PAIRING : Buffy/Angel, mentions Buffy/Riley

RATING : R

SPOILERS : general season 4/5

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Bed of Lies”, “You Won’t Be Mine” & “Mad Season” (Matchbox20).

Bed of Lies

(Riley’s POV)

You Won’t Be Mine

(Angel’s POV)

Mad Season

(Buffy’s POV)

Epilogue

****

She doesn’t love me. Did she ever?

//No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
so toss me out and turn in//

When did I learn this? When did I come to this realization? Was it when I told one of her closet friends that she doesn’t love me? No. I knew before that. Was it when I told her that I loved her more than anything, and she just smiled? It was long before that, I know. My heart is tired of hoping.

//And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am//

I was foolish. I see that now. I know she tried but I don’t think I can take another empty moment. I don’t think that I can fake another hollow smile from the woman I love. I’ve confessed my love during phone conversations, car rides, and moments full of passion. But it’s not enough just to be sorry anymore.

I can’t accept another apology. And I can’t give another. I’m sorry I can’t be who you need me to be. I’m sorry if I’m not enough. I’m sorry if I’m jealous. I can’t help it. He has something I’ll never have. He has your love. I may make love to you, but you make love to him. I’ve heard you whisper his name when you sleep. Don’t think I didn’t notice when you whispered *his* name last night when *I* was buried deep inside you. You whispered it. You can’t deny it.

She covered her tracks quickly by calling me her angel, but I know. I’d say something, but we’ve had this conversation before. And I don’t think that I could take another talk about it.

Just like me you got needs, and they’re only a whisper away. One simple name. One simple word that floats breathlessly from your mouth as we softly surrender to these lives that we’ve tendered away.

And yes, I stand here holding her close to me. As if the act could make her love me more. As if it could make me him. But it won’t. It can’t. I accept that now.

//No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am//

I thought, when he showed up here, that it would be over. I don’t wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over. I don’t want to have to tell her we’re through. I don’t think she knows that she hasn’t let go. I don’t think she knows she can’t. But I don’t wanna be somewhere where I just don’t belong, where it’s not enough just to be sorry. This is not enough for me anymore. And she shouldn’t have to settle.

In her, I’ve found the person who I want to stay with. I want to live my life with her. I want to give her children and a life full of love and happiness. But those are mine to give to her. She wants what she can’t have, and she can’t accept that fact.

I don’t want to give up. But don’t you know I feel the darkness closing in? I tried to me more than me. And I gave ‘til it all went away. I tried to be *him*. But it didn’t work and we’ve only surrendered to the worst part of these winters we’ve made

//No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am//

I am all that I’ll ever be. I’m sorry if that’s not good enough. I’ve tried to walk away but when you lay your hands over me I can’t look you in the eyes and tell your goodbye.

There was one time I remember well. We were sitting in the cemetery on patrol when she thought she saw a shadow. Just then a tall dark man walked by wearing a black duster and I saw in her eyes a light and hope that I could never put there. She paused but a second and looked at me. She knew I knew what she’d thought. She opened her mouth as if to say something and I felt like screaming don’t go weak on me now! But she just shut her mouth and went back to the vacant stare into nothingness.

I often wonder what she sees in that nothingness. Does she see his face? Does she see his eyes? Does she feel him above her the only time they made love? I see that same look when I open my eyes when we’re making love. I wonder if she even knows my name in those moments. And I know that it’s weak. But God help me I need this. I need her. I know it’s not fair to either one of us, but I need to make love to her. I need to feel her below me, above me, around me; I need to feel her. So I close my eyes and pretend she loves me back.

But I can’t. I can’t anymore.

//No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning//

I pull away from her and take one last look into those beautiful eyes full of love for someone else. Someone older and stronger than I. She opens her mouth as if to say something, as if to protest the loss of closeness. As if she’s mad that I ended her dream. And as I look at her I see that love and light, and that hope that I so rarely see in her eyes. And for a second I think that perhaps she sees the truth. Perhaps she realizes how much I love her. But as I look at her, I know she’s staring behind me. And I know he’s there.

“Buffy?” I ask and she continues to stare behind me, as if her very breath depends on seeing him. “Goodbye.” I say and I walk away. I can’t. I’m marking it down to learning I am.

****

Why must I fight this battle? I didn’t choose it. It chose me. Why? It’s not fair. Why punish me so? I wasn’t a murderer before. I wasn’t a bad person back then. It’s not fair. Why must I be punished? Why must they continually send me back here only to see her and leave her? Why must she look so incredibly beautiful and innocent all the time? And why can’t she be mine?

Because I can’t be who she needs. I tried. She looks at me like I’m an angel, and believe me, I’m the farthest thing from it. I’ve done my share of murder, and rape. I’ve pillaged and I’ve maimed. I’ve stalked, and chased, and hurt. But doesn’t want to see that part of me.

Why can’t you see? Take your head around the world and see what you get from your mind Buffy. Write your soul down word for word and see who’s your friend, who is kind. Try it for once. Open your eyes and see me. But you can’t. And that’s why I can’t tell you that my soul has been permanent since last Thanksgiving. You couldn’t handle it.

The truth is painful. The truth hurts. It’s almost like a disease. We can’t escape it. We can’t deny it any longer either. So I come and I help and I smell you and I admire you from a far, behind the stacks of books Giles sets up.

And I hope and

//I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no - Oh no
No you won't be mine//

She wants me to her lover. She wants me to be her savior. She needs a father and a brother and a friend. She wants a confidant and an all-consuming love. And I can neither be nor am I any of those things. She wants me to be a man. And I’m not one. I never was.  Was I?

Take your straight line for a curve, but don’t put that on me. Make it stretch, the same old line, as much as you want. But I can’t do it. Try to find if it was worth what you spent. What we spent. What did we spend? Three years. She spent three years loving me. And she’ll spend the rest of her life regretting it. Or at least she should.

I see her, flush against him. I want that for her. I want her to find what I can’t be. I want her to be happy. I want her to have someone who makes love to her, who she can love back. But as she sees me, I can see it in her eyes. She knows he knows. And I know he does. She knows that he’s just second best for a picture she’s painted in her head.

Why you’re guilty for the way you’re feeling now Buffy? You need to have that. I can’t be what you need. I can’t pretend to be human anymore. It hurts too much. Don’t make me turn you away again when it’s almost like being free.

I can spend eternity dreaming of your heat. I can waste my existence away dreaming of your eyes as your first orgasm washed across your face. I can squander hours remembering the way you tasted, the way you felt, the way your blood tasted. But that’s all I see. When push comes to shove, *that’s* why I love you. Isn’t it? I don’t even know anymore.

I can afford the dreams where you accept me for who and what I am. Where you accept me and let me cover you in blood. I can be consumed by dreams of how you would feel and look riding me as I drink from your breast. But that can never happen. God that dream! It’s almost like a disease.

//I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no - Oh no
No you won't be mine//

I want to possess her. I want to own her. I want to claim her as my own and take her away. I wanna lock her up, and keep her for myself. I want everyone to know to whom she belongs. I want her to be mine. But she isn’t. She can’t be. So take yourself out to the curb and sit and wait, a fool for life. For a life I can’t have. It’s almost like a disease.

I don’t know what he said to her. I couldn’t see his mouth. It didn’t affect her. She walks towards me. I know soon you will be over the lies. You’ll be strong. You’ll be rich in love and you will carry on. You have to. I can’t give you what you need.

****

I feel stupid, but I know it won’t last for long as the music starts up again and he tells me I won’t be his. I’ve been guessing, but I coulda been guessin’ wrong. I know what he thinks. I can see it in his eyes. He thinks I don’t know.

“You don’t know me now Angel. I kinda thought that you should somehow.” But I know that he’s confused. He thinks I don’t see him for what he is. “Does that whole mad season got ya down?” I ask, but he doesn’t answer.

I feel stupid as I begin to dance against him, and he does nothing. But it’s something that comes and goes and I don’t care at this point. I’m tired of the games. I’ve been changin’, and I think it’s funny how no one knows. No one sees. No one can understand.

I turn around and my back rubs against his stomach and his hand snakes around my waist. I can feel his hardened desire against my butt. I imagine what we could do with it. Where would he want to put it? Where would I let him? Anywhere. But we don’t talk about the little things that we do without. We never did when that whole mad season came around. And perhaps we should have.

I gyrate against him and he moans softly, pretending he doesn’t feel it. I turn around and stand there, letting the music take me away. I look at him standing there, lost in the moment, and lost in the hope that I can accept what he needs me to. So why ya gotta stand there looking like the answer now? It seems to you’d come around. “I need you now Angel.”

//Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I’m lost and I’m hopeless
bleeding and broken - though I’ve never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season//

Why didn’t I ever tell him? Why did I let it go this far? I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin’ on. I feel ugly. I catch his eyes and it’s almost like he can see the change now. His hands reach out and pull me into his body. He takes a step in between my legs and I grind myself into his thigh. “But I know I still turn you on.” I whispered into his ear. “You grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around. Will that whole mad season knock you down?”

“Buffy.” And the moment is over, and he releases me. But I won’t accept it. He turns to walk away and I let him. We leave. We walk out and I grab his arm.

“ANGEL!” I scream at him. “So are you gonna stand there? Or are you gonna help me out?”

“Buffy…”

“NO. We need to be together now. We can be. I need you now. Do you think you can cope? Can you accept the fact that I think about you?”

And he just stares at me, completely confused and lost, as if all his hopes on the brink of coming true, but he can’t quite accept it.

//You figured me out – that I’m lost and I’m hopeless
bleeding and broken - though I’ve never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season//

He turns to leave again, whispering, “goodbye.”

“And now I’m cryin’. Isn’t that what you want? I’m tryin’ to live my life on my own, but I won’t. I can’t.” I grab his hand and pull him towards his old place. At times, I do believe I am strong, but I’m not. Someone tell me why do I feel stupid? I’ve come undone. I can’t play the game anymore.

I open the door and he follows me inside. He hasn’t been here. Neither have I. It was too sad. But it’s time. I pull him towards the bedroom, where the blankets have been frozen in time. I can still see myself laying in the bed calling for my new lover, but he never came. God I need you now Angel. Do you think you can cope? You figured me out once before when I was lost and hopeless. And I’m bleeding and broken though I’ve never spoken. I come undone in this mad season. It’s been a mad season. But no more. I’ve felt stupid, but no more. I need you now.

****

I don’t know why she’s brought me here. “Buffy?” I ask but she pulls me to the bed and I sit down next to her, remembering one night four years ago. Was it that long ago? It was. I turn towards her and she hops up onto her knees on the bed and beings unbuttoning her shirt. “Buffy?”

“You think I don’t know? You think I haven’t thought about you? You think I’m just some little girl who doesn’t accept what you are? Angel, I know you’re a vampire. I know you’re a demon. I don’t care. I love you. All of you. I have for a while now.” Her shirt drops to the floor and my eyes unwillingly take in her black lace bra. She pulls me onto the bed and straddles my legs and I’m helpless against her. She runs her fingers over her neck. “I remember feeling you on top of me. I remember what it sounded like, what it felt like having your fangs inside me. How it felt to feel your tongue drinking me. I can remember feeling you hard. Do you always when you feed? Or was it just with me?”

“Buffy…” I interrupt, but she silences me with her fingers on my mouth.

“You think I want a man, a human. But that’s not what I want. That’s what you want for me. You think I don’t understand that you’re a vampire, that I can’t accept that.” She rips open my shirt and her warm fingers run up and down my bare chest before scraping their way down to my buckle. I moan and arch into her hips and she laughs. “See? I know what you want. I know what you need. And I can be that for you now Angel.”

“What?” I ask her as she licks her way down to my navel.

She looks back up at me and slides one strap off her shoulders at a time. “You think I don’t dream about those cold eyes? That I don’t wonder if you wanted to claim me? What you would’ve done if you had? Would I have been another Drusilla? Would you have shared me with Spike? Would you have chained me up? You think I don’t dream about what you would have felt like?”

She is turning me on more than I’ve ever been. She takes my hands and pulls them behind her back to the hook of the bra and my fingers slowly undo each clasp. “I was a child back then Angel. I don’t regret a minute of it. But I don’t need you to be gentle. And I don’t want you to be gentle. I want you to take me. Make me yours. Complete me cause I’ve been so empty for so long, I need you. All of you.”

And before I know it, she’s unbuckled my pants and her hands are stroking my cock and I have nothing to do but let her do what she wants. And as she strokes me, she continues her confession and I’ve nothing to do, but to listen. “I wonder what it would feel like if you bit me as I came. Would I scream? Would you? Would I come harder? Would I scream more? Would you come harder? Would it be rough? Would it hurt? Would it be the same as before? Which side would you bite me on?”

She’s been imagining me biting her during sex. I only dreamt of this day. Does she want that?

She leans down, her nipples gently rubbing against mine as her lips touch mine for the first time in three years. My hands slide up her sides into her hair as I pull her closer to deepen the kiss, but she pulls away. “What’s the matter Angel? Cat got your tongue?” She asks seductively and I try to find words that aren’t mine.

She giggles and kisses all over my chest. Her hair tickles my skin and I laugh. “He laughs.” She says. She looks into my eyes with complete trust.

“What do you want from me Buffy?”

“Possess me.” She says, simple and sweet.

“Are you sure?” She nods her head and I allow my true face to stare back at her. “This is me.”

“I know that now. Finally.” She runs her fingers over my forehead and for the first time, it’s because she wants to, not because she feels she should. She leans over and I feel her tongue on my face, running over my forehead and cheeks. It grazes my eyes before licking my lips. I growl as she licks my fangs before pricking herself on one of them. She offers me her blood and I’m gone. She’s finally mine.