RATING: PG
PAIRING: Buffy/Spike
SPOILERS: Post-Chosen
THANK YOU TO: Ryan, Sanne, Evil Wills, Anne, Ali, Benita, felisblanco, Heather, William's Girl, Pohlin, Kim, Val, Jaime & Shippy
Please enjoy with tissues and send lots of praise
and encouragement!
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1
"So… what are we gonna do *now*, Buffy?" Dawn asked her sister, as if she would have the answers. But *no* one had the answers. The only answer any of them could answer was: did we win?
"We need to rest," Buffy answered as they climbed back on the bus. "We need… beds and-" She knew where they would go, where they could go and rest.
"We're going to L.A.," she said as she climbed into the driver's seat and just drove.
Buffy didn't have the strength to do anything else. She just drove. She couldn't think. Didn't *want* to.
They had gone with an army of thirty and left with fifteen. But she couldn't think about those left behind, not now, maybe not ever.
She just drove.
------
"Buffy?" Her name echoed through the empty foyer before the other refugees made is through the doors, but the name wasn't spoken with the right accent. And it made her sad.
"Hi! Surprise?" She said.
"Buffy!" He repeated before yanking her into his arms. "We- on the news! We didn't think- god, you're *here*."
"Yeah, we… well, you know me. I really am not *fond* of schools, and we figured, why stop there?" She joked expressionlessly.
"How many did you- it was… bad?"
"The worst," she said softly. "We… need a place to-"
"I've got plenty of room, blankets, towels- we've got-" He smelled blood, from Buffy, from most everyone. "Plenty."
Calls were made and Angel's friends came to help the wounded, sent for supplies and food and Buffy just felt numb. She just- stood, watching, just numb.
She was tired from months of no rest. No- that was untrue. There *had* been rest. Three nights of sleeps that were- She stopped herself and inhaled deeply.
"Buffy? You're hurt."
"I'm okay," she told Dawn, just as she'd told Angel and Willow and Xander.
"You should… get some sleep, you'll feel better."
But she knew she wouldn't.
And suddenly the huge room was too small and she fled to the courtyard where she hoped she could breathe easier.
She stood in the sunlight, letting is fall on her face and warm her like it did on-
"Buffy?"
"Isn't it a bit… flamey out here for-"
"I'm *sorry*, Buffy," he said as he stood in the shadow of the overhand. "Sorry he-"
"No you're not," she stated. "Don't lie. You're glad I gave *him* the job of wearing that stupid- and not *you*."
"Buffy-"
"He was so happy about it too. *Proud*, that I picked him over you. Proud that I thought of him as a Champion. Did you- *know*? What it would-"
"No," he said. "I… when I held it though, it felt warm to me, dangerous."
She crossed her arms and just stood in the sun, not looking at him.
"Did you- I don't know," he finished. He wasn't *sure* what he wanted to know. "I'm just- for what it's worth, I'm sorry."
"I know. Me too."
And she was sorry. She was sorry she wasted time. She was sorry that it had felt that something *real* could have happened and that now it never would. She was sorry she would never be able to give Spike that, to repay him for all the strength he gave her, for the undying love, even when she couldn't handle it.
She was sorry she would never get to tell him that she *had* meant it, what she said.
And she'd never get to show him.
Suddenly, her body just gave out and she just started crying and her insides ached for him and she was just wracked with sadness and she fell in a crying heap in the middle of the courtyard, crying and wailing.
A few came out, but no moved toward her.
They just watched her mourn.
2
It was not long after the sun went down, long after everyone had gone back inside to leave her in peace, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. A cool hand.
And it hurt.
It stung.
"What?" She asked, look up at him.
"You should try and get some sleep."
"Ya know, I've done what had to be done, what I was told I had to do for the past five months. If I wanna sit here for the rest of my life, I'm gonna do just that."
"Buffy, I know you're hurting, but-"
"Stop it!" She half-yelled as she stood up. "You don't *know* what I'm going through, Angel. And you wanna know why? Because you *left*. You don't know me and I don't know you. You have no *idea* what I did to him!"
She was on the verge of tears again.
"So tell me."
"It's none of your business," she said.
"Maybe you're right, but… you can't- you *shouldn't* go through this alone."
"Buffy, he's right, you-"
"What is this? Intervention?" She asked as Willow came out.
"No, I just- you're exhausted. You should get some sleep, you've barely slept at all. You'll feel-"
"If you *dare* say I'll feel better in the morning, you can choke on it. Spike is *dead*!" She said and noticed a few others coming out. "He gave up his *life* for me, for YOU guys! To save this fuckin' *world* and no one wants to even bother giving him another *thought*?! No, if I'm the one mourning, I *will* do it alone," she snarled and walked past everyone.
She climbed the stairs to the top floor and grabbed an empty room.
Buffy sat on the edge of the bed, not knowing what to do. She hadn't known what to do about her mother either so she had sat with Angel all night long. She should have been with Spike.
She wished she could tell him that.
She just kept thinking about how beautiful he looked, how warm his hand had been to her touch- the *last* touch. He was so proud, proud to die if it meant she could live. She wondered if Angel would have made that choice.
"Buffy?"
"What?" She asked, wiping her eyes.
"I just-" He handed her a set of clean clothes. "They're Cordelia's, but… your shirt has-"
"I got stabbed," she said.
"Buffy, you're right," Angel said as he sat next to her.
"What?"
"You're right. I *don't* know what happened or why and no matter what I think, or thought, about Spike, he *did* save you. He *did* give you… something. Maybe it was something I couldn't."
"Yeah, he never left me. When I needed him, he was there, no matter how shitty I treated him."
He was quiet for some time. She was too.
There had been a time when she thought she wanted nothing more than to fall into Angel's arms. There had been a time when she thought just being in the same room with him would make everything better.
She had been wrong. It made it worse.
"Thank you," she stated, her voice breaking the silence.
"For what?"
"For leaving me. I- may have protested and hated it, but-"
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I always just wanted you to be happy and-"
"Yeah, well, my only chance at that, my only *real* chance just burned up, so forgive me if I'm a little upset."
"Do you really think that-"
"I took his hand and he was so warm. I told him I loved him, I said 'I love you' and ya know what he said? He looked at me and said 'No you don't, but thanks for saying it'. He'll never know that I meant it. I just… didn't know I did at the time."
She felt his hand start to move around her but she stood up. "Thanks for the clothes. I just- wanna be alone."
"Okay," he said and stood up and left, leaving the clothes on the bed.
She sighed and wiped her eyes. She was so tired. She kept hoping that she'd close her eyes and wake up and be back in bed after Riley left when she first found out about how Spike felt and she could-
She shook her head and headed into the bathroom to shower.
She wondered if she'd even be *able* to sleep. She wasn't sure if she even remembered what it meant to sleep an entire night.
She pulled the t-shirt on and shut the bathroom light off as she walked out into the-
"You shouldn't look so sad, Luv."
"*What*?" She jerked to the side and he was- "Spike?"
"Although I always did like you in white. Or *out* of white, but-"
"Spike?!" Her eyes flooded with tears as she stared at him, leaning against the dresser. "What are you-" And then her eyes filled with fear. "Get *out*," she said. "Leave me alone. You didn't win."
"Not the First, Pet, see?" He slapped his hand on the dresser. "See?"
"Are you a ghost?"
"Do I look ghosty? Don't answer that. I'm just- *me*."
"God, I'm so sorry, Spike," she said. "I never got to-"
"Don't, Luv. Just… sleep."
"Are you- back?"
"I'm here because you need me, Buffy. It's the only reason I was anywhere."
"Are you- you're not *real*."
"Would you stop trying to figure me out and just hug me?" He smiled.
She ran into his arms and held him *so* tightly as she sobbed into his chest. "I'm sorry, Spike. I'm sorry for everything I-"
"No need, Pet. Just… your friends are right. You should sleep."
"Will you- can you stay?" She asked, stepping away from him for a second.
"Yeah, I'll hold you."
And she settled against him, her head on his chest,
and she was soon fast asleep.