Author: Eggy Weg
Rating: The highest just in case
Classification: Angst
Spoilers: Need to know
Archive: Yeah, What's mine is yours
Feedback: Good and Bad
Summary: The moment of truth
Disclaimer: They aren't mine
She looked across at Clay he was smiling for the first time since his dad had went missing almost a year earlier. It was good to see him smile again. Then looking towards her mothers frowning face she had second thoughts and started lowering her arm. Turning her head she saw Clay his hands full of peas, that playful glint back in his eyes. She knew she would have to act now or be covered in them. Running past the other kids she hid behind the first grown up she could find and flung the mashed potato towards him. He wasn't going to win this time. She never fought back always afraid of the punishment she would get. But he was smiling again and if she could make his happiness last a second longer it was worth it. It worked Clays laughing got louder.
"Jack Neville Thompson" Her mother shouted in a warning tone `Uh oh I'm in big trouble'. Peeking from behind the chair she saw what Clay was laughing at. It had hit Mr Kennedy right in the face. `BIG BIG trouble' she thought as her mother was dragging her out of the room. She and Clay sat there listening to their mothers talking in the next room. Mrs Webb or Mr Kennedy didn't seem to mind once she apologised but her mom had shouted like crazy sending her into tears.
"Jack I'm sorry, I shouldn't have started that. I just...I hate these dinners." He said looking at the floor a tear falling from his cheek. "They're always telling me how I'm the man of the house now, how brave I am. Like I had a choice… If I did I certainly wouldn't choose this. I didn't mean to get you in trouble"
"I know Clay it alright. Your always getting me into trouble its why I like you." She said putting her arm around him. "The sense of adventure"
"So you'll still be my friend," He asked hopefully.
She smiled holding out her little finger like they did after every argument. "Friends forever"
He smiled linking his finger around it "Friends forever"
He started laughing "It was worth it though wasn't it. Did you see Bobby's face"
Suddenly the walls closed in around them. His laughter turned in to screams of pain. He was looking at her tears streaming down his face "Please Jack I'm sorry. Don't die please"
She wanted to reach out and tell him it was ok remind him of good times, but all her strength was gone. She just lay there in his arms and went to sleep.
Mac awoke with a start, shaking from shock. Hearing shouting coming from upstairs she quickly ran to find out what was going on. Finding them just in time to hear Clay speak his fear. She could never hate him and she had to let him know. Seeing his injuries for the first time she called upon every ounce of her marine training to stop herself from cringing. Walking to them she picked up the bandage and started wrapping it around him. She got a closer look at his injuries it was sickening. She wanted to cry, but that wasn't going to happen. Clay needed to tell them and her crying would only give him an excuse not too.
"Clay I promise you no matter what you have done I won't hate you."
"Yeah well. You say that now" He laughed nervously. "You promise you won't hate me. I mean what if I have done something totally unforgivable"
Macs "I promise anyway" was quickly followed by Harms "we promise anyway"
He scratched the back of his head and studied the carpet "Even though I leave them behind?"
"I have known you were CIA since the day we met. I know you've left people behind. I've known all along and that hasn't stopped me caring about you. I'm still here right." She assured him " it's your job. I don't like what you do" His shoulders slumped, she hated him. A silent tear escaped. She had never seen him look so vulnerable she had to prove to him she wasn't leaving. "But it has to be done. Not many people could do it, I admire the fact that you can."
"Even after all the things I have put you through" He had tested their friendship on many an occasion yet they still stuck around, and he couldn't think of a reason why. But then again he could think of anything past Jack.
"After all the things you have put us through" Harm joined in "and after all the things we've put you through"
"Like getting me sent to Suriname." He said bitterly.
"I'm sorry Clay" He said sincerely "but you're not getting rid of me that easily"
"I hated you for that Harm." It was a simple statement but the words hurt, then again truth always did.
"So did I…. I was wrong. I used you, I'm sorry" Harm said averting his gaze the tears were back again.
"Don't be I'm not" Harm just stared at him wondering what was going on. Clay just shook his head.
"That's not why I hated you Harm."
"Then why?" He asked confused.
"Because you didn't do that for me."
"I should have thought about you. I asked you even though I knew it could ruin your career. I should have found a different way, I'm sorry"
"No Harm that not what I meant. I hated you because" he started to laugh this was ridiculous "I hated you because you weren't around earlier to find out how my dad died. Why couldn't have someone done that for me?… And after all that…" He tried to carry on but nothing came out, he was starting to cry again. Mac saw he was starting to tremble and slid her hand into his, she hated seeing him. He looked down at their joined hands the warmth from it spread through his body, calming him. He took some deep breaths and carried on in a firmer voice.
"He had three kids. Kids which are going to grow up without a father. Harm you know what that's like. They'll never know how either. Never know how brave he was. No, to them it will just be one-day daddy went out and he didn't come home… I know what its like, and yet I let them kill him anyway. Three kids they'll be growing up without knowing and its all my fault." He frowned, a distant look in his eyes. "He wasn't even CIA, he didn't even sign up for it."
Harm made no attempt to move the last thing Clay needed was abandonment. He had promised he wouldn't leave and he meant it. He looked across to Mac, not knowing what to say, "Whatever happened Clay it's not your fault. I know that you wouldn't let someone die without damn good reason"
"Tell them that, I'm sure it will help with the pain" He said bitterly pulling his hand from hers. "All I had to do was say a few words"
"Clay you couldn't tell them. They would hav"
"No" He stopped her mid sentence, his hands over his ears.
"No?"
"No" He started shaking his head `no' "Clay" She tried to touch his arm but he shrugged her off he was starting to scare her.
"NO" He stood up and yelled at them "YOU'RE MEANT TO LEAVE" He pushed the books off his bedside cabinet in a pathetic attempt to release some tension. It didn't work; it seemed he was failing at everything nowadays. He dropped into the chair he put his head in his hands. " Hate me. Don't stay." Closing his eyes he remembered the last two weeks only too vividly. There were no words to describe the torment of it all. Sickening, Brutal, Horrific, they all seemed so tame compared to the reality off it all. He wasn't going to put them through it too.
"Clay we are not leaving. You can tell us" Harm asked it was impossible to get information out of this spy but he had to try. After seeing that mood swing he decided to push him for the answers now rather than make him go through this again once he had calmed down. Clay needed to get this off his chest it was destroying him. "What happened"
He laughed "You go straight for the hard questions don't you" Harm just nodded determined to get answers. He could still hear Clays `I wanted to' whirling around his head. This had to be sorted out now before it was to late. What ever happened he wasn't going to let him go through it alone, and he wasn't going to back down.
"I have a lot of secrets. Some people would do anything to get them."
"What did they do?"
"Knocked on the door…Can you believe it?" His leg was now bouncing with nervous energy. "We never saw it coming. One minute we were sat watching the match the next he's screaming for his life…begging to die" He stopped to calm his breathing. They made no attempt to interrupt. "You know you two are the closet friends I have made since joining the agency. I always kept everyone at a distance you know, just in case. I got the heartless spy down perfectly didn't I. But I couldn't get him to leave. I...I... I didn't want him too, so I just ignored it. Figured it wouldn't happen. Biggest mistake of my life…I got my best friend of thirty years killed just because I wouldn't name a few locations" He groaned trying to keep the tears in.
"Clay" Mac pulled him into a hug "you know they would have killed you anyway"
"At least he wouldn't have had to suffer"
"It's not your fault Clay."
"So you saying if he had never met me. He, a surgeon would have been tortured to death for national secrets?"
"Did he know you were CIA?" he nodded
"We know you're a spy, we know the risks. I'm sure he did too. You're a friend, it maybe dangerous at times but it's a risk were willing to take" she stated. Harm nodded in agreement.
"Well I'm not. I watched a friend die, because of me" Harm tried to correct him but he did it himself. "Because of my job. I never want to go through that again. I probably don't have the job anymore but I still have secrets" He looked up at them through blurry eyes and quietly begged "Please don't make me watch you die too"
~~~TBC~~~