| Chapter 16: "This is So Boring" |
| Later that night… The ten kids are hanging out in the girls’ hotel room, watching TV. Jesse, Amy, Matt, and Meagan lie on one of the beds on their backs, their heads hanging off the end. Tory and Chris sit on the chair in the corner. Frankie and Greg sit on the floor near the four others’ heads, playing poker. Melissa and Anna sit on the dresser, fighting over the remote. Meagan- What is on TV? Oh…uh…Spongebob Squarepants… Amy- I love this show! Matt- I dunno…a sponge who wears pants? Meagan- Would you rather he not wear pants? Matt- Well…just saying…I mean come on, he’s a frickin’ sponge… Amy- Shh! This is the episode where Sandy goes on vacation and Spongebob has to babysit the caterpillar! Jesse- You know, Frankie…I think your nose is upside down. Greg's too...everything is upside down... Frankie and Greg pay him no attention. Melissa snatches the remote from Anna’s hand. Anna- Give me that! Melissa- (holding the remote away as Anna grabs for it) Nope, sorry. Ah ha! Melissa smiles evilly as she flips on SoapNet. Meagan- Aw…change the channel. Anna- Oh no…not a soap opera! Jesse- (his head shoots up) Soap opera?! Tory- Oh! It’s All My Children! Jesse- (he sits up) All My Children?! Matt and Chris- (waving their arms and whispering) Turn it off! Jesse dives angrily at Melissa, stealing the remote and turning on the Disney Channel. Jesse- (sighing heavily, falling back onto the bed) Ah…Johnny Tsunami…life is good. Anna and Meagan- Uh…thanks for switching it…? They look at each other and laugh. Jesse- My PLEASURE. Melissa- Jesse! Why’d you switch it?! Tory- Yeah! That was a good one! Jesse looks at the confused faces and then points to a bruise on the back of his arm. Jesse- Do you see this? Matt and Chris roll their eyes. Melissa, Tory, Meagan, Anna- Yes… Amy- Are you ok?!??! Chris- Of course he’s ok…it’s like the size of a dime. Jesse- Christopher you know that even dime-sized bruises hurt. Besides…it used to be HUGE. Chris- ANYWAYS… Jesse- So it went a little something like this… *The screen fades out like on Saved By the Bell* We see Jesse as JR on the set of AMC. He is taping one of his scenes on floor seven. Jesse- (as JR) I trusted you! I-(Shaking his head and stomping his feet in frustration) OH GOD! Director- Cut! (Shaking his head) Come here, Jess. The director leads Jesse back to his office and closes the door. Director- Kid…you’ve been a great addition to the show. Unfortunately, we feel your services are no longer needed. Jesse- Wha…? I don’t understand… Director- We’re getting a new JR…we don’t need you anymore. The director has a crazed look on his face as he inches toward a worried Jesse. Jesse too backs up…getting closer and closer to the open window. Jesse- I-I- Director- (still inching) Sorry, Jesse… The director finally has inched Jesse right up to the open window, and Jesse leans out, praying for his life. Jesse- What are you doing? Director- Just taking care of business. Say goodbye, Jesse… Jesse- But we’re seven floors uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup…(Jesse disappears out the window) *The screen fades back* Amy- OH MY GOD! Matt- You liar. Chris- Jesse, that is not AT ALL what happened and you KNOW it. Jesse- It is. It’s a tough business in the soap world. Amy- I choose Dollar General Soap…it’s the best. Anna- Not that soap, freak. Melissa- Wow…so, you were JR! Tory- I KNEW he looked familiar! Melissa and Tory- CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?! Meagan- Wait…you were on a soap opera and because you weren’t right for the part anymore, the director pushed you out a window? Jesse nods. Matt- Nuh-uh, Jesse. You are such a liar. That bruise is from when you tripped off stage during “Gotta Get the Girl”. Matt, Chris, and the girls laugh. Greg and Frankie have paid the others no attention, as they are engrossed in their poker game. Greg- Ok…Francis…looks like you’re twenty bucks short today. Greg lays down a royal flush. Frankie- Damn it! How the hell did you do that?! Greg- (smiling) I am just the master. Amy- Hey guys…there’s a special movie preview out tonight for “The Majestic”. What do you say we go?? Meagan- Uh…what the hell is “The Majestic”? Melissa- A movie! And it looks good! Anna- What? It does not. Tory- Yes, it does! It has Jim Carrey in it! Chris- Oh…so it’s a comedy? Matt- (shrugs) Guess it’s good. Melissa- What do you say we go, Greg? Anna- (whispering loudly) Say no, Frankie. Frankie and Greg- What? Amy- Wanna go see “The Majestic”?? Greg and Frankie- No. Meagan- See? They don’t want to. Tory- Well, let’s vote. All in favor of “The Majestic”, raise your hand. Amy, Tory, Melissa, Matt, and Chris raise their hands. Meagan glares at Matt. Tory- Ok…all not in favor of “The Majestic”. Meagan, Anna, Frankie, Greg, and Matt’s hands go up. Amy- Matt! You voted twice! Matt- Well…I decided that I don’t want to see it. Tory- (sighing) Aye yi yi… Melissa- Well Jesse, you still have to vote. Jesse- Um…well…I really wanted to see “Legally Blonde”. Chris- Dude…we’ve gone with you to that one like five times. Jesse- Yeah…well Reese is really hot. Chris- True… Matt- Just vote. Jesse- Well…I guess I’ll see your dumb “Majestic”. Amy- Yes! Melissa- Ok, let’s go! The five get up and walk over to the door, then stopping to look at the other half of the group. Chris- Well…? Greg- It’s five against five, stupid. Frankie- It’s a tie. Melissa- Well…the tiebreaker is…let’s see the movie. Tory- Alright it’s set, let’s go! Anna- I am not going to see “The Majestic”. Meagan- Me either. Matt- Yeah…me either. Jesse- Aw, come on, guys. It’s not like we have other plans. Melissa- (giving Greg the sad look) Please? Chris- Come with your fellow Peace Children, Greg. Greg- Oh, alright. Fine. Frankie, Matt, Anna, and Meagan have no choice but to go with. *** At the theater… The ten kids walk up to the ticket booth. Melissa- Ten for “The Majestic”. Ticket Lady- Are you sure you wanna see that- I mean…sure, no problem. Here you go. Theater Eight, to your left. Enjoy your show. Melissa- Uh…thanks… The kids get their food and drinks and head into Theater Eight. All of them head up to the back row. Chris is on one end, followed by Tory, Melissa, Greg, Frankie, Anna, Meagan, Matt, Jesse, and Amy. Each couple has their own popcorn. The previews have yet to start. Amy- (chomping away on popcorn) Hey…there’s none left…can we have some of yours? Matt- No. Amy- Why? You have a ton left! Meagan- The movie hasn’t even started yet. Jesse- Amy! You ate all the popcorn and I didn’t get ANY? Amy- Yes… Tory- This looks like such a good movie. Melissa- Oh, I know! Chris- Is it supposed to be funny? Melissa and Tory- No. Melissa- What gave you that idea? Greg- Uh…how about Jim Carrey being the star? Chris- Yeah…he does funny movies. Tory- Well, this is different. Melissa- It will be good, trust me. Anna- (whining) Why are we here? I don’t want to watch this. Frankie- Oh, don’t worry. You don’t have to. Just then, the previews start and soon after, the movie begins. *Five seconds into the movie* Meagan- This is so boring. Tory- It will get better. Just give it a chance! *Two minutes into the movie* Matt- This is so boring. Melissa- It will get better. I can sense it… *Four minutes into the movie* Anna- This is so boring. Tory- Don’t worry, the exciting part is about to happen. *Seven minutes into the movie* Frankie- This is so boring. Melissa- It will get better! We’re barely into the film yet. *Twelve minutes into the movie* Greg- This is so boring. Tory- The jump scene is coming… *Thirteen minutes into the movie* Jesse- This is so boring. Melissa- It DOES get better. It has to… *Sixteen minutes into the movie* Amy- This is so boring. Tory- Don’t worry! Once we get a little more into it, it will get really good. *Twenty-four minutes into the movie* Chris- This is so boring. Melissa- Chris, just watch more…it will get REALLY good. I promise. *Thirty-one minutes into the movie* Melissa and Tory- This is so boring. *Thirty-three minutes into the movie* All ten kids are fast asleep. Two-and-a-half-hours later, the movie ends. The ten are still asleep. Soon after the movie ends, it’s time to close the theater for the night. *Outside the door to Theater Eight* Employee #1- Alright, I checked all the theaters over there. You gonna check this one? Employee #2- Nah…no one sees this movie anyway. It’ll be fine. Employee #1- Alright, let’s lock up. *** A few hours later… Frankie wakes up with a jolt. Frankie- No, don’t shoot! Wait…where am I…? Frankie looks around, noticing Greg and Anna on either side of him. Frankie- (looking at Anna) Sweet. (Looking at Greg) Not sweet. Jesse too wakes up, looking around. Jesse- What the…oh, hey, Frankie… Frankie- Hello. Jesse- (elbowing Matt) Wake up, man. Matt- (waking up) What? Hey…I am sleeping next to Jesse? AW! Jesse- And Meagan. Matt- Meagan…oh, sweet! Chris wakes up slowly, hearing the voices. Chris- Who is disturbing my beauty sleep? Hey wait…where are we? (He looks around) Tory…sweet. Frankie elbows Greg, who sits up straight. Greg- Yello. Hey…it’s Melissa. Sweet. Uh…where are we? Matt and Frankie wake Anna and Meagan up. Anna- What?! Frankie- Uh…sorry… Anna- Frankie? Meagan- Whoa…Matt…why are you sleeping next to me? Matt- (sarcastically) It’s a sleepover…what do you think? Anna- Did we fall asleep during the movie? Frankie- Yep. Meagan- What time is it? Jesse looks at his watch. Jesse- Um…I guess I need a new battery. Chris- Why? Jesse- It says 3:36. Greg- That can’t be right…mine says…oh shit… Jesse- Your watch says oh shit? Chris- (looks at his watch) Oh no… Jesse wakes Amy up. Jesse- Bugaboo, uh…wake up. Amy- Huh? Oh...Jester. Oh no did I do something I’ll regret tomorrow??? Jesse- Um…no…? Well…you did eat all the popcorn… Amy- Popcorn…are we at the movies still? Anna- Yep. Amy- What time is it? Jesse- According to Greg’s watch, oh shit. Amy- Oh shit…? Oh shit! Chris and Greg wake Melissa and Tory up. Tory- Ah! What do you want? Ah! Chris! Chris- Yep…that’s me… Tory- Are we…oh no, are we still at the movie theater? Chris- Yep. Melissa- I am still sleepy. Good night. Greg- Melissa! Wake up. Melissa- Greg? Why are you sleeping by me? Greg- Well…I guess I was tempted…TO FALL ASLEEP DURING THE STUPID MOVIE. Melissa- Huh? Frankie- We’re still at the theater. And it’s 3:42 in the morning. Melissa- Oh shit! Tory- The theater…it’s gotta be closed! Amy- No duh… Meagan- What are we supposed to do?! Matt- I have no idea. Greg- Why didn’t anyone come in and wake us up? Frankie- Yeah, they always check the theaters before they lock up. Anna- (she shrugs, then looks over at Tory and Melissa) They probably assumed no one would come see this STUPID MOVIE. Melissa- Are you saying this is our fault? Tory- We did nothing! Meagan- Yeah well all I know is that dumb Greg had to agree with his “Peace Children” and so it was four to six. Greg- Hey! I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into! Chris- You?! Guys…the one we should be worried about here is me. Frankie- What?! Jesse- Chris, you should really stop being so self-preserved. Amy- Yeah. Anna- Self-absorbed. Jesse- Whatever. But honestly…guys, I HAVE to get back to our hotel room. Tory- So do I! All my hair products are in there! Chris- Yeah, mine too! Jesse- No…I mean I REALLY have to get back there. Frankie- Uh…why? Jesse- Um…no reason. Matt- It’s not like there’s anything living in there. There is silence as the others wait for Jesse to agree. Greg- Aw…DUDE! It’s probably that dumb rat… Jesse- (staring at the ground, then looking up) MURPHY’S NOT DUMB! Frankie- Oh NO! Jesse! How COULD you?? Tory- Who’s Murphy? Meagan- Some rodent he found in the subway. Jesse- Hey now! Murphy is not a rodent! Everyone looks at Jesse with that “Oh, come on” look. Jesse- He’s a…a…alright fine, he’s a rodent! But a very nice one! Frankie- Alright anyway…how about we figure out how to get out of this place? They all start to think. Tory- We could pry open the door! Jesse- Yeah! Hey, does anyone have a crowbar? Matt- (sarcastically) Oh yeah, right here in my back pocket. Anna- We could…use one of Amy’s bobby pins and use it to pick the lock! Everyone nods and smiles. Amy- Good idea, Anna. But I have a better one. Everyone groans. Melissa- What’s that? Raid the snack bar? Amy- Ooh! Good, but no. What we do is we climb up through the ventilation ducks. Greg- Uh…ducts, you mean? Amy- Yes, that too. Jesse-(thinking hard, then looking up) Ooh! Lightbulb! Chris- Don’t be crazy, Jesse. Your lightbulb went out a long time ago- Jesse- HAHA…very funny. Frankie- Well…tell us. Jesse- We go up through the respiration ducks- Anna- Ventilation ducts… Jesse-…and we drop down into the lobby- Tory- Why? Jesse- Because then we can play arcade games and- Meagan- They’re not on. Jesse- Ok…so then we find the key and turn them on and then after we’ve played for a while, we’ll have enough energy and determination to go get the other key and unlock the front door and go back to the hotel. Greg- (shaking his head) You are so dumb… Matt- Why bother with getting the keys twice? If you’re going to get the arcade game keys, why not just grab the other ones too? Chris- Yeah, and can we screw the arcade games? The others nod besides Amy and Jesse. Amy- Chris, don’t be gross. Tory- (rolling her eyes) That isn’t what he meant, Amy… Meagan- Plus, we can’t go through the entrance…it’s locked…there’s an alarm… Melissa- Well, technically we could have a slight chance that there isn’t an alarm set, because in case you all didn’t know, 72.4% of movie theaters don’t set their alarms at night. Anna- Thanks for that lovely and useful piece of info, Melissa. Melissa- My pleasure. Anna- But that doesn’t help. How do you know if this theater is among the 72.4%? Amy- True…it could be among the other 72.6% that DO lock their doors. Matt- You mean 27.6… Amy- Riiiight. Frankie- How about we use the ducts…but we come out on the roof? Chris- (sarcastically) Oh, sure, and then I could use my Spiderman Claw to swing us all down to the ground. Jesse- Good idea! High five! Jesse holds his hand up…Chris just stares at him. Frankie- Chris, they have ladders. Tory- Well…it’s not Chris’s fault…he didn’t know. Anna- Well, I agree with Frankie’s plan. Matt- Good job, man. Matt and Frankie do their handshake. Everyone agrees and begins walking down to the front of the theater, where there is a metal screen over a duct. Amy remains at the back of the theater. Amy- (yelling down to them) But it was MY idea! *** 10 minutes later, Greg removes the screen from the duct and sets it on the ground next to the opening. Greg- So, who’s goin’ in first? I nominate Amy. Amy- What?! Anna- (whispering to Amy) You’re our first sacrifice, remember? Amy- The next time you call me a sack of rice I will kick you’re a- Chris- I nominate…Frankie. Frankie- Why? Matt- Because you’re the oldest. Frankie- So? Meagan- You’re…the coolest, too… Tory- No, Chris is. Tory and Chris smile at each other. Frankie- Well…I may be cool- which indeed is the case- but I am not going first. No way. Anna- Why not, sweetheart? Be brave for me. Frankie- Ok so I’m first, who’s second? *** Meanwhile…in the ducts far away from Theater Eight… John- (crawling around) I thought I heard them down there somewhere. They miss me, they want to see me. Uglina- (crawling behind him, sneezing her head off) *Ah-CHOO* No hablo Ingles…*Ah-CHOO* John- Come on, Momma Bonita, no meed to el sneezo. (He laughs at his own dumb Spanish) *** Frankie- (laying in the duct with his head hanging out towards the group) Ok, someone HAS to go second. Anna- Well…I have this phobia of being within the first three people to crawl through a small space… Jesse- And I am claustrophobic, remember? Chris- If I went second, then I would have to stare at Frankie’s ass the whole time. Anna- You know, on second thought, I might be able to go second. Greg- Matt, you go next. Matt- Why? Am I not good enough to go fourth? Meagan- I’ll be third. Matt can be fourth. Matt nods in satisfaction. Jesse- Well…I can go fifth. Greg, Frankie, Anna, Meagan, Matt- No. Greg- We can’t have a dumb ass that close to the front…it just wouldn’t be right. Jesse kicks Greg as Greg laughs. Amy- And where will you go, Greg? Greg- Last. I need to protect everyone in front of me. Melissa- (under her breath) Damn. Tory- Well…Chris will need to go ahead of me…he can be fifth, I’ll be sixth. Jesse- I’ll be seventh and then Amy will me eighth. Amy- And Melissa will go ninth! Melissa- (as everyone begins climbing in- in order- after Frankie) Can’t I go eleventh? Greg- Melissa, I know you want me and all, but you need to listen to orders. When we get outside, you can stare at my ass all you want. Melissa- Deal. *** Meanwhile… John- (singing as he and Uglina continue to venture through the ducts) Feliz Navidad…Feliz Navidad… Uglina- *Ah-CHOO* Silencio, John…*Ah-CHOO* John- Aw…but it’s almost Christmas…oh no, it’s not. Ok…nevermind. (Singing again) Here we go, ole ole ole… Uglina rolls her eyes and continues to sneeze. *** At the same time… The ten kids have made quite progress on their mission, as they are getting closer and closer to the front entrance. Frankie- Only a little farther…hang in there… Anna- (dazed) No problem… Meagan- Anna, do you think you could speed it up? I am not working hard enough when we’re going .01 miles per hour. Matt- (dazed) That’s ok… Jesse- Matt! A little faster? Amy- Jesse, has anyone every told you you have a really nice ass? Jesse- Thanks, Amy. I’ve only heard that from you…well, and the half million other fans… Chris- These ducts are not good at all for my hair. The dust doesn’t mix well with my balm…I may be flammable. Tory- (dazed) No problem… Chris- WHAT?! Melissa- Tory! Move faster! I am tired and I want to go back to the hotel. Greg- (dazed) No, no, take your time… Frankie- Shh! Listen… The group gets silent. “Ah-CHOO!” Jesse- That sounds like a…SNEEZE! Greg- No, really? Frankie- Shh… “Cup of life, ole ole ole…” They all gasp. Anna- It’s…it’s… Before the group can open their mouths, the faggish scent is drawn around them, as John peeks his butt-ugly head around the corner. John- Guys! Frankie, Anna, Meagan, Matt, Chris, Tory, Jesse, Amy, Melissa, Greg- AH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frankie- Turn around, turn around! The group turns hurriedly around, banging their heads on the side of the duct. Chris- My hair! Jesse- I think I’m bleeding! Tory- It’s a flat surface, freak. Matt- Just GO! Frankie- For the love of god, he’s right behind me! They all start speed-crawling in the other direction, taking a few sharp turns to throw John off. Before they know it, they’ve come to an overhead door labeled “Roof”. Greg- Sweet! We made it! Frankie- Open it! Melissa- The smell in here is suffocating me! Greg- (he lifts it up and slides it onto the roof as they ten kids climb out) Yes…free at last! The five couples hug, glad to be alive… |