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Dream A Little Dream ...

04/15/02 - Maybe I am getting old ... I don’t think I’m exhausted, well maybe a
little. But I’ve found myself wanting to get back on schedule, something I’m
usually happy to stray from. But beyond that, I found myself depleted ... Moi! I’ve
been told that I’m insatiable. So, depleted scared me. Maybe I AM getting old.
No, that can’t be it. I was feeling numb. Maybe it’s time for me to take control.
I’ve always been a “roll with the punches” person. But then it was like little
twinges of guilt started to take over. Well, I’m not old, but I’m old enough to know
I have nothing to feel guilty about. Numb was what it was. And actually, I’ve
always had some sort of control. I may have my head in the clouds a lot of the
time, but I’ve always got one foot planted firmly on the ground. Nonetheless (I’ve
always liked that word), what I was feeling was very different and I was at a loss
on what to do about it. Should I try to figure it out, should I explain? No, it wasn’t
necessary because ... I was understood. No apologies necessary. And, there
was total agreement. The schedules could be worked out. Slowing down was a
given. And the numbness turned to calm.

Tonight The New Guy will be coming to watch me bowl. Oh gees ... please don’t
let me suck. I had a score of 134 last week, hope that wasn’t a fluke. I really
want him to meet my two favorite team members. I’ve talked about them here
before, but I can’t remember the nicknames I’ve given them (yikes, old age).
Anyway, they are great, such a sweet couple, and they have become really good
friends to me. I think they worry about me a little. They have no reason to, but I
appreciate their concern all the same. We seem to realize when we’re going
through things without having to actually say what’s going on. Last week they
asked me if they could borrow $20. I only had $10. I gave it to them, I didn’t loan
it. I give what I can, when I can and I never expect anything in return. It’s a what
goes around, comes around thing. Now the fourth member of my team, it’s a little
different story there. I find myself stretching at times. Last week I was so tired
and really looking forward to getting home from bowling and taking a little nap
before work. Well, She informs me that I have to take Single Horny Man home
as he doesn’t have a ride. I said, No, I can’t. She said, yes you can, I told him
you would. I told her she had no right to do that. I wanted to go straight home.
She said he’s not that much out of my way. I started to get that “Why Me?”
feeling. The last thing I needed was contact with another single, horny man. And
why would she want to put me in that position? She was getting on my nerves.  I
looked her straight in the eyes and said very firmly ... Listen to me, I don’t want
to and I’m not going to. Then I left. I’m pretty sure I surprised her. I surprised
myself a little. But then again ... I’ve always had some sort of control.