Why? Because they need to grow up, not down.

They will resent our "moving in" on them. True, they are in pain but NO, they do not want to relinquish their independence. Healthy development demands that they become independent. Unhealthy development means we live and breathe their issues and grieve (and grieve) when they reject our attention. This is toxic parenting. And it is dysfunctional.

We used the example of the child who breaks an arm. If the parent feels the pain TOO much, s/he becomes powerless to help.

Use the MASK meetings to diffuse tendencies to over involvement. LISTEN to the reactions of your co-MASKITES. They are the source of valuable feedback.

Part of being an effective parent is knowing how and when to let go. When we honor our children's pain, we honor their personhood. They have a right to their pain.

Kids in Pain Need Healthy role models to rely upon. They need to see parents working on their marriage. They need to know that as they get near the age of leaving home, Mom and Dad won't fall apart. Mom and Dad are INTERESTED in each other. They look forward to the children's independence. We have to grow up and alter old patterns when they are dysfunctional. After all, isn't that expected of them?

When kids begin prolonged and aggravated shenanigans at the age of 17-20, I always find out about 2 things

a. parental over involvement. Example. A patient of mine who was 20, and who was struggling to grow up brought his mother to the session. As they were leaving, the mother asked for a glass of water. It turned out the water was for her son so he could take his vitamins (herbs or meds) immediately. The young man was humiliated. What is the message of the parent? As she nags the young adult, she is saying: You can't manage without me.

b. What is the state of the union? Why is the child afraid to move on and out? Who is she growing down for? Whose marriage is the child trying to save? Why does s/he perceive independence as so threatening?

Some of the answers are in the child's history.
Some are in the family's
Let the child work on his or her issues. If they "insult" us in the process, minimize your reactions. They are here to work their way out of the pain. They are not in a graceful state, in charge of how delicately they say things. If they blame you, accept it as a legitimate feeling that may or may not last.

Allow them space. Then establish good parental boundaries. Work on the marital team work. Remember romance?
 

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Links and Dr. Belsky's articles:
MASK
Introduction to Retorno 2003
Stages of Recovery in a MASK group
MASK Parents at Work