Chapter 1: Nimrodel was Bored
 
 

Just another day at Tolkien Movie’s message board The White Council…

Nimrodel was bored. The Fellowship of the Ring had come out and it was a full eight months until The Two Towers release. The message board was slowing down, teenyboppers were overtaking the drooling threads, and she was beginning to wonder if she was the only one older than Orli who still fancied him. Her boredom ended though when Saffron came to the rescue and declared she too was feeling out of place. The two Orlando fanciers in the middle of an age-crisis then began discussing plans to go woo their actor on set in Australia.

They packed up stun guns, lassos, the Field Guide for Capturing Your Favorite Performer, sun tan lotion, sunglasses, seedcakes, and emergency supplies  of strawberry shampoo. But as they headed out the door, Tadandader Halfelven went sprinting after them.

“Wait!” Tadan called. “Why are we going to Australia?”

“Orli’s filming there now!” Nimrodel answered. “Are you coming?”

“Wouldn’t it be better to go to Middle-earth and hunt elves there?”

And the elf hunt was born.

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Nimrodel's Very Secret Diary of a Pervy Elf Fancier (VSDPEF)

 Day 1
 Successfully completed "Capture and Restraint of Wild Sindarin Elves" course. Tired of lassoing cardboard cut outs. Ready for real thing.

Day 2
Is official! Have gathered several PEFs for operation "Elf Hunt Down Under" All v. excited. Got little carried away with the strawberry bath and hair products, though. At least will all smell good.

Day 3
Have packed all bath products, implements of restraints, and lots of Miruvor (that's Australian for Beer)

Day 4
Argh! Saw pic of Orlando with hand on blond starlet's butt!
Stupid starlet.

Day 5
Have decided to use Tadandader as bait since Orli seems to fancy pretty blonds...(will educate him on advantages of petite brunettes after capture, heh, heh)
Informed rest of co. not to tell Tadan, as she is still carrying torch for Hugo...
Will make it up to her later.

Day 6
Asked to borrow Smeagol from Smeagol Wardens to deal with aforementioned starlets. Had evil fantasy of dead fish down front of slinky black dress...

Day 7
Permission granted from Smeagol Wardens as long as he travels via Kennel Cab.
Fine.
Will tell customs he is exotic hairless cat.

Day 8
Tried to convince employer to expense expedition Down Under as AM the Koala keeper...told to see therapist, sent to Human Resources.

Afraid to mention Saffron's pretty white jackets.

Day 9
We are off! First stop, Silmarien's Hunk Hunting Supplies....

Go us!
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“Now wait a minute,” Tadandader announced. “What’s this about using me for bait, Nimrodel?”

“Uh, oops. Busted,” Nimrodel muttered. “It's ok honey, I promise to get you your elf as soon as I can track him down.” She glared at rest of company until they were all nodding heads in vigorous agreement

Tadan grined. “I’m the only one who really likes that particular Elf Lord, so I don’t have to fight for him. Okay Nim, I’ll be your bait if we catch Elrond first.”

Lizard chose that moment to bound in in typical Lizard fashion with,  “Let me see... I just got my elf-hunting supplies... Do elves prefer Pantene or Thermasilk? Did you guys buy up all the strawberry bubble bath? All I could find was lilac.  Also, I was torn between a Robin Hood costume and a camouflage number for the actual stalking. I look terrible in camouflage... Does nothing for my complexion. I opted for forester's costume, instead. Anything else I need?”

The hunt quickly grew in size, and word spred rapidly to other elf fanciers. Nimrodel, Tadan, Lizard, and Saffron were soon joined by Undomiel, Mariana, and Tinuviel. The hunters, having now set up camp in Middle-earth, sat around the campfire and discussed their plans.

“So how does one start an elf-hunting expedition?” Lizard asked to no one in particular, musing to herself as usual. “On foot? In jeeps? With traps? With sleep darts? Surround them? Pair off one human to one elf? Is there a book I can read on the subject? Like, Idiots Guide to Foxy Elf Hunting?”

“Here's my idea,” Luinearatowen, the newest arrival, leaned forward and drew a diagram in the dirt with a stick. “You start by propping a VERY large box with a very large stick. You then put a nice big bottle of strawberry bubble bath under it and wait for a particular Elf to wander by. when he goes for the bubble  bath, you yank the stick out and the box falls on top of the Elf, capturing him neatly.” She looked up with a triumphant grin on her face.

Tinuviel sighed and shook her head. “Ahh, if only it were that easy, Luin.”

Lizard leapt up and ran off into the forest. The other hunters looked at each other in confusion and then a voice crackled, “Lizard here, ready to provide back-up to elf hunters.”

“A walkie-talkie!” Saffron exclaimed, picking it up near the log on which Lizard had been sitting.

“Wait! I think I hear the distinctive splashing of bubble bath water in the distance,” Lizard’s voice crackled. The hunters all jump up and eagerly crowd around the walkie-talkie. “I'm going in for a closer look,” Lizard announces. “Oh good grief! Is that Samwise? Really, is Frodo THAT dirty?”

The hunters groaned and returned to their seats to resume planning. Lizard’s voice continued in a staticy mumble. “Darn hobbits. Cute, but sometimes irritating...”

As the planning continued at Hunter Central, Lizard walked on dejectedly and mumbled to herself. “I'm going to put some shiny hair pins in a trap and sit behind a bush to see what bites... After all, the whole loose hair with a few decorative braids thing can't go on forever. It's starting to seem SO five minutes ago….

“No, wait. These pins are rhinestone, not diamond. The only elf who came within the limits of my feeble human vision scoffed and muttered something like, ‘Ewww, tacky.’ Drat! I'm going to have to go with the bubble bath. I hope that Sam doesn't get to it instead of a nice, leggy, fine-boned elf.” She sighed and headed back to the hunter camp.

Minutes later Haldir and Orophin strood across the area where Lizard stood. Haldir stopped short and bent down, looking at something.

“Hey!” He exclaimed. “These hair pins will match my new tunic perfectly!” He put the pins in his hair and smiled proudly.

Orophin just rolled his eyes and sighed, begging Eru to give him the patience to put up with his brother for the rest of eternity.
 

Back in camp, Saffron was doodling in the dirt when another inspiration hit.

“Hey!” she exclaimed. The hunters, by now used to periodic hey!s followed by a so-called bright idea on how to capture elves, ignored her. “Hey!” she said again and they looked up this time. “You all remember the Very Secret Diaries that we read? We should write our own to tell the story of the hunt!”

“Duh,” Nimrodel rolled her eyes, “I already thought of that. NOW it catches on."

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Very Secret Diary of a Pervy Elf Fancier (VSDPEF)
Saffron Piskie
Day 1

Spent first night in middle of bush as could not figure out how to put up tent! Did not sleep a wink, too many weird insects crawling around. Already seem to have lost contact with other Elf-Hunters, feel very alone, cannot figure out how to work walkie-talkie either. Hope new recruits of Elf-Hunters join in hunt soon. Also am very lost as decided to leave map at home so I could fit one more bottle of strawberry shampoo in backpack. Thought I saw Elf last night but realized it was a Kangaroo. Already eaten Seed cake, would kill for a cup of tea.

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VSDPEF- MarianaMellon
Day 1

Yesterday I was watching Big Cat Diary (hehehe) on Animal Planet, and I saw a leopard jumping amazingly to catch a rabbit. Now that's what I wanna do to catch my elf!

Just had this idea of opening a beauty salon. All those who have pointy ears get 90% off. Today an old man came in, wanting to straighten his hair "for a great return" he said. I told him he would have to pay full cause the discount was for pointy ears only, not pointy hats. He said obscene words (shame on him). I think I might put an ad in the "Elf-lovers Times".
GO US, elf-lovers!

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Day 1

I'm worried about overcoming the super human vision, etc. I was going to bring night vision goggles, but they do that crimping thing to the back of my hair when I wear them, so I just couldn't. And then I was thinking of bringing binoculars, but they make me look so- so- BUG EYED. Ugh. The beauty salon was a good idea, though. I've reopened my Banana Republic a ways down... Business hasn't been good. I'm so tired of Arwen complaining that nothing is in her size. And even though I had all the colors covered, Galadriel came in yesterday and said I had callously neglected "iridescent glowing white." "What else do you expect me to wear?" she demanded. Honestly, I don't care... I'm not in it for the FEMALE elves, thanks much. Where, oh where, is Legolas?!?!? I've got his forester's costume here in the loveliest Egyptian cotton!!!

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VSDPEF- Undomiel9
April 10 -- Morning

Got ready to go on elf-hunting expedition. Had to buy new boots, though. Old ones were very un-pretty. New ones wonderful. Got them at a bargain price, too. (Can't tell Daddy, though. He may not think the price was such a bargain.)

Have much strawberry scented everything! Rope and blade, too. Ready to hunt some elf! Met up with Tinuviel, Nimrodel, Tadandader, Saffron, and Lizard. Mariana came a little while later.

April 10 -- Afternoon

Elf-Hunting is harder than I thought. Whilst on the trail of a very nice looking elf, I tripped and fell into a mudhole! So not elf-like! Cutie elf turned around and laughed. Not Happy!
Fear I may get similar reactions from other elf-hunters.

April 10 -- Evening

It's official . . . have made a fool of myself in front of fellow elf-hunters. Must not let this deter me, though. Have committed myself to mission, and will not give up! Go me . . . and us!!

(Not to mention, no cutie elf yet!)

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Day 2

Am growing disheartened... Am *gag* SWEATY. Am speaking again in abbreviated sentences. Need help. BIG smudge on forester's costume from chasing Arwen out of the Banana Republic. Am horrified. Need good detergent. Think some ring wraiths ran in and were shoplifting while I was away. Very irritated. Took entire stock of black cloaks. Also a pink cloak missing. Am worried about ring wraiths.

Had to stop and eat rations on long trek back to store... Can only carry so much escargot and filet mignon in one backpack... May need to... order take-out.... How's the Hobbit food in this region?

Am... losing... faith... Am... still... speaking... in... weird... way... If I start referring to myself in the third person, it's time to put me down.

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VSDPEF- Undomiel9
April 11 -- Morning

A little tired. Couldn't get much sleep, what with all those woodland creatures running around camp, looking for my strawberry scented stuff! I finally built a fire, and they went away. Go Me! (Very upset, however . . . while starting the fire, the hem of my sleeve went up in flames . . . and that was my favorite shirt. Once again, so not elf-like!)

Have decided to resume hunt, though. The day looks to be promising. The sun is shining and looks clear . . . good to have light for these sorts of things you know.

Worrying about Lizard. The poor girl is taking this rather hard. Apparently her Banana Republic is not doing well. So sad, as I loved Banana Republic! (They have the best clothes!)

Also a little worried about Nimrodel, as she seemed upset when she found her Human husband's diary. I keep telling her not to worry about it, and that immortal elves are much better anyway. (Dated a human once . . . BIG mistake. BIG BIG mistake.)

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VSDPEF- Nimrodel
April 11-afternoon

Uh oh, Pervy Elf Hunters starting to sound exhausted and dirty. Running low on strawberry bath products, may have to switch to kiwi. Hmmm....might be going about this wrong way. Maybe can catch more elves with marshmallow creme..., etc.

I know! Will have big party at pre-designated government sanctified beautiful clearing in national forest.
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com