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Chris Farley
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March 29th 1995
David Letterman Interviewing Chris Farley

LETTERMAN: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the "human thunder ball", Chris Farley!

(Chris emerges onto the stage, performing two entire cartwheels, some head banging and other craziness. He goes behind the chairs, straight to Dave, vigorously shakes Dave's hand with both hands. Chris then raises his arms to the crowd, does a little more head banging then flops into the chair and swigs a big load out of the coffee mug on the table)

LETTERMAN: Man alive! Now we're talking, buddy! That was something. Very, very impressive. That's quite an entrance!

FARLEY: Dave, you know, the uh… friend that works here uh… that ah… you have –

(Dave laughs)

LETTERMAN: Well, he's more than just a friend. Actually, he's on the payroll.

(Chris chuckles)

FARLEY: He said you liked physical stuff, so I uh --

LETTERMAN: Well, that was a very impressive entrance. I think in the ten years we've been doing this show; I've never seen anything quite like that.

FARLEY: (Yelling like a quarterback calling a play in the huddle) Wanna do what the King wants!!

(Audience cheers)

So, I like to do that! I'm on the Dave Letterman show!!

(Audience cheers)

By Golly!

(Replay of Farley's cartwheels)

LETTERMAN: Look at this, now look! Man! That's a --

FARLEY: That's a whole lotta… what an idiot!

LETTERMAN: You sir, are a regular Nadia Comeneci! You are a Mary Lou Retton! How you doing, buddy? You getting all excited about your big movie?

FARLEY: Oh, man, yeah!

LETTERMAN: Things are getting better and better for you, aren’t they?

FARLEY: Yeah -- ah -- er -- I love it.

LETTERMAN: Do you get a sense now, of how your life might change with the fame that is going to come with the release of this film? Not that you're not famous now, but, you know, it's gonna be more and more!

FARLEY: Well, I don't know, ah -- sometimes people come up to me and like ask for an autograph. One time I was with my Dad and uh --

LETTERMAN: What's your Dad's name?

FARLEY: My Dad's named Tom.

LETTERMAN: Uh-huh.

FARLEY: Yeah. And then, the ah, the chef at the restaurant came up and asked for an autograph, and so I signed it, and then my Dad goes "What'd you put on there??" and I go, well, he just wanted an autograph so I signed my name, and he goes "OH FOR GODS' SAKES MAKE IT PERSONAL!! FOLKS ARE COMING UP THERE TAKING A RISK IN ASKING YOU, MAKE IT PERSONAL FOR GODS' SAKE!

(Audience laughs)

YOU SIGN YOUR NAME LIKE A JACKASS!"

(Audience and Dave laugh)

No, but um -- I don't know, it's like sometimes people come up for an autograph, but it's not gonna change me, I'm just the same old Chris.

(Chris puts on a pair of sunglasses)
(Audience laughs)

Nothing's gonna happ….

(Chris rolls back, chair falls completely, dumps him backwards, legs up in the air, he pops back up)
(Audience laughs)

I'VE BROKEN YOUR EQUIPMENT!

(Chris puts the chair back up, walks around, sits down again, falls over again)

LETTERMAN: Whoa! Look out! Are you all right? Are you gonna be OK?

FARLEY: Yeah, I thought that --

LETTERMAN: Well, here, you know, here you go you can have one of those, congratulations.

(Dave hands Chris an Oscar from underneath his desk and hands it to Chris, he clutches the Oscar tightly with both hands, and holds it to his face with a cheesy smile)

FARLEY: Oh my goodness!

(Dave reaches for another Oscar, sets it on the table and Chris takes it and bites off the head and rubs his tummy)
(Dave and audience laugh)

FARLEY: I like chocolate!

LETTERMAN: Oh... man! Chris, you're from ah -- I think you're from Wisconsin, right? Madison, Wisconsin?

FARLEY: Yes SIR.

LETTERMAN: Beautiful state and a very nice city. Madison, I think, is the capital of Wisconsin, right?

FARLEY: (Kind of choking) Yeah. Sorry about that.

(He starts slamming his right fist into his heart like a heart attack)

LETTERMAN: Hee, hee, hee! Uh --

FARLEY: Yeah, Madison is the capital of Wisc --

LETTERMAN: What about your Mom? You mentioned your Dad, how's your Mom doing?

FARLEY: Oh, she's great.

LETTERMAN: What kind of life did you and your folks have when you were a kid?

FARLEY: Oh Lord, Dave I put them through hell. No… (smiles). Sorry about that.

(Dave leans forward with a napkin and wipes chocolate from Chris' cheek. Chris laughs and then Dave kisses Chris on the cheek! Chris gets very excited, wrings his hands, laughing)

LETTERMAN: I'VE GONE NUTS! I'VE GONE NUTS! I can't STOP IT!

(Chris claps, laughing)

FARLEY: (Puts hands together) Oh Dave, I never thought it could happen!

(Holds his heart and gives a naughty little grin)

LETTERMAN: Alright, now --

FARLEY: What if I just start falling in love with you?

LETTERMAN: No, don't, now, OK. 

FARLEY: Sorry.

LETTERMAN: ‘Cause we're just kidding around. It's TV, you know, and it's all for charity.

(Chris laughs)

So now your Mom, and your Mom's name is what?

FARLEY: My Mom's name is Mary Ann.

LETTERMAN: Mary Ann and Tom, OK! Now, how does Mar -- how did she -- what was she like as a kid, what kind of a Mom was she?

FARLEY: Oh, she was wonderful, but probably, you know, as I said, "put her through hell".

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

FARLEY: I remember sometimes I'd – um -- I'd come home from school. She kept trying to put me in a diet. In sixth grade, she took me to Weight Watchers and stuff like that.

LETTERMAN: How much did you weigh in 6th grade? Do you mind tellin'?

FARLEY: I was a pretty hefty kid, I was on the, ah, highest level football team when I was in the 6th grade, which was usually for the 8th graders, but, I did it, mostly because of my bulk.

(Pushes neck out, like the "weight room" bit in Tommy Boy)
(Dave laughs)

But ah -- but so she tried to make me lose weight, and so she put me on Weight Watchers, and had Weight Watchers all up and down the refrigerator, and she had the ice cream in there, and I'd come home from after school, watch reruns of Gilligan's Island and take that gallon of Weight Watchers ice cream, eat it and my Mom would go "Christopher, I know it's Weight Watchers, but it doesn't work when you eat the whole gallon."

(Dave and the audience laugh)

No, but ah -- so, she's excellent.

LETTERMAN: You want me to get a towel for your hair? Because it looks like it's not quite dry yet, we don't want you catching cold!

(Chris and the audience laugh)

I'll tell you what Chris, we gotta do a commercial, and when we come back, we'll talk about your show, we'll talk about your movie, we'll talk about anything else that's going on in your life, alright?

FARLEY: Excellent.

LETTERMAN: All right great, we'll be right back here with Chris Farley.

(On segue to commercial we see a slow motion replay of Dave's kiss)
(Commercials)

FARLEY: I love this show, Dave

LETTERMAN: You and I worked together an NBC for a while, I think you -- ok, how long have you been over there yourself?
FARLEY: This is my fifth year.

LETTERMAN: Fifth year, and so ah, we knew each other before I came over here to CBS. What was that like for you, all of the sudden you're working there at NBC? That must have been a huge thrill for ya?

FARLEY: God, it was so awesome. I remember, you probably did see me all the time ‘cause I was always going back and forth down onto your show, watching and stuff.

LETTERMAN: I remember, yeah, we would see you in the hallway if we had a band or a guest on that you would like you would come down, yeah it was nice.

FARLEY: You'd say "Beat it, tubby, the beverages aren't free!"

(Dave laughs)

No, you did say something about beverages one time! But ah man, um, aw dang I love this show, though I've been watching it for 12 years! Except for anytime we used to watch it in college.

(Takes drag from fake joint)

"Ahh ha, ha, ha! Letterman, man!! How does he -- check out Letterman!! Ha, ha, ha, ha, (throws head around) check him out, man!"

(Audience laughs)

So, I always used to go down there and watch out from 8 and then your studio at 6, and then, but first time I got hired at Saturday Night Live I was kind of paranoid and, and scared, I had that "ID card", you know?

LETTERMAN: Oh yeah, you gotta have the NBC ID.

FARLEY: NBC ID, and I lost it!

LETTERMAN: Oh no.

FARLEY: And I thought, "Oh my God, security's been BREACHED, they're gonna have to redo everyone's security code, I thought it was a huge deal, and my, my paranoid fantasy was that, like it would get to you and you're like "who is the jackass they hired up at Saturday Night Live?! He can’t hold on to an ID card? Get him out of here!" And I was like "nooooo! I'll find it!"

LETTERMAN: Yeah, I pretty much called the shots over there.

(Audience laughs)

Yeah, that's how that worked. And that's why I had to leave! Well, let's talk about the movie! Well, you're very excited. It's called "Tommy Boy". You and David Spade. David Spade, very funny man, very nice guy. And you guys are friends as well as working together on the show, and now in this big movie.

FARLEY: Yeah, he's my buddy; we had a lot of fun. I love this movie!

LETTERMAN: Shot it in Toronto?

FARLEY: Yeah, we shot it in Toronto. We had to go back and forth a lot from Toronto to New York, because we were doing the show at the same time. So we'd like, break up the monotony and stuff like that, and Spade said that -- he kept trying to bug me about my weight and said I kept eating when I got nervous, But then, ah. This jacket used to fit me during the shoot!

(Chris is trying to pull his jacket together in front with no luck)
(Dave and audience laugh)

But, ah so, he says, he exaggerated to like "don't give me that excuse about nerves!" He exaggerates to like "Oh my God there's a red stoplight!”

(Chris chomps)

“Not another blue car!!”

(Chris munches)

One time on the plane, he'd always check the candy bar drawer to make sure there was – ah -- they were all full, but ah, the second time he checked it, it was all wrappers, there was chocolate all around my mouth, and I go " I don't know where they went!"

(Audience laughs)

Had to break up the monotony, one time everyone was really tired and I couldn't sleep for some reason, so they all woke up and I was bare naked on the plane! The pilot said "GET YOUR CLOTHES ON, IT REEKS IN HERE!" no –

(Audience chuckles)

Oh God, that was a bad one, I shouldn't have gone on the air with that!

(Huge laughs from Dave)
(Chris pulls his hair)

LETTERMAN: No, Chris you're being too hard on yourself, that's a lovely story! (Dave laughs)
Let's talk a little bit about the movie. "Tommy Boy" it's about a kid, that like, inherits his Dad's business? That kind of deal? Is that what it is?

FARLEY: Yeah, umm, I go work for my Dad; played by Brian Dennehy. Man he is awesome!

LETTERMAN: Now that's excellent casting, the two of you, I could believe that, father and son! That's a good job!

FARLEY: Yeah.

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

FARLEY: And then, uh, I keep screwing up for the company and stuff. I really love this movie, I hope that everyone will like it, ‘cause we had fun making it, and I think it's really good.

LETTERMAN: I hope so, too! I hope it's a HUGE hit for ya, and for David Spade, and everybody else as well.

FARLEY: ‘Cause if I don't I'm going back to Wisconsin on the farm, so GO TO IT!!!

(Several small laughs from the audience)

No, no, that was stupid too! I shouldn't have done that either.

(Dave laughs)

LETTERMAN: You know, you're very entertaining, and a very nice guy, I appreciate you coming over to say hello tonight.

FARLEY: (Earnestly) Thanks, Dave. Thanks.

LETTERMAN: All right, good luck Chris.

FARLEY: Thanks a lot, man.

LETTERMAN: Thank you very much. Chris Farley! We'll be right back!

THE END
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