty and be all I could I be, again. Again- with the hero-complex. But that wasn't the reason at all. Crawling out of that hole and seeing Willow's pain… it all made me see that I'd been brought back because my friends needed something to believe in. It wasn't about me at all.

I see now that there *was* no plan. There's no mystical power somewhere playing a computer game and deciding my life, deciding to screw me over. I wasn't brought back to save the world. I was brought back to *live* in it. I'd never had that chance before.

So why *did* we destroy each other and rip each other apart?

Simple. I wanted revenge. It was all about me. I had this fantasy in my head that whoever was in charge of my life would get royally screwed if I made a bad choice. If I fucked Spike, they would have to take me back- because I'd be no good to them. I thought that they brought me back to be their warrior, so if I screwed an enemy, they'd kill me again. And I'd be in Heaven.

But I didn't succeed. I only hurt us, both. I played him. For *once*, *I* played *him*.

However, as I was laying outside one night, listening to a gentle breeze, wondering where he'd gone… I realized something else. I was no better than Angelus. Angelus played my love for Angel against me. He tortured me with it. He teased and tormented me. And that's exactly what I did to Spike- only I was much worse. Because I let him touch and feel… and then I ripped it away, time and time again. Once more- it was all because I wanted revenge on whoever was in charge. I wanted to smite them for what they did to me.

But they didn't do it. My friends did, and in the end, I punished no one. I only hurt myself and I hurt Spike.

I tried to deny it- but deep down, I knew his love (as sick, ill-timed and strange as it was) was real. And I used him for it, because I knew I *could*. And *that* made me sick to my stomach that night. I was sadistic with him.

I guess it was the summer of realizations. I thought everything happened because of me, when that isn't the case at all.

I thought I had to send Angel to Hell as a test. But now I see that it happened because he needed to learn some things about himself- like that he was strong enough to survive without me, since inevitably- that's how he'll be.

Faith didn't come to wreck me. She had to experience what she did so she could be a better person.

And I didn't die because I *had* to. I died because we all had things to learn. I thought it was a punishment when I was brought back- or a mistake. But now I see that death *is* my gift.

I'm *lucky*. I'm probably one of the luckiest people on the planet. People live in fear of death everyday. But I don't, not anymore. I don't fear death because I've been there- and I know that I'll be happy and with my mom. I know the world will keep going because that's what it's always done. And I know I'll be whole and at peace and in a good place. So now, I don't have to live in fear of death. I can just *live*.

No silly superstitions for me. No fear of demons or vampires. When it happens, I know the world will keep going.

Death *was* my gift. I just needed to live again to realize it.

"Where did you go?" I ask, holding the blanket tighter to my breasts.

"Af- Afr- Africa," he stutters. Who *is* this?

I turn over and see him standing there, near the window. His clothes are tattered and his hair is a bit darker- not bleached. And he's… he's different, somehow.

"What happened?" I ask.

"I… I… just-" he mumbles and starts backing away. "I… havetogo," he says quickly as he turns to the window.

I don't know why I say it, but I say, "William."

He spins around and looks at me and- "Mygod," I gasp. I would have *never* believed it had I not seen it with my own two eyes.

"Wh-"

I saw the change before- it's all in the eyes. Angelus… his eyes were cold, detached. Even when Spike was claiming to be in love with me, they were still one-dimensional. He loved me. He wasn't *in* *love* with me. There's a difference.

"You… you got a soul," I say in disbelief, even as I'm staring into his eyes, which are penetratingly deep for the first time since I've know him.

"How did you- I mean-" he stumbles for the words as much as he stumbles for the window.

"I can see it," I tell him. I guess even Spike has things to learn. It sort of leads me to think that perhaps what happened between us wasn't my revenge, but rather some lessons for *him*.

"I didn't- I mean… it doesn't change anything," he says and in a way, he's right. It doesn't change what happened. It doesn't change that we ripped each other apart and that I felt disgusted with myself. It doesn't change the fact that he almost raped me, or that we hurt each other beyond recognition. It *can't* change those things.

But in a way, "it changes everything," I state. "It changes everything."

~El Fin~