Two Parts of the Same

DEDICATION: To the Drusophile for all the stunning feedback. And to the bestest beta and co-conspirator an evil dru could ask for.

THANKS TO: Rabbit, Ryan, EvilWill, dru's bitch, the Drusophile & Lisa, Bridie, Milady, Zadi, Titti, Jenny, TarrotCat, Natasha, Jessica, Tracy, Pam, Akasha, Janet, Darlene, Wajoma, Susanne, Rune, Saber, Carol & Kirsty.

"I'm going out," I call to them. I have to get away. I have to stay away from it all! I can't be near it anymore! It's too dangerous.

I jump down the sewer entrance and run toward the outskirts of the city, where they'll never find me. I can't be there! Furthermore, I *won't* be.

A good three hours should do it. Three hours and it will *have* to be over. I'll finally be safe. Just a few hours!

It's good, though. A few hours gives me time to think and I *need* to think. Ever since we got back from Sunnydale, things have been so good between Spike and me. Things have been perfect. It's been like it was.

We've been making love in the morning, having a quickie at noon, followed up by fucking at night. We've been sinking into the hot tub for massages and necking in my office when no one's looking. We've been hugging and licking and sucking and fucking the month away; and it's been great.

I love him. *So* much. I'm glad we worked everything out. We made our promises to each other and we dealt with the past.

"PONCY BUGGER!" I yell as I finish emptying the slime can. "Whe- did he just leave?"

"Yes, Spike, I believe he did. *Ran*, in fact," Legs tells me and starts laughing as she does. "I guess he's learned."

I leer at her and she smiles, "What are you gonna do?" She asks. She's smart. She knows me.

"'Mon," I tell her as I grab her hand. "We're goin' shopping for a few hours. Just gotta leave a note for my daddy."

He thinks he's outsmarted me but he hasn't. I may have been stupid before, but I've learned. In a century plus, I've learned. And he will *not* escape his fate *this* year.

Things have changed so much, since I first turned Spike all those years ago. I can't believe how much they've changed. Sitting here gives me time to think about it. Things, before, were nice. I can't say they weren't. We certainly had fun fucking while Darla and Dru were off trying to read tarot cards or seducing hapless humans. But what we share now is so much more, so much better. I'm truly amazed by him and how much he loves.

Spike is such an incredible being and when he's called me sire (which he has been doing lately), it makes me proud. I don't know why he's decided in the past few months to do so. I think, perhaps, it's because we're more comfortable with each other. We're also not at each other's throats most of the time now, unless he wants me to be at his.

I want to devour him whole. When we're making love and he calls my name and squeezes me tight, I want to devour him and make him a part of me. I guess I miss that connection that we had. I miss feeling him in my blood. I miss knowing that I was his creator. He seems to believe or think that I will always be that to him, but the truth is that I'm not and won't be. Not forever.

I still can't wrap my mind around that one. No matter how many times we've said it and how many times I tell it to myself, I don't believe it. This can't be temporary. It's too powerful to be just for now.

Okay, Angel. Enough brooding. It's been three hours, so I think it's safe to go home.

Once inside, I notice how quiet everything sounds. "Spike? Cordelia?" I call. "Where are you guys?"

"Mean? Nah!" I shrug. "Mean is lettin' him doubt his ability to deal with horrific situations. Think of this as training."

I'll be extremely grateful if you'll be an absolute dear and get the giblets out of our dinner. We forgot the cranberry sauce and had to run and get some. Be back in a jiff! Make sure it gets in the oven. We'll stuff it later! (And you can stuff me!)

Grateful, my ass! He's gotta be pure evil, the son of Satan himself! Well, I'm *not* doing it! NO! Not this year! NOT AGAIN! I grab the note and tear it in two.

<"At the store, it's absolute chaos! Worse than China! Is the turkey in the oven?">

Hee hee. See if he can resist *this*. "My very first Thanksgiving'll be ruined!" I start to whine, actually getting a fake tear out. Not that he can *see* it, but he knows it's there. "I thought this day could be special for me, for *us*. But if we don't have turkey, it'll be all horrible!"

Fuck! I can just see him in the store, practically crying. I had no idea it meant that much to him, but I guess this is sort of *our* special holiday. After all, we've had some fun times on Thanksgiving.

<"'mnot crying,"> he sobs, <"'m*not*. It's just… Halloween is so *bad* for us and…">

I put the phone down and turn toward my prey. Okay. I roll my sleeves up and start facing it down.

"Just a baby, Angel," I tell myself. "I'm just gonna reach in and rip it's guts out. All very violently, with lots of growling. Yeah," I say as I draw closer to it. I vamp out and snarl. Two feet away. "Just a ba-" I can't gut an innocent baby!

"Fine," I say to myself. "I'm gonna stick my hand in her pussy and pop her cherry. I did it with Buffy. I did with countless others. Just a girl. Just a cunt."

"Luv, you'd be screamin' a whole lot more, if you were!" I wink at her and open the door. "ANGEL! WE'RE BA-"

Okay. *This* wasn't supposed to happen! I survey the damage, and it really doesn't look like- he couldn't have done this because of the turke-

I dive for the floor where the battered turkey lies. The slime/glue that I filled it with has oozed out onto the floor, and- there's dust! OH GOD! "ANGEL!" I pick the turkey up an- "HIS RING!" I pull the ring out of the turkey. It's covered in glue and – and dust.

"Angel!" I start sobbing. I can't help it. I look over to the side, and there's a broken chair leg. A BROKEN CHAIR LEG! "NOOOOOO!!!!!!"

"He was… he had that thing stuck to his hand, and the fiends of Hell came in, and he couldn't defend himself!"

Cordelia kneels beside me and pulls me to her. "No, Spike. It just looks that way. Wolfram and Hart probably just kidnapped him."

"NO! I knew something was going to happen! Ever since Halloween, I knew something bad was going to happen!"

I start shaking, and I can't move. She tries to stand up, but I'm clutching her to me. I can't move. He's gone.

I hear him shrieking. As soon as I feel the intensity of his pain, I turn around. I was going to go buy another turkey, since the one he had was… rather uncookable, after I beat it to a bloody pulp.

I didn't mean my plan to be *this* effective. I thought he would consider it was funny. I thought he would find it amusing. He would have, a year ag-

A year ago, he would have felt me on this Earth, still. He would have felt my presence in his blood. I can't believe I was stupid enough to forget that. I'm racing through the sewers to the stairs that lead to the kitchen.

"ANGEL!" He screams. I hear him coming toward me, his heart pounding. He races into the kitchen and he slams into my chest and clutches me with his arms, like he's trying to pull me through him.

He's really here! "Angel, Iloveyousomuch. I knew you'd never leave me," I say, still crying desperately into his shirt.

I lean down and catch his lips with mine, and the kiss is so frantic. I didn't mean for him to think I had been killed (again). I just… it was just a joke. A bad one, since I'd forgotten that he can't feel me through his blood. He didn't know I was okay.

The way he kisses me and fists my shirt make me realize how desperately he needs me. How desperately *I* need *him*. I would die if he ever left me. I *will* die when he *does*.

I will die a thousand slow deaths, when I hear his heart stop beating. I'll know that he's gone forever, and I'll never be able to touch him again, or love him again. And it'll kill me.

I don't want him to die. I don't want to kill Spike, but I don't want him to die.

"I thought you left me forever. Don'teverleavemeforeverAngel. Don'teverleaveme," I mumble against his mouth.

"Spike, look at me," he says and I look up. His eyes are soft. Beautiful and soft. "I'm not going anywhere."

HEY! "HEY!" I back away and punch him as hard as I can, then I kick him in the gut. He stumbles back and looks up at me. "YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE! YOU WANKER! You set it up!"

"DON'T SPIKE ME!" Then he waggles his eyebrow and smirks that damn-sexy-Angel smirk. "YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT IT TONIGHT, YA PONCE!"

"HOW DARE YOU?!" Cordelia yells as she slaps me across the face, hard. "He was devastated, Angel! How could you?! Do you know how much that hurt him? The look in his eyes? It was horrifying."

"I didn't realize that he wouldn't feel me inside him. I forgot that he doesn't have that blood connection with me anymore."

"WELL START REMEMBERING, ANGEL! He's not a vampire, because *you* won't make him one. And that trick was just vicious and cruel."

"Stop." She puts her hand to my face and keeps me from speaking. "I'm not the one you need to apologize to."

~*~*~*~*~

I run through the streets looking for him. I can't let him think that I was intentionally that cruel. I'd never… maybe before, in Sunnydale, but not *now*. He *has* to know that. Doesn't he?

I love him. I'm *in* love with him. I could never hurt him like that. NEVER again.

I have to find him. I have to make him understand how much I need him. I have to explain how much I love him, and how much I want him with me forever, because I *do*. I want him with me forever.

And I don't care what's supposed to be. I don't care if he's supposed to stay human and I'm supposed to keep fighting. If I can't have him, I don't have anything worth fighting for.

I need him too much to let go of him. He's in my blood. He's in my heart, and my soul, and I can't be without him. I don't want him to die and leave me. I don't want to say goodbye to him forever. I can't. If that's what's supposed to be, fuck what's supposed to be!

"SPIKE?!" I scream as I run down another alley. "SPIKE, I LOVE YOU!"

I'm crying and shaking, and I just have this feeling that I'm never gonna see him again. I'll never feel his skin against mine, or be able to caress him again. Like I ended everything good I ever had today; and if that's the case, I'll die. I'll walk into the sun and kiss it and him goodbye.

I told Buffy once that it wasn't the demon in me that needed the killing. It was the man. And it is again.

I've never been anything but selfish. I never deluded myself into thinking I was anything else. Leaving Buffy was a mistake of my personality. It was an oversight, but perhaps that's what had to happen. The Powers knew that I had something greater waiting for me. I had my chil-

But he's not my childe anymore. He's my lover and my best friend. He's my shoulder and my rock and my perpetual annoyance, but he's mine.

"HEAR THAT, SPIKE? YOU'RE MINE AND I LOVE YOU!" I scream, but I don't see him anywhere.

I feel him inside me, but I don't know where he is. I know he's hurt. A lot. He thinks it was a cruel joke, and it was, but it wasn't done on purpose. If I've lost him, I'll kill myself.

Spike was made to be a vampire. His body was built for strength and sensual beauty. His mouth was made for fangs. His tongue was meant to suck my blood from my veins. Why didn't I ever see it before? How was I so blinded by myself and my values?

This was never about my not wanting to turn him. It was never about my soul or my redemption. It was because I'm selfish. It was because I wanted to feel his heat around me and his sweat under my palms. I wanted the chance to touch something so beautiful and alive and forbidden. I wanted to feel his passion and his heat consuming me.

But now, if I've lost all that forever?

The way he held me, latched onto me earlier, was incredible. Like his world was crumbling down. Like the building would fall out from under us and an earthquake would swallow us whole… he held me like that. Like I was the last thing he would ever see or feel, in this life or the next. I'll always be his sire. Perhaps his mate or his lover too, but it will always be the blood that keeps him here. Always.

I can't believe I let my selfishness ruin that for me.

But if I haven't… I don't want him to die. I'll kill him and keep him forever.

~*~*~*~*~

I can hear him calling. He's a block away, I think, but I'm not so sure.

I don't know what to say to him. I don't know why I ran. I guess I just felt I needed to.

He- I thought he was gone.

All this time, I've been preparing to leave, not be left.

He's my everything. He's my world. My sire. My lover. My friend. My Angel. My hope, my joy, my exuberance, my lust, my desire… he's everything to me. And I thought he was gone. I thought he was dead, after he promised me that he would never leave me again.

But I'm just his blood redemption. He's such a selfish bastard. He'd rather fuck with my mind than make me his again. He'd rather watch me die than have my life on his bloody conscience.

That's fine. I don't want to hurt him that way, but I can't go on like this. I can't go on thinking that today might be my last, or that he'll turn to dust one day.

I can't go on not knowing that he's okay and not feeling him inside me. I thought I could, but I feel so god damned empty now. There's this pit inside me, where I used to feel him. He's gone and I can't do it anymo-

"Gimme your wallet!"

"What?" I turn to the man. With the gun.

"WALLET, NOW!"

"Don't ha-" I go to kick the gun out of his hand, but he's quick, so I don't manage to do that. Shit.

"SPIKE?! WHERE ARE YOU?! I LOVE YOU, PLEASE! LET ME EXPLAIN!"

"ANGEL!" I scream back.

The man looks at me. "Faggot!" He screams an-

<CRACK>

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" I scream. That was a gun! "SPIKE!"

It hurts as I fall. Like nothing I've ever felt, it hurts.

The ground seems to take forever to capture me. Like I'm falling from a plane toward the Earth, I fall.

It's cold. The world is cold. So cold.

"SPIKE!" I dive for the ground where he is. Whoever had the gun is gone. He just left. Left Spike, on the pavement. "SPIKE! Hold on!"

"Angel," he says softly. "Angel, everything is cold."

I'm crying and he is too. I lean down to kiss him, gently. "I love you, Spike. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know. I didn't remember. I didn't think…"

"'S'okay, Angel. I forgive you," he says. He starts to cough, and I see blood coming from his mouth. I lift his shirt. Shot through the stomach. Looks like it went all the way through. "I'm dying, aren't I?"

"NO," I tell him. "No one is dying, least of all *you*."

"I can feel it, Angel. I'm so tired."

"No. Stay awake. Keep talk-"

"Can't. Love you, but can't."

He closes his eyes, and I can feel him slipping away. I have to get him to the hospital. He needs a doctor. There are things he needs to know. Things he needs to hear and see and feel.

"Hold on, Baby. Hold on," I whisper.

~*~*~*~*~***********~*~*~*~*~

"What's the point in spending time in the sunlight when the person you want to share it with can never see the sun?"

"What's your biggest fear?"

"That he'll die."

"He's *going* to die, Angel. He's human and he's *going* to die."

"I don't want him to."

"You can't control that anymore."

"Angel, I *am* *going* to die."

"I don't want you to."

"Me either."

"Lashes or cuts, Angelus? Either way, you're gonna bleed."

"Lashes? Or cuts? This *is* the last time I'll ask, Angelus."

Spike's blood. Too good. Spike's blood. Too good. Can't stop.

"I'm not leaving Not today. Not tomorrow. Not for her. Not for anyone. Unless you want me to."

"Spike-"

"Don't bother, ya wanker. I'm not gonna sit through the whole human speech thing, ya big pouf. I'm where I wanna be and your guilt ain't gonn-"

"I was *gonna* say that I'm glad."

"So am I, Angel. You can't live your entire existence on what ifs! What if you hadn'ta fed of that gypsy?! What if Dru hadn'ta left me in Brazil?! What if I didn't kill those slayers? What if Darla had never met you?! It doesn't matter! What matters, *all* that matters, is what we want *today*."

"Shut up. I know. I said I *thought* that. I thought that if you could have those things, then I'd be forgiven for killing you."

"I FORGIVE YOU, ALREADY! I fucking forgave you the first time you shagged me, Mate! And it was over a bloody century ago! GIVE IT UP, ALREADY! Don't fucking use ME as a way to punish yourself!"

"SHUT UP! I'm TRYING to tell you something. Just shut up and listen, for a change. I thought that, if I could save you and give you back your life, I could redeem myself. It's the same thing I thought with Darla. But I get it now. With you, it's not about trying to redeem myself, Spike. It doesn't matter what happens with your life, if you have kids or get married, or whatever, because you're not my redemption, you're my reward."

"Spike…"

"Master to you, Pal. Tell me. Tell me I'm your master."

"First off, I'm not your sire-"

"Pot-AY-tos, pot-AH-tos, Angelus."

"You'll always be his sire, Angel. That's all he knows. He's your childe."

"But he's not."

"Do you want him to be?"

"I don't wanna lose him."

"Then there's your answer."

"I, Liam, in the name of the spirit of the passion that resides within us all, by the life that courses within my blood and the love that resides within my heart, take thee William to my hand, my heart, and my spirit, to be my chosen one. To desire thee and be desired by thee, to possess thee, and be possessed by thee, without sin or shame. I promise to love thee wholly and completely without restraint, in life and beyond, where we shall meet, remember, and love again. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. And forever."

"MINE!"

~*~*~*~*~***********~*~*~*~*~

"MINE!" I growl as I pull him closer to me and take off for the hospital. He's mine, and I want him forever.

But have I lost him? Is my forever too late?