Date: 11/10/01 01:07:43 AM Name: Vixen Email: Subject: Thoughts

"she sets the bottle of whiskey down in the hallway and slips in his room quietly to check on him, seeing he is sleeping she leaves closing the door quietly behind her and grabs the bottle and heads down the stairs to Mia's room, she sits on the floor her back against the wall as she drinks the whiskey and thinks..pulling the journal from under the bed she starts to write"

SO much for trying to stop drinking eh? Good thing everyone else on this cursed Island -thinks- they know whats best for me.

Stop drinking?
I tried that.
Stop dancing?
Why should I?
Move on with my life?
Fine they got it.
But since its -my- life , i will do as i please from now on.
If i wanna drink myself into oblivion and pass out on the floor at dome.
Thats -my- choice and -my- right.
If i wanna dance on the bar.
That also is my choice.
I will never answer to any man again.
Never.
Gossip?
Well they can shove it.
Why should I care what anyone thinks?
I dont give a damn what they think.
Maybe I will just stay drunk...
And marry the next guy that sets foot on the Island.
Yeah i can just see that happening.

"takes another drink from the bottle and frowns as she sees the bottle is half gone"
Ah well, shoulda brought two from dome.
Lets see..
Gotta ignore their opinions.
let them gossip all they want.
Move on with my life..
Its my life after all,
I have a right to screw it up if i so choose.
Bah, Its already screwed up.
I take one step forwards..
Get knocked back ten.
No more listening to anyone.

"she finishes the bottle and shoves the journal under the bed and curls up on the floor"

--Journal Entry, 10 November, Vixen Blade

:::sits on her chaise, which is quickly becoming her favorite place in her sitting room, and writes:::

Today has been good. I talked to Taelie, and he understands that we cant be together, or at least, we cant seem to be together. I got into a fight..I always love that. Damn sharken and their sharp teeth. ::rubs the cut on her arm:: I played with Lia...thats enought to brighten any one's day. And, I spent most of the evening talking with Thia. She is always a great help.

::she slows herself down to take one step at a time:::

Uncle Alterio...he shouldnt have even been out there with the Sharken...what happend to "Im not fighting them this time." ? I had to pull him back or else he was going to get hurt by the ship. Of course, he kinda glared at me, but, hey, Im used to that. One day he will understand that I only do what I do to protect him, just like he does me.

::brings up thoughts she had discussed with Thia::

Well, I told Thia too, I believe he doesnt think that I see he cares for me, and only wants to protect me. I do. I know he does. And I know, somewhere in that hard head, he understands that Im only trying to protect him too. We're just too much alike. Thats all there is to it. I would never let anything hurt him that I could stop. And, I know he feels the same. Though, I do still kinda disagree with Thia, sometimes I dont think the things I say to Uncle :::thinks about Ben's actions lately:::

I still love him to death, but, Gods, how could he do some of these things? I worry about Tika. I've watched her mope around the dome, on the streets. Though, I know alot of that has to do with the letter Uncle Alterio wrote her. She showed it to me earlier.

Thia and I agree, my brother was no saint. He did alot wrong to Tika...but, I dont recall ever seeing her show it. For all her quietness and gentleness, she has a strength in her I only wish I had sometimes. I havent seen it lately in her though. I do hope everything works out well for her.

Uncle Alterio idolized my brother, I knew that, but, to tell Tika in no distinct words she was a disappointment to his memory...that was harsh, and uncalled for. I doubt if the woman will even say anything to him about it. Maybe I will...maybe.::chuckles::

Ah, well, its late, and Im in a terrific mood, time to go and snuggle my Lia and go to sleep.

~Lyrias~

:::Just as she is through sprinkling her journal, her sitting room door opens, and there stands her Uncle, arms crossed over his chest, looking quite the bear as she demands some answers. She sighs softly and looks to him.."I was talking to Taelie, that was it, ask anyone at the dome if I didnt tell him it wouldnt work between us. There in person, not through some letter. And besides, where do you get off telling Tika that she is a disappointment to my brother's memory? He was no saint you know..."..::::

--Journal Entry, 10 November, Lyrias Dreams

~wakes fitfully in the backroom of the bakery, where she has been since the confrontation between herself, Ben and Alterio.

she moves slowly, stiffly over to the small writing desk preparing to write, but pausing at the two letter's on her desk from Ben. then over to the official divorce decree. she closes her eyes, pulling the journal to herself and begins to write~~

It is official, Ben and I are divorced. It was a mutual decision on both parts, after alot of thinking.

~glancing up, looking to both letter's from Ben, then back again~

After that night at the 'dome. The confrontation between Alterio, Ben and myself. Ben had a letter sent over to me. He asked if there could be a reconcillation. That all he wanted to do was make me happy. Like I deserved.

I thought long and hard about that. I just could not do it. I know I was no perfect princess in the arriage. What went wrong was ~both~ our faults. But with the events of the past several days, just kept running through my mind. No man, if he claims to love someone ~so~ much, would shove the women he is trying to have a relationship with in your face. Walking off to the Villa with Xanthia snuggling in his arm. Right in front of my face!

~her anger building, as she tries to calm herself. taking in a deep breath~

Maybe what he said was true. I want a marriage that is perfect. Just right. I know that does not happen in this day and age. I seen my parents marriage. It was a farce in itself. The only thing good that came of it, was myself and my brothers. My mother deserved ~so~ much better. And she never got it. But that was the life she choose for herself. But is it wrong for me to want different? Is it wrong for me to want a man that will love me for me. Enjoy being around me. Not going around telling the tales of or lovemaking to this man and that. As if I was some sort of dock whore.

~sighs, shaking her head as she redips her quill~

No, no I deserve better. But I can not help but wonder. What is wrong with me? Am I that bad that I can not hold my husbands? I just do not understand. And I guess I never will. I might as well go to the nunery as Alterio has been wanting.

~her eyes narrowing slightly at the last sentence she wrote. pausing to gently rub the slight bruise that still remains on her cheek. her thoughts on Alterio, as she begins to write again~

My brother. He is very sick. That night, after he and Ben. Alterio had a heart attack. None of us realizing how bad it really was. Because he never told anyone.

Gawds how I thought we were going to lose him that night.

Thank the Gods for Jane. She was right there.

He has been taking it easy, so I am told. I hope so.

I love my brother to death. And despite our differences, he loves me and means well Only wishing to keep me safe and from harm.

~pauses as a customer pounds on the locked door. setting aside the journal, she rises and goes to tell them she is closed~~

--Journal Entry, 10 November, Alianna Carazzi

"she sits up, her back against the wall as she rubs her throbbing temples..feeling the tears start, she closes her eyes tight, willing them away..unsuccessful as tears spill down her cheek, she buries her face in her hands not trying to fight it anymore..she cries til there are no tears left as she wipes her eyes and sighs..glancing towards the window and the sunshine, she frowns and pulls the journal to her"

Another day...sunshine...more tears and a hangover. I think I have managed to stay in this room long enough to not have to see anyone. I dont want to hear "Whats wrong" and have to say "Nothing is wrong" ...Gods how many times have i said that? I will have to hide the tears and the drinking then no one will ask eh? I have managed to the last few days anyways. Laugh and smile at all the right times, forced maybe, but noone notices that.

"she glances around and spies the paper she started writing a will on and sighs again" I have to get that finished soon. Been working on that shit the last couple days. Maybe I will finish it today, Im not going to be at the Boutique for very long today.

I dont hear much noise or moment around, I guess most in the manor have had breakfast and gone out by now. Im going to soak in the tub and calm down or try to at least, then go check on Alterio, then leave for the day. I cant believe he left and went to dome last night. No big surprise though really. Well, I cant chain him to his bed to keep him there nor can I ground him. Although, at most times, he acts childish.

Nuff Babbling for now.

"she shoves the journal under the bed and rises, her head pounding harder as she gets up and closes her eyes and leans against the wall for a moment, she heads for the tub, needing to get dressed and out of here"

--Journal Entry, 10 November, Vixen Blade

~yawning a bit, she finishes packing Adonis powder into her basket before sitting down a moment to relax and write before hurrying out again~

Well things are going just great, I'm tellin' ya. I can't make Alterio listen to me. All I can do is warn, him, let him know the facts, give him his bloody medicine, and hopes he decides it's worth it to stay alive, if only for his children.

I hear he got up and went to the Pleasuredome when I fell asleep last night in my shop while crushing the adonis. Oh, I can't say I blame him. He's the restless sort. Staying in bed...prone, anyway...is an impossibility for him. But it was a necessity! At least for a couple of days. I can only do so much. I'll inform him today that he's free to get up and walk around, but no fighting, no shouting, and nothing that will cause him undue strain of any sort. And I'm going to ask Vix to please ask the maid that's been watching him to leave him be.

I've been running back and forth between manor and shop for a day and a half now, not so often as I threatened that night, but enough to check up regularly on his rhythms, and make sure he's resting...or resting enough to appease me momentarily. I hate dealing with something I can't see healed indefinitely. It drives me crazy. I must admit though, it felt nice to feel needed for something when Ali came running to get me. Even if Alterio fought me at first. I remember when we were first together, and there were times he was willing to see his life ended...so it is now.

I can understand his feelings. He's not what he professes to be on the outside. But then, who is, really?

He needs to slow down, just a little. He's not an old man, but he tries to take everything concerning his family, his business, and anyone he cares for onto his shoulders. If he keeps up, it'll only be a matter of time. But I could tell him these things until I'm blue in the face, and he likely wouldn't alter his lifestyle at all. All I can do is show him the healthy way, but he'll always go his own way.

Something I can't fault him for, because I'm the same. So it's been two days. What's my decision been? Away with the notes. Farewell to the trial. Away goes the letter to Uncle Yorath and Aunt Amy. All that's left to do is wait, give Alt the resources he needs to survive, and just be me as best I can. The booking will be cancelled, nothing needs to be seen to. No loose ends to tie. Perhaps it's a sign.

I'd like to think so.

Jane

~she takes her basket, which also contains a good amount of good foods...berries, grain bread, vegetables, some light meats carefully spiced...all rich in taste and good for you, and treks off to the manor to give Alt the "good" news~

--Journal Entry, 10 November, Jane Maichen

This is so strange. Vixen was the one who furnished my home. I have no idea what to think of that. Is she showing a genture of good faith, or showing she still cares for me? This is ridiculous. I haven't slept for days...because of her. She asked me why I haven't slept earlier, I didn't tell her. I have this feeling she doesn't want to hear that. She just doesn't seem to share the same feelings anymore. I think I might just give up. Maybe I'll send her a letter or something. I don't know anymore.

--Journal Entry, 10 November, Valyndor Lyndrae