Prayer and the Art of Communication

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Prayer and the Art of Communication

Judy Belsky, PhD
Clinical Psychologist Private Practice
Clinical Supervisor Lman Achai, Ramat Bet Shemesh

I
The most exalted level of communication is the one that connects us to Hashem. Prayer is an open current between us and the Source.
The first reference to prayer is contained in the pasuk; Vayetzey Yitzchok lasuach basadeh." The word lasuach, to meditate, may be traced to "sichim" which refers to trees and plants. Thus Yitzchok's meditation and the tradition we gained from him may be seen as a process of inner growth of feelings and spirit. (Rav Hirsch).
Lehitpalel is in the reflexive case; that is, one in which the subject acts upon himself. In the act of prayer we remove ourselves from the usual framework of time, place and routine. The removal of oneself from routine permits clarity, probing and honesty. Self reflection, is the reflexive act of prayer.
To pray, lehitpalel may also imply "pilel" which means to judge or clarify. In a legal sense, pilel means to sift the evidence in order to render a clarified judgment. To pray, to "Know before Whom we stand" is an act that helps us clarify our actions. Tefila is so potent and nurturing to the spirit that one can come to see a reversal in the figure and ground. Time spent in lesser activities could be viewed as the pauses between tefila. When we feel this way, our soul is in charge, relegating the priorities.
Prayer is the language of the neshoma. The following tale illustrates this point:
Once upon a time there was a poor shepherd boy, so poor he could not read and did not know the way to pray. He was without the tools with which we create praise of G-d. But because he yearned to praise he created a simple song. Into his song he poured the entirety of his deep-felt need to communicate with Hashem. It is said that his song opened wide the gates of heaven, wider than even the prayers of the righteous.
This tale is instructive on the essence of tefila. Before Hashem, and especially in our day bereft as we are of the Bais Hamikdash revelation of the Shechina, we are each the impoverished shepherd boy. We are humble, we acknowledge that our tools are weak, that what little knowledge we possess is insufficient to the sacred encounter. Before the King of Kings our words fail us. We begin by nullifying ourselves. Then like the shepherd boy, our yearning releases us from silence. With our yearning we create a song. It is only this yearning that is enough. What flows forth is an outpouring of the person. The person makes of himself a vessel for prayer. Prayer is formed around the structure of words hallowed by the rabbis but the essence of prayer is an outpouring not of words but of self.

II
If tefila is the highest form of communication, what of interpersonal communication? If the direction of prayer is vertical, "Bain adom lmakom", what of the horizontal, human communication, "bein adom lechavero"?
Torah teaches us to seek opportunities for sanctity even in activities usually seen as mundane, eating, drinking, resting. Virtually no human activity is outside the domain of spiritual potentiality. What is the mitzvah potential in our daily communication? And, if prayer is the vehicle to our relationship to Hashem, can interpersonal communication be viewed as a vehicle for the enhancement of the Torah and the enhancement of the Divine Image, Zelem Elokim?
From prayer we learn that the ultimate communication begins with self-negation, a nullification of ego as we stand in the Awesome presence of Hashem. The parallel in interpersonal relationships is that when we address another person we are addressing the Divine Image in them. A proper appreciation of the stature of mankind delivers to us a appropriate sense of kavod for fellow Jew. When we are attuned to the higher nature of the other person, falling silent, releasing our self-absorption, and listening take on something of the devotion we learn from prayer. Listening too is a form of "avodah" or service as illustrated by this tale of the Rebbe of Talna:
The shammes says to the rebbe: Something confuses me. At the end of each day you are completely exhausted. You perspire as profusely as a someone engaged in heavy physical labor. But all you did all day was listen to people. And the rebbe replies: When a Jew comes to me and tells me their problem, in order to truly understand how they feel, I must take off my clothing, as it were, and put on theirs. Now, in wearing their garments I am able to sense more fully their viewpoint and their pain but now I feel as powerless as they do. So, now in order to gain some objectivity I must remove their garments and get back into mine. Now you can see that with all this dressing and undressing, how it is that I am so tired at the end of the day.
To fully sense the perspective of another, we have to remove certain garments. All these have to do with the ego or "I" that intervene between us. In order to assume the stance in which I assume your importance, I must suspend myself, my needs, my judgments and interpretations. In silence and then in words that convey confirmation we may begin a meaningful encounter.
When we receive confirmation we may find the strength and courage to solve our own problems or to risk a new level.
But communication is often a thinly veiled series of judgments. With our children with our spouses with friends and with our students we may find that we are listening in order to criticize and judge. It is easier to offer ready-made interpretations than it is to listen in order to understand the person. Judgments may lead to self-doubt but confirmation leads to growth.
Two areas of communication which need strengthening are at school and at home. It is challenging but imperative to rethink the automatic judgmental response and turn it into a helpful remark.
And, we must give serious consideration to the halachos involved in the shaming of a child in front of others.
At home, the fast pace of life has had a serious impact on healthy communication. At times whole families are reduced to communicating in signals, something like quarterbacks on the football field. It's quick and expedient, but crude. It is here that the child learns from a sensitivities of kavod habrios.
In order to live out the Torah's injunction to honor and love one another we need to develop the language that permits the fulfillment of relationships as the Torah intended them.
Considered from this viewpoint, our interactions are crucial aids in empowering the growth of the mentsch in each of us.

III
I recall a friend and her journey into Torah Judaism. She tended to take one step at a time. As she took on another mitzvah she would tell me; You know I've just begun to this, I'm not ready to do that. I found myself so impressed with her progress, with her courage to change that it was easy to confirm her progress and accept her rate of change. Then, she would forge ahead with another mitzvah until four years ago she became completely observant.
At this point she wrote me a letter "...You must have noticed that although I was keeping Shabbos, kashruth and mikveh that I didn't pray on a regular basis. One day you said 'for someone so religious, I might think you would pray as diligently as you do everything else.' I offered my usual line of defense, I was not ready. You said your famous one liner, 'Okay.' Then soon after, I realized I wasn't sacred and didn't need a line of defense. You came to my office on my lunch hour to mark the prayers in my siddur. All this you know. What I am writing to add is that since that day prayer is not an addition to my mitzvah observance. It is the axis point of my life."
With this example, the circle is complete. The primary relationship is person-to-G-d. The essential communication for that relationship is prayer. From the stillness of prayer from the hallowed relationship we bring down to one another a sense of the sacred encounter. A sense of the appreciation of the vast neshoma in each Jew. From this inspiration we create a language that is consistent with the Torah's view of relationship. A language that is based in respect, in love and in appreciation. It is designed to permit and not impede the growth of the other person. A language that is as selfless as it can be. One that avoids as much as possible the intrusion of the ego. Relationship becomes a vehicle for the enhancement of the Divine Image in each other. When we perfect our person-to-person relationships, when we utilize our relationships to facilitate and release the Mentsch in the other person, this in turn strengthens the other in his or her primary relationship, person-to-Hashem. Thus we stand at the intersect between Adom L'Makom and adom l'chavero.

Back to the Article Page
Links and Dr. Belsky's articles:
MASK
Introduction to Retorno 2003
Stages of Recovery in a MASK group
MASK Parents at Work

Prayer and the Art of Communication Judy Belsky, PhD Clinical Psychologist Private Practice Clinical Supervisor Lman Achai, Ramat Bet Shemesh

		I The most exalted level of communication is the one that connects us to Hashem. Prayer is an open current between us and the Source. The first reference to prayer is contained in the pasuk; Vayetzey Yitzchok lasuach basadeh." The word lasuach, to meditate, may be traced to "sichim" which refers to trees and plants. Thus Yitzchok's meditation and the tradition we gained from him may be seen as a process of inner growth of feelings and spirit. (Rav Hirsch). Lehitpalel is in the reflexive case; that is, one in which the subject acts upon himself. In the act of prayer we remove ourselves from the usual framework of time, place and routine. The removal of oneself from routine permits clarity, probing and honesty. Self reflection, is the reflexive act of prayer. To pray, lehitpalel may also imply "pilel" which means to judge or clarify. In a legal sense, pilel means to sift the evidence in order to render a clarified judgment. To pray, to "Know before Whom we stand" is an act that helps us clarify our actions. Tefila is so potent and nurturing to the spirit that one can come to see a reversal in the figure and ground. Time spent in lesser activities could be viewed as the pauses between tefila. When we feel this way, our soul is in charge, relegating the priorities. Prayer is the language of the neshoma. The following tale illustrates this point: Once upon a time there was a poor shepherd boy, so poor he could not read and did not know the way to pray. He was without the tools with which we create praise of G-d. But because he yearned to praise he created a simple song. Into his song he poured the entirety of his deep-felt need to communicate with Hashem. It is said that his song opened wide the gates of heaven, wider than even the prayers of the righteous. This tale is instructive on the essence of tefila. Before Hashem, and especially in our day bereft as we are of the Bais Hamikdash revelation of the Shechina, we are each the impoverished shepherd boy. We are humble, we acknowledge that our tools are weak, that what little knowledge we possess is insufficient to the sacred encounter. Before the King of Kings our words fail us. We begin by nullifying ourselves. Then like the shepherd boy, our yearning releases us from silence. With our yearning we create a song. It is only this yearning that is enough. What flows forth is an outpouring of the person. The person makes of himself a vessel for prayer. Prayer is formed around the structure of words hallowed by the rabbis but the essence of prayer is an outpouring not of words but of self. II If tefila is the highest form of communication, what of interpersonal communication? If the direction of prayer is vertical, "Bain adom lmakom", what of the horizontal, human communication, "bein adom lechavero"? Torah teaches us to seek opportunities for sanctity even in activities usually seen as mundane, eating, drinking, resting. Virtually no human activity is outside the domain of spiritual potentiality. What is the mitzvah potential in our daily communication? And, if prayer is the vehicle to our relationship to Hashem, can interpersonal communication be viewed as a vehicle for the enhancement of the Torah and the enhancement of the Divine Image, Zelem Elokim? From prayer we learn that the ultimate communication begins with self-negation, a nullification of ego as we stand in the Awesome presence of Hashem. The parallel in interpersonal relationships is that when we address another person we are addressing the Divine Image in them. A proper appreciation of the stature of mankind delivers to us a appropriate sense of kavod for fellow Jew. When we are attuned to the higher nature of the other person, falling silent, releasing our self-absorption, and listening take on something of the devotion we learn from prayer. Listening too is a form of "avodah" or service as illustrated by this tale of the Rebbe of Talna: The shammes says to the rebbe: Something confuses me. At the end of each day you are completely exhausted. You perspire as profusely as a someone engaged in heavy physical labor. But all you did all day was listen to people. And the rebbe replies: When a Jew comes to me and tells me their problem, in order to truly understand how they feel, I must take off my clothing, as it were, and put on theirs. Now, in wearing their garments I am able to sense more fully their viewpoint and their pain but now I feel as powerless as they do. So, now in order to gain some objectivity I must remove their garments and get back into mine. Now you can see that with all this dressing and undressing, how it is that I am so tired at the end of the day. To fully sense the perspective of another, we have to remove certain garments. All these have to do with the ego or "I" that intervene between us. In order to assume the stance in which I assume your importance, I must suspend myself, my needs, my judgments and interpretations. In silence and then in words that convey confirmation we may begin a meaningful encounter. When we receive confirmation we may find the strength and courage to solve our own problems or to risk a new level. But communication is often a thinly veiled series of judgments. With our children with our spouses with friends and with our students we may find that we are listening in order to criticize and judge. It is easier to offer ready-made interpretations than it is to listen in order to understand the person. Judgments may lead to self-doubt but confirmation leads to growth. Two areas of communication which need strengthening are at school and at home. It is challenging but imperative to rethink the automatic judgmental response and turn it into a helpful remark. And, we must give serious consideration to the halachos involved in the shaming of a child in front of others. At home, the fast pace of life has had a serious impact on healthy communication. At times whole families are reduced to communicating in signals, something like quarterbacks on the football field. It's quick and expedient, but crude. It is here that the child learns from a sensitivities of kavod habrios. In order to live out the Torah's injunction to honor and love one another we need to develop the language that permits the fulfillment of relationships as the Torah intended them. Considered from this viewpoint, our interactions are crucial aids in empowering the growth of the mentsch in each of us. III I recall a friend and her journey into Torah Judaism. She tended to take one step at a time. As she took on another mitzvah she would tell me; You know I've just begun to this, I'm not ready to do that. I found myself so impressed with her progress, with her courage to change that it was easy to confirm her progress and accept her rate of change. Then, she would forge ahead with another mitzvah until four years ago she became completely observant. At this point she wrote me a letter "...You must have noticed that although I was keeping Shabbos, kashruth and mikveh that I didn't pray on a regular basis. One day you said 'for someone so religious, I might think you would pray as diligently as you do everything else.' I offered my usual line of defense, I was not ready. You said your famous one liner, 'Okay.' Then soon after, I realized I wasn't sacred and didn't need a line of defense. You came to my office on my lunch hour to mark the prayers in my siddur. All this you know. What I am writing to add is that since that day prayer is not an addition to my mitzvah observance. It is the axis point of my life." With this example, the circle is complete. The primary relationship is person-to-G-d. The essential communication for that relationship is prayer. From the stillness of prayer from the hallowed relationship we bring down to one another a sense of the sacred encounter. A sense of the appreciation of the vast neshoma in each Jew. From this inspiration we create a language that is consistent with the Torah's view of relationship. A language that is based in respect, in love and in appreciation. It is designed to permit and not impede the growth of the other person. A language that is as selfless as it can be. One that avoids as much as possible the intrusion of the ego. Relationship becomes a vehicle for the enhancement of the Divine Image in each other. When we perfect our person-to-person relationships, when we utilize our relationships to facilitate and release the Mentsch in the other person, this in turn strengthens the other in his or her primary relationship, person-to-Hashem. Thus we stand at the intersect between Adom L'Makom and adom l'chavero. Back to the Article Page Links and Dr. Belsky's articles: MASK Introduction to Retorno 2003 Stages of Recovery in a MASK group MASK Parents at Work