::she sighs as she looks about the bustling Pleasuredome sitting quiet and alone as usual::

I have had an interesting few days to say the least...

Last night was very odd. Ben came back from his trip. I figured he'd go straight to see Ali, but he came to the pleasuredome instead. I greeted him sweetly as I always used to. He didn't act the same as he usually does. He asked a few things of me, even in jest would be horrible to ask of me.Then I read the paper...

I suppose no one can realise how much that hurt me... Everyone else jsut took it in stride. I can't do that...I try hard though. After all Ben and Ali are two of my best friends...or atleast that's how I feel. The paper just made me feel worse...Wondering how the girls' involved men would act....I don't let on to anyone how I feel about such things...that's just me... It's kinda diffrent when you don't have anyone to turn to or to talk about these things with...not like I would if anyone offered. I really ahte this...I always put on a happy face, for one reason I will not be pitied. That is not my way. So I become quiet and withdrawn, people see it as thoughtful or just being snobby bratty what have you.I have been hurt two days in a row now...if this keeps up I might go on a little vacation to have the solitude thrust upon me here anyway. Atleast there would be a reason...I'd be alone, no one around at all...

::She laughs a bit:: Ah well atleast that way no one can hurt me....or I will just go back to the way I was before I opened up...being quiet and in the shadows, a fly on the wall so to say.I do not like feeling like this but its unavoidable at times...Espeacially when words make you feel as low as a whore on the docks... Anbd I used to consider that certain someone a friend...no apology not even a look in my direction. Oh well I am better with out.

I think I will go back to the way I used to be ...it was os much easier then...I didn't have to deal with all of this....craziness. Or any of these thoughts that plague me as of late...I am tired of caring so much and tired of all of this... I know not of what I should do or anything, so I will just tune out the outside world and only care about Lina...that is the best way.

People don't realise how much simple actions and simple words can hurt someone. And I know the way I grew up, after being left all alone how much they can hurt. Yes I know I have been through worse, but that doesn't hurt you right down into the depths of your soul...just on the surface, And that heals with time and the right herbs... Anyway I have rambled on long enough...atleast I let out some of these feelings..

Until Next Time,
Lina

--Journal entry 2 July, Lina Metallium

::Sighs and rests her head on her hand, writing with the other in quick strokes. A piece of hair falls in her face and she pushes it away with her fingers, returning to her entry::

Love is a fickle thing. My husband, Chang Wufei, has appeared around the Pleasuredome only once in the past few months, only to impregnate me and then leave once more! I am furious with this arrangement, as I want him to be a loving husband again. Which he was for about a week.

The pregnancy is not enjoyable, and I have a feeling that I am not being a good mother as of yet, for I got involved in a drinking contest with Tae the other night and was very, very ill the next day.

It is unfortunate that the father of my child is not rich, or even semi-powerful like other women around here. I was married properly, it was love, and I got nothing for it. I think I may give up on love, it is something that has only gotten me heartache. That and morning sickness.

::Coughs and runs her fingers over her belly button smiling::

Fortunately I show nothing of the pregnancy yet. I am 3 months into this whole process and quite glad that I'm a third of the way through. At least Vixen is pregnant as well, there is someone else with this.. predicament. The child is not a predicament, it is wanted, and I will love him or her very much, but the pregnancy itself is a pain..

::Looks at her watch and frowns, setting her journal upon the nightstand and turning off her light::

--Journal Entry, July, Danirat

"shakes her head sadly as she looks out the window thinking over the last several day..she has just sat silently at 'dome and observed, and listened.."

I heard this saying one time "Actions always speak volumes louder than mere words". It is really true from what ive seen and heard...."she sighs and drifts off not wanting to go there and get upset any more than she has been lately"

I think my whole body hurts..actually it does. But i dont say anything to anyone about it. Not even to Alterio. But then again when would i have time to say anything to him? Ive given up trying to talk to him. The only way i can get more than a minute of his time to say anything :: is to leave a note on his pillow. I know for a fact i didnt feel this crappy last time when i was pregnant with Mia and ALkane. But then again i wasnt trying to handle all the stress I have to cope with now. Im to frustrated and angry to eat or sleep much. Maybe the guy i was with then was a lowlife from what everyone says, but i wasnt under all this stress and aggravation. And he did take care of me and made sure i ate and slept. Funny, isnt it, now i feel like a just a piece of furniture in this house..Alterio is sweet and loving when we are at home. But he always puts on a front when we are at "dome. I just dont understand him any more..I love him with all my heart and he knows that. And i know he cares about me, maybe even loves me, but he never says it. Some times i feel like im on the bottom of his list -Of things to do-....

Oh well I guess i deserve what i get eh? I sit there and accept it and say nothing..That will change soon i think.. Im not taking to much more of this. And i never know when he is going to start feeling guilty over Mirell and try to get Jane back again to make up for the past. I know he never loved Jane. He pretty much told me that she reminded him of Mirell and it was his chance to make up for his mistakes. Well if it comes to that again.. i wont be around to watch that drama unfold. Ive had enough bullshit thrown at me lately....

"tosses the quill down and closes the journel and heads to bed hopeing to sleep a little while"

--Journal Entry 2 July, Vixen Blade

::lies on her stomach in her bed writing while she hears dan snoring:: Again it seems I have goofed. I did not truly love Torlin I only wanted to feel the fire he set in my body. I releized tonight after talking to lyrias brother that it was not love and I had wronged many people ..most of all the Lady DeWinter. I sent her a box of chocolates and a note apologizing to her. Now to Torlin I did one mean thing and one nice thing for he has sorely vexed me. He has really done no wrong and I should not let my anger get the best of me but I thought I loved that Elf but seeing him kissing another and after my anger was gone the cruel things I said to the Lady DeWinter I know now it was not meant to be. I sent him a scroll telling him that it was over..as if he would even care...for him it was always lust.

::hears a rather long snore knowing dan sleeps well this eve::

I could not believe this day to end as it has.....Jasmin has sorely vexed me I heard her speaking back to dan while he was trying to upbraid her for her wrong doings with Torlin. Doesnt she relieze that she shames dan so when she does it in public? I will not have him made out to be a weak man. He is a kind loving soul but now .....Yes I am mad at her and will likely forget it soon as long as she doesnt shame him. I gave him this life he has now and I will not see her nor anyone ruin it. I love him fiercely and protect what is mine. ::think about what she just wrote:: I tried that with Torlin and see what it got me ....probably an enemy I nefver wanted and heartache at my own hand. I was wrong but know naught how to tell him..I only hope his Lady friend forgives me and they continue on and may he find happiness as I will with Dan.

::puts down the quill and smiles thinking dan only sleeps a room away and falls asleep with same said smile::

--Journal entry, 3 July, Magdelennya

--Sits quietly in her room as she watches the dawn break she looks to her lovely bird Lady Mags has given her and speaks softly what have I done.......

--picks up her quil and begins to write---

I have brought shame to my master and anger to my ladies heart..

I went to the liquer emporium and ordered a barrel of the Dwarven Ale for Lady Mags for her birthday. It was delivered but it was but a bottle and I paid for a barrel I said not when she thanked me for the bottle for what good is gold if I can not buy a gift for my friend...

How was I to know that the man I gave the order to planned on keeping the gold for hisself ? When the gift was delivered I was so happy and then I ran into Marshall Torlin yesterday and he accused me of stealing it .... For he was not aware that I had paid and dearly I might add for that gift with my own gp he was furious and all but placed manacles upon me and took me away.

I could not help myself I screamed at him and told him I stole nothing... What a fool I am and my temper and sharp tongue did not stop there I seem to have lost all reasoning Lady Mags tried to quiet me but he kept at me saying I could be deported for My thievery or worse placed into the comman slave pit I told him he would have to take my life before I allowed him to do this.

My master arrived and even with him present Torlin continued with his tirade and I with mine I let my anger take over my good sense... I did not even quiet when My Master ordered me to do so and as a result I am to be punished and all because that that that Man would not listen to me I stole nothing but he has surely cause much to be taken from me ...

My Master has forbidden me to go and visit Fierjen or to speak with him I want so to send a message to him but dare not in fear of angering my master farther...I am also not allowed to speak with out being given specific permission to do so...What am I going to do ... Fierjen will be back soon and I can not as much as greet him upon his return....

Lady Mags is furious with me for disrespecting my master as I did This temper of mine has always been my downfall.. --She sighs as she thinks of the countless beatings she has taken over the years for her show of temper---

well I must see to my chores and the house is to be cleaned from top to bottom this day as my master has ordered ... I must think of a way to repay this Torlin for his ways ..He will pay for bringing this upon me ... and My master was fined I cant believe this fined for my insolence and drawn into a duel because of me the only thing that brings me any solace is that My Master beat him I wish it had been a match to the death and he had been killed ..

I have to now show him the utmost respect always as my master has ordered and My temper seethes with the thought that I must do this for I would rather drive a dagger thru his heart for what he has caused ....

---lays down the quil and stands to go and start this long days chores---

--Journal entry 3 July, Jasmin Rose