And below that, the making of Jerome's film(s) >>>
ENJOY!!!
Location: Notty’s House
Date: 22nd-23rd July 2006
Number of Ravers: 30 and a DJ (plus one or two Emo people, but they don’t really count)
Yes, the rave of the summer had finally arrived. DJ Wittzy was getting restless – 6 months without having a proper rave is not good for a hardcore raver, but now the chance had come for the DJ to bust some moves and some beats. And for once, I was actually able to play some hardcore – probably coz host Notty had more important things to worry about than the music, ie. the state of his house, and maybe the state of Bowen… Anyway, after a slow start, DJ Wittzy soon got into his groove, raving all by himself by the stereo. I think the hardcore may have alienated most of the guests, to be honest I was in more of an ‘early 90s classic house’ mood than a ‘hardcore’ mood, but never mind. So after taking control of the stereo and resisting Holly’s attempts to try and play the Beach Boys (and to think some people claim I listen to rubbish - the cheek!) a couple of times, it was time to take a little breather, especially as I had only had a small amount of normal Coke to rave on. By this time poor Bowen had truly wrecked himself, and had collapsed down on Notty’s lawn by the apple trees in a drunken mess. He then managed to drag himself to Notty’s bed (with a little help I’m assuming) where the likes of Spenza, Beezy, Big Webby and company were trying to influence his dreams by talking about penises and many other exciting things. After this, I decided to enter the Games room, where a crucial Pro Evolution Football tournament was taking place between Big Webby, Charles, Woodsey and Karli. Soon, everyone became bored of the tournament, and as the early hours of the morning approached and the guests started to depart, I started tucking into the MTV Dance channel. Fortunately for me, the “Club Classics” section came on as I started watching, and I was able to witness such brilliant dance anthems as The Shamen – “Ebeneezer Goode”, The Bassheads – “Is There Anybody Out There”, Rebel MC & Double Trouble – “Just Keep Rockin’”, Steve “Silk” Hurley – “Jack Your Body” and Bassomatic – “Fascinating Rhythm”, but in promo video form. As if seeing those videos for the first time wasn’t orgasmic enough, I saw some more classic dance videos in the Chilled out section, like Enigma – “Sadness Part 1”, Saint Etienne – “Only Love Can Break Your Heart” and Orbital – “Halcyon”. I’m sure other people were doing much more exciting stuff as I was watching a piece of electronic music history, but it made my night – to be honest I was so addicted to the TV, that I really don’t know what was happening in the rest of the house. Anyway, by this time it was after 4am and, incredibly it was starting to get light outside. Spenza had settled down near me whilst I lay on the couch with the TV still on. After about half an hour of sleep the whole night, it was time to get up already. Well, not quite time to get up. I found out the Crystal Maze was on Challenge TV, and naturally I HAD to watch it. When we did get up, and join the others, Big Webb was discussing when he kicked his shoes off at the top of the stairs they hit Lanky in the face, who was waiting at the bottom. After a minor clean-up operation, it was time to depart the Rave scene and return home, where I slept for most of the next two days. I told you it’s not easy being a Raver. Good news is I discovered a couple of rave pictures which are below this text. Nice
Now, we all know how much of a moron Notty is? Well, I’ve given him a lot of criticism (and quite rightly and justifiably so) on my website as you all know, but there is Notty’s moronic behaviour, and then… well then there is Jerome. Now, because I haven’t written a lot about Jerome on my site (mainly due to the fact he hasn’t hosted many Raves coz his house is too small) I thought I would take this opportunity to let you all know how much of a moron he is also. But Jerome is a moron in his own special way, whereas Notty at least has an intelligent/logical mind somewhere amongst the many stupid brain cells which flow alongside in that head of his, Jerome (apart from being a good chum of mine) is just a bit of an idiot really – if you’ve seen his Homies profile, I haven’t really done him any justice in how many stupid things he’s done over the past few years.
Anyway, in the summer of 2004, Jerome came up with an idea to make a film – ie. a short 10-minute movie featuring him as the main character with a little help from myself, Notty and AK. Having been bored for most of the long summer holiday, it sounded like a good idea to keep me occupied for a while. Well, it would sound like a good idea, but when Jerome is in charge, well you know you’re making a mistake if you commit to something. So, being the well-prepared genius who thinks things through very carefully and considers all the possible consequences and drawbacks, Jerome set about filming without a budget and a script – o dear, typical Jerome relying on his “improvisation” skills..... Anyway after a few weeks the film was completed, with a budget of less than £1 – that was spent on a couple of packets of Pork Scratchings, used as a prop in the film but also an excuse for Jerome to have some food. This was one of many reasons why the film was really poor, although none of us can act (and my lack of enthusiasm was very clear, ha ha). Jerome, however, was very proud of his work and even decided to include a short “interview” at the end of the film with the director (ie. himself) basically saying that he would be more than happy to make some more films, and generally “bigging” himself up. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to be subjected to the film, you’ll know what I mean. Anyway, as if the footage itself wasn’t bad enough, Jerome then gave the film the most idiotic title – “Black Box Killed The Alien Star” – a kind of play-on-words taken from that dreadful song “Video Killed The Radio Star”, although in the film it is the classic Italian piano house anthem “Ride On Time” which kills an Alien...............yes the film is really that embarrassingly bad...... Now the only reason Jerome wanted that little bit in the film where the biggest dance tune of the ‘80s destroys the alien creature when it pumps out of the stereo in the background is to take a dig at the music I like – simple as that. Jerome seems to have this idea in his head that “Ride On Time” is my absolute favourite all-time dance song and that I love it with an obsession. It isn’t. It’s undeniably a great and historical song but that’s just one of the few songs I like which he’s heard, plus it’s quite commercial and very radio friendly. And then there’s his “Mrs Crow” impression of the infamous Loleatta Holloway sample used in the song – yes apparently her voice sounds like a crow to Notty and Jerome? I think that supports my claim that these two are complete pillocks. Well, Jerome made it crystal clear that he doesn’t like Italian piano anthems, but he did overdo it and make himself look even more stupid by trying to sing along and impersonate a crow at the same time. Another reason why Jerome decided to make the film is because he thinks it is the start of his path to glory as a Hollywood director. One day he will realise that you need talent (not stupidity) to come close to doing that. And, of course, is the female attention Jerome so desperately craves – maybe he thinks that showing the film to a few girls at college makes him a hit with the ladies? Just because they laughed at your film does not mean they thought it was any good, Jerome. For all you know, they might have been laughing at my hilarious antics.....yeh maybe not. I should just also mention the scene where Jerome climbs through the cat flap in the door – it is impossible for him to actually climb through it but we have footage where he is climbing out the other side (just to give the effect that he has squeezed through it). Rather inevitably, Jerome got his legs stuck and was in a bit of pain, which made it even funnier.
Well there you are, that was how my summer 2004 was wasted. But that was not the end of it. No. Jerome had plans for another film which was to be recorded during the extended summer holidays of 2006. I thought I’d keep this kind of ‘diary’ to show you all how much of a debacle the whole thing was.....
Day #1
Friday, 28 July 2006
The filming of Jerome’s second smash-hit blockbuster (his words not mine, obviously) begins. The theme for this – ‘a group of Duke Of Edinburgh students become lost on a trip, leading to funny consequences’ (again those are Jerome’s words not mine). The first filming takes place at Guy’s house. But even before filming we are hit by problems – Jerome hasn’t actually written a proper script for the scene, but more stupidly, Guy has forgotten that we were filming at his house and with his Gran coming over we only have an hour to film before we get kicked out. O great, the Guy-Jerome partnership is flourishing already....pair of clowns. After failure to get the female actor Jerome wanted (for no obvious reason other than to get some female attention), Guy starts throwing highlighter pens at Jerome, who squeals in his girly manner. That was the funniest thing that happened, unfortunately cameraman AK wasn’t filming it. So after Guy and Jerome argue pointlessly for 15 minutes like an old married couple, we finally go outside to start recording. The first scene is of myself, Guy and Jerome studying a map of Surrey deciding on a route for the Duke Of Edinburgh thing. It was good to see Jerome decided on a bigger budget than last time – the map we were using cost him £7.49! Anyway because of my short attention-span, I decided to look for funny names on the map. We decided to include this footage in the film, but by the time Jerome had highlighted places such as ‘Durrants Knob’ and ‘Hungry Corner’ several times, the joke was wearing thin. Jerome also wanted to include a scene where he becomes so hungry he imagines the ruler we are using to mark out a route with as a burger.......strange comparison. So we have Jerome sucking on the plastic ruler and then him with spit rolling down his lip as he shoves his KFC chicken meal in his mouth. That footage looked particularly poor as Jerome couldn’t even dribble properly and we were laughing too much as his lunch fell apart. Because of Guy’s poor memory, it was now time for us to leave, having gathered ten minutes of footage. We attempted to continue recording down the Lye but the battery on AK’s camera ran out. So for the next 20 minutes we listened to Jerome complain about how he was finding loads of holes and rips in his recently-purchased trousers – that was hilarious. Maybe they are meant to be like that, Jerome? After that, with no chance of any more filming, we went out for a random cruise in leafy Surrey.
Day #2
Tuesday, 1 August 2006
The second day of filming didn’t get off to a good start either. Jerome was over 45 minutes late in picking me up – it is normal for him to be 15 minutes late in arriving but he got the agreed time wrong because he is a fool. So as we drove all the way to Cranleigh our filming time was rapidly cut down. It was apparently my fault we could only film for a couple of hours maximum due to the fact I had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon, yet strangely enough it was nothing to do with Jerome showing up late to pick everyone up.......a rather abnormal theory you have there, Jerome. Anyway, when we eventually set up filming in the woods, Jerome was being over-fussy with the shot of us walking into the woods. A simple walk, no acting involved, and he wanted 3 takes. Then we actually had to start acting – Jerome had actually drafted a script for us, but typically it was poorly spelt and the grammar was bad. Jerome’s first line was a pun (of course he wanted the role of funnyman/comedian). I did my best to sabotage the scene by making ‘obscene’ gestures behind Jerome’s head as we walked towards the camera. Jerome kept looking into the camera lens on one shot so we did it again. And again. And again. And again, this time from a different camera angle. And again, this time from yet another different camera angle. And we did it again, because Guy and I were in the wrong positions or something like that.... Then me and Guy were told to wait and stand in a particular spot, and were required to stand there whilst Jerome was busy trying to direct another scene a few metres away. Finally, Guy and myself were required to do something – Jerome was running towards us and we had to look mad, not too difficult as Jerome’s stupidity and poor organisation skills had already annoyed us slightly. Anyway, this simple scene required about 5 takes before the director was happy – moron. Soon came the fight scene, but we could only film a couple of takes as time was running out. Another tiresome day’s filming, but that’s what you get with Jezza.
Day #3
Monday, 7 August 2006
Poor Woodsey was dragged along as the fight scene took centre stage. I bet that was a decision he regrets. Anyway, we returned to the woods in Cranleigh, and continued where we left off last time. Woodsey’s role was to be one of the gangstas (yes the theme of Duke Of Edinburgh students has slightly moved towards Kung-fu in true Jerome style....), which was quite funny as Woodsey in his calm and gentle manner really doesn’t look like someone in shades and suit carrying a big, dirty spade over his shoulder! So, the long, tediously repetitive fight scene was in full swing, but as usual Jerome the director wasn’t happy with just one take, which wasted a lot of time. Seeing as the battery on AK’s camera was again running low, this wasn’t a smart thing to do, redoing the same scenes. Then eventually came the scene where I get knocked out (fear not DJ fans, DJ Wittzy lives on) by Woodsey, whilst Jerome eats some crisps in the background. But we slightly altered the scene so that as I fall backwards after being punched in the gut by Woodsey, I take a swing at him, miss, and hit Jerome who falls backwards off his chair, with the crisps pouring out all over him. We had to do several trial runs so Jerome could fall backwards off his chair properly, which he typically made hard work of. We finally did a good take of the scene, and as a bonus Jerome screamed like a girl when he fell backwards off his chair. Unfortunately by now, he had eaten his huge pack of crisps so when we did get a close-up on him falling over only a few crumbs fell on him. Next, we tried to film Guy doing a high-kick on one of the gangstas. This was a struggle – ten takes before we had to move on. Guy had become very bored by now and during other people’s scenes was walking around the woods aimlessly, probably hunting for food, and repeatedly swung a wooden stick in the direction of Jerome’s head (who can blame him?), not to forget scattering dead leaves on Jerome’s head as he was reading his script (ha ha). Unfortunately, the battery ran out before we could finish filming, and despite Jerome’s don’t-take-no-for-an-answer determination to get the scene finished we had to return home. Well, we stopped off at Guy’s house to see what we had filmed so far, and it was a good 30 minutes or so of footage – mainly outtakes. As if these weren’t funny enough, Guy was busy choking on his dinner as we watched the film.
Day #4
Thursday, 10 August 2006
Woodsey (wisely) pulled out of filming the night before – probably because trying to film any scene last time was such a hassle with Jerome directing. So it was just the four of us who made our way to the woods in Cranleigh. Again, Jerome was over-fussy with the footage taken, and as the never-ending fight scene continued for nearly two hours, myself, Guy and AK were getting very bored. And even in that two-hour period only about a minute of footage was recorded, and probably a minute of outtakes as well – this included Jerome practising falling backwards off his chair, and claiming how painful it was when he fell, probably coz he fell incorrectly and landed on his neck and then rolled over on it. We finally recorded this scene where Jerome’s crisps fall all over him as he tumbles backwards off the chair. The take was good, but then Jerome decided to eat some of the crisps which had fallen onto the dirty ground......silly fool. Because we all thought Jerome was overreacting when he said he was in agony after falling off the chair, Guy decided to fall off it just to see if he really was faking it. So, Guy fell backwards, and also hurt himself slightly – moron. But it did improve the outtakes section. AK, meanwhile, decided to film the random passers-by who walked by in the background and managed to catch a glimpse of a nice blonde young lady, which Jerome then insisted we pause the footage at exactly the right place to try and get a good look at her face – desperate or what, not to mention the fact that he wouldn’t stop talking about AK’s sister....pillock. Anyway, when we were finally required to do something, ie. lying down on the ground as we ‘regain consciousness’, this gave us a perfect opportunity to pour a big pile of dead leaves over Jerome. Even better, AK recorded it. After nearly three hours, it was time to complete the final scenes in the woods – Guy, me and Jerome walking away from the camera shot and out into the open field nearby. Jerome became over-excited as usual, and told me to try and trip Guy up. Guy, being a smart, intelligent young man (not) responded by clouting Jerome round the face with the purple mat he was carrying – brilliant right-arm hook there, Guy. So, after another painful three hours filming we returned to Guy’s house to watch the footage. Whilst setting up the camera to the TV, AK managed to knock over the lamp and phone (ha ha!), luckily he didn’t break anything. And in the kitchen, meanwhile, Jerome had somehow burnt the plastic wrapping from the chips onto the casserole dish when putting them in the oven....... Luckily, Jerome is off on holiday and only comes back when I leave for my own holiday, so there won’t be any more filming for a while, which means no hassle and arguing and moronic behaviour.
Day #5
Friday, 8 September 2006
After a considerable break from filming (which we all very much needed), Jerome drove us to somewhere no-one (apart from him and Guy) had heard of. Anyway, Woodsey had decided to try and bear a painful 3-hour filming session, along with myself and AK. The first thing Jerome the director wanted done was a shot of the four of us walking over the peak of the steep hill. Luckily for everyone concerned, he was happy with just the one take on this occasion. Whilst Jerome was giving everyone a pep-talk on what he wanted done, Woodsey spotted some berries growing on the nearby tree and suggested Jerome (who was typically hungry by now) eat some. Sadly, Jerome wasn’t dumb enough to eat them, but as Guy’s back was turned, he did throw the berries at Guy, which inevitably provoked an aggressive response – Guy managed to smudge the berries on the back of Jerome’s T-shirt and his neck whilst he had Jezza in a headlock, and also caused him to have a noisy sneezing fit, which AK managed to record. After barely 10 minutes of filming (or rather messing around and arguing) Jerome decided it was time to have a break, have some Hobnobs and give us another briefing. Guy chose this opportunity to try and show off his party trick – trying to flip onto his feet whilst on his back.....yes he is really that talented (if you can call that a ‘talent’ – which I don’t think you can.....). Unfortunately for Guy, he failed to successfully perform the trick and just ended up looking like a piece of fruitcake. Maybe he should have realised before hand that the trick would be even more difficult to perform when on a hill...... So after that disaster, Guy did his “worm” trick, and promptly fell on his knees.....o dear. So we continued filming as we entered the woods, where Jerome chose to talk about AK’s sister yet again.....(bloody moron, not as if he has a one-in-a-billion chance anyway). Now we came to the scene where Woodsey was to be ‘killed off’. His ‘death’ was Guy’s fault – we have several scenes where Guy is digging up a small piece of earth with his penknife and sniffing it (still not quite sure why.....) – so anyway Guy is doing his digging again but gets the knife stuck in the earth. In his frustration of being hopelessly lost in the woods with Jerome and stuck with him, Guy carelessly pulls out the knife which flies through the air and lodges itself in Woodsey’s neck, causing him to slowly fall to the ground. To make the wound in Woodsey’s neck look ‘bloody’, Jerome thoughtfully decided to burst some black berries on his neck......it is fair to say they didn’t look anything like blood, not that you could see the stain they made, and it just annoyed Woodsey. So we now had the scene where Jerome unnessecarily pokes Woodsey with a stick, asking on numerous occasions “Is he dead?”. That was definitely the quote of the day, rather like the stupid “Is it food?” quote which had caused so much laughter. From the look on Woodsey’s face, you could tell that Jerome was getting carried away with the stick-poking. That just about concluded the day’s filming and we went back to Guy’s house to watch our work on the TV.
Well, that was almost it. We did one more filming session in the woods at Ripley, the third woods we had recorded in no less(!) which saw Jerome, myself and Guy tripping over some logs, climbing through spiders' webs, yet more "fighting" (don't worry it was only play-fighting) between Jerome and Guy, some tree-climbing, Guy humping a tree, Jerome trying to learn the basics of diabetes, and a few sexual references along the way, too. After some late-night editting round Guy's house and some in-depth interviews with the cast members (and a silly, pointless one-minute filming session on the green outside Guy's house at 4am), the film was complete ready for the unveiling on the 14th September. Other than the main four crew members (myself, AK, Jerome and Guy), Woodsey had the (mis)fortune of being the first one to see the film in its entirety. To be honest, the film - whilst obviously having many flaws because it is one of Jerome's films - was a billion times better than the first one he did two years previously. Not that it was hard to beat the quality of the first film (especially when you try and criticise Italo-house music. Let's not forget what the team behind Black Box and Starlight did for house music). Anyway, thankfully there will be no more hassle and poor organisation I will have to put up with now the film has been done. Just to emphasize this, Jerome was 40 minutes late to pick me up on not just one occasion, no he was late by 40 minutes TWICE in one bloody day!! He kept me waiting for 80 minutes that day, not to mention each and every time we did some filming and he was late to pick me up.............
