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Howard Stern Interviewing David Letterman

March 19th 1996

DELL'ABATE: So, Dave, the big question is, what made you finally decide to come in today?

LETTERMAN: Because Howard has asked me to be on the show for 12 years, and I've never been able to do it, and I just realized, well, this is stupid. I should do something nice for Howard. He's done nice things for us.

STERN: 12 years in the waiting. We get David Letterman to sit down for an interview.

QUIVERS: Are we on some kind of a time limit?

STERN: I don't know. We're probably on a time limit.

(Letterman walks into the recording studio)

STERN: There he is. Let me look. I never thought I'd see you in this studio. Let's see how that looks.

QUIVERS: That's the way it looks.

STERN: There he is, the King of Late Night. Look at him standing there. Wow. Look at that.

(Applause)

QUIVERS: Good morning.

STERN: That's Diamond. That's your assistant, right?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: So how horrible is this for you to be here?

LETTERMAN: It's not horrible at all. I'll tell you something. There's too many people, you know, there's too many cars, and, you know, I got important things to do today. I'm coming in here to be on the radio. I have to help you. You've been nice enough to invite me in here to help entertain America this morning.

STERN: This is my reward.

LETTERMAN: Everybody else on the highway, they're coming to town to like look at shoes or something or go to lunch.

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: That's not important. That's non essential.

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: I'm here on a mission. Get off the West Side highway. Please, do me a favor. Just get off the highway.

STERN: You drove yourself here?

LETTERMAN: Yes, I did. It's no longer a viable highway. It's not. It's turned into a pedestrian mall.

QUIVERS: You don't have a driver or you --

STERN: You don't have a driver?

LETTERMAN: No, I don't have a driver.

STERN: That's the whole thing. Dave likes to drive his own car.

LETTERMAN: Yeah. You have a driver.

STERN: Yeah.

LETTERMAN: Don't you get tired of saying, "No, no, left here. No, no, I said left. No, no, no, no, it's right. No, two blocks down and then a left."

STERN: I find it tremendously relaxing --

LETTERMAN: No, no.

STERN: -- to be able to drive in --

LETTERMAN: No.

STERN: Dave, look at me.

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: All right. I find it tremendously -- I want some eye contact.

LETTERMAN: I have to look at you?

STERN: Yeah, you have to look at me.

LETTERMAN: Oh, Howard.

QUIVERS: That's part of it. That's part of being here.

STERN: Listen to me. We're gonna have fun. We're gonna talk. Relax.

QUIVERS: Well, you know, the reason I was shocked he doesn't have a driver is you're telling me on those birthday shows when you call in, you're driving and talking on the phone at the same time?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, that's right.

STERN: Oh, yeah, yeah.

LETTERMAN: This is 1995. They've got car phones. Have you ever heard of car phones?

QUIVERS: Well, that makes more sense to me now.

STERN: No, he likes driving in, but to me I find it very relaxing to --

LETTERMAN: They have remote controls too, VCR's. They got everything. It's amazing.

QUIVERS: No. It's just you're very relaxed about doing this program.

STERN: Why are you so tan? Where were you?

LETTERMAN: It's my blood pressure.

STERN: Were you on vacation?

LETTERMAN: I was on vacation.

STERN: Where do you go to vacation? Do you go to Hawaii?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, I go to Hawaii (laughs).

STERN: No. Where do you go?

LETTERMAN: I go to Waikiki, exactly.

STERN: No, what do you do? I mean, you've obviously been to someplace warm.

LETTERMAN: I'm staying at the Hyatt there at Maui.

STERN: No. Where do you go? Don't be uptight.

LETTERMAN: It's lovely. They've got a dolphin show four times a day.

STERN: Answer the question. Where do you go? Do you go to Los Angeles when you're on vacation?

LETTERMAN: No, no. I have a little time share condo in Gary, Indiana, on Lake Michigan.

STERN: No, no, no, you go to an island.

LETTERMAN: I have a place in the Poconos.

STERN: Come on. You go to the island, right?

LETTERMAN: Honeymoon spot, one of those heart-shaped tubs.

STERN: You go to an island?

LETTERMAN: (Goofing around in a radio voice) That's where I'm going, sure.

STERN: Do you go to an island?

LETTERMAN: I went to see my sister and her family in Florida.

STERN: I see. So obviously you went out in the sun?

LETTERMAN: When I go out in the sun, I'm out running. That's when I get this way.

STERN: And you run?

LETTERMAN: I run, yeah.

STERN: And that is the thing now, and you eat once a day; am I correct?

LETTERMAN: No. On vacation I eat like all day. I get up in the morning and I just don't stop eating.

STERN: And you don't think you're getting too thin?

LETTERMAN: No, because the last time I weighed myself I was 204, 204.

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: 204.

QUIVERS: Really?

STERN: No, you do not weigh 204.

LETTERMAN: Not now.

STERN: That was when you weighed yourself.

LETTERMAN: When i weighed myself, and then I said this is too heavy, so I now try to keep myself at like 170 or something.
STERN: And you only eat once a day?

LETTERMAN: You know, the problem is on vacation I eat like four or five times a day, so now I'm worried that I'm not gonna be able to get this off.

STERN: All right. So you go on vacation, and what is David Letterman like when he is not David Letterman, when he's not doing this show? Do you think Late Shift was accurate?

LETTERMAN: You know, I didn't read it. I didn't see it.

STERN: You did see it; you had to have seen it.

LETTERMAN: No, I didn't see it.

STERN: What happened with the guy who was supposed to be on the show?

LETTERMAN: We ran out of time and he got bumped.

STERN: And you never had him back?

LETTERMAN: No, never had him back.

STERN: Did you do that -- you did that -- that's your own little joke.

QUIVERS: You did that on purpose.

LETTERMAN: We'll have him back for his next project.

(Hoots from the cast)

STERN: Wait a second, Dave. That was intentional, right?

LETTERMAN: No, it wasn't.

STERN: That was to embarrass the guy.

LETTERMAN: No, it was not to embarrass him.

QUIVERS: You mistreated the guy.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, that's why I'm in business, to embarrass people.

STERN: How happy were you when you said to the guy, "Listen, you're not getting on, and you know what? Don't come back"?

LETTERMAN: No, no, no. That's what I said to Morty.

(Hoots from the cast)

STERN: What's going on with Morty? Now, can I give you my theory? And tell me if I'm wrong.

LETTERMAN: Oh, yeah, this will be good. Let me get a pad and jot some of these things down.

STERN: You know what I think?

LETTERMAN: I want to hear Howard's theory.

STERN: I think Morty -- Morty is Dave's producer who was just --

QUIVERS: Was.

STERN: Okay. Let me tell you what I think.

LETTERMAN: Okay.

STERN: I think that when you do a show for many, many years, sometimes you need to have an infusion of energy, or whatever it is. You need certain talents around you. Morty is a schmoozer. He's not really a creative guy, and while Morty served a certain function for you in terms of, you know, meeting the public and going out and doing these meet-and-greets and stuff, basically he couldn't contribute to the show the way your head writer could. So you edged Morty out. Fair assessment?

LETTERMAN: Nothing could be farther from the truth.

STERN: Really?

LETTERMAN: Let me explain to you exactly what happened.

STERN: Morty's a schmoozer.

QUIVERS: I don't see why Morty couldn't stay there --

LETTERMAN: Can I talk here?

QUIVERS: -- and continue to do that.

STERN: Because they're paying him two million dollars a year.

LETTERMAN: We caught him stealing computers. That's why he couldn't stay.

STERN: Morty made two million a year, which knocked me on my ass.

LETTERMAN: Stealing computers.

STERN: When I heard Morty made two million dollars a year, it knocked me on my ass.

LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: I said there's no way.

QUIVERS: Now, who was paying that? Were you paying that?

STERN: Give me half a million. I'll give you ideas for the show.

LETTERMAN: It's the Benevolent Fund. People around the country have chipped in to support that. No, you know, I'm sorry Morty -- I hope Morty isn't gone.

STERN: He is.

LETTERMAN: But we had a lot of difficult things going on, and you have to make some choices, and unfortunately --

STERN: Morty got edged out.

LETTERMAN: I just had to make a hard choice, and I consider him still my friend. He was terrific, and I hope that we can continue to work together, but it's just one of those things. Every now and then you have to do something --

QUIVERS: Well, what were the choices?

STERN: I understand it.

LETTERMAN: I'm not at liberty to go into this right now.

STERN: I would like to fire my producer, but I just can't.

QUIVERS: I would like to know what the choices were.

STERN: Well, I'll tell 'ya.

LETTERMAN: I'm not telling 'ya.

STERN: Come on. You better fess up. Do you want me to tell 'ya?

LETTERMAN: Get out the sodium pentathol.

STERN: Diamond knows this. Morty doesn't -- Morty's a schmoozer. He's not like a real creative guy.

QUIVERS: Yeah, but at one time there was a two million dollar spot for that schmoozer.

LETTERMAN: Morty is a very nice man.

STERN: Morty is a great --

LETTERMAN: He made an invaluable contribution to the program, and we are all going to miss him.

STERN: Not really. If he was invaluable, he'd still be there. OK. Now, who irritates you more, Morty or the guy from Late Shift?

LETTERMAN: I don't even know the guy from Late Shift, and we didn't bump him intentionally. We just ran out of time
because, you know, the show was just that good that night and we just ran out of time.

STERN: Did Morty get to take the elevator down or did you push him out a window? Come on. Be honest. Why don't you tell the truth for once.

(Commercials)

STERN: Word association. Kathie Lee Gifford.

LETTERMAN: Lovely, lovely woman.

STERN: Really?

LETTERMAN: Yes.

STERN: You feel that way?

LETTERMAN: Yes.

STERN: Would you like to have sex with her?

LETTERMAN: Yes.

QUIVERS: You'd like to have her sing on your show.

LETTERMAN: Yes.

STERN: Why do you have her sing on your show?

LETTERMAN: Because I think if we have her sing on the show, I might be able to have sex with her.

STERN: I think if you were honest, you'd say, yes, she's attractive, but you can't stand the vapidness of Kathie Lee Gifford.

QUIVERS: And you're making fun of her by having her sing.

LETTERMAN: Nothing could be farther from the truth. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

(Letterman gives the high sign)

STERN: And by having her on --

QUIVERS: And by singing especially. It's a goof.

STERN: -- you're goofing on her, but I mean, she doesn't know. I mean, I think you're goofing on her.

LETTERMAN: I think she's goofing on everybody, don't you?

STERN: All right. Are you ready?

LETTERMAN Ready for what?

STERN: Let's talk personal now.

LETTERMAN: All right. Here we go.

STERN: Merrill Markoe I've had on this show many times, your long-time girl friend.

LETTERMAN: Don't pick on Merrill.

STERN: No. I think she's terrific. I think she's terrific, but I can understand, you become very famous, and then you have to experience the better side of life.

LETTERMAN: Oh, stop it. You stop it.

STERN: Would you consider yourself a womanizer?

LETTERMAN: No.

STERN: I can't figure you out. I mean, if I was in your situation -- you're smart. You got your divorce early on.

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: Very smart.

LETTERMAN: Very smart to get the divorce early on.

STERN: Well, you never had to give up any of your dough.

LETTERMAN: I had nothing when we got divorced.

STERN: Perfect. That's even better. So all of a sudden you got no wife. You're a single guy.

LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: You become David Letterman. And you didn't get laid a lot in high school, right?

LETTERMAN: No. All my life I never got laid at all. I just don't -- some guys --

STERN: When did you lose your virginity?

LETTERMAN: What makes you think I have? I used to work with guys --

STERN: Yeah, right.

LETTERMAN: I used to work with guys in Indianapolis. There was a guy who was like, I don't know, a director or something.

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: And one morning he comes to work, and he's like an hour late, and everybody -- because, you know, you got
nothing else -- it's a local station, you got nothing to talk about so, "Well, where the hell were you?" (Imitating a radio voice) "You're not gonna believe it, man. I'm driving 465. This beautiful woman in a car pulls right up next to me. She starts waving and honking. The next thing I know, we're in a hotel and I'm just screwing my brains out. I've never seen her before in my life."

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: Well, that never happened to me.

(Hoots from cast)

STERN: That never happened to you.

LETTERMAN: Hey, how about that little radio voice though? We're doing like a little radio play here. That was pretty good, wasn't it?

STERN: You're doing very good. You're doing good.

LETTERMAN: (Radio voice) "Hey, man, so the guy says" --

STERN: That's theater of the mind. Very good.

LETTERMAN: Was Jim Belushi in here?

STERN: Yeah.

LETTERMAN: How was he?

STERN: He was good. He did a real good job.

LETTERMAN: I haven't seen Jim in a long time.

STERN: He was fun. We a good time.

LETTERMAN: What did you talk about?

STERN: And he was grateful to you. He told me off the air --

LETTERMAN: Well, I like him. I've always thought he was a very nice man.

STERN: He said when he was at Saturday Night Live he was low man on the totem pole, and you would put him on every
once in awhile.

LETTERMAN: Well, he was always real good on the show.

STERN: Yeah, I mean, that's what you did for me, because we were talking about it. When I was at NBC, I always got my --

LETTERMAN: (Goofing around in a radio voice) Howard, Howard, Howard.

STERN: You don't want to talk about it?

LETTERMAN: No, no. I'm just making noise. I don't get to be on radio much. I'm just making some noise here. I got the cans on.

STERN: All right. Get back to your personal life.

LETTERMAN: No. I just want to talk for a second about when you used to be on the show.

QUIVERS: You'd rather talk about that.

LETTERMAN: Well, I can talk about that for a minute.

STERN: No. When I first got on the David Letterman Show --

LETTERMAN: Yeah. You were enormous. You were huge. You were a balloon.

STERN: No, no, no. I was at NBC radio. They are beating me up pretty good, and then you had me on as a guest.

LETTERMAN: That's right.

STERN: And by having me on as a guest, it sort of elevated me in their eyes.

QUIVERS: That helped a lot.

STERN: It helped a lot.

LETTERMAN: The first time I knew of you in that building, one night it was about 7:00 o'clock, and a couple of guys get off the elevator on the 14th floor, you know, just guys, you know, just that kind of, hey, just that kind of guy.

STERN: Yeah, guys, guys.

LETTERMAN: And I walked out and I said, "Can I help you guys?" (Radio voice) And they said, "Yeah. Can you tell me where they do the Howard Sterns show?"

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: Just like the guy we were talking about in Indianapolis who got laid on the way to work. It's that same voice.

STERN: Same guy. Good impression.

LETTERMAN: (Radio voice) "Howard Sterns, Man."

STERN: Talk about your personal life. So you can have any girl -- you once got mad at me because I talked about your -- I read an article in the Enquirer. You yelled at me during the commercial, during the show.

LETTERMAN: That's right. It was upsetting to me because your comments had made my -- they were upsetting to me and to my girl friend.

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: And so when you're in a relationship, if you don't stand up for something that's unpleasant or making your girl friend unhappy, then you're just a weasel, you're scum.

STERN: Yeah, so meanwhile I was in the middle of trying to be funny.

LETTERMAN: I had to take you down a peg, pal.

STERN: You did.

LETTERMAN: I knocked the wind out of you, buddy.

STERN: What's weird about that incident, I was in the middle of trying to be funny on your show.

LETTERMAN: (Goofing around with his radio voice) Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard.

STERN: Listen to me. Stay with me on this.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, I'm with you.

QUIVERS: You know, because I was kind of wondering how she would know he stood up for her.

LETTERMAN: In the middle of trying to be funny.

STERN: He told her.

LETTERMAN: In the middle of trying to be funny.

QUIVERS: It wasn't on the air.

STERN: He went home.

LETTERMAN: When will that pass be completed? You're in the middle of trying to be funny.

STERN: Imagine this.

QUIVERS: The whole idea is to do it in public so that everybody knows.

STERN: You should have told me off on the show.

LETTERMAN: I was graceful enough. I was gracious enough. I did the gentlemanly thing.

STERN: First of all, I went home that night. I was all shook up.

LETTERMAN: Here's Howard trying to be funny, in the middle of trying to be funny.

STERN: I started to write Dave a letter to say, "Hey, listen."

LETTERMAN: Oh, that will be good, a letter from Howard.

STERN: No, but I never sent it, and I'll tell you why. I was sitting there, I was saying, "Well, what did I do wrong?" I goof around about everyone.

LETTERMAN: Of course you do. I understand that.

STERN: Your girl friend is probably a beautiful woman, but it was a bad picture of her in the Enquirer.

LETTERMAN: I understand that.

STERN: They had her jogging with her hair back.

LETTERMAN: I understand that. You understand that. She doesn't understand that. She is unaccustomed to having people say unpleasant things about her on the radio, and I had to react to that. That's all that was.

STERN: But I was in the middle -- wasn't I in the middle of trying to be funny? You don't yell at me when I'm --

LETTERMAN: You're still in the middle of trying to be funny, Howard.

QUIVERS: It's a long middle.

STERN: I see. So you're still with the same girl friend?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: You are?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: You stick to the same girl?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: But you will never marry again; is that true?

LETTERMAN: No, I'll get married again.

STERN: You will?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, sure.

STERN: But you're not gonna.

LETTERMAN: What do you mean? I'm gonna get married. See, you've been married once.

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: You only want to be married once, right?

STERN: Well...........

(Hoots from the cast)

Yeah. I would like to experience my fame and be able to go out with women. That would be an interesting proposition to me.

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: That would be an interesting proposition to me.

LETTERMAN Right, sure.

STERN: Because, like you said, I never got laid.

LETTERMAN: So get the divorce.

STERN: No.

LETTERMAN: Lose half of everything you have.

STERN: But I love my wife.

LETTERMAN: Automatically lose half of everything you have.

STERN: No, I can't deal with that. I love my wife. I can't imagine what it would be like to be single and be able to get women.
LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: And you're experiencing that and yet --

QUIVERS: No, he's not.

LETTERMAN: It's another frustration for you. It's sort of like being in the middle of trying to be funny.

STERN: But you've done the whole actress thing.

LETTERMAN: I've done the whole actress thing?

STERN: Yeah, right, you've dated actresses.

LETTERMAN: I've never dated an actress.

STERN: After Merrill you never went and like dated some of the women from the show?

LETTERMAN: No.

STERN: That never happened?

LETTERMAN: No.

STERN: What's going on?

LETTERMAN: Well, they don't want any part of me.

STERN: Oh, that's so wrong.

LETTERMAN: No, they don't want any part of me.

QUIVERS: What about that thing where he wrote on his hand, "I hate myself"?

STERN: Yeah, to Teri Garr.

QUIVERS: That whole thing. Isn't that flirting?

STERN: That's a move. Diamond, is that a move?

(Diamond shakes her head)

STERN: Oh, all right, you can't say.

LETTERMAN: That's a move, sure. No. The beginning of the show had not gone very well, and I was upset because the audience wasn't responding because --

STERN: You take it too seriously.

LETTERMAN: -- because I was not funny. I was in the middle of trying to be funny.

STERN: All right. We're running a bit there.

LETTERMAN: I was in the middle of trying to be funny.

STERN: But didn't Johnny Carson teach you to chase broads? I mean, he is your idol.

LETTERMAN: Yes, yes, he did. He was running a seminar for like four weekends at his house in Malibu. You'd go out there and he'd hire actresses to come in and you'd chase broads.

(Commercials)

STERN: I don't believe for one minute that you worshipped Johnny Carson. I don't buy that. I think that's a load of crap.

QUIVERS: Why not? You don't believe he likes Regis Philbin. You don't believe a lot of stuff that Dave says.

LETTERMAN: First of all, who do you like in radio? Who do you look up to? Cousin Brucie. I know he's a big fan. You're a big fan of his. Cousin Brucie.

STERN: No, I'm not a Cousin Brucie fan.

LETTERMAN: Who do you look up to? Who do you look up to?

STERN: I'll tell you something. I think radio is an abomination.

LETTERMAN: But who did you look up to --

STERN: Nobody.

LETTERMAN: -- when you were a kid growing up out there on Long Island?

STERN: I used to listen to this guy named Brad Crandall.

LETTERMAN: What did he do?

STERN: He was on NBC late at night, and he would give out advice.

LETTERMAN: Oh, the Brad Crandall Show.

STERN: He started out -- did you ever hear it?

LETTERMAN: No.

STERN: The guy started out -- it was like people would call him up and go, "Brad, I have a broken door."

LETTERMAN: Right, like Bernard Melzer.

STERN: Well, wait a second. "How do I fix it?" And the guy had knowledge. He obviously had worked in some kind of
department store or something and knew how to fix a door. Suddenly the next guy goes, "Brad, my mother's going in for brain surgery. What kind of doctor -- how do I" -- all of a sudden the guy said, "Well, I've got to be a know-it-all," and then he started advising on brain surgery. The next thing you knew he was a financial guy. The next thing you knew he's a lovelorn guy.

LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: Anything you threw at this guy, he had an answer. It was all crap.

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: You knew he didn't know a thing, but the fact was he was consistent.

LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: He would never admit he didn't know anything.

LETTERMAN: So there you go.

STERN: And him I admire.

LETTERMAN: You looked up to him.

STERN: Well, I guess so, if you're gonna pick a guy.

LETTERMAN: Same with me and Carson. I always thought Carson was your Brad Crandall.

STERN: Really.

LETTERMAN: Carson is my Brad Crandall. I called him to fix a door.

STERN: And you called Carson when you needed advice about NBC?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, when we were trying to decide whether to stay, because they had offered us the Tonight Show, and we
also had the situation at CBS. So I called him, I said, "Well, what do you think? What makes sense to you?"

STERN: I thought the Late Shift was very good, by the way.

QUIVERS: They had offered you the Tonight Show, but you would have to wait until Leno's contract ran out?

LETTERMAN: Yeah. It would be like another year or something, yeah. Did you like me with the red hair though?

STERN: That guy was really good.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, I understand. Yeah, red hair, red hair.

STERN: I think he was acting.

LETTERMAN: I'm sorry. I guess there was just no videotape available on me.

STERN: No, I think you're nutty. I think you're nutty. Diamond, is Dave nutty backstage?

LETTERMAN: "Does anybody have any idea what Dave looks like? Could we get some videotape?"

STERN: Wasn't it accurate? Doesn't he throw stuff and everything?

LETTERMAN: "Just my guess. I think Letterman has red hair. No way we could confirm that, of course, because we have no idea. That's a guess he has red hair."

QUIVERS: Quite frankly, I was expecting you to look like that guy. I really don't know who you are.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, well, sure.

STERN: The one part I didn't buy in the Late Shift --

LETTERMAN: Who cares.

STERN: -- I don't believe Morty's opinion counted.

LETTERMAN: Nothing could be farther from the truth.

(Letterman gives the high sign)
(Laughter from cast)

STERN: I mean, like he's at every meeting. Why would you bring Morty into a meeting when you're meeting with your agent and discussing how much money you make?

QUIVERS: What do you think he should do?

LETTERMAN: I always liked Morty. I got a kick out of Morty.

STERN: Morty knows a lot about you. Can he write a book about you?

LETTERMAN: Sure, sure, absolutely.

STERN: There's no kind of thing holding him back?

QUIVERS: No clause in the contract?

LETTERMAN: No. He can do whatever he likes.

STERN: You're not worried about that?

LETTERMAN: No, I'm not worried about that, because he is a gentleman and I like the man.

STERN: Word association. Ready?

LETTERMAN: Yeah. I thought we had completed the word association part.

QUIVERS: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I do have to ask you one more question about Morty.

LETTERMAN: Let's go to the true-false.

STERN: We have tons of questions. How long do I have you for?

LETTERMAN: I don't know. What are we gonna do?

STERN: Give me a couple more minutes.

LETTERMAN: Who's coming up next? Who's after me?

STERN: We're gonna do the news and then we're getting the hell out of here.

LETTERMAN: Okay.

QUIVERS: But let me ask, because this is bothering me.

LETTERMAN: Sure, Robin, go ahead, sure.

QUIVERS: You are now saying that Morty is not doing anything. In the paper it said that he was going to take this new deal in your production company.

LETTERMAN: Yeah. I don't know that he has.

STERN: There's no new deal.

LETTERMAN: No, there's a new deal. Just relax.

STERN: What is he gonna do?

LETTERMAN: It's a big, big deal for a big, big guy.

STERN: If Morty can develop a show --

QUIVERS: No. There's one show already there.

STERN: The Bonnie Hunt show? That's going nowhere. Let's be honest. Dave knows that.

LETTERMAN: There's the HBO show and then also a deal, a prime time development deal, which could be very, very lucrative. (Goofing around in his radio voice) I just want to say one thing, Howard. That prime time deal could be very, very lucrative. I'm enjoying the medium of radio right now.

STERN: That was Morty bouncing on the awning on his way to the sidewalk.

(Laughter from cast)

STERN: I had my listeners call up at 6:00 o'clock this morning and get questions ready for you. The first question was we want to talk about hair. All right. My theory is you wear a little bit of a piece.

LETTERMAN: Here. Take a look.

STERN: Let me see.

LETTERMAN: Everybody come over and take a look at my hair.

STERN: Well, maybe not.

LETTERMAN: Everybody line up. Pull on it, jerk on it, lick it, touch it.

QUIVERS: I don't think that's a piece.

STERN: Well, maybe it's not.

(Letterman pulls on, jerks on and messes up his hair. In Howard Stern's small studio the camera is right on the top of Dave's head, and it is obviously Dave's own hair)

LETTERMAN: Call your friends.

QUIVERS: I'm on your side, Dave. I said there was nothing there.

LETTERMAN: You know what it is. It drives me nuts. I like to joke, because I have bad hair.

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: You wouldn't know anything about bad hair.

STERN: I have beautiful hair. I have a bad face, so there you go. We're even.

LETTERMAN: Secretariat.

STERN: But there it is. That is you. One myth gone.

LETTERMAN: But see, the thing is, honestly, if I had hair work done, if I had something like a piece or an appliance or plugs and this is how it turned out --

STERN: Yeah, right. You'd be mad.

LETTERMAN: -- wouldn't there be like the biggest lawsuit in the history of litigation?

STERN: That's true.

(Commercials)

STERN: Talk to me about the horrible incident in your life, Mrs. David Letterman, the woman who was in love with you.

Now, tell me what's going on with that. Is she still bothering you?

QUIVERS: Where is she?

LETTERMAN: I haven't heard from her in a while.

STERN: Really. So they have her under control. Somebody sedated her?

LETTERMAN: I don't know. Something has intervened. There has been an intervention.

STERN: Did you hire some goons to beat her up?

(Dave laughs)

STERN: Do you miss her? In a bizarre way, it's the biggest compliment you can have.

LETTERMAN: If I could hire goons to do that kind of thing, do you think I'd be here today? Thank you very much. Let's do some more of this.

(Dave leads a round of applause)

STERN: You'd come after me? I doubt it. You like me.

LETTERMAN: I like you. I think the world of you.

STERN: Tell me my last appearance on your show.

LETTERMAN: Strong, very strong, very strong.

STERN: I'm talking about when I came out as a woman and I did the interview.

LETTERMAN: Big, big, big, very strong.

STERN: Name someone who ever did a better appearance on your show.

LETTERMAN: I can't think of anybody. You know what I liked about that, it was very -- you did a lot of preparation.

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: A lot of preparation. You executed it flawlessly.

STERN: Thank you.

LETTERMAN: And I would have to give it, you know, it was nearly perfect seven's right across the board.

STERN: Whoa. There you go. Perfect seven's. All right, I'll take that. That's very good. Did you think Jay Leno was a big pussy when he wouldn't allow me to show the lesbian kiss?

LETTERMAN: Well, you know, I don't know what that was. I never saw what that was, so I --

STERN: You never watch his show?

LETTERMAN: No.

STERN: You've never seen it?

LETTERMAN: No.

STERN: Why? Do you feel it will mess up your delivery?

LETTERMAN: No, I don't want to be influenced by other television shows and so I --

STERN: Tell the truth. Don't you feel Jay's show is a complete clone of your show at this point?

LETTERMAN: I couldn't say. I don't know. I don't watch it.

STERN: Oh, come on.

QUIVERS: Are you and Leno still friends?

LETTERMAN: I haven't talked to Jay in quite some time.

STERN: Whose fault is that? He probably wants to talk to you, but why should you talk to him?

LETTERMAN: Yeah. I don't know.

STERN: You feel he took your job.

LETTERMAN: We'll talk one day.

STERN: Come on. Be honest about this, Dave. Be honest.

LETTERMAN: About what?

STERN: You feel Leno took your job, right?

LETTERMAN: No.

STERN: Is that why the animosity?

LETTERMAN: No, there is no animosity.

STERN: You just feel when you're competing with someone you shouldn't talk to them?

LETTERMAN: I don't know. If he wants to talk, he can call. He just hasn't called.

STERN: Oh, really?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: And you would take the call?

LETTERMAN: Oh, sure.

QUIVERS: But you won't call him?

LETTERMAN: I have nothing really to talk about.

STERN: Really?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

QUIVERS: Hmmmm.

LETTERMAN: Hmmmm.

STERN: Why when you compliment me in an article do you have to throw in Imus' name and Regis' name?

LETTERMAN: Oh, shut up. You're lucky I mention you at all. Just relax.

(Laughter from cast)

STERN: Didn't you once say that, "The only way I would call Jay Leno is when I need my car tuned"?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, I think I said that.

STERN: Didn't you say that? Is that an accurate quote?

LETTERMAN: Tuned or towed.

STERN: All right. Are you ready? Answer the first thing that comes into your mind. Teri Garr.

LETTERMAN: Can we have some hits?

STERN: No, no bits. Teri Garr.

LETTERMAN: No. Hits.

STERN: Teri Garr.

LETTERMAN: You don't play records any more?

STERN: No. What song do you like? What music are you into?

LETTERMAN: Is this the station that has no disk jockeys?

STERN: No, there is disk jockeys.

LETTERMAN: There is no actual life form here after you?

STERN: They're starting here next week.

LETTERMAN: Who are they?

STERN: Some new guy who I really can't stand.

QUIVERS: Really? You've heard of him?

LETTERMAN: I want to hear the stable of jockeys you got coming up.

STERN: Yeah, he was bad-mouthing me. Don't worry about it. His life is about to become a living hell.

LETTERMAN: That's a smart move. Jeez. He's coming to work here and he's bad-mouthing you?

STERN: Well, Gary confronted him on it.

LETTERMAN: What a hip guy. What a hip guy.

STERN: Listen to this.

QUIVERS: Who is it?

LETTERMAN: Yeah. Who is this guy?

STERN: I don't know the guy's name yet. I'm sitting there on the internet. That internet is terrific.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, I don't know how you get the internet.

STERN: It's easy.

LETTERMAN: You gotta get a web site on that. You gotta get a modem. You gotta get a ROM. You gotta get a CD.

STERN: You gotta get a modem. It's fun.

LETTERMAN: You got a get a mouse.

STERN: You gotta get a computer.

LETTERMAN: I don't know how you get on that.

STERN: It's better than sitting on the ham radio, let's put it that way.

LETTERMAN: It's not the ham radio. It's short wave radio.

STERN: Whatever. Dave is into short wave, sitting in his basement.

QUIVERS: Who are you talking to on the short wave?

STERN: Yeah. Who are you talking to?

LETTERMAN: You people work in radio. You don't know what short wave radio is?

STERN: No. That's not real radio.

LETTERMAN: You're idiots. You're all idiots.

QUIVERS: You're trying to find stations in Europe?

STERN: Come on. Admit that isn't goofy.

LETTERMAN: It's like listening to this.

QUIVERS: You're trying to find stations in Europe?

(Sounds of Morse code)

LETTERMAN: I'm getting distress signals from the Titanic. That's what I do.

STERN: Dear ladies. I think I'm talking to a guy in China.

LETTERMAN: Idiots.

STERN: I got a guy from China.

LETTERMAN: Idiots. I can't participate in this. Idiots.

QUIVERS: Howard, I think it's worse. He's just trying to get radio stations all across the world.

STERN: What's your problem, man? You know what? You need a life.

(Dave flips the bird with both hands)

LETTERMAN: I'm dealing with morons.
.
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The Howard Stern Show
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ON
March 19th & 20th 1996
.
March 20, 1996

STERN: Tell me what you do in your basement. Tell me what goes on there.

LETTERMAN: I don't have a basement.

STERN: What do you do?

LETTERMAN: I don't have a basement. If I had a basement, I'd tell 'ya. I don't have a basement.

STERN: Do you know Morse code?

LETTERMAN: I don't know Morse code.

(Annoying sounds of Morse code)

LETTERMAN: (Talking to Jackie and Fred) I'm gonna kill somebody. I can take a life, 'ya know? It's not that big a deal.

STERN: Do you have a radio? Do you have a special radio in your house that you go to?

QUIVERS: Short wave.

STERN: Where is your special short wave radio?

LETTERMAN: I have a short wave radio in my house.

STERN: What room do you leave it in?

LETTERMAN: Let's talk about your house, Howard.

STERN: Is it next to your bed?

LETTERMAN: What do you have in your house, Howard?

STERN: No, no. I asked. I'm the interviewer.

LETTERMAN: What kind of things do you have in your house? Take me now on a tour of your house.

QUIVERS: You're doing this show.

STERN: You're doing this show.

LETTERMAN: You tell us a little bit about --

STERN: You wanted to be interviewed.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, okay.

QUIVERS: We want to know about your radio.

STERN: Listen to me. Do you ever pretend like you're Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam and talk back into the radio?

LETTERMAN: Yes. What I like to do is pretend to be an astronaut.

STERN: Listen to me.

LETTERMAN: I tune in my radio and pretend I'm landing on Mars.

STERN: I'll give you an easy question.

QUIVERS: Have you ever actually tuned in the audio of TV stations on your radio?

LETTERMAN: No. You get Radio Havana, Cuba. You get Mainland China. You get the BBC.

STERN: Where did you do this?

LETTERMAN You get Radio Sweden. You get Radio Canada. You know, the best part is you get the English broadcast of Radio Moscow, and once a week they have Moscow Mail Bag.

STERN: Oh, really.

LETTERMAN: And a couple of nights ago this guy was answering letters, (imitating foreign accent) "Time now for Moscow mail bag," and the guys says, "We have a letter today from somebody in Anaheim, Californa, and they said, 'I read a few years ago that you were planning to build the world's largest tallest skyscraper. Whatever became of those plans?'" So the guy sort of like a chuckle in his voice, that bullshit radio chuckle --

QUIVERS: Woop, woop.

LETTERMAN: Hey, what happened?

STERN: Hey, man, no S-word.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, push me around. I'll do it all day. That's what you'll get. Push me around, you're gonna get more of that, all right?

QUIVERS: Sorry.

STERN: Wait a second. Where do you listen to the radio? Where do you listen to the Radio Mail Bag?

LETTERMAN: Wait a minute. I'm not done with my little story.

STERN: All right. Go ahead.

(Annoying sound of Morse code)

LETTERMAN: (talking to Jackie and Fred) Stop it. I'll kill you. You mean nothing to me. I don't need you.

STERN: Go ahead.

LETTERMAN: So the guy says, "Yes, it's true. We wanted to build the world's tallest skyscraper, but we looked around for plans and couldn't find any."

STERN: That's great.

(Laughter from cast)

LETTERMAN: Then he went on to the next letter like, "Oh, of course, but what could we do? We just couldn't find the plans."
STERN: Why did you pick Tom Snyder to follow you? Classic blunder.

LETTERMAN: I like Tom. I like Tom.

STERN: Can I tell you why it was a mistake?

LETTERMAN: It's not a mistake.

STERN: Listen to me.

LETTERMAN: Okay.

STERN: Why don't you take some advice. Never mind. You're getting your advice from Morty.

LETTERMAN: It's like talking to a dermatologist. Lotion or cream?

STERN: You finally woke up on that.

LETTERMAN: Listen to me. It should be the lotion. It's the lotion. Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.

STERN: Listen to me.

LETTERMAN: Listen to me.

STERN: When you have a guy follow you --

LETTERMAN: Right, exactly.

STERN: -- like Tom Snyder --

LETTERMAN: Like Tom Snyder, sure right, exactly.

STERN: -- like Tom Snyder --

LETTERMAN: Like Tom Snyder.

STERN: -- who is a no-talent Jack-off --

LETTERMAN: Exactly.

STERN: -- when you have a guy like that it doesn't create --

LETTERMAN: I'm sorry. Was that jack-off, Howard?

STERN: Yeah, yeah. That does not create exciting -- that is not exciting television. You take a guy who can do something
there --

LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: I was shocked that you didn't call me, not that I would have taken it.

LETTERMAN: We called. We called.

STERN: No, you didn't call about that slot. You called about a different thing.

LETTERMAN: You're lying. Please. You're breaking my heart. You're lying to me. We called.

STERN: Tom Snyder? The guy's horrible. He gets a one rating.

LETTERMAN: All right. Let me tell you something.

STERN: Go ahead.

LETTERMAN: When Tom decides that he no longer wants to spend his life in commercial broadcasting, commercial television, it's your show.

STERN: Thank you.

LETTERMAN: You can have it.

STERN: Good. I'll take it. Fine.

LETTERMAN: When Tom is finished, when Tom says, "Enough is enough, I've had my fill," then it's you.

STERN: He's Conan O'Brien, senior, for God's sake. Conan O'Brien, you really think he's a talent?

LETTERMAN: I like Conan, yeah, I do. I think they do a lot of inventive imaginative things on the show.

STERN: I don't believe that.

LETTERMAN: It's true.

STERN: I don't believe you're saying that.

LETTERMAN: It's true. I'm saying it.

STERN: All right. Are you ready?

LETTERMAN: Ready for what?

STERN: Word association.

LETTERMAN: No. We're done with the word association.

STERN: No, no, no. Here we go. Ready?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: All right. Here we go. Warran Littlefield.

LETTERMAN: Genius, a television genius, a programming giant, a visionary, a programming genius and a television giant.

STERN: Bob Morton.

LETTERMAN: Very nice man. I think the world of him.

STERN: Larry King.

LETTERMAN: I get a kick out of Larry.

QUIVERS: You're goofing on him too.

STERN: You're goofing on him. Admit it.

LETTERMAN: No, no. Larry King is not a goof, I mean --

STERN: He is.

LETTERMAN: It's not like he's getting away with anything. We all know.

QUIVERS: He thinks you like him.

LETTERMAN: I do like him.

STERN: You know what it's like? It's like making fun of a retarded man.

LETTERMAN: Oh, please.

STERN: You know what I mean? He thinks you like him.

(Letterman messes up Howard's desk)

STERN: Come on. Don't be mad. Hey, easy, easy.

LETTERMAN: Hey, I like Larry. I get a kick out of him, but he is a goof. He's accomplished many, many things in his career, and he has achieved a certain measure of respect. On the other hand, he's also a goof.

STERN: Do you admit that I have influenced the David Letterman show?

LETTERMAN: Without question. I can give you a list of things.

STERN: Richard Simmons.

LETTERMAN: Richard Simmons. That was my point exactly.

QUIVERS: I want to hear his list before you say anything.

STERN: All right. Go ahead. Where have I influenced the show?

LETTERMAN: All right. Let's start with Richard Simmons. When I was hosting the Tonight Show years and years and years ago -- we're going right back to the 70's.

STERN: Go ahead. An exciting time in your life, the first time you get to host the Tonight Show.

LETTERMAN: (Goofing around with his radio voice) I'm really enjoying my voice here on the radio this morning.

STERN: This isn't Radio Moscow. Keep it interesting.

LETTERMAN: Jesus God. Keep it interesting?

STERN: Don't zone out on me. Come on, don't zone out on me. Come on. Keep it moving.

LETTERMAN: What are you talking about, keep it interesting? Howard is in the middle of trying to be funny, ladies and gentlemen.
STERN: Do I do that on your show? Do I sit there and go blaaaaah?

LETTERMAN: No, but, you know, we got eight minutes there. Here you've got four and a half hours.

(Commercials)

STERN: How old were you when you lost your virginity? Be honest. I'm curious.

LETTERMAN: Let's see. It would have been --

STERN: 20? 18?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, right in there.

STERN: 18?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: Were you good at it?

QUIVERS: Why are you guessing? What is this, multiple choice?

LETTERMAN: Oh, yeah. I was a bandit right out of the box. I was just a bandit. You're looking at like one of the great studs of North America. That's me, pal, right there. (Letterman pounds the desk to imitate the sound of doing, you know, like IT.)

STERN: How many women in your life do you say -- who is the most famous woman you ever made love to?

LETTERMAN: So anyway In the late '70's Richard Simmons was a guest --

STERN: Did you make love to Mary Tyler Moore?

LETTERMAN: -- on the Tonight Show, and, you know, it was before Richard Simmons was really, you know, like the King of Queens, or whatever the hell he is now.

STERN: Right, and he annoyed you.

LETTERMAN: I found him annoying, and so then after that I would see him periodically at things at NBC, and he would just be screaming and annoying and irritating, and I just thought --

STERN: No reason to put him on.

LETTERMAN: I just thought I don't want this guy in my life. It's just like, you know, I can annoy myself. I can handle that. I don't need this guy.

STERN: Yeah, right, you don't need him.

LETTERMAN: And then years and years and years later I would hear him on your show, and I thought, jeez, that's brilliant. Howard's figured out a way to make this guy enjoyable. So based on that we booked him on the show.

STERN: I know, because now he won't do my show. He will only do that schtick on your show.

LETTERMAN: You hurt his feelings, Howard.

STERN: Yeah, big deal.

LETTERMAN: You won't go to the movies with him.

STERN: Yeah, yeah. That was terrible. I said he was effeminate.

LETTERMAN: Right. Try to keep it entertaining, Howard.

STERN: What else is on the list? I believe I influenced you --

QUIVERS: What else? What else is on the list?

LETTERMAN: Try to keep it entertaining here.

QUIVERS: Excuse me. I'd like to hear what he has to say.

STERN: Oh, okay.

QUIVERS: Good Lord. We finally get him here. Let him talk.

STERN: I am letting him talk.

LETTERMAN: Thank you very much.

STERN: All right. How else have I influenced the show? Please.

LETTERMAN: Oh, you know, after I used to listen to you talk to your mom --

STERN: I felt responsible for that.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, I started calling my mom on the radio -- or on the television.

QUIVERS: Did he listen to our list that he's just regurgitating?

STERN: Yeah, I think so. I think you can tell. Really, right?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, that's true.

STERN: Merrill actually felt that I had something to do with it.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, clearly, without question.

STERN: Because she said you weren't even that close with your mom.

LETTERMAN: Howard, you're a genius.

STERN: Is that true that you're not close with your mother?

LETTERMAN: Mom and I have a lovely relationship.

STERN: Really? I don't think you like your mother.

LETTERMAN: Nothing could be farther from the truth.

(Letterman gives Howard the high sign)

LETTERMAN: Wonderful woman.

STERN: Diamond is learning a lot about you today. All right, Dave, you've done well.

LETTERMAN: All right. Seriously, now what, what, what?

STERN: You have answered all our questions. I have one final question, and I'm gonna ask you. I don't mean to put you on the spot. You can tell me if I'm putting you on the spot, OK?

LETTERMAN: You're putting me on the spot.

STERN: All right. Final question.

QUIVERS: Wait a minute. Before you have a final question --

LETTERMAN: Who's gonna pay my parking? I have a question.

QUIVERS: I did read that you're, you know, now doing that schtick where you say you want to have children.

LETTERMAN: Schtick, I'm doing that schtick.

STERN: You do want to have children?

LETTERMAN: It's a bit. I'm running a bit there. Yeah, it's a bit.

STERN: Where is he doing this, Robin?

QUIVERS: He does it in interviews now.

LETTERMAN: I thought it would be hilarious to have a couple of kids.

QUIVERS: He's thinking of getting married --

LETTERMAN: It's just a bit.

QUIVERS: -- because he wants to have children.

LETTERMAN: That's right.

STERN: Is that right?

LETTERMAN: It's just a bit, just a little comedy schtick. We're doing a little skit.

STERN: Listen to me, buddy. Why would you want to have kids?

LETTERMAN: I would like to have children. You got kids. You got like six of them or something, don't you?

STERN: Yeah, that's right. Why would you want to have kids if you've got this perfect life? You like to go home. You don't want to be annoyed.

LETTERMAN: All right.

STERN: You're selfish in the sense that you're selfish of your own time.

LETTERMAN: One day I would like somebody to run the estate. That's why.

STERN: So why don't you marry this girl that you're with? She's an NBC camera woman or something?

LETTERMAN: That's right. She works the camera. She works in sports. She works a sideline camera for the NFL.

STERN: How do you meet a girl like this?

LETTERMAN: She holds the parabolic microphone on the side. You see her down by the end zone.

STERN: Was she thrilled when you --

LETTERMAN: Believe me, I have not thrilled this woman in many, many years, believe me.

STERN: You're a tough guy to live with, but how do you pick up a woman when you're David Letterman?

LETTERMAN: I don't pick up women.

STERN: Where did you meet this woman?

QUIVERS: At work.

LETTERMAN: That's right. I met her at work.

STERN: You just saw her in the commissary or something?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, in the commissary, that's exactly where it was.

STERN: No, no. How did it happen? I love romance.

LETTERMAN: She was pulling cable.

STERN: Tell me, how did you meet her?

LETTERMAN: She had her gloves on pulling cable and I was having a cheeseburger.

STERN: Come on. Why are you uptight about this?

LETTERMAN: I'm not uptight about it. What do you want to know?

STERN: Is this one of Morty's cast-offs or was this a woman you met on your own?

LETTERMAN: No, no. That's all I can do for myself.

STERN: No, Dave, be honest with me.

LETTERMAN: I'm being honest with you, Howard.

STERN: Come on. Everyone's fascinated by your personal life. You're very guarded.

LETTERMAN: You're starting to get on my nerves.

STERN: Come on. Give me one more minute.

LETTERMAN: No, no, I'm not giving you a minute. You're starting to get on my nerves. You're on borrowed time now, pal.

STERN: All right. I need you to do a scene in my movie.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, sure, pal.

STERN: I'm gonna throw it at you. Tell me what you think.

LETTERMAN: I'll be in it.

STERN: You will?

LETTERMAN: Uh-huh. Wait a minute. Tell me what the scene is. Am I naked? Is somebody farting? Is it something like that?

STERN: No. Remember the time early in my career when I came on your show?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: All right. I came on your show -- listen to me.

LETTERMAN: I'M LISTENING.

STERN: And I walked on, and it must have been one of the first appearances, and I went on and I started ragging on NBC, and you thought it was funny.

LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: You were working for NBC at the time.

LETTERMAN: Sure.

STERN: I just want to recreate that for about 20 seconds.

LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: That's all I need.

LETTERMAN: Well, sure.

STERN: You would do that?

LETTERMAN: Well, I guess. I mean, that's no scene.

STERN: No brainer?

LETTERMAN: You mean like come on the show and recreate that moment?

STERN: Yeah.

LETTERMAN: I guess. Why don't you just use the actual tape?

STERN: Because I don't look the same in that and it won't match.

LETTERMAN: You're worried that you'll look silly.

STERN: No. I'm gonna look silly, but it's a different time period that I need it for.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, sounds great.

STERN: Well, think about it. I don't want to put you on the spot.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, let's do it. It sounds great.

STERN: All right. Now, this woman, just let me understand something. You meet her at NBC, and then you're David Letterman, right?

LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: So she says --

QUIVERS: Do you send somebody out or do you do it yourself?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, that's right. I send somebody out. It's my team of goons.

STERN: You have your people.

LETTERMAN: I send out my team of goons. I have my people, exactly.

STERN: You saw her; you were attracted to her?

LETTERMAN: They sedate her. They put a little something in a handkerchief.

STERN: No. How did you make the move?

LETTERMAN: They get her limp, they bring her back to the office --

STERN: How did you make the move?

LETTERMAN: -- and the next thing you know (Letterman pounds on the desk to imitate the sound of, you know, like doing IT).

STERN: How did you make the move? How did you make the move?

LETTERMAN: There was no move. Do I look like a guy who's got any moves?

STERN: Yes.

QUIVERS: You must have something.

LETTERMAN: I have no moves. Shut up.

STERN: Yeah, but you don't need moves. You're David Letterman. You can get girls.

QUIVERS: Tell us something. Do you do it yourself or do you send someone?

STERN: Or does Diamond go pick up these --

LETTERMAN: I have a team of goons who takes care of everything.

STERN: Diamond, what's your job? Do you do everything?

LETTERMAN: Leave her alone.

STERN: I know even when Dave calls my house, you've got to make the phone call.

LETTERMAN: Leave her alone. She's not talking to you.

STERN: Why not?

LETTERMAN: We're done. We're out of here.

STERN: Are you in love with Dave?

LETTERMAN: Have the team of goons bring the car around.

STERN: Are you a married woman?

DIAMOND: Was.

STERN: Do you love Dave?

QUIVERS: Did Dave end your marriage?

LETTERMAN: Stop it. Leave her alone.

STERN: She loves Dave.

(Commercials)

STERN: This is a good story. It's romance.

LETTERMAN: What story? The story's finished.

STERN: You meet this girl at the commissary.

LETTERMAN: I don't know where we met. We met.

STERN: You won't talk about that?

LETTERMAN: I'll talk. There's nothing to talk about.

STERN: Where did you meet her?

LETTERMAN: We met somewhere in the building.

STERN: You walked up to her and said, "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman"?

LETTERMAN: Exactly. I walked up and I said, "Hello. I'm Dave Letterman."

STERN: "And I'm attracted to you. Would you go out with me?"

LETTERMAN: And the next thing you know, it was like a nine year honeymoon.

STERN: Wow.

LETTERMAN: It was just unbelievable. It was just amazing.

STERN: And you live with this woman?

QUIVERS: And now she lives in New York during the week and then she comes out to Connecticut on the weekends?

LETTERMAN: Look. Follow her, okay? Hire somebody. Follow her. Leave me alone.

STERN: You're really uptight.

LETTERMAN: I'm not uptight.

STERN: I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I heard you dated a girl from Radio Moscow.

(Dave laughs)

STERN: Anyway, listen, so David Letterman finally came in, answered all our questions. It wasn't so horrible for you.

LETTERMAN: I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it, Howard.

QUIVERS: Will you do it again?

LETTERMAN: I'll do it again.

QUIVERS: How long from now can we expect you back?

STERN: Will we ever see you again?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, I would like to come in.

STERN: All right.

LETTERMAN: Let me just say one thing. The reason, first and foremost, that I did this is because over the years -- and you and I have known each other for a long time now --

STERN: Yes, we have.

LETTERMAN: -- over the years you have done many, many nice things for me and for the show --

STERN: Thank you.

LETTERMAN: -- and it occurred to me that the only thing you have ever asked of me was to come and be on the program.

STERN: Right.

LETTERMAN: And when you had your little birthday nickel-and-dime dog-and-pony hoo-hah --

STERN: You screwed up.

LETTERMAN: -- where everybody gets balloons, or whatever that crap is --

STERN: Right. You screwed up.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, and I just thought, well, this is stupid.

STERN: I'm glad you came in. I mean, what's the big deal? We have a nice rapport, right, Diamond? What, is he gonna go back and start throwing chairs in his office or something, that he wasn't good or something?

LETTERMAN: Put on a red wig.

STERN: Yeah, I mean, what are you gonna do? I mean, that's it. Did Morty ever hit on you, Diamond?

LETTERMAN: We gotta go, Howard.

STERN: No, you gotta go, all right.

LETTERMAN: We gotta go.

STERN: So listen, thanks for coming in.

LETTERMAN: Nice to see you guys.

STERN: This was exciting.

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

QUIVERS: Are we gonna find out something wacky about Morty in a couple of years?

STERN: Oh, yeah.

LETTERMAN: What do you mean find out something wacky? What more do you need to know about Morty?

STERN: No. It's exactly what I told you.

LETTERMAN: What else wacky could there be?

STERN: You know what was wierd? Remember when you used to call me at my house, and then we stopped doing that because I would talk about it on the air?

LETTERMAN: Right.

STERN: Did that really upset you?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: It did?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, it did upset me, because, you know, it's like --

STERN: It was wrong.

LETTERMAN: -- I had things to say to you, and the next next thing you know, there's Howard being an idiot telling the world. It's stupid. You make it very difficult to be friends with.

STERN: But that's the problem with --

LETTERMAN: I would like to be your friend.

STERN: I would too.

LETTERMAN: I don't have that many friends. It would be great to have a friend like you.

STERN: You know what the problem with that is?

LETTERMAN: But then I would think, okay, I'm telling you something, and the next thing it's on the radio.

STERN: Exactly.

LETTERMAN: And I don't want it on the radio, so stop it.

STERN: You're exactly right, because I know I could promise you right now --

LETTERMAN: You must have no friends.

STERN: I have no friends.

LETTERMAN: You have no friends.

STERN: I have no friends.

LETTERMAN: Why do you have no friends?

STERN: My wife takes me home and --

LETTERMAN: Why do you have no friends? You know, I'll tell you why. You're a sociopath.

STERN: I am.

LETTERMAN: That's your problem. You're a sociopath.

QUIVERS: Who are your friends? Who are your friends?

STERN: Yeah. You have no friends either, pal.

QUIVERS: Who are your friends?

LETTERMAN: I have friends.

STERN: Yeah, right. Don't you hate hanging out with people?

LETTERMAN: I have my little pen pals from the short waver's club.

QUIVERS: The short wave people.

LETTERMAN: The little short wave club.

STERN: I'll tell you what. Do you like to gamble?

LETTERMAN: No, I don't like to gamble.

STERN: Do you like to play cards?

LETTERMAN: No, I don't like to gamble.

STERN: You don't play cards?

LETTERMAN: No, I don't play cards.

STERN: Do you do guy stuff?

LETTERMAN: Well, yeah.

STERN: Besides that dopy racing?

QUIVERS: Do you go to the ballgame or something?

LETTERMAN: Oh, racing, I like racing.

STERN: Oh, please, what the hell is that, sitting in a car?

LETTERMAN: That's for sissies. What is that, racing?

STERN: Yeah, right. What do you like to do?

LETTERMAN: 240 miles an hour, what is that? That's nothing.

STERN: Do you play blackjack?

LETTERMAN: No, I don't like to gamble. I don't find it --

DELL'ABATE: Maybe we could invite Mr. Letterman to our next Scores party.

STERN: No. He would freak.

LETTERMAN: No. That would be good.

STERN: He doesn't like girls. I mean, he's like into serious girls.

LETTERMAN: No. I would like to do that.

STERN: No. You would flip out.

LETTERMAN: Really?

STERN: You would never do it.

LETTERMAN: Would strange embarrassing things happen?

STERN: No. We all sit there. There's strippers.

LETTERMAN: Well, I understand that.

STERN: And the lights are low and we get lap dances and stuff, but you're not that kind of guy.

LETTERMAN: I don't know if I want a lap dance with you in the room, you know?

STERN: You wouldn't know I was in the room.

LETTERMAN: Because I would think that's some dynamic, you know, that you're enjoying.

STERN: So we could have been friends, but we would never have gotten together, would we have? Let's say I could keep my mouth shut.

LETTERMAN: Oh, good Lord, no, no, never.

STERN: That's what I'm saying.

LETTERMAN: Now you're delusional.

STERN: I would talk to you. I think I could keep quiet, but I don't even trust myself. My wife --

LETTERMAN: Because I want to tell you something, you know, there are things that you and I understand, experiences that we share being in broadcasting all our lives.

STERN: Yes, that's true.

LETTERMAN: Sometimes it would be nice to pick up the phone and just share those without fear of them being broadcast on the radio.

STERN: I'll give you my word.

LETTERMAN: It won't happen, and let me tell you why, sir. Let me just tell you why.

STERN: Tell my why.

LETTERMAN: You, sir, are a sociopath. That's your problem.

STERN: But it was weird for me when you would call anyway because it's like -- I don't know.

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

QUIVERS: I don't how Dave can call you so many names.

STERN: He's as sick as I am.

QUIVERS: (Unintelligible)

LETTERMAN: There's got to be a schedule. If you call Howard after sundown, some kind of an alarm goes off. The sun has set. We got a call from the Naval Observatory. You can't call Howard after the sun has set.

STERN: You're as weird as I am.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, right.

STERN: You have as many emotional problems as I have.

LETTERMAN: Right, right.

STERN: And you can't relate to people like I do.

LETTERMAN: Flattery. Thank you very much.

STERN: You've got the same problems I do, let's face it, and you know what? My wife even says to me, she says to me, "Promise you won't talk about this on the radio," and I mean it.

LETTERMAN: Right. Right.

STERN: I say, "I promise I won't."

LETTERMAN: That's right.

STERN: I swear to you I mean it. I'm sitting here. I'm looking at Robin and I go --

LETTERMAN: You don't know the difference between right and wrong. That's your problem.

STERN: Right, that's my problem. That's absolutely right.

LETTERMAN: You just don't know.

STERN: I know I don't. That's why I would never even say to you --

LETTERMAN: You are morally bereft.

STERN: Like I never could pick up the phone to Dave and say, "You know what, Dave? All our conversations are off the record. They'll never be on the air."

LETTERMAN: That's right.

STERN: I won't make that promise to you. I won't say that to you.

LETTERMAN: But here's how dumb I am. It took me like six years to realize that, because I would call Howard on a Sunday, and I can remember you said, "Go out to Dave's house. Find Dave. We want to find out what's going on." So people -- So I wake up and there's somebody on the roof with a camera.

STERN: Right, of course.

LETTERMAN: And I called up Howard and I said, "You know, Howard, it's all very funny." And then Howard said, "Oh, you know, I've had some problems myself, you know. I can't talk about it." So I'm thinking, well, here's something we understand and agree on.

STERN: We're bonding. Yeah, right.

LETTERMAN: And the thing that Howard told me about was just horrifying. It was just like -- it was just the ugliest thing I ever heard.

(Letterman indicates holding a rifle and aiming)

STERN: Yeah, right, it was bad stuff. I knew I could trust you.

LETTERMAN: Howard understands.

STERN: I knew you wouldn't tell people. That's what I like about you. That's why I like you.

LETTERMAN: And then the next day suddenly I'm an idiot because I made the mistake of calling Howard at home. "Can you believe this moron? He called me at the house."

STERN: It's good stuff. And you see, I could have had a show business friend and everything, a powerful show business
friend.

QUIVERS: But you don't want that.

LETTERMAN: It only took me six years to figure it out.

STERN: No.

QUIVERS: That's very obvious. That's why you do those things.

STERN: I don't want it. You know why?

LETTERMAN: 'Cause you're a weasel.

STERN: I would be a terrible show business --

LETTERMAN: You have no conscience. You're amoral.

QUIVERS: You said right away it would be too much pressure.

LETTERMAN: You're amoral.

STERN: It's too much pressure. I have four and a half hours a day to kill.

LETTERMAN: Exactly, sure.

STERN: I'm about to start the motion picture, Dave.

LETTERMAN: When does principal photography begin on that?

STERN: We start lensing -- Ivan Reitman is producing.

LETTERMAN: Oh, he's very good. He was involved in the Late Shift movie.

STERN: He produced that. Betty Thomas is directing.

LETTERMAN: What color hair are you gonna have, Howard?

STERN: I'm going with my own hair.

LETTERMAN: Red hair.

STERN: Betty Thomas is directing.

LETTERMAN: Oh, Betty Thomas, very nice, Betty Thomas.

(Letterman leads a round of applause)

QUIVERS: Is that your only objection, the hair, the color of the hair they chose?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, yeah, that's about it.

STERN: Otherwise it was pretty accurate?

LETTERMAN: I'm a pretty simple guy. It don't make any difference to me.

STERN: My objection is Mike Ovitz looked like God walking into the room.

LETTERMAN: Treat Williams.

STERN: Yeah, really. What's that all about?

LETTERMAN: So is this movie going to be like a blockbuster?

STERN: I believe it will.

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

STERN: I believe it's a wonderful script. I believe people --

LETTERMAN: Yeah. What's the rating gonna be on this?

STERN: Probably R.

LETTERMAN: R.

QUIVERS: Why does everybody ask you that?

STERN: Because everyone is wondering if I'm doing like a porno movie, and it's not.

QUIVERS: I don't think they sat Eddie Murphy down and said, "Well, what's the rating gonna be?"

STERN: Yeah, but everyone expects me to be doing like Butt Bongo Fiesta, but it's not.

LETTERMAN: Sure, yeah.

QUIVERS: A foreign film.

STERN: It's really a good story.

LETTERMAN: I'll bet, yeah.

QUIVERS: I'll bet.

STERN: It's a story when you call me up and then I betray you. All right. Anyway, I want to thank Dave Letterman. What do you do now?

LETTERMAN: I gotta go.

STERN: Where do you go?

LETTERMAN: I'm going back to work.

STERN: What is your schedule? What do you do? You come in early in the morning?

LETTERMAN: What did I say? What did I say? I'm going back to work.

STERN: What do you do? Are you playing bits?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, bits.

QUIVERS: Do you meet with the writers right away early in the morning?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, bits and skits, one of those bits about having a baby. We're doing a bit now about getting somebody pregnant.

STERN: How much do you still hate doing that show? You're sitting there with the same bits. You gotta do the bits every day, man.

LETTERMAN: I love it.

STERN: Don't you want to bow out?

LETTERMAN: You know, when people like you are on the show, then it makes it easy.

STERN: It's fun. We have a good time.

LETTERMAN: Have I kissed up enough to you now?

STERN: Yeah, you have.

LETTERMAN: Have I kissed your ass enough this morning, Howard?

STERN: Well, I've kissed your ass more than enough times.

LETTERMAN: And I appreciate it.

(Commercials)

QUIVERS: Does he get upset when people take the people he's created and use them?

STERN: Yes. Like when Larry Bud Melman -- this is a good creative question.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, oh, yeah.

STERN: See, I got mad at Jackie and Bababooey and all these guys.

LETTERMAN: Right. I can't stand it another day. Please, anything, I'll take any opening. Get me out of here.

QUIVERS: No, no, no. Come on. Come on.

STERN: Listen to me. I'm gonna end the interview. Jackie, Bababooey, and all them, some promoter hired them to do
a Friends of the Howard Stern show.

LETTERMAN: That stinks.

STERN: And I got crazy. You guys are gonna go out and do a lame show.

LETTERMAN: That's right, exactly.

STERN: And then everyone will hate these guys, and that will be the end of it.

LETTERMAN: Exactly. I know in the beginning we had trouble with that. They would hire this one to do that and this one to do that, and it would drive us nuts, because we couldn't control it, and then we'd think, well, wait a minute. He's representing the show and it stinks, and, you know, after -- we just don't care anymore.

STERN: Is that why Larry Bud hardly gets on the show any more?

LETTERMAN: No. Larry's on as often as people want him on the show.

STERN: He is?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

QUIVERS: Because I know those two guys are now -- they got something or whatever.

STERN: Yeah, like Hopchee and Kuhamad.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, that's right. Hopchee and Kuhamad.

STERN: Dump those guys now.

LETTERMAN: That's right, Howard, Hopchee and Kuhamad, exactly.

STERN: Explain Chris Elliott to me. I don't get it.

LETTERMAN: Very funny man.

STERN: Really?

LETTERMAN: Very, very funny man.

STERN: I don't get it.

LETTERMAN: Without question one of the funniest people I know in television today.

(Gary Dell'Abate enters the room)

LETTERMAN: Oh, now what?

STERN: What is it?

DELL'ABATE: I was adding, didn't Paul just buy the bar in front of your studio?

STERN: Who, Paul Shaffer? What's he up to?

DELL'ABATE: No, but there's a bar right in front of where the studio is, and Paul's one of the principal owners.

STERN: You should fire his ass.

LETTERMAN: Good deal.

STERN: He's overpaid.

LETTERMAN: He bought a bar. Excellent deal. There's a moneymaker.

STERN: That's what you want to be, a bartender.

LETTERMAN: That's a gold mine.

STERN: The guy's got a show business career and he wants to be a bartender.

LETTERMAN: 80 percent goes to the mob.

QUIVERS: Is he worried about something?

STERN: He's right below Morty. All right. Anyway, listen.

LETTERMAN: I've gotta go. I'm out of here. I've gotta go.

STERN: David Letterman, thank you for coming in.

LETTERMAN: Thank you, Howard. Thank you very much.

STERN: It was a lot of fun for me anyway. I don't know about you.

LETTERMAN: Nice to see you. I'll give you a call.

STERN: Give me a call. I think I can keep it under wraps.

LETTERMAN: Towards the end of this century.

STERN: David Letterman and his beautiful assistant Diamond -- Diamond, one name, like Cher.

(Letterman does a couple promos)

LETTERMAN: Hi. This is Dave Letterman. Guess what? You're listening to the Howard Stern Show.
Hi. It's me, Dave Letterman, and it's like a hostage situation, and you're listening to the Howard Stern Show.

MR. DELL'ABATE: Thank you very much.

THE END
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