BIOGRAPHY
(Pretentiously written in third-person perspective)
Species: Human (arguable) Gender: Male Height: 6’ 1” Weight: None of your business Hair: Yes Eyes: 2 Hobbies: Writing, cartooning, reading, webmastering, fencing
Born in Torquay, Darth Bargepole’s family eventually settled in The United States when he was two years old. He grew up with the American education system, which means he’s far behind the rest of the world educationally, but at least he’s ahead of half the British school system. Growing up surrounded by children who would often shock the creators of South Park with their cruelty and evil, it’s no wonder he turned out a little . . . odd. But, during that time, he also made some of his dearest and closest friends. They are also cruel and evil, but at least they’re on his side, and a fun bunch of folks with whom one can pillage Ohioan hick towns.
Educated at Kent State University (yes, where those students got shot in 1970), he read mostly Biology, some Journalism and Mass Communications, and one Introduction to World Politics course. Once told by an ex-girlfriend (“She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named”) that he had no common sense, he settled for developing his uncommon nonsense. He was two courses away from a bachelor’s degree when the money and his green card (which was pink, by the way) were about to run out. The most useful things he learned while at university were HTML encoding, how to fight with several types of sword, and that the best way to deal with petty university politics is a thermal detonator inserted into the offending administrator.
Well-travelled and unofficially voted “Best Masseur in Ohio,” he aims to help make the world a better place through uncommon nonsense and relaxation massage. Now back in Britain, he hopes to prove to the world that voting for the Official Monster Raving Loony Party is the only sane thing to do. He now has an apprentice, Darth Syren, who is currently progressing with her training.
And in case you were wondering, it’s “Darth” as in “Dark Lord of the Sith,” and “Bargepole” as in “I wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot bargepole.” He is a Star Wars fan with some rather unconventional ideas and a scathing attitude toward total idiocy.*
* Mild or moderate idiocy is tolerable. It’s the difference between the prankster who tells the new farmhand to milk the bull (moderate idiocy), and the new farmhand who actually does it (total idiocy).
web-surfers now wish they hadn’t asked.