PAIRING : Spike/female & suggested female/Tara and Spike/Buffy

RATING : NC17

SPOILERS : quasi-season 6

SUMMARY : I can't give too much away- just know that the second pairings above are suggested and insinuated and slightly described… grr- I can't give too much away- I'm sorry!

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters.

I honestly never thought I'd be here. To tell you the truth, I thought for a while that I might be gay. Not that eating Tara out wasn't fantastic- but… after a while I started craving something hard.

Don't get me wrong- I love her tongue and I love her fingers. I love what she did to me- does to me.

I love feeling her hair spread out on my skin as she suckles my breasts after we make love. I love feeling the softness of her skin under my fingers and around my fingers when they're inside her. I love when she starts panting as she rocks herself on my knee and rolls my nipples between her fingers.

So then one might ask me why I'm covered in sweat on my hands and knees as he pounds into me. I might ask myself why I'm here being fucked like an animal and to tell you the truth, the first time this happened- I hated myself.

And I loathed myself even more the next day as I kneeled in front of him. I opened my mouth as he slid his quasi-flaccid cock into my mouth and ordered me to suck him until he was hard. (Not that I minded- because I didn't.)

But when he thrust inside me that day, I decided that I didn't care. I loved him. Still do.

"You like that, Pet?" He grunts in my ear as he pinches my clit. "You like my cock in you?"

"Always," I moan and arch my back up so he slides in farther, stretching me more. "God, deeper," I whisper.

"Yeah, Luv? You want me deeper? Like this?" He asks before brutally slamming his hips against my ass- thrusting his cock against my cervix.

"UH!" Shit- I *love* when he does this to me. "Spike-" I whimper. "Please-"

"Please what?" He asks. He wants me to beg; but I don't feel like it yet.

"Make me come, "I grunt.

"Never-" he growls in my ear and slams into me again.

"I'll make it worth your while," I say, turning my head and catching his lips with my own. I flex my muscles around him as I bite his tongue. I feel his arms wrapped around me, his hands twisting and squeezing my breasts.

Who would have thought that I would be like this? Want this? Even *crave* this? Certainly not I, not until two years ago- after making love with Tara and feeling empty.

"Still not gonna make you come, Luv," he says, nipping at my neck.

Shit- he really is in a cruel mood today. But whatever- I love feeling him stretch me.

I rest my forehead on the pillow and rest my weight on my forearms. I gasp at the change in position and watch my breasts sway as I rock back against him. I look further, between my legs, at his legs. He's so muscular and it's times like these (when he's so deep inside me) that I think we're truly together. I can tease myself into thinking that Tara's not waiting for me at home.

He drives deeply into me and starts brushing against my g-spot. "Shit-" he can always find it to torture me.

Gods- he *is* amazing. I've wanted him for so long- it's hard to believe I actually have him inside me- finally.

There were so many times in the last five years that I wanted him to kiss me. So many times when I was lying with Tara and wished that he were lying next to me too, because I love them both. Although I'll admit that I've loved him longer, he just couldn't see me back then. God, was it really so long ago since I realized my feelings went deeper than just mild friendship? Since I told myself in the bathroom after physics class that I was in love with Spike? But it *has* been ten years.

"SPIKE!" I scream as I feel his finger slide inside me along with his cock.

"Wanna see how much you can take," he growls softly.

"You *know* how much I can take," I answer as I bite my bottom lip and throw my hips back into his. I love feeling how our bodies move with each other. "Please, Spike," I moan.

"Tell me," he grunts as he adds another finger.

He really does love to hear me talk sometimes. Sometimes, my late night phone calls to him are all we have. "I love when you fuck me. I love when you shove yourself inside me until I bleed. I love when you fill me until I leak and then fill me more. I love *you*, Spike."

"That's my girl," he growls before twisting my clit violently.

"SPIKE!" I shriek as I come violently. He growls in my ear and explodes, spurting jet after cool jet of cum inside me. That's one thing that I really like and it's the only thing that is completely his to give me- his cum. Tara can't flood my insides with her. She can fill my mouth and I can (and do) drink her, but she can't bathe my insides with her essence- not like he can. And she can't do it in love, either.

Our hips slow as we collapse onto the bed. I can feel him pressed against me, crushing me, licking the sweat from the back of my neck as I catch my breath.

"Oh god- I can't move, Spike," I confess. But he already knows; he feels the same way. "That was amazing."

"Isn't it always?" He asks as he kisses my shoulder softly.

"Mmm- always," I smile. He rolls off me and onto the bed. I can feel his eyes burning my skin. He likes to stare at me. The first time we made love was a week after we'd first had sex. I couldn't stand one more lonely night with Tara in my arms. I can't be what she needs me to be and sometimes, it kills me. It kills me that she can't love me- maybe she never will after what happened. Some things are unforgettable, but I still love the taste of her in my mouth and the feel of her skin against mine.

I crawled out from underneath her that night and opened the door to the crypt- not expecting him to be here. I thought he'd be… *out*. But he was sitting here in the dark, crying- saying that he couldn't stand feeling sometimes, wishing he could just ignore everything he felt. I told him I understood and I sat next to him.

I leaned into him and pressed my lips against his softly and he pulled away. I told him I couldn't sleep with him again because I couldn't do that twice- I couldn't survive two one-sided relationships. He asked what I was talking about and I confessed that I was in love with him and that I had been for some time. I nearly fell over when he said he felt the same way- and that having sex with me had been near Heaven.

That night was the first time we made love. He took my clothes off and stared at me (much like he is now) for about an hour before running his hands over my body- before pressing his cool lips to my hot skin and sliding into me. It was so slow that night, as we promised our love. And we've had many nights like that since, although tonight was not one of them.

"I have to go," I whisper, breaking the silence.

"Don't," he says as he flips me over and starts kissing my breasts tenderly and laving them with his tongue.

"Stop- you know I have to go. She's expecting me."

I start to get up but he grabs my waist and pulls me back down. "I don't care," he states.

"Yes, you do-" I say. "I have to go, just like you do. They're expecting us."

He reluctantly lets me go and I go about grabbing my clothes.

"When'll you come back, Ducks?"

"I don't know. You know we can't plan these things out. I have Tara and you have to be with-"

"Buffy," he finished my sentence because he knows I can't stand the fact that he's still in love with her. He still goes to her and fucks her on the nights when we're not together. But she always kicks him out after she's had his fun. I can't believe she's still doing that after ten years. Is it any wonder why he's so starved for affection?

"The choice we made," I state, partially to remind him, but mainly to remind *myself* of why I can't stay.

"We should make new choices- we should be together."

I glance at him as I pull my shirt on. "Yeah, but you love Buffy and-"

"You love Tara. I know." And we'd rather still feel the broken two that we love- rather than feel nothing of them at all. Sometimes, you just have to cling to the people you love- no matter how much it hurts.

"But," I slide into his lap and kiss him deeply. "I also love you. But you know it would just destroy them."

Gods- I love him so much, but I love her too. This is always the hardest part of the night: saying goodbye. He pulls me close to him and I rest my head on his shoulder for a while.

But this is the decision we made- that night after making love for hours. We decided that Buffy was too on edge still about having come back from the dead and being dead herself. I honestly think she *wants* to love him, but she's incapable of loving anyone anymore. She doesn't even love herself. And Tara…Tara wouldn't (couldn't) forgive me for this. She wouldn't forgive me, not after what happened with Willow. She'd never-

"If you stay another minute, I'm not going to let you leave," he whispers to me.

"Okay. I'm going. I'll call, Spike. We'll-"

"Talk. I know."

I stand up and head for the door. "I love you, Dawn," he says.

"Love you too," I reply before leaving.

It's been so long since Willow just up and left with Xander. Tara was just broken after that- after she'd put so much of herself into helping Willow kick magic and working so much on their relationship. She was so completely in love with Willow and then Willow just decided she wanted boys (Xander). I can't crush Tara like that again.

And Buffy- she was just never right after they brought her back. She doesn't love anyone anymore- certainly not me. She tries so hard, but I can see the deadness in her eyes. But at least (as much as I hate to say it) that when she's with Spike- she feels like she's living. At least she can find solace of some kind in him. And how can I deny her that after she died to give me a life?

Spike and I are so desperately in our love with the others, and so lonely in their beds… but at least here we're not comfort food. Here- we're lovers.

~El Fin~