"The Cantaloupe Kid"
Written and experienced by Draca
Drawn by Electra
Yes, this actually happened to me. And could have happened to Drake. Definetly.
* * * * * * * *
I think I knew that my college experience was going to be okay after this happened. Or, at the very least, quite interesting.
Part of being a freshman at my college of choice required me taking a few classes that I could do without. One such was known as EO, or Extended Orienation. Students are supposed to talk about life issues and such; naturally, the class is spent being bored and looking impatiently down at their watches. It is taught by a senior, and this does not help keep anyone's attention. For me, this class was not a particularly interesting ordeal.
Except for this day.
I was in the middle of one such EO meeting; probably our second or third meeting of the semester. We were having a pointless conversation about studying for tests or roommate problems or something equally fascinating; I don’t really remember. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention----although, in all fairness, neither was anyone else, including our student instructor, who isn’t the most attentive guy for the job in the first place.
I look up from where I am drawing a picture of Darkwing Duck standing by his city in my notebook and catch sight of a kid, possibly a freshman, tall and lanky with big eyes, walking through the room. Since we have our meetings in the Tussey and Terrace dorm lounges, this was not particularly shocking.
But I do a double take and look back up, surprised. The kid is carrying a long, serrated steak knife in his hand.
Now, in my opinion, seeing a student parading around with a long, serrated steak knife is cause for concern. I look around the chairs and couches at the faces of my fellow EO-sufferers, hoping to make eye contact with an expression that said, Yeah, what’s with this guy and what’s going on here?
No one notices. They are all equally occupied in drawing cartoon characters in their notebooks or counting ceiling tiles or answering, “Uh-huh,” and “Yeah,” to all of our instructor’s questions. Apparently, no on sees this kid walking through the room with a steak knife.
Well, I decide to myself, if it doesn’t bother them, I’m certainly not going to let it bother me, either! I do my best to go back to my drawing, and the kid goes on his merry way and exits.
He’s back soon, going the other way, this time with a cantaloupe tucked under one arm in addition to his steak knife. Well, I think in relief, at least there’s a good reason as to why he has that thing! He just wants a slice of cantaloupe, that’s all!
He doesn’t come back and I soon forget him----I always have trouble drawing hands on my characters, and that takes up most of my concentration for the moment. The meeting soon ends, and I dawdle over my things, so that by the time I have everything packed away in my bookbag, it’s just me, the ever-observant EO instructor, and one other classmate in the room.
Suddenly Cantaloupe Kid appears. I do a double-take as I realize that his eyes are a bit on the bugged-eyed side. He’s coming towards the three of us, smiling.
Oh boy.
I suddenly realize he’s focusing on me, and I swallow hard, trying not to panic. I mean, it’s not every day that this wild-eyed kid comes at you with a steak knife and a cantaloupe!
He stops near a table, a couple feet away. He grins insanely; at least, in my opinion, he does. “Hey . . . would you like a piece of cant-a-loupe?” He talks very slowly.
“Um----” I’m stuttering, I can hardly think. “Um, um, I----”
“Would you like a piece of cant-a-loupe?” he repeats.
“Oh, no, I’ve never really liked cant-a-loupe----I mean, cantalopue! Ha-ha!” I laugh nervously, almost hysterically. “Um . . . yeah, I’ve just tried and tried to like cantaloupe, and I’ve just never cared for the test. I mean, taste. Ah, ha-ha. Yes. That is, no. No thank you.”
Ever-Observant EO Instructor and Fellow-Classmate join me in nervous laughter. At least, Fellow-Classmate does. Ever-Observant EO Instructor is behaving in his usual slightly-bored-and-oblivious way, not really caring that a wild-eyed kid is standing there with a steak knife and a cantaloupe. Fellow-Classmate and I were probably just being silly freshmen and all; I mean, I’m sure The Offering Of The Cantaloupe is actually some ancient college tradition that we don’t know about. However, it really was unnerving me and Fellow-Classmate, so I can’t really say I approve of a tradition like that.
And apparently, Cantaloupe Kid doesn’t want to be rude and only extend this strange tradition in my direction. He turns to Fellow-Classmate, gesturing at him with the knife. Both of their eyes are really wide open, but I as I watch them I beging to suspect that it’s for different reasons.
“Would you like a piece of cant-a-loupe?” he asks again.
“Blah . . . um, sure, yeah, I guess . . . I’m always hungry,” finishes Fellow-Classmate, looking a bit green.
“Okay,” says Cantaloupe Kid calmly. He leans down to the short round table next to where he is standing and firmly sets the cantaloupe down. He draws the knife forward and carefully moves it on top of the fruit before firmly pushing through it. I watch the light orange juice ooze out of the cut and pool over the tabletop. He pulls the knife back up and slices the other way. Fellow-Classmate and I give a convulsive swallow.
At last Cantaloupe Kid sets the knife gently down on the table next to the bleeding cantaloupe and pulls out the piece from the rest of the melon. Fellow-Classmate takes it gingerly, hesitates a moment, and finally manages to bite into it. I look away.
Cantaloupe Kid picks up his knife as if to cut another piece out but instead uses the knife to point at me. “Are you sure you don’t want a piece of cant-a-loupe?” he asks sincerely, still smiling broadly.
“Oh yes, ha-ha, quite sure! I really did try to like it, but I never developed a taste for it, um, ha!” I declare nervously.
“Would you like a piece of cant-a-lopue?” He’s looking at our Ever-Observant EO Instructor now.
“Nah, no thanks,” says Ever-Observant EO Instructor, rather absently. “I’m fine.”
Fellow-Classmate and I exchange a glance that says Doesn’t Ever-Observant EO Instructor notice anything a little STRANGE here? And then Fellow-Classmate takes another juicy bite and I high-tail it out of there and back to the Darkwagon.
And as I drive away, I have two thoughts on my mind: One, any place where something so weird and hilarious can happen is going to work out okay for me, and Two, I am officially living a bizarre life, where anything weird could happen; the kind of life all the cartoon characters seem to live. The thought makes me smile.
Hey, I am living the life of a cartoon character and it is only my first two weeks of college. If my sense of humor stays this intact, everything is bound to work out okay . . .
But I’ll never look at cantaloupe in quite the same way again.
(or depending on how ya got here)