| I’m standing, alone, in the MHS Cedar Parking Lot, looking towards Hayes Elementary when I see a school bus pull up. Instantly, the lot behind me fills with people. (If you can remember any film clip involving teen idols being greeted by a mob of fans as they leave a vehicle, think along those lines.) In my pocket appears a ticket (Ticketmaster) and a backstage pass (featuring Al in a chicken suit). I run to the bus, and with the aid of the pass, I am allowed inside. As I climb the steps, I see Ruben sitting on the raised bit of floor by the driver’s seat. He’s playing with a bit of string (like a yoyo string or a cat’s cradle string). The bus has a full load of people, except for one empty seat. I teleport into it. Literally-one second I’m in front, the next I’m on the seat next to the emergency exit. Behind me are seated Jim West and Jon “Bermuda” Schwartz. We start to chat about tonight’s show-the opening of “Al’s New Tour” (that was all it was ever called-no “Touring with Scissors” or “Bad Hair Tour” or “Tour of the Universe in 3D”). We sit there for a long time, and all three of us have switched from normal sitting to marching-band-been-in-these-frickin-seats-way-too-long poses-I was turned backward, rear end hovering over the ground, and the two guys were slumped down in their seat with their knees up on the back of my seat. Since I’m turned around, I can now see a guy that looks like...could it be? Yes, it is! It’s Emo Philips! (What, you expected someone else? Stay tuned.) I look a bit closer. It’s not Emo at all...it’s Al. (Yes, you guessed right. Congratulations.) But it is Al in darn good Emo makeup-he looks just like Emo from the ‘Pentiums’ video (except in a Tshirt and jeans). I am the only one that recognizes Emo as Al, so as to not blow his cover, I ignore him and go back to the conversation. The conversation turns to me whipping a Sharpie out of my pants pocket (the carpenter pants side pocket) and threatening Jim and Jon with mustaches if I didn’t get signatures. They laugh and sign my shoulders. (I’m in a light green baby-doll tshirt with Yoda’s head in sparkles on the front.) I sit back and the bus starts to move. We drive for an hour or three...chatting all the way. We finally get to the venue (named The Venue...I’m so original in these dreams.) The backstage door extrudes a tunnel and locks onto the bus door. (Like airplanes connect to airports.) We all get off the bus (carrying boxes, bags and stuff...which we didn’t have earlier.) We dump it in a huge pile and go to watch the show live from backstage. The stage is set up in sections: () ] The oval part was backstage. Separating the stage from the backstage area was a huge cutout plywood garden. 2-D. It was one huge sheet of plywood with holes cut in it, painted like a garden. All of us Al fans that arrived on his bus are gathered behind this, poking our heads through the holes. (The audience couldn’t see us, for some reason.) Al opens the show with a boyband parody, sung in a chicken suit. (If I could remember it, I’d make millions from the CD sales...it was hysterical.) Al then heads off to change. We watch the audience, listening to the films and laughing, pointing out good props and fans who are really getting into it. The stage lights go back up- And there are a crowd of sixties girl-group wannabes gathered on the stage. They’re dressed in short dresses covered in royal blue sequins. And black flats. They all start dancing in place, all with the same movements, and then they gesture to the top of a pyramid of boxes. A curtain is lifted-and it reveals Al dressed in the same gear. Flats and all. The scary part was, it looked good on him. The backstage fans grouped together, shrugged, and charged out on stage to sing with Al. We were still in our street clothes. The song finishes and Al slips into his “One More Minute” jacket. The instant the jacket hits his shoulders, he’s Emo-Al again. Emo-Al sings the first few lines of “One More Minute”. Then, a catastrophe. Annoying Man-a compilation of everyone mean, annoying, and not nice I’ve ever met-stands up and says, “How come they got to go on stage?” Normally, no one would’ve heard him. No one cared to. Unfortunately, the instant he stood, house lights came on, and all the amps, speakers, and everything died except the lights on Al and Al’s microphone. Annoying Man whines, “I wanna go backstage!” Emo-Al replies that he can’t. Annoying Man sits back down. “Oh.” The lights go off, the amps, speakers, etc. go on, the song continues. Until Annoying Man stands back up. “I wanna go backstage!” Emo-Al refuses him again. “Oh.” Annoying Man sits back down. He butts in every few lines with the same whine, and Emo-Al refuses him every time. At the end of the song, while Annoying Man is making another request to go backstage, I lean over to one of the backstage people and make some snide and sarcastic comment about Annoying Man. Al-who is back to his old self, and right behind me-hears, laughs, and says, “You know what? We’re a lot alike.” And then I woke up. My Take On It Next Dream |
| Al's New Tour 12/05/00 |