~sits quietly in the gazebo, on the swing. letting it's gentle sways soothe her. thoughts of her Alterio, Vixen, Ben, Mags, Nun and Dan running through her head. sighs at the thought of Mags disappearing. worrying for her friend. missing her. she shakes her head, trying to clear the thoughts. and covers a yawn. she is so tired, but sleep is impossible. dark circles under her eyes are evident of her lack of sleep. the nightmares have returned, haunting her even in the day time now, as she shakes her head again. she opens her journal to the next clear page, placing it on her lap. she dips her quill and begins to write. hoping ~this~ will make the bad things go away~

Dear Journal,

There has been alot going on lately. Mags and Nun's disappearance. I pray they are found, and returned to us safely. And Dan. Poor Dan. He is devastated. I will try my best to help him anyway I can.

So much happening all at once. So muchin fact, that I can not seem to sleep at night. My nightmares are back. They started right before Alex and I got married. And continued throughout our marriage. They grew worse when Alex killed himself. I think Alterio stressing very clearly to me he was not happy.

About how he was disappointed in me. Maybe all that, was the cause of the bad dreams. Not trying to put my nightmares on him. But it was evident he did ~not~ like nor care for Alex. And the dissappointment I caused him. Plus with him pulling away from me, as soon as I defied him. Went ahead and married Alex, our brother sister relaionship has not been the same since.

But I thought the nightmares had stopped, when Ben came into my life.

~pauses, smiling softly as she thinks of Ben. and how he held her last night while she slept. Till he, himself fell asleep. his hoping upon all hope, she would finally get a good nights sleep. she sighs, continuing~

But unfortunately they are back. And I am not quite sure how to make them ago away. I hate the fact that I am helpless in how to make them stop. Waking up in a cold sweat. Afraid to move or even breath. Fighting back screams of terror, realizing Ben is next to me.

Not wanting to worry or disturb him ... I rise and walk the floors the rest of the night. Slipping back in the bed just as the sun peeps up. Just before Ben wakes.

The nightmares of Alterio's words. His lose of love for me. And my having to try so very hard to earn his respect. And setting back, watching how he treats others. I do not know what else to do. Why him and his thoughts of me, matter so much. I have tried with all my heart. All my soul to get Alterio to love me again. And now .... ~wipes the tears from her eyes then continues~ now that I am "disowned" as he put it. There is no chance of me ~ever~ making him proud of me. ~Ever~ making him happy. And after what he did, I do not want to even try. Or for that matter, even care.

~her blue grey eyes flare with anger~

After what him and Nemesio did. Going into the volcano. Defiling Alex's body. Breaking his wings.

~closes her eyes tightly at the thought~

Drilling holes into his head. Making horns out of his beautiful wings. Alterio is a disgrace. And ~I~ am feeling bad that ~I~ am a disappointment to him? He who claimed to love me.

And now to go and do something like ~this~? Knowing how much it would upset me. Knowing how much I care about him, my brother.

Why did I take up for him when Lord Pryce came? Why did I not just let him be arrested? Why do I love him so?

He obviously does not love me.

And then to try and kill himself. Basically the same way Alex did. And with me ... to hell with me. With Miss Vixen, Ben and Jane ~all~ there to see him that way?

~sighs softly, redipping her quill~

I have been thinking alot about him, his words to me. Him telling me ~I~ made him look bad, when I married Alex. How I made him a laughing stock. And made a mockery to the Carazzi name.

~her anger starts to seeth again~

What about ~him~? He is ~obviously~ following in our fathers footsteps. And quite well I might add. Turning out to be the apple of his eye. I hope my father is proud. I hope Alterio is proud. He has ~now~ become the one person he hates most in this world.

And then to disown me. Tell me I am a nothing. A nobody. I am no longer a Carazzi. And I can not even be a Trione. Because that would make a laughing stock of my mother's maiden name.

~closes her eyes, sighing~

Then to say ~I~ broke our mother's heart, by marrying Alex. Mother never said anything of the sort.

Mother and I talked alot before I married Alex. She wanted ~me~ happy. Never once did she say I was a disappointment to her. She said I had to live my life, the way I saw fit too. Not worry so much about Alterio and his approval. He was just a big brother worrying over his only sister. That was how he showed his love for me. Something he had done all his life. Well his love is not there now. And nor do I ~ever~ care if it comes back.

He wants to pretend I do not exist in his life? Well that is fine. I will go on and live my life. Continue to love Ben with all my heart. And be happy. I deserve to be happy.

~a tear rolls down her cheek~

But how can I be happy without the love of the one person, I love more than anything. The one person who has been there for me, when no one else was.

How can I do this??

~shakes her head, laying everything aside. rising, she begins to walk down to the willow tree. wrapping her arms around herself, as she watches the water rush over the falls~

--Journal Entry 10 July, Alianna Carazzi

::She bites her lip as she opens her journal, glancing about the 'dome as she begins to write::

I caught Alex last eve. It was nice spending time with him again, though somehow both of us got injured sometime last eve...

::She looks to her leg, her bandage covered by her skirt and sighs::

Mags and Nun are gone for now....both taken by unusual pirates. Poor Dan, his anger was apparent when we went back to the pleasuredome last eve. I wish there was something I could do...but I feel as helpless as he. I am sure that Mags will be fine, being too stubborn and hot headed to let those...pirates...do anything with her. Though Nun...I do think that Mags may kill him in the process...or atleast after. I do miss them both..though I would not admit to missing Nun, but his levity is missed if nothing else.

::She laughs a bit then sighs softly as her mind wanders::

I saw Cambria last night. What a charming girl. She will be quite the lady when older being so polite and such now. And Alex met her for the first time. She seemed taken with him right away. He seems so good with children. Though he walked in as I was discussing something with Cambria. He stood there in silence for a moment, until I sent Cambria to retrive herself a snack. I spoke with Alex shortly, him apologising for going off to a duel with a man named Lloyd...who I might add deserved anything he got. I told him there was no need to apologise and I should apologise.

I still feel I shouldn't have gotten angry over that,but after already being angry for something else, with someone else, I was easily angred and should have not treated Alex as such.I feel awful..simply awful, though I doubt he will take an apology if I give one again. Oh Gods I am rambling again....

Until next time,

--Journal Entry 10 July, Lina Metallium

Bah...

Well, i think some eyes are opened. I think it's about time to make a move. It's time to take Alteiro down. With the exception of Vixen, the vast majority of people have finally woken up and seen Alterio for what he really is. And I have not held back with Vixen. I let her know that it is her fault that Alterio is the way he currently is. I am tired of her defending him and then attacking people when she dosen't get her way. I for one am tired of her acting the part of a child. She claims she loves him. How is it love when you let your "significant other" continue down a path to destruction? SO, I got tired of being nice and tore into everyone who has had a hand in this. CJ asked me last night why I feel I am a paradigm of good. I have a simple answer. I have been the only one willing to do whatever it takes to try and help my onetime best friend. Because I saw what was happening to him, and I was willing to do whatever it takes. Others ignored me, attacked me, berated me. Turns out I was right, huh? I hope you all feel stupid.

Damn right I'm angry as well. I am so tired of constantly coming under fire for my actions, statements, opinions. Maybe you should all sit back and listen. Just once, listen. When I make a statement, maybe you should all just think before you speak. Maybe I'm not making a joke, or being rude. Maybe it's an observation. Did any of you ever think of that? About the only one of you that has any marginal intelligence is Raven. Gods, how she makes my blood boil. And she's smart. And beautiful. And probably my one glaring weakness. I would do anything for her. Hell, I'm even trying to learn how to dance. Shit, I ain't felt like this in a long time. And despite Vixen's claims of me going home with whores, I haven't ben with another woman for a long time. Once, when I first arrived there was an elven maiden, but that was one night, and that was it. No one in the Seaport even knows about it. I was gone for how many months, how could they? Bah. Regardless, Raven is in my heart now. And, I'm still looking out for Alteiro, even after all this time. Yeah, he'll fall a little bit further. But if I get my way, he'll get better.

--Journal entry 11 July, Torlin

"sighs shaking her head as she looks around the room at the overturned furniture"

I cant stand staying at home all the time but it beats going to 'dome lately. I should maybe go back to working the shops full time. Im tired of biting my tongue to keep from saying things. I try to keep silent when i go in and that doesnt work either. Last night "growls as she thinks about that"...Yeah everything is my fault according to the always 'right' Torlin. IM wrong if i -do- and im wrong when i -dont-.. NO matter what i do im wrong. What the hell do they want from me? It doesnt matter what i say anyways Torlin ~will~ have his way.. So why bother talking to me at all.

And why didnt Torlin try to talk to Alterio that day? He could have gone to the volcano and tried to talk some sense into him. Oh yeah thats right... Torlin was to -busy- trying to get laid. He would rather sit on his ass and wait for Alterio to come back with the body and then arrest him. Doesnt take so much of his precious time away from Raven that way. GOds what a prick.. Yet he claims he is looking out for Alterio.. yeah right.. maybe ~after~ his sexual needs are taken care of.

I wonder if Lord Pryce knows of Torlin's actions that day.... If he doesnt know.. maybe he should be told. Well anyways, like i said, torlin will do as he wishes like always. The gods know im no threat to him...yet. What the hell can a pregnant girl do to stop him? "smirks as she thinks she wont be pregnant forever" Thats when i stop biting my tongue to keep silent. They want a bitch.. fine .. i cant show them one..One they wont forget any time soon.

"tosses the quill on the desk and looks out the window again and sighs knowing she has some deliveries to make from the shoppe"

--Journal Entry 11 July, Vixen Blade

*mutters to herself as she scrawls in her journal*

Torlin and Alterio. Two that certainly seem to deserve one another. I've never seen two men with such a blatant disrespect for everyone around them, such apathy and arrogance. The whole world is wrong, but they're right. The whole world is stupid, but they're supreme intelligence. Neither of them have ever made a mistake. Neither of them have done any wrong. Everything is everyone else's fault.

Bull.

How dare Torlin throw my mistakes back in my face? That was a mistake I corrected, but no, I'm forever going to be stupid, ignorant because of it. Because everyone knows no one's allowed to make a mistake, ever, especially when they're confused and think they're doing the right thing. Well fine. I'm done. He can do what he wants, leave me out of it. But if you ask me he's the damned moron for thinking he's perfect. He refuses to accept the flaws of others, yet we're supposed to bow down to him and say "Yes, Torlin, you're right, I'm wrong. Yes, I'm so stupid. Guide me with your vast intelligence". To hell with that.

--Journal entry 11 July, Jane Maichen