Alex is dead, gone. I never would have thought, but I guess the past few days have been trying for them. I am not sure who to turn to... I am going crazy, my downward spiral into madness is speeding up, and I feel there is nothing I can do. I want to see everyone happy, like Alianna, but I know that everyone won't be happy. If she would only love Black, perhaps things may go better for everyone.

I angered Ali and Vix last noght, trying to help, but they told me to shut up. It makes you wonder if your friends are really friends or just people you happen to know. I wish the best for everyone, and I wish I could have been there when Alex killed himself, perhaps I could have saved him... but I don't think. A dagger through the heart is a little hard to mend, and I don't think I can handle someone else dying while I work on them... Memories of Josh are flooding back into my memory... Why... why...
--Mordred, Journal Entry, 3 May.

::takes another swig of whiskey from the bottle as I sit over looking the ocean and letting the waves ease my mood…I guess that it has come time to sit down and put the happenings of the last week or so onto paper. Where to start is the question. If that overgrown gnat Jhereg hadn't seen me again I might not be in this spot. So much for luck….it has been running thin as of late.

I couldn't believe it when Jhereg told me Halfdan was here. Imagine my surprise, after last sending him off when I was to be drawn and quartered the next day, to see him again and see how he has fared…and to notice that he has moved on…sigh…. I think too much but let me start when it all happened about 6 yrs ago in the City of Forever Twilight….I met Halfdan because of the mini-drake….I may speak not so fondly of him at times but he did bring me my one love…the overgrown gnat had taken off with a hairpiece of mine…trying to show me how easy the pickings were on a market day…..he made me chase him….and I literally ran into Halfdan the Black….and from there the love grew…He would have done just about anything for me back then....as I would for him and still will. It all ended so badly though….

I was naïve to think that I could steal from the Prince of Masks…Jhereg had been teaching me some techniques…Halfdan didn't always approve but he knew what I was doing…I was to strong willed to have him support me and there was no where to use my sword arm at the time..though I am usually discounted being a female…and as I am no great beauty I couldn't charm men into doing stupid things though I could/can drink most under the table…it was in one of those drinking sessions that I learned of the Prince of Masks and a trinket that would be easy to sell.

Everything was going fine 'til the odious arrogant man appeared…I had slipped the lock on the jewel box...and turned at the sound…he took one look at what I had in my hand and laughed. He looked me over real closely and said that if my face or body was a bit better he would just take me to his bed and forget the whole matter…I was a tad bit insulted and acted rashly as is my way….and clubbed the man a good one over the head…his robe opened and to my surprise I found the man had been castrated…imagine my outrage at that….telling me if I ONLY was better he would forget when he could do naught hisself..I don't know what made me do it…pure spite I guess….

I lowered his still form out of the window and tied the man without a stitch of clothing on to a tree in the middle of the park….I didn't leave the city fast enough ….I was to happy with Dan to care at the time I guess…I was caught and placed in gaol….Dan came to see me but I said some rather harsh thing to him to make him leave…told him I never loved him that there was no future that I only used him for a place to sleep and for the food he gave me…all I was doing was whoring and that's what I had been caught doing to get in here. So leave and never darken my door he had served his purpose.

I also paid a beggar boy that was wandering the streets to put that overgrown gnat in a burlap sack and have it tied to a wagon leaving the city...That way they would both be safe. I could see that I had hurt Dan and even when he found out the truth later that day he still tried to come back and help me…..I told him again that I didn't care what he thought I didn't love him and never could he was only a meal ticket. I could see the pained expression in his eyes knowing that this time it had worked….I heard later he left that same day in a rage…..I haven't seen him since that day nigh 6 years ago.

As for me I escaped by my wits end…. guards are not the brightest of people at times…they did not believe a mere wisp of a female could out drink them…of course being challenged didn't help it either but it served my purpose…I got them snookered..and though I was in my cups….I managed to slip the keys from them and sneak out to never return again to the city of forever twilight.

Since then I have been traveling but making sure Halfdan was never about….I would hear news of him but I was afraid to meet up with him…I became more reckless and finally after this last escapade I thought a journey by sea would be best….then that damn gnat, oh how I treasure his friendship but still, told me Halfdan was here and that he had found another finally. Curiosity has gotten the better of me.

Is this the woman to make him happy…I have met her only once but she fled before I could get her real measure…is she the one who will make his eyes sparkle and bring life back to them…I can still remember the pain I saw there …and the cold fire that was in them when I did meet him again. I do still love him fiercely but will stay back in the shadows as much as possible to let him have his chance…she is an innocent in all of this but alas I feel she may be too innocent for the likes of Halfdan he has seen so much through his eyes….and now I hear he takes to his harp more as a release….

Maybe this will also be the place for me to settle down with or without Dan but I can not know as of yet….fate and the gods are at work on this island….too much at times it seems…will he ever forgive me the pain I caused ….does he love me still…..I also know that her sister is a powerful swordswoman….as I have found out ..I joined a guild to make some coin in the long run all due to that gnat …verily he does keep me in trouble ….if it wasn't him then would be my tongue.... and she has others here to protect her…I do not wish the lady harm as I have said before she is an innocent in this ….how could she have known about the past…I fear he thought I was dead so never mentioned it.

Enough of this musing as I take yet another swig of my whiskey bottle only to find it empty…yeah I have turned to drinking too much so my advantage I may loose ….but I will keep my ears open and see if he is truly happy or merely complacent and I will be here if he so needs and mayhaps through it all we can be friends and comrades again if not lovers...only time shall tell.

It is time for me to learn about others on this isle…. there seems to be more here than what I have seen at my late nights in the Pleasuredome…. there seems to be death; and intrigues abound…. yet I am afraid to get to involved before I have learned these new people with whom at the moment I share my place in life…. just once I should be able to hold my tongue and not have to move on so quickly…. mayhaps Halfdan being here will temper my soul as it once did…. I know naught and fear the days coming but I will face them bravely and hopefully without the need to run so soon again.

--Journal Entry, Magdeleynna Smith, 3 May.

::sighs as he sits down to begin writing::

Well, certainly I have been a witness to both heaven and hell on the island called paradise by many of its inhabitants. And everything in between. I have been betrayed most bitterly by one whom I loved very dearly, and I have been lifted up by the love of an angel. I have lived life to its fullest, and stood at the very brink of Death's yawning chasm. One cannot expierience all that I have and not be changed by it. The question facing me now is, "Do I like what I've become?" Perhaps I can answer that at a later date. For now, I have much to do.

Since I wish not to bore any who may read this, I'll get the hellish part out of the way first. Sir Alex killing himself has been traumatic to say the least. Not only has it destroyed my sister, but it makes me feel as if I have wasted my efforts as well. I am angry that he killed himself, and I am angry at Alterio for causing it, even though he tries to deny it. I am angry at him for abandoning my sister and for killing himself in sight of her. What a heartless thing to do.... In the end, I suppose for all the love he had for my sister, he was a bit self-centered.

And my brother, Alterio. Oh how I feel betrayed by him. The person I've probably relied on the most besides Ms. Ali. It hurts worse than anything. I love him, and I trusted him, and he lies to me. He thinks I do not know what goes on behind my back. I am tired of the lies, and I am tired of his interfering. I quit. I give up. If he wants to live like this, then let him. I am tired of trying to "save" him. Let him turn into Father, I have had enough. He believes he can change for Jane. Well, he better stop lying to himself and change for all of us.

And then there is my dear sister Alianna. Her hell must be much worse than mine. I will try to help her through it, like she did for me all those years. I just hope she understands that I need to spend time with Ms. Amorine as well. Ms. Ali has my attentions, but when Ms. Amorine enters, well, I just devote my attention to her instead. I mean no disrespect to Ms. Ali, but I need to do right by myself as well...

And lastly I feel betrayed by many I called "friends". Now, I do not mean Ms. Teiyah. That was an accident, and I was a bit too hasty in challenging her to the arena. But I had had enough of people giving Ms. Ali and Sir Alex a hard time. Especially her making the attempts on his life. She is such a fool. But I do not begrudge her her actions.

Although I do feel anger at Vixen, Black, and several others. The people who claim to fight injustice, yet they coddle Alterio at every turn. They turn a blind eye to his actions, or else they just don't say anything when he is blatantly wrong. No, 'tis easier to join him in telling myself and Ms. Ali that we are wrong. They are all fools. At least Black is trying to make amends. What he dosen't realize is, I am weary. I am tired of fighting this fight. Ms. Ali seems to have some new strength. Let them deal with Alterio. I cannot anymore. I fear my actions would be.........drastic.

And throughout all of this there is a shining ray of light..... Amorine. although we met only a few weeks ago, we are rarely apart.

I spend as much time with her as possbile. There is some mystique about her I have yet to figure out, and she rarely mentions anything of her past. Or her family for that matter. However, I love her with all of my heart. I would do anything for her. I hope her Father accepts my request to court her. I do not think that I have ever wanted anything so much in my entire life. She has even decided to take up residence here. I hoped so dearly that she would. I cannot wait to make her my wife......

And lastly, my guildhall. After talking to Lord Pryce, I have decided to remodel it so to speak. A room for Ms. Ali, my nephew, Sir Breuse, a room for Ms. Amorine, if she so desires it, not to mention a room for myself, with guest rooms as well as a room for a family, should I ever get the chance to have one. And this would be in addition to the guildhall, which would be connected via a tunnel between my Manor and the guildhall itself. I imagine it must look like something of a keep when it is finished, but I don't care. As long as I am happy, as well as my family members and Ms. Amorine.

This last month has brought many, many changes to me. Do I like what I've become? Yes and no. I am tired of the fighting within my family. I am tired of what Alterio has become. I am just tired of fighting and have no desire to do it anymore. However, I feel I have become stronger. I now know what I am capable of. Some think I have the capability to capture greatness. I think I am just a man, growing into his own. And I'm doing what I feel is right within my heart.....

--Journal Entry, Lord Axalon Carazzi, 3 May.

Well, alot happened last night...thankfully it has calmed down considerably.

My article had been published in the paper. I was only too happy to submit it. Afterall, I was working on it anyway. I also got a few compliments on it. That brightened my day. Well it hurts to see Black and Alianna together. But I suppose that will pass, as does most in life. Miss Alianna seemed to be in a better mood earlier this evening. I am glad to see her eating and laughing. It seems that for a few moments, she had forgotten last night. It seemed we all did. Picking on Black does that to people I suppose.

And Jane's cat! I feel sorry for that poor soul...it coughs up hair balls and sounds like it's on its deathbed! Goodness what does Jane feed that creature? I started a workout today. It felt good to get some of that energy and frustration out. It seemed to help my mood also. Things that do not kill us only makes us stronger. Such wise words...everyone should live by that. I suppose Alex never heard that....

Well on to something a bit lighter eh? I was thrilled to play my music today. I haven't felt that good about it in a while. Also I think I should not be out of the sun for long periods of time. I have a bit of a sun burn on my cheeks. Ah well perhaps I will tan living on this Island? I hope so...I tire of this fair skin. It is almost blinding in the sun. I plan on working out more anyway, so perhaps that will help. Not much to write about today... Well than I should stop before I begin to ramble. Goodnight.

--Journal Entry, Lina Metallium, 3 May.