| The Complete History Of Pylons |
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| Chapter One: The Black and White Years |
| It's difficult to imagine now in this modern world of colour television, hairdryers and 'Pacman' games, but we didn't always have electricity. Just think for a minute about the poor people in The Black and White Days. What's that, young Neville? Poor old Auntie Mavis has got Termite Disease from having to work in a pit all day? And she wants to see if the doctors and nurses will keep her life support machine going for a few days longer? Sorry, Neville, but the Nurse can't keep winding it up by hand forever, she's due a tea break, soon. Looks like your beloved Aunt Mavis is heading straight for the Science Lab for horrific experiments, because we're living in the Black and White days and Pylons haven't been invented yet. Barbaric, isn't it viewers? Luckily, in this modern age, Auntie Mavis would probably live to the ripe old age of 73 before she tripped over the wires of her Stairlift and died slowly in a puddle of cat piss. But who was the genius behind the Pylon and what was his motives? Step forward Alistair Gordon Pylong, an eccentric Englishman, who in 1917, first came up with the bizarre idea of building tall metal structures towering into the British sky. "My Wife thought I was mad," laughs Alistair today, taking a puff on his crack pipe. "And she's right, I didn't have a clue what the bloody hell I was doing. I initially started building them to piss off the French, as I recall. Everyone was going on about all this wonderful Paris architecture, and I thought, balls to this, us British can build tall things too, only we can do it cheaper and build loads of em without any of that fancy gubbings. 'Build hundreds of them!' I said at the time. Mind you, I could afford it back then, you see, I worked most nights as a DJ." It was Alistair's next door neighbour, Bob, who first saw saw the potential these pylons could carry. Together, over a game of Monopoly, the pair of them dreamed up 'electricity' and set about putting their forward-thinking plans into action. They hired a group of illegal Irish immigrants to build the world's first 'Electricity Pylons' with proper wires and cables and everything. Sadly, the initial batch were built upside down and were no good whatsoever, losing Alistair and Bob valuable time and money. "I blame myself," says Alistair today. He pauses for effect. "Actually, no I don't, I blame them, what a group of tits. They still wanted paying as well, the retards. We gave them only half the agreed kegs of pissy creamy lager, and they seemed happy enough with that. I believe one of them went on to become Ronan Keating's dead Grandfather." The initial teething problems were eventually resolved. The Pylons were on the map and growing at a steady rate. The BBC decided to invent television, and suddenly Pylons couldn't be built fast enough. It was a time of prosperity and good health. But War was just around the corner....... |
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