The answer is an indirect one. Work on the relationship. There has been damage to the relationship and it needs repair.

How do we repair a relationship? The general description that follows is relevant for marriage partners, as well.

A Mother of five children came to see me. Four are fine, but one is difficult. Eight years old, he functions well at school and with friends but not at home. First, the Mother (or Dad) lost her patience. Then she felt angry and irritable. Next, she distanced herself from him. She dreads the after school hours. She dislikes him. Since his behavior has caused her so much misery, the question seems to be: How can she get him to behave better?

That is the wrong question. The right one is, how to mend the breach that occurred in the relationship. How to get close. How to change her feelings about her child.

So long as she feels this alienated, she can not succeed with him. He needs his mother's love and it is blocked. She needs to rekindle her love for him in order to give to him in appropriate ways.

To mend the relationship, I might start with these two ideas:

1.Is the parent responding to the child or to something else or someone else when s/he gets so irritated.
We call this remote determinants. It goes like this: A four year old spills milk. The parent REACTS. S/he says, oops (I hope that's what she says) and hands the towel to the child and encourages him to clean up. The parent is REACTING in proportion to the act. But, if when the child spills the milk, the parent GOES BALLISTIC, then something ELSE is driving his or her behavior, something more than spilled milk. The causes or determinants of his or her response are not to be found in the moment. Then s/he is OVER REACTING. And we need to find remote (not immediate) determinants.

In psychotherapy, patients explore remote determinants. Example: If the parent goes ballistic because she was harshly criticized when she was a child, or the parent goes ballistic because the child reminds him of his spouse, or of a difficult boss, then these "crossovers" have to be unraveled. It's part of parent's job to grow up and get clarity. It may not require therapy to get the necessary clarity to parent in the present tense; to parent according to what the child needs and NOT according to over reactions. But if it requires therapy, strong parents go for it.

Working out the over reactions, is the first step in repairing the relationship. The relationship simply cannot carry the weight of all that old baggage. Staggering under all that weight, the relationship is AT RISK.

2 Woo yourself and the child back.
What will it take to woo yourself? If you have lost your feeling of love and connection, you will need to find a way to be with the child (or spouse) in a situation that does not reproduce the difficult behaviors. Take a child for a ride or an outing to a place that is pleasurable for you both. Choose carefully. Create an environment in which he is likely to be happy and therefore charming. Licking an ice cream cone, for instance, The sense of pleasure that begins between you, the relaxation and absence of anger and the absence of your need to discipline will give your relationship a huge boost.

Just as it took time to injure a relationship, it will take time to repair one. Relationship is 99% of success. Techniques are just 1%. If you have relationship, it as if you have money in the bank when you must demand results. If your bank balance is in minus, you are in trouble. In the extreme case, the child has ceased to listen. You hate being with him or her. How can demand or expect anything? With what leverage will you influence him or her?

We have observed this phenomenon many times in the MASK group. A kid at risk has many problems, but is so much better off if he is a good relationship with the parents. That is, s/he is still talking and listening, they are still present with him or with her. Even though s/he is in trouble, the relationship is still one of his or her strengths, on some level it is still working for him. He finds his way back so much more readily.

In some more extreme cases, I suggest the parent write letters to the child. In the letter, woo yourself and your child back to relationship.

 

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Links and Dr. Belsky's articles:
MASK
Introduction to Retorno 2003
Stages of Recovery in a MASK group
MASK Parents at Work