Kids & Custody

Children are the true victims in the process of Ex Parte' and Divorce. The worst part about the whole process is that they are frequently used as pawns to get money and property by women from men. It is truly a despicable act to use children in this manner and goes straight to the heart of character of a person who uses children as pawns to further their own needs and desires. When it comes to people of middle and upper class finances, child support is nothing more than a lucrative tax-free money grab. The worst part about it is that the children don't get the benefit of most of the money. It would be one thing if it were truly spent on the kids, but in most cases, it is spent for the benefit of the custodial parent. You can require monthly receipts on expenditures for the kids as a means of trying to keep her honest by use of public scrutiny, i.e. someone is watching, however, you really can't require her to spend it on the kids.

You need to decide for yourself if you are capable of taking care of the kids. Remember, there is support and the court does accept after-hours childcare from the time they get out of school till you get home from work. If your child does not yet go to school then daycare is an acceptable form of childcare to the courts. If you are not good at cooking or cleaning, hire someone. Any lawyer trying to argue lack of parental care if you use childcare, maid, cook or after hours child care will have to face the same argument for your spouse, you both have to work. In fact extra child support can be gotten for this care. The courts do not like to change child custody unless there is solid evidence of child abuse, and drug or alcohol abuse, as a result it is very difficult to get custody back from the party who has the kids.

• There may be attempts to reduce visitation by claiming disruption to the kids, your active schedule, missing of visitation time, etc. However, you need to counter by saying the kids are doing well because of frequency of visitation and that you want more time to be as much support to them as possible. This thing is not their fault it is my partner's and mine for not getting along.
• Don't fail to pay child support/maintenance before the end of the month otherwise you will get your wages garnished and that will be used against you in future hearings.

• Don't show a pattern of not seeing the kids on time or not at all. Yes, you are hurt terribly by what has happened, however, your kids are the innocent victims in her self centered behavior. See them every time you can, otherwise she may be able to use your absences as grounds to reduce your visitation rights and tell the kids that you don't love them. It's best for the kids to see you as often as possible, it lets them know that you have not abandoned them. At the PL hearing push for twice a week and every other weekend, your grounds for the request is the kids best interest.
• If the kids have friends they like to play with often, have them come over when you pick up your kids. Invite them to play at your place when the kids are there. This will cut off the dirty trick of her saying to the kids, that you don't have to go with dad if you don't want to, go play with your friends. Actually, the more kids you have the easier it is to keep them occupied with things to do. Sleepovers are things kids like to do with their friends, as much as practical say yes. If there are girls involved in sleepovers, make sure they are told to change clothes in the bathroom or behind a locked bedroom door at all times, this will protect you against any child abuse charges.
• List out a range of activities your kids may like to do such as board games, bowling, mini-golf, roller skating, ice skating, boating, fishing, camping, etc. You may or may not choose to participate in all those activities, but the point is that time with dad is not restricting my life and in fact it is fun.
• Don't make reference to the kids in terms of "me, my, etc. as in interest, fairness." Set the agenda in terms of the "What is in the Kids Best Interest".
• Trashing the ex-partner in front of the kids will only lower you to her level in the kid's eyes. It is best to say nothing at all. Be assured that she probably is repeatedly saying bad stuff about you to justify her actions. After about a year or so the kids will get tired of the trashing and start challenging her. You must prove with your actions and behavior that she is wrong. Talk with other dads in the same situation, you will find out that the one who does the trashing in the long run will lose the kid's love and respect. It's hard, but in the long run both you and the kids will be closer for it.
• Be extremely careful when it comes to discipline when the kids misbehave. Any physical striking will be used against you in court, slaps, spanking, use of an object such as a belt, etc. will be claimed as child abuse by your spouse. This is especially true if the mother does not or has not in the recent past used corporal punishment herself. You may realize that at some point your spouse stopped using corporal punishment making you do all the discipline, you have been set up. Think about it first and decide well before hand how you are going to discipline and then talk it over with the kids. Get their input on what they think punishment should be for various increasing degrees of misbehavior. They obviously don't want any, however, you should make suggestions and if at all possible get them to choose the form they think is appropriate given the degree of misbehavior. Write it down and put it on the refrigerator.
• Make sure that your kids have a list of phone numbers where they can reach you if they need to contact you for any reason. Include your spouse's phone numbers as well on the list so the kids know that you do not oppose them having a relationship with their mother.

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