PAIRING : Faith/Spike

RATING : R for sexual situations and insinuated prostitution

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Honestly OK” by Dido.

“I can remember rainy nights when my mother would hold me. We’d rock in front of the big picture window and watch the lightening crash over a city that seemed so far away. It seemed so big and frightening, a scary, bad place. I can remember feeling her arms around me and I felt safe. I thought, ‘if I could live in her arms, I’d be happy forever.’ But she died. And Dad got mean. He got drunk and he got mean. I don’t think he knew what he was doing, in retrospect, I have to believe that he didn’t know what he was doing.

“The day I ran, I was thirteen. I couldn’t let him hit me again. I wouldn’t. I bought a bus ticket to the city. I was terrified. I had no money and no place to go, I just couldn’t go home. The second night I was there, I met Rick. He offered me a place for the night and I gladly accepted, not knowing that Rick wanted something in return. I was sitting on the edge of the bed and he walked in with a blanket for me. He stood in front of me, naked. I’d never seen a man before, let alone even thought about sex. But that was the price for room and board for the night, so I paid it.

“I cried the whole time. I cried as he forced his dick down my throat and I cried when he slammed inside and tore me apart. I cried as I took a shower. I couldn’t wash enough, I wanted to get out of my skin. I just wanted to feel safe in my own skin. I just wanted to be happy again. I wanted to wrap myself up in something so I couldn’t feel the pain and loneliness. I just wanted to feel deep in my own world.

“He offered me another night and I left. I met a girl a couple days later and she introduced me to her boyfriend. She said I could make great money dancing. So I started stripping. A while later I started doing private dances and lap dances. Soon after that a client offered me a thousand dollars to fuck him, and I took it.

“This went on until I got called when I was sixteen. I was happy to get off the streets and to belong, but I never belonged, not really. But I was so lonely I didn’t even want to be with myself anymore. With the Council, I had a purpose, a reason, something to distract me. I had an outlet. The first vampire I killed, I beat him for a good hour before I staked him. I don’t know, maybe my violent tendencies come from my father. Who knows, right?

“On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn’t feel lost and so frightened. But the truth is no matter how many faces you try on, you’re stuck with your own. I tried being good. I tried being evil. I can’t be myself because I don’t know who that is. So I find myself here, broken and bent, on bended knee because this is today and I’m lost in my own skin. And I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore.

“I’m here, I guess because I want something. I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again. I *need* to be happy. I need something to help me through. I guess I’m here because I need a sign, someone, something, to tell me it’s gonna be okay.

“I know it’s been a while since I’ve been to church, but I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore. I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore. I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again.”

I stand up and walk out of the church. I clutch my arms to my stomach, scratch my arms, trying to itch the hurt away. I don’t wanna be me tonight. I don’t wanna be me again. Gods, what do I do? I start walking because I have no place else to go. I don’t even know why I came back here, of all places. Probably because it’s the last place I remember with any amount of clarity. No one knows I’m here. I can’t risk that. I’m not ready to face them. Will I ever be?

“Watch it.” I bumped into someone.

I turn quick, “sorry.” I mumble and continue on my way.

“WAIT!” I stop and turn. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” He asks.

“I don’t think so.”

“Your eyes, they look familiar.” I look up and see him. “I’m Spike.” He extends his hand.

I turn to walk away. “Sorry. I don’t socialize with vampires.”

“Vam… vampires? What are you talkin’ about, Luv?”

“William the Bloody. Sired circa 1880 in London.”

“How do you know that?” He asks, insisting on following me. “And are you okay? You don’t look so good.” He stops me and takes my hands in his. He examines them and runs his hands over my arms lightly. “You should get bandages on these cuts.”

I can’t really say much of anything. He takes my hands and the next thing I know, he’s got me locked in some crypt with him. He brings a first aid kit over and starts getting bandages out. “What’s your name?” He asks.

“You don’t have to do that.” I pull my arm away. I’m not having sex with him for a bandage.

“Relax.”

“No. You don’t have to, I’m not gonna…”

“You don’t have to do anything, Luv. You shouldn’t be walking around bleeding, especially if you know about vampires. We’re like sharks, we can smell blood a mile away.”

“I don’t care.”

“Why not?”

“Because… I thought I was ready to be out, but it’s scary out here.”

“Out?”

“Of jail.”

“You’re the other slayer!” He exclaims.

“How did you know?”

“Slutty’s mentioned you before.”

“Please don’t tell her I’m here.” I beg.

“No worries. You should rest.”

“I don’t have a place.”

“You can sleep here. The bed’s behind the gate there.”

“State of the art crypt you’ve got here.” I say and he laughs. I hear him laugh and I laugh. It feels so nice to laugh about something.

“I like the finer things. Get some rest.”

THREE MONTHS LATER

I open the door as the sun goes down. I’ve grown accustom to running before dusk. I stick to the roads that leave town, that way no one can see me. No one knows I’m here. I want to keep it that way. I don’t need to fight. I *can’t* fight. I can’t feel that powerful again. I remember what it was like, to have such strength, the power to ‘want, take, have.’ I can’t go back that road again. So I don’t fight. I run.

I walk into the kitchen and pour a glass of water. “Nice run?” He asks.

“Yes, but it’s gonna rain tonight.” He pours himself some blood and pops it in the microwave. We got an apartment a week after I apparently moved in with him. He said he wanted me to have a place to shower, and a real room without death and spiders. The death was okay, but the spiders really creeped me out.

Ever since, we’ve been living together. I don’t know what he’s doing to pay for a place this nice and I don’t ask. He’s drinking his blood looking at me. He’s been looking at me weird for a few weeks now. “What? Do I have cat hair or something?”

“No. It’s nothing.” That’s what he always says.

“Come on, tell me.” I decide to press the issue.

“No, never mind.”

“Spike, please?”

“I was just thinking that you’re really beautiful.” Oh gods. I drop the water glass and run to my room. I grab my bag and start shoving clothes into it. “Where are you going?” He asks.

“Away.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t.” I say.    

“Can’t what?”

“I can’t do this! I can’t be here like this!”

“I don’t understand, Luv! You’ve been here for three months. Just because I think you’re an attractive woman doesn’t mean you should leave.”

“YES IT DOES!” I scream. I go to the closet and grab a jacket.

“WHY?” He growls back.

“BECAUSE I CAN’T DO THIS! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICE! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HURT ME! And I couldn’t take that now… I can’t…”

“Why?” He says through his tears.

“Because if you hurt me, I’d die. I love you so much it hurts. It makes me itch inside.”

“Me too, Luv.” He walks towards me, where I’m violently stuffing clothes into the bag. “I knew I loved you the second you knocked into me in the street. I don’t want to hurt you. I just wanna love you.”

“No.” I zip the bag up as best I can and walk away from him. I open the door to the apartment and leave. He won’t follow me. I’m halfway down the block and stop. I look down at my arms where the scars have healed. *He* healed them. He covered them up and healed them.

I open the door and he’s sitting in the doorway of the kitchen. He slowly stands up. “I didn’t think you’d come back.” He says.

“I wasn’t going to.”

“What changed your mind?”

“I guess I realized that *you’re* the reason why I’m starting to feel good in my own skin.”

“I don’t want anything from you, except your love.”

“I don’t know how to give you that. I’m… I’m scared.” I admit.

“I know. Me too. We can figure it out together.” I nod and he walks to me cautiously. I close the door and collapse into his arms. His arms wrap around me and I feel safe. He slowly picks me up and carries me out onto the back porch. He sits in the rocking chair and holds me tight as the stars and moon come into view.

It’s safe here. *I’m* safe here. We rock for some time and clouds roll in. The sky starts to rumble, and opens up as the rain starts to pour. Lightening lights the sky and thunder crashes above us, but none of it matters. I’m safe in his arms. I’m curled up tight in his lap and his hands rub my thigh and back.

I start to shiver. “You’re cold. I should get you inside.” I nod and he lifts me and carries me inside. He deposits me gently on the bed. I sit until he returns with a blanket that he hands to me. He’s not Rick. He’s not one of the thousands of guys that took advantage of me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He loves me.

“Hold me.” I whisper. He lays next to me and wraps the blanket around us. “I feel safe with you.” I say.

“I know, Luv. I know.”

And for now, I feel safe in my own skin. And I’m happy again.

~El Fin~