Question: My husband has been suffering pins and needles in his hands for the past two nights and he has pins and needles still in his hands today and his hands are going white and swelling up. Do you know what could be causing this to happen?
    -Debbie
Answer: The answer to your question lies in the question itself. Your husband has pins and needles in his hands. The swelling is a result of these foreign objects embedded in his skin. Removal of the objects should relieve the symptoms. The more important question is how your husband came to have so much hardware in his body. Several possibilities suggest themselves; First, he could have visited the planet Acupuncturus recently and gotten too near any of its native inhabitants. Second, he may have been looking for food scraps in a hospital dumpster, is he by chance a doctor? Because doctors are sometimes very hungry and forced to go searching for food in dumpsters. The third possibility is, by far, the most likely. I think your husband has been having a clandestine affair with a clerk at a fabric store. Their secret trysts have probably taken place in the stockroom of the local sewing shop which is where, in darkness, your husband inadvertently impaled his hands on the pins and needles. 

Editor: This would be a good place to mention that Dr. Zoidberg is not responsible for any physical, mental or emotional harm that might occur as a result of his advice. 

Q: Where do babies come from?
    -Bleep
A: I get asked this question frequently. The answer varies from species to species. For my race, babies hatch from eggs laid in the ocean during the mating frenzy. Since mating is fatal amongst my people, the babies fend for themselves until they are adults, at which time they...fend for themselves. In humans, I believe babies are purchased at the store. There is a huge section at the supermarket with various jars, boxes, and bags featuring pictures of tiny humans on the front. This leads me to reason that human babies are a consumer product. Be careful if you purchase one of these baby kits though, there seems to be a wide variety of brands, types and sizes available and you really should shop around for the best price.

Q: How can I avoid clenching my jaw at night.  I wake up with throbbing headaches, and a sore jaw.  Do you know any stress relieving techniques I can do prior to going to sleep at night?
    -Nina
A: It is frequently my job to dispel myths and legends about one's health and health problems. Much as I had to straighten out confusion about "viruses" in response to a previous reader's question, I now have to explain the nature of nocturnal bruxism. Your problem is not caused by stress at all, but by an unconscious desire to improve yourself. We all know that during sleep, the subconscious mind can take over and express itself in dreams. Your subconscious can also attempt any number of other nighttime activities. In your case, your vain subconscious is unhappy with the muscle tone or general shape of your jaw. This unhappiness is being expressed nightly as your mind attempts to re-sculpt your face through active exercise and, if necessary, removal of dental surfaces. Given time, this process will result in a brand new you, one with a chiseled jaw and probably fewer teeth. In the meantime, no pain, no gain. Changing your face from doughy to dramatic will take time and certainly cripple you in ways you can't now even begin to calculate, but it will be aesthetically pleasing and that's what's important. The only other solution to this problem is to undertake expensive cosmetic surgery to produce the results your fragile subconscious craves.