Author: Eggy Weg
Rating: Lets say the highest just in case, I don't know the rating
system. There is talk of death and suicide and stuff.
Classification: Angst
Spoilers: Need to know
Archive: What's mine is yours
Feedback: Good and Bad
Summary: Harms panic
Disclaimer: They ain't mine
Harm awoke in a sitting position, his head on the kitchen table. It took a while for his eyes to focus properly, then confusion took over `where the hell am I'. Standing up and stretching his back the events of the previous night came flooding back to him. He hadn't dared to venture out side the kitchen. He had sat waiting for the crying to stop for a good three hours before he had fallen to sleep. He looked out of the window to the rising sun and he couldn't help but know this was the calm before the storm.
He walked out of the kitchen to see if anybody wanted some coffee, he knew Mac would have a hard time coping without it. She was asleep against the wall but Clay was nowhere to be seen. He started to get nervous and he decide to search the house. Quickly scanning each room and moving on. This was it the last room in the house. He knocked on the door "Clay are you in there" he whispered not wanting to wake him if he had fallen to sleep. Opening the door he entered slowly "Clay". He saw a door open on the other side of the room and went to investigate.
He sighed in relief when he saw Clay was there but there was still a nibbling feeling at the back of his head. He stepped inside to see Clay with his back to him staring distantly into the mirror. It was obvious he had just come out of the shower, he was clean shaven and dressed only in trousers. Harms eyes widened he could see clearly see his back. He gasped, it was covered in bruises. `what happened? And why didn't he say anything.' He noticed his arms the bruises were in the shape of hands, and darker ones were circling his wrists. Then some light caught Harm eyes, it was reflecting off the razor that Clay still held hands.
"Clay" his head snapped up and there eyes connected through the reflection in the mirror. Clay raised his eyebrows questioningly. He had heard Harm enter but there was nothing he could do but stand there and let him look.
"Give me the razor" he didn't move just stared at him. "Clay please"
"Don't worry I'm not going to kill myself" he sighed. He dropped it into the sink and his shoulders sagged "I wanted too" he confessed breaking eye contact and lowering his head.
"Clay?" Harm walked to him resting his hand on his shoulder. It was then Harm looked down and noticed the blood at his feet. Panic taking over he roughly spun Clay around causing him to wince in pain.
"Jesus" Harm shuddered. There was a large, partly healed gash across his stomach blood escaping from it. Clay closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing.
Exhausted he had passed out in Mac's arms. It was a restless sleep and it didn't last long before the memories took over. He awoke with the fear paralysing his body. He looked around the room confused, all the furniture was standing upright. He vaguely remembered Harm moving stuff but he hadn't really being paying much attention. He didn't really care what was going on he just wanted rid of the blood. He moved to stand up his abdomen starting to hurt. Looking down he saw Macs arms still clung tightly around him even in sleep. He carefully manoeuvred out of her grip and went to the kitchen to make a coffee. `Great Harms still here too' he sighed kicking himself. He had been so close to getting rid of them. He should have never looked at Mac. Stretching up to open the cup cupboard really hurt. His hand automatically flew to his stomach it felt wet and sticky. Looking down he saw that blood was seeping through his shirt. He quickly looked to Harm, he was still a sleep `thank god'. He quickly but quietly made his way out of the kitchen and to the bathroom, careful not to wake Mac up.
He carefully unbuttoned his shirt, looking down to see what damage had been caused. It seemed the wound was never going to heel no matter how careful he was the stitch's always ripped. Forcing the memories out of his head. He set the shower running and climbed in. He wanted to cry again but there were no tears left, just a nasty headache in their place. Washing the blood away he got a better look, it wasn't as bad as it seemed just the two stitch's this time.
Rubbing his hand across his face he decided it could wait until he had shaved. Climbing out he realised how cold it was and put on some trousers. He looked himself in the eye while shaving and he hated what he saw. He was ready to end it all there and then, the only thing that stopped him was knowing a friend would find his body. He knew what it was like to see dead body of a friend it was horrific, heart wrenching, and worse still it burnt its way into your memory. It was at that thought that Harm walked in.
Knowing they would be leaving soon he didn't want them to hate him.
"You see it is red" he said looking at the blood. Then he stared into Harm eyes and let his fear show "if you remember one thing about me Harm, please let it be that"
"you said you weren't going to kill yourself" Harm questioned not knowing what else to do. Something was really wrong with Clay.
"I'm not" he stated "I…I…it's just better that you leave" he stammered.
"Why do you want me too leave Clay, do you hate me that much?" He asked not believing him. He wasn't going to leave even if he had to guilt trip him into letting him stay. He was in no condition to be left alone.
"I don't hate you Harm. I just, I cant do this" he pinch the bridge of his nose.
"Do what Clay?" He urged him on, he was having a hard time understanding what was going on. "Tell me. Let me help"
"Sorry" it was the only thing left to say. He knew he wanted an explanation he was afraid to tell him, but it was the only way they would leave. `they're going to hate me' he didn't think he could cope with the rejection but at least they would be safe.
Harm could see him shutting himself off "Don't do this Clay"
"I have too… you don't understand…you couldn't" He was struggling to find the words
"Try me" he gently quizzed
"NO" he shouted "WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST LEAVE?" he pushed Harm back and walked into the bedroom. Opening draws and throwing their contents around until he found a first aid kit. Clay's anger was really starting to scare him, Clay was usually so in control of everything. He followed him into the bedroom
"Because you're a friend and you needed, you need someone." He said deciding honesty was the best policy. "Let me help" He tried to get the first aid kit of him.
"Back off Harm" he warned. They were not going to stay today, he would make sure of that. Even if it meant telling them. His knees buckled at the thought and he quickly sat on the bed "Please, don't make me tell you" he quietly begged his voice cracking.
"Will you tell Mac?" He asked at a loss of what to do. At that he went pale and shook his head no. "You have to tell someone" He said taking the first aid kit out of his now loose grip. Getting him to lay down so he could see it more easily.
"I have" Clay winced as Harm started cleaning the wound.
"A friend?"
"A colleague"
"The person who found you" Clay looked up at him shocked. So shocked he didn't seem to notice the stitch go in.
"Look Clay I'm no expert on this and I certainly haven't had any experience. But I know what your job entails and from the marks on you, I'm guessing ...you were caught and tortured." He waited for a response, none came. Looking up he noticed his eyes were shiny with tears. That was response enough. "You need to talk to someone properly about this. Clay. A friend. Someone who will be there for you, during and after" he tied off the stitch and looked at him. "will you let me help you?"
"You'll hate me, and…. I don't think I can cope with that…. not now" he addmited in a teary voice.
"Well Clay I'm not going anywhere buddy. Im afraid your stuck with me."
"And me" Mac said from the doorway, where she had been listening.
~~~~TBC~~~~