::Coming in after a long walk with Mairin, he sends her upstairs to wash for a late supper. He decides on his meal of choice: Rye, neat. And sits in his study, thinking long and hard::

Gods, I hope she doesn't think we're a couple again. A couple of what? Good lords. She's always ready to tear my eyes from my head if I look at another woman, and I don't much like her flaunting that body..that body that's stopped many an elder's heart...dammit, why did I even let her in my bed last night.

I care for her. Deeply. Have for a very long time, and always will. BUT. I truly wanted her to find "herself" as she says she needs..and this Val gentleman might've been a nice man for her. For me to even approve of -any- man for her sounds odd, I know..but he seemed to have her genuinely best interests at heart.

Now she's pushed him away. I half-expected for her to call me by his name last night during our moments, but she didn't. Actually she called me "Ooooooooo" and for a fleeting moment I thought of Donk and damned near lost my momentum ::Smirks:: But while she and I are most compatible during the heat of passion, it's that same flame that damned near consumes us in arguments, disputes. She and I would, if we got back together, end up killing one another.

I have to worry about Mairin and Mia, Thirlia and Christopher. Vixen will indeed give me a goddamned coronary..I'm getting too old, too tired to jerk my neck around and react in a fury when a man ogles her..or tries to touch her..because sometimes, she does in fact incite the attentions. I likely made her that way, but it's up to her to break her cycle.

I hope that Val doesn't give up too easily. She's worth the trouble, if one has the time and affection to give. Not just vertical attention..but a constant maintenance. She will give back what you give her, tenfold..but I just don't have what she wants from me.

I care but cannot love. That's the way it is with her and me.

::The cook rings the bell and he joins Mairin at the table, leaving his book open.::

--Journal Entry, 2 November, Sir Knight Carazzi

Bah, what a waste of crap, After winning those dumb certificates for pretty much a whole date with a gift, and a free escort. But its not worth anything to me, I dont have a girl, and now theres no way im even gonna bother with vixen, Shes just a big clump of emotional scar tissue, Oh well. Maybe i can sell these certificates?

--Journal Entry, 2 November, Gyanis Sinnoma

::::sits in the sitting room of her suites at the Manor, hearing the dinner bell, though, for the moment, chosing not to respond, she leans over her journal and begins to write::::

Seems Vixxy spent the night here last night. I passed her early this morning when I went to check on Lia and Mairin and Christopher. She likely didnt see me.

:::thinks about her situation with Taelie:::

This is just not right. I dont know if I can continue to hide from Uncle Alterio. He's given me nearly everything I want. The children, with whom Im free to basically see to as I want. A beautiful suite at the Manor, and gorgeous furniture. His brother right now is the most important thing. He needs to settle things with his Family before we can consider anything else. I think its time to let go. If even for just a while. I think its best for everyone involved. All this will do is cause strife between him and Uncle Alterio..Khlamar knows I dont want that. There is enough strife between them already.

Even after 128 years of life, I still dont have the answers. I still feel like a lost child at times. Maybe I am still too immature to really settle down. Maybe I just need to let go. Maybe I just need to stop. Who knows, maybe things will get better. Perhaps not. I dont know.

:::thinks about the threat of the sharken, the monsters still lurking in her sleep laden, unconcsious mind:::

These beasts. When will they stop? When will they give up? When will they just go away? Uncle Alterio wont fight them anymore. I dont blame him. He's got the children to deal with. Ive got the children to deal with, but, I cant let this go undone. I cant let these beasts constantly become a threat to those I love. To this household. It incites me to no end to see them so blatantly run amok in the streets of Silver Seaport. Yes, we intruded upon their once again emptied homeland. But, they intrude upon our lives. Its got to end.

::::sprinkles some fine sand upon the journal pages to dry, closes it, and rises, going downstairs for dinner.:::::

--Journal Entry, 2 November, Lyrias

I watched Alt and ben fight... and and I saw ben lose, As he was lying on the ground I remembered what he did to me.. and what I swore... revenge. In a demonstration of power i licked his bleeding face. His blood... its taste... it was almost an there was almost an erotic sensation... How i hunger for that human flesh... But yet im under the control of them... I have to lay low for now... but soon.... soon....

--Journal Entry, 2 November, Dracored

"Groans and rubs her eyes as she finally manages to roll off the bed, having laid there for hours curled up just thinking, not having slept at all last night, she yells for coffee to be brought to her room"

"rubbing her throbbing temples as she waits for the coffee to be brought.. she sighs and pulls the journal to her and begins to write"

Got home very late last night and see that Val has moved his things out. Its just as well, I just want to be alone. I went to 'dome yesterday and he and I argued again. Later he was asked to come outside by Alterio, to talk. I dont know what they talked about and dont really care. I didnt even bother to ask. A bit later Alt came back in and told me to be good to Val. Val had left shortly after the talk with Alt and still hadnt returned when I left for home. Its just as well... Im tired of arguing with him, with everyone. I didnt really say much to anyone last night. I just sat silently and got a bit drunk. Alt obviously thinks i should stay with Val. Well......right now I just want to be alone. But then again, havent I always really been alone?

I can talk to myself and answer myself. That way I always get the answer I want to hear.. no arguments, no having to explain my every move. I can do what I want and not have to say Im sorry all the time for one thing or another. What are men good for again? Oh yeah..sex. Well, one night stands are starting to look pretty damn good right now. Send them home the next morning and never have to see them again. No hassle, no arguments, no expectations.

Maybe I will start dancing at dome again. Aye, maybe i need to do that. Do what I want for a change instead of what others expect me to do. I cant please them and please me to. I have, for months -tried- to please everyone else.. do what they want, do what they say I should do. Well, that hasnt worked either. I tried to do what they expected of me and it still was never enough. First Alterio and then Val. Ive apologized to Val several times over the shit I did. But if he thinks I will apologize for spending the night with Alterio..well i wont apologize for that.

"she nods to the maid as the coffee is finally delivered and shoos her back out of the room, she sits and thinks a moment as she sips the coffee"

Well not certain what im going to do. But i do know this Im going to do what I want to for a change.. and I do want to be alone for a while.. maybe forever. I think I was cursed, love and commitment just doesnt seem to work for me. I doubt it ever will...

'she shoves the journal over leaving it open to dry as she finishes the cup of coffee"

--Journal Entry, 3 November, Vixen Blade

~sits at a small table on the veranda, outside the manor. taking in a deep breath as her blue grey eyes take in the sights around. she turns her attention to her journal. dipping her quill and turning to a fresh page, she begins to write~~

Dear Journal,

Today is a very beautiful day. A nice gentle breeze blowing through the palms. Quite enjoyable, as I hear the children playing inside. Their laughter warms my heart.

They seem so happy now. So content. I love to see them this way. Why Mia even allowed me to brush her hair this morning. She is a sweet little soul. A combination of both her parents. I only wish I had alittle of her strength and strong will. She will grow up to be a fine lady one day. My times with Mairin are so peaceful.

I have earned alot from this little angel. She is my constant source of strength when I need it most. Giving me the advice I need, at the right times I need it. Some times I even forget she is still so young.
She is so mature for her age. So kind and gentle.

~pauses, re-dipping her quill and begins again~~

The rest of the children make me smile. I am so happy to be home again. And that my brother and I are growing close once more. I have missed him so. It hurt me a great deal to see him go through all the pain he went through. And feeling alittle helpless when I could not take away all his pain. But he seems so happy now. And I love seeing him this way.

~~pauses in her writing, as the maid comes out asking if she would like breakfast ..... "No, but thank you for asking. I am not that hungery this morning." ... smiling as she disappears into the house again~~

I went to the 'dome last night for a few. I could not sleep for some reason. I think it is all the working I have been doing. Much too keyed up for sleep.

I saw several people I have not seen in a while. And was very glad I stopped in.

~redipping her quill again, she continues~

I ran into Ben the other day. And again last night. He has a new lady friend, and they both seem very happy together. I thought maybe seeing him with someone else would hurt me very much. But it did not. I can not lie, I wish things could have worked out for us both.

But all I wish is for Ben's happiness. And if his happiness is with the lady I seen him with last night, or perhaps with someone else. Just to see him smiling again is all I wish for.

~pauses, looking up to the sky. then starts again~

I should get my day stated. So much paperwork to do. But first I think I will go and play with the children before I do.

So until next time,
Alianna

~allows the ink to dry as she re-caps her ink. then gathers her things and makes her way into the manor. a bright smile on her face~~

--Journal Entry, 3 November, Alianna Carazzi

Everything is so confusing. I don't have any idea what to do with Vixen. Everything in my head says walk away, but everything else says go back. Her and I had a rather brutal fight yesterday, and I said a lot of things I have a feeling I might regret. Shortly afterward, I had a long talk with Alterio...and I found out that she isn't his mistress again, but that they did, and I quote, 'tumble last night.' And that makes me angry, but I really can't blame her. Alterio said that there is a gem inside of her, but it would take a man of great patience and dedication to get to it. Am I that man? I really don't know. I really blew up at her yesterday, that certainly shows some lack of patience. At the same time though, I do regret it, and I feel terrible about it. I moved back home, but I'm really lonely. This house is so empty, and I don't have the money to really furnish it well yet. I just have no clue on what to do.

--Journal Entry, 3 November, Valyndor Lyndrae

~she sits up in the middle of her bed, yawning, hair tousled from tossing and turning. It's early afternoon and she still isn't dressed. Empty lunch dishes sit on the small table next to her. Parchment is strewn around, half-written letters to her "family" on the Mainland. She plucks up her journal, the new one given to her by Alterio for helping to save Mai~

How could they do it? They didn't do it to her, never to my perfect elder sister who ran off with some woman-hopping minstrel. But they do it to me, the one who held the loyalties to the family. They disgraced me and cast me out of the Maichen line. My own family...it means so much to me. They're who I am, where I come from. Ben doesn't understand, says a name doesn't matter. But it does!

I suppose they had reason to do it. I did bring Treyman back...I intended to bring him to justice. Proper justice. The man responsible for family treason, the one who had my mother, father, and unborn sibling slaughtered. He had his head lopped off by Gods know who. I wanted him back so real justice could be done. Proper Maichen justice.

But then when he was back...he wasn't so much like that anymore. He was more like the uncle I used to know before he lost his mind. It didn't seem fair to punish him twice over when he wasn't the same man. Damn me for a fool for writing to Ashling of his return. I should've known she'd want into good graces with the family again. She dashed off to Uncle Kienen and told him just what happened. Of course he demanded that I bring Treyman to them for trial and punishment. I told him I'd think it over. But then my sister comes along looking for her share of the family holdings. Things got urgent, because I was the first in line for them since she'd run off...but because of Treyman, Ashling had planted in their minds, Clari may have pulled ahead in the running. So Kienen sent his bloody envoy to find out what was going on. It snow-balled from there, and now I'm the traitor. Why did Treyman have to spit on his boots!

~she pauses to draw a deep, calming breath~

I'm nameless now, unless I choose to go back home and fight for my name the proper way. But how the hell am I suppose to do *that*? I can't leave here. Not now. But how can I live knowing I've no family, no home? Ben says that this is my home and family...but it's not the same. It's not my blood. It's not my past! How can I survive without ever seeing my parents' graves?

So now I get to pick a name for myself. Current labels are Whore, Gossip-Monger, Boy, Innocent, Wannabe...all very amusing. All very inaccurate. Jane the Master Healer sets me in a category. I am NOT my profession. Jane the Unnamed only serves as a reminder of what I'm left with. Jane Shayla reminds me of my CJ days. I'm not lost anymore. I know who I am. Or have they stolen my identity now? Oh gods...it's happening again.

Gods, get a grip! Khlamar, I'm Queen of the bloody Midgets. That's too narrow, too. I can't just be Jane because we all Jane isn't much of anything at all. What can I hide beneath if not my name?

~she leaves it unsigned, not at all sure what to call herself, then gets up to dump herself in a bath~

--Journal Entry, 3 November, Jane Maichen

Month Eight, Year One, Continued