Tom Paris was nervous. Very nervous. There was no reason for it, really. Yeah, right. I'm only going to talk to the Captain about the most important thing that will probably ever happen to me. Nope. No reason to be nervous. He bounced on the balls of his feet while he rode the turbolift, wishing it would both hurry up and slow down at the same time.

When he reached the door to the Captain's quarters he hesitated. He hoped it wasn't a bad time. He'd never just popped in on her before. He doubted anybody had. Even Chakotay probably contacted her over the comm first. What if she was getting dressed, or in the shower... or something incredibly, petrifyingly embarrassing. He tried not to think what that might be. Quit stalling Tom. Get a grip! She's not just the Captain, she's your friend.

He was reaching out to the door controls when he suddenly realised what that petrifyingly embarrassing scenario would be. Her and Chakotay. If she was with Chakotay... if she was with him... He couldn't imagine anything worse - and he'd always had a pretty good imagination. Granted, he wasn't even sure if their relationship was like that. But they were perfectly capable of keeping something like that a secret. Captain Janeway was capable of just about anything she set her mind to. And they were both off duty at the moment. He shouldn't risk it.

"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is in the mess hall."

He breathed a sigh of relief. Feeling slightly more confidant, now that his worst nightmare was not about to be realised, he reached out and pressed the door chime.

A few moments later, the door swished open to reveal the Captain standing just inside. She appeared mildly surprised to see him, but she stepped aside to admit him.

"Tom, come in. What can I do for you?"

It was always odd seeing her out of uniform. On duty she always seemed invincible and indestructible. Even superhuman at times. But seeing her in civvies always reminded him that she was just a normal person, really. It helped him relax... A little.

"Uh - Captain, if I'm not interrupting anything, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something. It's a request really. Kind of. Anyway, it's personal, so I didn't want to see you on duty..." he trailed off.

"Of course, Tom. Have a seat," she gestured to the couch and he sat gratefully. "Would you like something to drink?" He gave a negative reply and she sat down opposite him. "So, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well, uh, Captain..." he trailed off again, not really sure how to go about saying this. After a few seconds, he mumbled a frustrated, "Ah, to Hell with it," and came right out with it. "Captain, I want to ask B'Elanna to marry me."

He watched her reaction carefully. She was clearly shocked at first, but then a slow smile appeared, until her whole demeanour said 'I'm delighted'.

"Oh Tom, that's wonderful. I'm so pleased. I've been hoping that your relationship with B'Elanna would be successful."

She was being honest. She wasn't going to try to talk him out of it. The relief must have showed plainly on his face, because she suddenly looked disturbed.

"Did you think I wouldn't approve?"

"Well, Captain," he said, hoping he didn't put this the wrong way, not when things were looking so good, "I wasn't sure. I know there isn't any Starfleet rule or regulation against crewmembers marrying, but Voyager wasn't exactly intended to be a family ship. And it's not as if we've had any other weddings," he finished with a shrug.

She appeared thoughtful. Thoughtful was good; at least she didn't look mad.

"I suppose you're right Tom," she finally admitted with a sigh, "There isn't any clear cut procedure to follow when dealing with this type of thing. But Starfleet, in all its entirety, doesn't have the right to keep you and B'Elanna from marrying, any more than I do." She leaned forward in her chair, her elbow resting on her knees. "But I think you knew that already."

He shouldn't have been surprised at that. You couldn't get much past the Captain.

"You're right, Captain. I wasn't worried about breaking any regulations..." he hesitated as he came to the reason why he'd come here this evening. This was important. "I guess what I really wanted was... your blessing."

"Oh Tom, of course you have it. I'm so happy for you both."

He let out a heavy breath of relief, and grinned widely.

"Thankyou, Captain. That means a lot to me. But I still have to get B'Elanna to say 'yes'!"

She smiled again, fondly this time, "I'll wish you luck as well, then. But I'm sure things will turn out fine. How are you going to propose?" she asked, suddenly curious.

"We're going on shoreleave tomorrow. A picnic - just the two of us. I'm hoping the right moment will present itself."

They talked for a few more minutes, then he stood to go. After they'd said goodnight, and the Captain had told him 'good luck' again, he left her quarters. He practically floated all the way to the turbolift at the end of the corridor, feeling as if a great weight had been lifted from his chest. I guess having the Captain's good will was more important than I thought, he mused as he made his way back to his quarters.

Captain Janeway sank back onto the couch after Tom left. She was so proud of him. He had changed so much from the angry and defensive young man she'd met in the penal colony four years ago. He and B'Elanna were alike in so many respects; they'd both come a long way since arriving in the Delta Quadrant.

A wedding on Voyager. She'd always known it would happen eventually, and who better for it than Tom and B'Elanna? They both deserved as much happiness as they could find, and if they found it in each other, all the better. Their's had been the most prominent relationship on board so far. While that could be attributed to the fact that they were both senior officers, it was also because they hadn't taken pains to hide it as so many others chose to do. Well, at least not once it became clear everybody knew about it.

She sighed contentedly. A few years ago, this would have bothered her a lot. Now, it was merely a natural progression of life on Voyager. Face it, Kathryn, you're going soft in your old age, she told herself as she rose from the couch.

She moved over to her desk. It wasn't that late and she wanted to finish some things she'd put off during her shift and would have to complete now. One of the padds lying in front of her was the rotations for shoreleave tomorrow. Voyager was at present orbiting a nice, uninhabited, class M planet. The best kind if you asked her, or any member of the crew for that matter. They'd had more than enough hostile, manipulative, greedy, dangerous and warring natives to last them back to the Alpha Quadrant.

The region of space they were currently in was relatively empty, too. They were staying here for a few days to allow everyone a short holiday, safe in the knowledge that they wouldn't be attacked. She skimmed down the list absently, noting Tom and B'Elanna's names, as well as Chakotay's. She'd been down to the planet herself that afternoon for half an hour or so, and it had been nice, but she didn't intend on going down there again. She even had a whole strategy prepared in case the Doctor started badgering her about taking shoreleave. As her first line of defence she'd arranged to have tomorrow off, and she was going to spend it happily in Astrometrics with Seven - there would be nothing to do on the bridge, anyway - and the Doctor just didn't have to know about that part. In her opinion that was all the break she needed.

She was all for nature, and the untouched serenity an uninhabited planet could provide... But what would she do down there? Wonder around, do a little hiking, see some trees, rivers, flowers etc. Nothing she couldn't see on the holodecks if she wanted to, and when she wanted to.

She may, of course, go down in a few days if she felt so inclined. The senior staff would be back on duty then, and she wouldn't feel as uncomfortable about leaving the ship. But for now she was perfectly happy staying on board Voyager.

Having approved the shoreleave rotation, she tossed the padd down on top of the others, inadvertently causing a small avalanche off the side of the desk. Letting out a sigh of pure sufferance, she bent to pick them up, all the while wondering why she was even bothering to do these now when she had a whole day off tomorrow. But then she realised that two of them would need to be finished by the next morning, and three more, though not as urgent, would be better done sooner than later. Letting out another sigh, she set to work. A Captain had to be diligent.

Two minutes later when her door chimed she was instantly glad, and then mentally berated herself for such an undisciplined response. She should have been annoyed at having her work interrupted. Nevertheless, she reached her door in a surprisingly short time.

"Tuvok," she said, stepping back to let him in, "What can I do for you?"

He held out a data padd to her.

"Here is my report on tactical and security performance during the battle simulation two days ago, Captain," Tuvok said, his voice calm and steady as always.

"Thankyou," she replied, "I wasn't expecting this for another few days."

"Considering our current situation I thought it prudent to complete it as soon as possible."

"'Current situation' Tuvok? Are you concerned we might suddenly be the victims of a surprise attack?" she said, failing to keep the amusement from her voice.

"This region of space may appear devoid of any security risk. However, Voyager is most vulnerable when large numbers of the crew are away from the ship. Despite our apparent safety, it would be wise to be prepared for any eventuality."

Tuvok never failed to astound her with his pessimism.

"Well, thank you for your diligence, Commander. I suppose that's why you're head of security," she commented with a smile.

"Yes Captain," he replied dryly, raising one eyebrow.

After he left, she returned to her desk, glancing at his report then tossing it to one side. She'd deal with that one later. Much later. She picked up a rather more urgent report from Environmental, but before she could read past the first paragraph she was once again interrupted by the sound of her door chime. She let out a sigh as she rose for the third time that evening and crossed to the door.

This time, when she keyed the door open she was not at all surprised to see who was standing outside her quarters.

"Commander," she stepped back to gesture him in, "I seem to be getting all sorts of visitors this evening. What can I do for you?"

He stepped into her quarters, but didn't go in further than a few steps. He had his hands behind his back. He only did that when he was giving a dry, routine report; when she was giving him orders; and sometimes if he had to tell her something she didn't want to hear. Judging by the look on his face, she guessed it was the latter.

"Captain, actually I'm here on a mission."

She crossed her arms and pursed her lips, waiting for the bad news.

He continued when she didn't say anything. "The Doctor asked me to come speak to you -"

"No!" she interrupted him firmly, "I'm not going on shoreleave. He can't make me. I'm taking tomorrow off, and if I chose to spend it on the ship then that's my prerogative." She would have continued her protests, but then she noticed the grin her first officer was trying very hard to hide. "Something amusing, Commander?"

A chuckle escaped before he could reply. "Actually, Captain, the Doctor sent me to ask whether or not he could go on shoreleave tomorrow. It seems he wants more planetside experience..." he trailed off as he forced down more laughter, though the amused smile remained on his face.

Her own lips threatened to follow his example, but she forced her expression to a reproachful one. "You can hardly blame me, Chakotay, the Doctor usually takes every opportunity to hassle me about getting more rest, less work, and so on."

"No, I can't blame you, but I can't blame the Doctor either. You may have noticed I tend to agree with him on those matters."

"Oh, I've noticed," she replied dryly, "You can be worse than he is at times."

He shrugged, nonplussed, "Sometimes you give me reason to be. Speaking of which, why aren't you going down to the planet tomorrow?"

She suddenly realised they were still standing by the door, and gestured him over to the couch.

"You know me, Chakotay, I'm not really the outdoor type," she gave a shrug of her own as she sat beside him. "I've never really felt that need to have a planet beneath my feet that some people who work in space do."

He gave her a mildly disapproving look. "Kathryn, you know Starfleet recommends that no officer goes too long without spending some time planetside."

"I went down to the surface this afternoon."

He didn't bother replying, merely raised his eyebrows at her.

"Besides, I'm more comfortable here on the ship. Plus I'll be here if there's an emergency - it's not a good idea to have four seniors officers away from the ship at one time. Five if the Doctor goes."

"First of all Kathryn, this area of space is probably one of the safest we've been in for years. Second of all, this planet is the perfect place for shoreleave. We couldn't ask for better. There's no ion storms, plasma storms, or electromagnetic interference to disrupt communications or transporters. No aliens waiting for the opportunity to hijack Voyager. It's perfect. And you know Tuvok is perfectly capable of handling anything that happens before we can beam back; and he'll have Harry here as well. You've never had any qualms about leaving him in charge before. I can't believe you're not going to take advantage of the situation."

"Chakotay, I'm not questioning your reasoning. I'm well aware of the points you made. I just prefer to stay on the ship."

She purposefully spoke in the condescending tone she used when she thought he was being stubborn and wanted to annoy him. It worked. It always worked. His mouth tightened for a moment, and then he appeared to push the irritation aside as he tried a different tactic.

"What if I told you that I was only using the Doctor's request as an excuse to come and see you? I was actually intending to ask whether you wanted to join me tomorrow."

She rolled her eyes. "If you told me that, I'd suspect you made it up just to get me to go on shoreleave."

"No really," he assured her, "I'm beaming down to an arid area in the largest southern continent. Sensors show it to be an environment much like where I lived on Dorvan 4. It's been far too long since I was in the desert and I wanted to know if you'd come down there with me."

She was far from convinced. It sounded awful - all that sun, heat and dry air. As much as she'd probably enjoy his company, she could think of a hundred different things she'd rather be doing here on the ship. Besides, being alone with him like that was always way more trouble than it was worth.

"I don't think so, Chakotay. I really would rather stay on board Voyager."

She winced inwardly as she saw the flash of disappointment in his eyes. But then he shrugged slightly.

"Well, it was worth a try," he said with a small smile, then changed the subject. "You said you'd had other visitors tonight?"

Relieved at the new, and much safer, topic, she soon had him chuckling at her Tuvok impression. She wondered whether she should tell him about Tom's visit. Knowing Tom and B'Elanna, it would soon be common knowledge. But even if they did chose to keep it a secret, Chakotay would be discreet with the information. She wasn't sure what he would think of the situation.

"Would you like something to drink?" she asked, moving over to the replicator.

"I'll have whatever you have. As long as it's not coffee," he added.

She grinned and ordered tea instead.

"I also had a visit from Tom this evening," she said as she handed him a cup and sat down again.

"Oh?" he said, prompting her to continue.

"He told me that he's planning to ask B'Elanna to marry him," she watched his reaction, but he schooled his features carefully. She could tell he was surprised, though.

"And what did you say to him?"

"I told him I was happy for him. He wanted my approval, but I could tell he wasn't sure if he'd get it. So what do you think about it?"

He considered for a moment before replying. "We knew it was going to happen sometime. We live in such close quarters, and there are so many couples on board now, that it was only a matter of time before one of them wanted to formalise their relationship. I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner. I'm not surprised, though, that it's Tom and B'Elanna," he commented as an afterthought.

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh? You've never exactly been Tom's greatest advocate. I always wondered whether you thought B'Elanna could do better."

"Maybe at first. But it's easy to see they're happy together. And they've been good for each other, I think."

"Mmm, I agree," she said, taking a sip of the steaming liquid before placing the cup on the coffee table before her. "But, this raises a whole new issue, doesn't it?"

She stood and moved a few steps away, her eyes drifting out the window down to the planet they were orbiting. Chakotay watched her, waiting for her to continue.

"I suppose," she said finally, "That this is just the beginning. You're right when you say there are a lot of couples on board. How many are going to follow Tom and B'Elanna's example? And what if they want to start having children? If we were in the Alpha Quadrant, they could be transferred to a family ship, or to a starbase or research outpost. We don't exactly have those options out here. But what if we don't get home for another five years? Or ten? I can't ask people to put their lives on hold for such a long time. They've already lost so much."

"Kathryn," he said when she finished, "I know you're worried about this. So am I. But you know, all you have to do is look at Naomi to see that we can handle having children on board Voyager. She's well adjusted, happy... The whole crew is her family. And as for worrying about population growth, it's all in the future - if it ever comes to that at all. We may get home next month. Or next week even," she was about to protest how unlikely that seemed now, so he hastily added, "But if you like I'll start looking into our options."

"No, you're right," she conceded, finally turning from the window to face him, "There's no hurry. I guess I was overreacting slightly." She returned to sit next to him on the couch. "Even though I am happy for Tom and B'Elanna, I think it suddenly hit me just how long we've been out here."

"Four years is a long time," he commented quietly, "But think how far we've come."

"Think how far we still have to go," she countered.

Suddenly, Chakotay grinned. "And you call Tuvok pessimistic."

The sombre mood of the conversation disappeared in an instant as she smiled back.

"Certainly you don't begrudge me a little pessimism now and then. The Captain always has to keep her hopes up in front of the crew. It gets a little old after a while."

"You don't have to be the Captain with me," he said simply.

"I know," she replied, her smile softening as he reached out to squeeze her hand.

They paused for a moment like that, each aware of how much they cared for each other. But then the atmosphere changed, as it has a tendency to at times like this. Suddenly she pulled her hand away and stood up, afraid of the expression on his face, and terrified that he could see those very same emotions written in her own features.

"It's late," she said, not looking at him as he stood beside her, "I shouldn't keep you any longer."

"You're right. I know you have work to do," he replied in a resigned voice, "What do you want me to tell the Doctor?"

For a whole five seconds she had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. She stared blankly at the floor until she dragged her mind back into Captain-mode.

"Tell him I want B'Elanna to check his portable holo-emitter before he goes, and if he has even the slightest notion that something might be wrong he's to return to Voyager immediately. Oh and he should remain with other crewmembers at all times."

Chakotay nodded, appeared to hesitate, then spoke. "Are you sure you won't come with me tomorrow? You know you're more than welcome."

"No, I'm sure." She looked up at him then, knowing she owed him that at least. "Thank you for asking me, though. And for talking with me about Tom and B'Elanna. You always manage to make me feel better."

"That's my job," he told her with an easy smile as he turned to go.

After the doors had closed behind him, she automatically returned to sit behind her desk. She hadn't meant for things to get out of hand like that. But she couldn't pretend that she hadn't wanted him in that instant. His eyes hadn't been the only ones asking for more than holding hands. She sighed. It would be so easy to let it happen. So easy to give in to her emotions. But it was out of the question. She'd been denying her feelings for so long that it came naturally now. And no matter how much she might wish things were different, they simply weren't. So there was no point in even thinking about it.

Then why can't I get him out of my mind? she asked herself, frustrated.

She thought of what he was doing now, her gaze drifting to the wall that separated their quarters. He was probably getting ready for bed. Don't go there, Kathryn, she warned herself emphatically, though it didn't stop her thinking about him. She hoped he wasn't upset at being kicked out like that. She hadn't meant to freeze up that way, but didn't want to think what might have happened had she let the moment stretch on. No, better to have put a stop to it before it even began. And he wouldn't hold it against her. He'd understand; he always did. It was just all the talk of Tom and B'Elanna and families that had caused her to let her guard down.

She didn't deny that she wanted a family of her own. It was becoming increasingly important to her as time went on, though she'd always planned on having children someday. Chakotay would make a wonderful father. Don't go there either! she cautioned herself again.

She wondered, not for the first time, why he put up with her at all. She held him at arms length; opening up to him when it suited her, then closing up again when it didn't. She sent him horribly mixed signals, she knew. She couldn't imagine why he hadn't given up long ago.

"Because he loves me," she whispered to the empty room and the reports in front of her.

Well, so what? she asked herself harshly. He has to resign himself to the fact that neither of us can have what we want. And so do I.

It was a conversation she'd had with herself a dozen times. The mental berating didn't work as well as it usually did, though. She was tempted, so tempted, to go to his quarters. But she didn't move. Despite temptation, she summoned every ounce of her self control to wrench her thoughts away from her first officer. She picked up the padd nearest her hand and got back to work.

end part 1

go to part 2

send feedback

go back to voyager fanfic page

Chakotay has destroyed shuttlecraft since arriving in the Delta Quadrant.