Vengeance Is Mine, Sayeth the Splurgoth Lord!

(Neither EIF.com nor General Logan advocate intolerance of any kind. This is a comedy piece. Enjoy it as such.)

     Most fockers never get a chance to glimpse the future, but on this fateful eve, I was honored with a vision of what will undoubtedly prove to be my EXACT tomorrow night.

     The lights fade as I enjoy my spot in the crowded theater. We are all abuzz with thoughts of "Dungeons and Dragons" and how it will destroy the box office come Monday morning. As the film begins however, the first few references to magic/dragons/Satan cause a pair of white-shirted seat theater mates in front of me to squirm.

     Then I see the lap-sized bibles. Apparently, their leader has allowed them to part from the compound for two hours to bring back reconnaisance on the newest filimc spawn of Lucifer's loins. As they take in the horrific scenes of Marlon Wayans and the like, they grow more and more offended.

     Finally, the leftmost of the pair (I dub him "Chet") rises in his seat and faces the nullified audience.

     "Turn and repent from this wickedness."

     Well, that's why he STARTS to say. Before he can complete his first sanctimonious sentence, my newfound ally, known only as "Raoul Duke" turns to the joy-thief and lauches a powerful "magic" missile (an M&M) out of his straw, that smacks him in the front of the head, sending his noggin reeling in a JFK-esque manner--back and to the left.

     His slightly younger companion, still repressed in his homosexual tendencies, runs to his side. "Chet!" he will cry, "Chet! It's dark... I am lost!"

     Then, lit with universal audience approval, General Logan brings down his signature size eleven Sketcher on the lad, sending him facefirst into the carmalized floor beneath. Despite the roars of approval from our neighbors, Duke and I are far from done.

     Chet and his assistant (dubbed Todd "the Floorboard" by Raoul) regroup on the dimly lit floor, planning their righteous revenge. Gathering strength behind their jumbo leatherbound books, the duo stands proudly against our insignifigant pagan filmgoing attempt.

     "You will all burn in hell for an eternity...," one of them challeneges, deflecting Raoul's M&Ms with his book-shield. Regrouping atop the stadium seats, the heroes (NO! Not them, Raoul and I!) gather our wit.

     "Bitches must leave," says I.

     With a silent nod, Raoul concurs. Before we can act, a pair of 15 year old ushers come in to remove us.

     "Time to move gentlemen," one of them squeaks, waving his flashlight like the manhood he would never have. "Please let the other patrons..."

     I laugh as he chokes down a painful death, courtesy the M&M/Mars company, and Duke' unerring aim. I return to the fray with a small but potent move, described by an onlooker as "one bad ass kung fu shop!" executed against the bridge ot the other's nose.

     In terror, the two of us look out to see the two hatemongers below wielding their unholy (well, okay ...holy) weapons on our fellow watchers, beating them verbally, one row at a time.

     Raoul looks to me with fire in his young eyes, "The time to finish this is at hand, Logan."

     "Fag!" I say, refusing to look back into his eyes.

     Soon I realize that his zeal is aimed toward eliminating our foes, and regain my direction. We both reach for our power armlets, calling on the demon G'ore to give us his dark power. (Raoul will later find himself curiously pregnant as a result.)

     With an eerie red glow, Raoul leaps the large gap between our post and theirs, sending Chet reeling backward into the screen, screaming for mercy. He finds only pain. Due to an odd bit of luck, he crashes through the screen just as one of the filmic dragons opens its jaws wide. The deafening cheers of the frenzied crowd cover the crunch of spine as Chet is impaled on a
sharp -Jeremy Irons with Sword- display, celebrating the very film he came to loathe.

     As for Todd, an evil glare lights my good eye as I glance toward the pathetic pursuant. With an equally eerie blue glow, I leap and fly in "crane" position across the theater, defying gravity as I often defy sanity. With a deft twist in midair, I collide with his chin, sending him back at an awkward angle. Crashing through the paper thin wall into an innocent showing of "Thomas the Tank Engine Saves Herbie the Love Bug", Todd is destined for an immediate and bloody death scene. From the neighboring room, youthful screams are heard.

     During the ensuing standing ovation, our heroes slip quietly through the emergency exit, smuggling their weight in popcorn. The people turn and look in a frenzy...

     "Who were those great, great men?" one large breasted girl will ask to her bisexual friend.

     "I don't know," came her reply, as she weeps softly. "I don't know..."

     For some reason, during this point in my vision I see credits rolling.

    Ok, so me an' the gang are drunk right now, but I think, even had I been sober, I still wouldn't get the in-jokes here, so, I'm gonna talk about all the shitty horror movies Colebot and I have seen in the last few weeks. There's a lot of em. Sleepaway Camp, Dr. Giggles, Alone In the Dark, etc., etc...

DJEvil: Hey guys, I'm updating the site. Anything you wanna say about these horrible movies?

Colebot: Lemme-lemme take a crack at that, bro (falls on bedpost, giggles...giggles some more). Dude, quote...(giggles)...quote (giggles) Dude, my quote, "Sleepaway Camp is a metaphor for homosexuality."

Brinstar: (a half-dozen variations on "shoot me now")

Colebot: I can have sex, play guitar, and watch movies all at the same time...(mumbles something about a knife through a bathroom wall, plays guitar)

DJEvil: (scratches crotch)

     "The Park Is Mine" had to have been considered a bad career move on all involved. I bet not ONE of them could look back on it (Colebot giggles), and say, "Hey, that was a good thing." (Colebot: "If you can't walk...and I can't drink...how can we expect to survive the New World Order? Three words... Respect the cock...Mikey, you are a chicken-shit.) Everything was way off-kilter. "Hey, reporter-chick. Put on this camoflage outfit. The cops won't be so tempted to shoot you." Yeeeeeah. Right on, Tommy. If you needed a tit-shot in this movie, you shoulda busted a move, instead. The audience respects a guy who takes over Central Park all by himself and gets laid doing it, more than they respect a guy who takes over Central Park and doesn't. On the other hand, his competetion were retards. It took two professional mercenaries to figure out, "hey, all we have to do is push this foot-high barb wire over to the side." You'd think Yaphet Kotto would have this over in the first hour or so. He's that bad-ass. But, nope. And there's also this guy named "Cox" in it. An actual line from the movie: "RAISE COX!" Ohhhhh, did I laugh.

     Then, there's this "Alone In the Dark."

     Lemme interrupt. This end scene from "Sleepaway Camp," HAS to be the scariest thing we've seen in a while. AHHHHH! PENIS! HULK-O-VISION! We're all messed-up, and if sober, we're not sure we'd understand anything that happened in this movie, other than SHE HAS A PENIS. Colebot and Brinstar are debating whether or not she's still sexy.

     Ok. Back to AItD...Martin Landau, that guy who played Barkley from Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Jack Palance...they're all in this movie. Donald Plesance is in it, too. Guess what he plays! Yep...a DOCTOR. Big stretch, huh? Palance and Landau play psychos out to kill Barkley, cause he's spending too much time in the holodeck or some shit. There's also this big, scary fat guy, who breaks people. There's this one really hot girl, who wears that cool underwear from the late 70's, ya know? The kind that's more like string with tissue attached? Yeah. Sexy. And the ending is EXCELLENT BAD-ASS MEGA-HAPPY. Other than that, it's mearly ok.

     On to "Last House on the Left." It's creepy. There's no "best rape scene" category in the Oskar's. This is the earliest rape scene in a movie I can remember, which would be a lanmark of sorts. Whatever. Rape scenes aren't funny. If they kept slipping on bananna peels, that may have made me laugh. As it is, I only laughed at the scene where the guy got electrocuted by the rug. Boy, if I had a dime for every time that happened to me...

     "The Omen." That dude is a son of a bitch. Literally. That's cool. Gregory Peck, David Warner, great actors. Not just saying that cause I'm drunk. I mean that, guys. Great death scenes, too. "It's all for you, Damien! It's all for you!"

     "Dr. Giggles." That just sucks. Larry Drake is great, but he sucks as a doctor.

     "The Exorcist III" was cool. Those scissors were big. Great big scissors are cool. That game, "Clock Tower," is great.

     "Prom Night." The last 45 minutes of it were cool! Badass with a capital "ASS!"

     "Prince of Darkness" was some cool Carpenter goins-on. Dennis Dunn did not perform one jump-kick. Hey, Donald Plesance as...a DOCTOR! Again. Homeless people are scary enough without the devil backing them.

     "Darkman 2" bites my blue ass.

     ...Colebot is making his new house out of video tapes. He can't figure out why he can't fit inside his own house...

     There was "Re-Animator." That's supposed to be a classic, but all I noticed was the severed head professor ond the blatant rip-off of "Psycho"'s theme music...That severed hear professor was pretty cool, though...

     "Police Academy" was great. Kim Catrell...Yummmmmmmm...Sheeeeeit, she's a hottie, now and forevermore. Michael Winslow: Braaaaaaapratatatatatatatatatat! (robot sounds)

     Think I'll pass out now...

                           -DJEvil