PAIRING : Spike POV, Spike/Dru & Spike/Angelus & Angelus/Dru overtones

RATING : mild R, mental torture spoken/thought about- but not actually included

SPOILERS : general and none- sort of Joss' beginning and my own backstory on Dru

IMPROV: #47 Ryan Adans Song Title Challenge

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters.

Wanna know why I hate my damn sire so much? It's simple really. One word, actually. Drusilla.

I don't care if he wanted to shag every slayer in history or if he got a soul or begged the slayer for one. I don't care that he left me after making my world revolve around him. Fuck, I don't even bloody care that my body still craves him. I don't effin' care that he used me and abused me and made me love him and then left. He chose the slayer over me and I don't fuckin' care.

The one and only reason I hate my sire with all the passion I possess is Drusilla.

She's the sweetest creature I've ever known. Vicious and vile. Sultry and stunning. Innocent and loving. Beautiful and joyful. And he wrecked her. Time and time again, he wrecks her.

Half the time, I never knew whether the nightmare she awoke from was him or her past. I suppose it's all the same in her small mind- as if she wasn't in pain enough.

He tormented her and when he was through with that, he turned the only thing she loved far more than life into the enemy. He made her hate God.

I used to be a Christian man. I was a good one too. But it all changed the night my dark goddess found me. I haven't gone back. I'm better now than I was, that's for sure- and I'm sure if Mother saw me now, she'd agree. Sure I went to church and all- but I never believed. I never cared one way or another. I just followed the rules like a good man would.

But Dru? God was her savior. He was her solace and when the visions started coming, she prayed each night he would banish them from her. She wanted to dedicate her life to serving him.

It's funny to picture my Drusilla as a nun, or something else priestly. I think about that at some of the weirdest times like when she's ripping out someone's lung, or her lips are covered in blood and she looks at me... I'll picture her with the habit on, praying, and I just have to laugh.

But she believed and she needed that. And he stole it from her and then some.

You can read all the books you want on Drusilla, but you'll never know the truth. I do though. I've seen glimpses of it and actually used my intellect to find out more about her. See- Dru and I were a mere twenty years apart, really. It was easy to track down people who knew of the 'Convent Massacre' and those who it claimed. I simply *had* to know *something* when I awoke, and I needed something to fill the time between buggerings.

Drusilla was to become a nun, partially because of her undying devotion to 'the Lord' and partially because of her desire to get out of her house.

If there ever was a 'Cinderella', I think Drusilla was she. On the outside, it looked like an adoring family- father, mother, and three daughters. But Drusilla didn't ever know her father, not her real one anyway. It wasn't her fault- it was her mum's. It was rumored that her mum had relations with another man and that Lord Clague had been away on business for four months. Six months later, their third daughter was born, which meant that said daughter had been conceived whilst he was away.

I found a maid of the Clague household, who was quite a bit older than she'd been during her time serving the house. She said that the last daughter was only treated as a daughter outside. She didn't say much, specifically; only that Drusilla was treated as another maid- that she even slept in the maid's quarters. She said when the Lord was around, Lady Clague treated her daughter with disdain and hate. Only when he was away, was she allowed to show her child any affection.

The rest of what I know about that household came from Dru's pleas and prayers she would recite in the middle of the day when she thought I was asleep. I learned much from her murmurs in the middle of the day when she was tossing and turning. She would cry out to her father to stop. She'd scream, 'Daddy, Daddy, NO!'

Of course I was never sure to which 'Daddy' she was referring. I think, in her mind, the lines between Lord Clague and Angelus rarely exist.

Angelus didn't drive her crazy, he only completed the process.

Drusilla turned to God because she believed he would save her. She needed to believe that the wicked get punished. It's what she convinced herself of during the nights when the only man she knew as 'father' would rape her. She wanted to devote her life to God so she could get out of that house and find some peace.

Angelus wrecked that. He took her out of one home and brought her into *his* home, slowly. He didn't turn her right away. Nearest I could figure, he treated her as a common whore for about five months while he programmed her body. He made her crave pain more so than she already did. Then when she was praying for the end, for Heaven, he made her a monster.

Angelus made her only solace and comfort into her enemy. 'God doesn't want me.' She would often repeat this over and over during her episodes of insanity. He told her this, and showed her. She has a belly full of deep, scarring, cross burns to prove it.

And in the process? In the process of proving to her that there is no God, he made her *love* him for it. She loves him for taking her away from her father, for 'saving' her and showing her the moon. She loves him for making her love the pain. It's sick and twisted and unforgivable.

*That's* why I hate my sire with a blinding passion.

She should have peace. She should be in Heaven, living eternally without fear. *He* took that from her.

I know she'll never completely love me, like I love her. I know she can't and I know why. HIM.

Regardless, it's my job to take care of her because I love her and she deserves something better than what's she gotten in the past. No matter how blinded by her desire for him she is.

I just needed to be reminded of this. I just needed her to come and remind me that I'm a wicked boy. I look at Dru sleeping, whimpering and crying, whispering 'God doesn't want me' and I remember why I fell so hard for her.

It's in these moments when she's so innocent and fragile that I realize I'll follow my dark goddess to the end of the Earth and back. Because one day, when she's run out of visions and she doesn't whimper anymore, she'll open her eyes and she won't see him or the past. One day, she'll forget. One day, she'll be nobody and on that day, she'll be *mine*.

My nobody girl.

~El Fin~