Chapter 2: A Party to Lure the Elves
 
 

“All right everyone, pay attention! All hunters, focus here!” Nimrodel stood up on a box of strawberry bubble bath so that her head was at least on level with everyone else’s. She claped her hands and announced, “We’re going to have a party to get some elves over here! Tadan, you’re in charge of lembas hors d’euvres. Undomiel and Tin, go find some Miruvor, we can’t have a party without that!”

“Ooh!” Lizard exclaimed. “I’ll bring my Banana Republic merchandise for a huge sidewalk… uh, dirtpath sale!”

 “Good,” Nimrodel continued. “Mariana, you’re taking over security and hairstyling. I’m going to hire ringwraiths as bouncers as they’ve agreed to work for a cut and blow dry. I’ve also booked the Australian Mary Kay lady. And a free makeover for whoever wins the archery contest!”

The hunters cheered and dispersed, ready to start preparations for the first (and by no means the last) Elf Hunter party.

“Look,” Mariana tore open a letter as the hunters go about their business. “Fan mail already! Let’s see if I can answer this…”

Dear Hunters:

What do you use for bait?

“Each elf-hunter has her own strategies. Mine is the super discount I'm offering at the beauty salon .”

What is the best time of day to look for elves?

“Every hour of the day. sleep with one eye open.”

What are you guys going to do to the elves once you catch them?

“Uh…” Mariana scratches her head and thinks for a moment before writing with a flourish:

*censured*

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VSDPEF- Undomiel9
April 11 -- Mid - Morning

Have now gone from elf-hunting to Miruvoir hunting. It seems like everyone from Rivendell to Lorien has decided to have a party, and I haven't been able to find a single keg. Maybe I am going to the wrong places. After all, I was in a human store. When I showed up and asked for a keg of Miruvoir, the man at the counter looked at me quite strangely. (You'd think he'd never seen an elf or heard of Miruvoir, for Elbereth's sake.)

On another unfortunate note . . . ran into human-ex at store. Reaffirmed my decision to break up with him, as he is still grumbling something about not being king. Not entirely sure, as I wasn't completely paying attention. Spotted an elf worth hunting outside while he was rambling. Made up excuse about "a friend waiting in the car" to get away from him. Was very impressed with my quick thinking for once. GO ME!!!

Off to find that Keg. I do hope Tinuviel is having better luck.

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VSDPEF- Saffron Piskie
Day 2

Finally caught up with rest of Elf-Hunters. Chucked walkie-talkie in river with disgust. Am sulking now because am only one in dirty camouflage gear, others dressed so pretty. Laughed myself silly when Undomiel caught sleeve of nice clothes alight while starting fire. At least my hair is clean but have no more shampoo left to catch Elves with. Must sneak into Banana Republic and 'borrow' nice clothes.

Found keg of Miruvoir floating down river, pulled out drunken Dwarf and tossed him aside ... think there is enough left in there for us to party with. Saw Elf hiding in tree but big black dangling spider landed on shoulder ..... last thing I saw was the sky. When woke up, no Elf in sight but lots of drunken Elf Hunters around making no sense at all!
Still haven't had a cup of tea.

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Day 2

Have collected Banana Republic wares for Dirt Path Sale. Have decided to retitle it "Charmingly Rustic Outdoor Sale." Elves would rebell at word "Dirt," otherwise, and not come. Am missing cute outfit... Thought I saw Saffron sneaking away, whistling innocently. Not worried. Have ordered extras just in case.

Have set out lovely forester costumes in all shades, along with some very charming peasant shirts. The boots are to die for! Already being harassed by Elrond as I carry the next load of boots over. No, I do not have them in purple. I probably should capture him for the good of the Elrond-addicts out there. Drat it, my arms are full!

Hobbit runs by, giggling madly. Has stolen pair of capri pants in a size 0/petite, cackling, "Finally, pants that fit! They're mine, I tell you! Miiiiiiiiiiine!!!" Did not know hobbits liked Banana Republic. Why does no one here pay?

Just realized am still speaking like dork. Switching over now... Ahem. Ok, I'm speaking normally. So, when does the party plan start?

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“Hello!” A young hunter holding a Geiger counter in one hand and a bunson burner in the other popped her head out of the bushes. Undomiel and Tinuviel, occupied nearby  with their plans for Murivour, shrieked and gave her a strange look. “I’m Tinuvie!” The newcomer announced. “What are you doing?”

“Hello Tinuvie!” Undomiel was the first to recover. “We’re hunting elves! In all honesty, I think that it is something that we came up with to stave off boredom. Come on over and help us out!”

“Hey Tinuvie!” Tinuviel added in. “Wow, Tinuvie and Tinuviel...this could get very complicated... As for what's going on here, well, that's a question for the ages…”

“I’m not very well prepared.” Tinuvie looked down sadly at her chemical equipment. “Although,” she fished some shiny clips out of her pocket. “Will these help?”

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VSDPEF- Undomiel9
April 11 -- Afternoon

Ooh! Just heard about the sale at Lizard's Banana Republic! Must go, as to replace the shirt that caught fire yesterday. (Strongly suspect Saffron of laughing at me about that while I wasn't looking . . . oh, well. )

Went to the sale! Found a lot of new things. Hopefully no one will notice the extremely high charge bill that will arrive later in the month. Unfortunately, Lizard did not have the shirt I wanted, but found another that was just as pretty. Go Me!

I am beginning to think that human-ex is stalking me. He showed up at the sale today while I was there. He does not even like Banana Republic. Always made fun of me when I wore their clothes. Told me to go to the Gap more often. He is still muttering about not being King yet. Just wish he would go away. Three words . . . get over it!

Still Miruvoir hunting. Do not know what is wrong with humans! No one has any. Will not give up!

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VSDPEF- Tinuviel80
April 11

 Have tried every cold beer and wine store in the area, and still no luck with the Miruvoir. Exhausted, I sat down by the river, and to my surprise there was a barrel being washed down by the rapids! I immediately recognized the elvish branding of Miruvoir. Excited beyond believe I flung my self into the river, only to completely miss the barrel by several yards. Now I'm wet and Miruvoir-less. *sigh*

I hope Undomiel is having better luck than I am.

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Day 2 (still)

Have yet to attract elves to Banana Republic. Decided to mark prices down. Managed to attract preppy humans. Shooed them away, as I am afraid they will make a move on our elves once they show.

Have noticed in passing that Gondor thread is slipping. Felt bad, sent over bubble bath. Maybe if they washed that Aragon up, he'd be ALMOST as foxy as Legolas. He is dangerously close to it in some of those pics... Then realized that was the last of my strawberry bubble bath. Am now thwacking head against tree. Tree told me to stop. Am now frightened. Am fleeing to hobbit hole gym... Will be back. Someone make sure the hobbits stay OUT of the capri pants.

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VSDPEF- Saffron Piskie
Day 2

Oops, forgot to leave IOU note in place of 'borrowed' cute outfit from Banana Republic .... think Lizard noticed me, now feel very guilty. Newbie Elf lover, tinuvie, has joined the hunt with lots of super pretty hair clips for luring Elves ... good girl Undomiel's Ex proving to be a problem, might have to consider bringing in Boromir as sword swinging protector, not sure if manly men lovers will loan him to us.

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VSDPEF- tinuvie1
Day 2

Oh,no. Tried to make elf-trap on tree with rope and somehow ended up hanging upside-down by one foot from branch. Spring too powerful. A few elves just passed, but didn't appear to see me. Good, as situation very embarrassing. Bad, as still stuck in tree. Gnnnn .Can't even reach my bag. I hope the others are having more luck.

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“All right, check in!” Nimrodel called out. “Lizard, status on Banana Republic?”

“Stupid humans,” Lizard muttered. “I’m doing a mark down. And I’m out of bubble bath. And stupid Elf Lord came in and demanded more purple. I only HAVE seven shades!”

“Right. Tadan?”

“I’ve started a stable with lembas hors d’euvres for the opening ceremony. What's this about Elrond, Lizard?”

“Undomiel?” Nimrodel ran down the list.

“Can someone get my ex off my back? I don’t need a human stalker right now.”

“Tin, any luck with the Miruvoir?” Nimrodel peered over her clipboard. “You look a little wet there.”

“Don’t ask,” Tinuviel grumbled.

“Saffron?” Nimrodel asked.

“Undomiel, your sleeve is on fire again.” Saffron said for an answer.

“What!” Undomiel looked up in surprise just as Tadan grabbed a bucket of water and doused her. “Thank you,” she said stiffly, looking at her ruined shirt.

“Are we getting anywhere?” Nimrodel threw down the clipboard in exasperation.

“Where’s tinuvie?” Undomiel asked.

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VSDPEF- Tadandader HalfElven
April 11th

Am very frustrated as Lizard just mentioned Elrond harrassing her and forgot to call me. Tried to set her sleeve on fire and missed. Hummin nonchalantly, hoping that Undomiel doesn't notice. I replaced her shirt, though, the new one is lying on her sleeping bag. I hope she isn't mad. On plus side, Elrohir showed up at party where I was serving Lembas hors d'euvres. He said he could put me in touch with his father.

Have also opened a fine stable, where you can buy horses that are extremely beautiful. Hope to lure in more Elves that way.

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VSDPEF- Undomiel9
April 11 -- Midafternoon

Managed to get rid of that pesky ex of mine . . . threw a crown into the woods around Lizard's shop. He'll be hunting for it for ages, what with my pitching. And he doesn't even know that it's not a crown of Gondor. Go me!

Saffron mentioned bringing in Steward Boromir for protection. Definitely not opposed to the idea. Why hadn't I thought of that? Oh, well.

Slightly perturbed . . . Tadandader set my other sleeve on fire. Although, she did replace it with a pretty shirt from Banana Republic, so I can't be too mad.

Tinuvie managed to get herself stuck in a tree on her first day out. I found her on the way back from Lizard's shop. Almost laughed at her plight, but then realized how easily that could have been me, and decided to help her down instead. Poor girl, got a head rush from standing upright after being upside down for so long. (and who says you need Miruvoir for that?)

Have considered brewing own Miruvoir. I found a recipe in the kitchen, and have all the ingredients. It's no keg, but I hope it will do. (Maybe Tinuviel has found something.)

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VSDPEF- Tadandader HalfElven
April 11th, midafternoon

I think Undomiel has forgiven me. At least, she wore the new shirt today. My first day at the stable was rather uneventful, except for some human who came by looking for a crown. I'm starting to think he might be Undomiel's ex. He's cute, but not nearly as hot as Elrond.

Am now setting a trap by the stalls of my pure white horses. It is voice activated, and if anyone speaks in Elvish, a net falls down on top of them. Feeling very clever today.

Was very surprised when a very tipsy Tinuvie and Undomiel came into camp. I'm not sure if they could walk in straight lines if their lives depended on it.

Feeling a bit blue. We've been out here for a while now, and while we've seen plenty of Elves, still don't have any. And no one has even seen Legolas yet.

Still peeved at Lizard. Have installed my cell number on her speed-dial. That way, if Elrond comes over, she can just hit a button and I'll know.

Must go attend my horses and check my trap. Be back later. Go Us!

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VSDPEF- Undomiel9
April 11 -- later afternoon

Miruvoir brewing a success!!! Made many, many pints. Tried a little, too. Really quite good. Tinuvie helped. Go us! Planning on bringing it to the party tonight.

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“Hello.” Tinuvie and Undomiel jumped at the unexpected voice and looked to see a very tall, very blonde elf standing behind them.

“Hello,” they replyed, unsure of what to do now that a very real elf was standing a few feet away.

“I’m Glorfindel,” the elf told them. “I heard you two discussing how to make Miruvoir and came over to talk. Uh, you've got a bit of drool... right there.” He looked at Undomiel and motioned to a spot on his chin. Undomiel, shocked out of her stupor, wiped her mouth and turned an interesting shade of red.

“Wow, maybe you can help us then!” Tinuvie exclaimed. “I think we added too much water to the mix, but it seemed to turn out well.”

“You certainly made enough of it.” Glorfindel smileed and peered in the cauldron.

Undomiel chose that moment to back up a bit for a better view of the Elf Lord and tripped right over the ladle, falling backwards with a splash into the river. She surfaced, sputtering and quite embarrassed as both Tinuvie and Hot Elf Glorfindel were laughing so hard they had tears running down their faces. Bending over in laughter, Glorfindel retreated without a word into the trees as Tinuvie rushed forward to help Undomiel out of the water.

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VSDPEF- Tinuviel80
April 11: Afternoon.

To get out of wet clothes decided to head out to Banana Republic. Once was happily dressed in new skirt and blouse, headed off again. I heard laughter near the river and walked that way, thinking maybe an elf had fallen in. Nope, but Undomiel had. I noticed a tallish elf with a strange glow around him, for some reason crying...poor lad...coming out of the clearing. Ai! The time had come! Quickly I scooted up a nearby tree. As he walked by, I leapt onto his back. The elf continued to run in circles screaming "Get it off me! Get it off me!" Being offended at being called "it", I let my grip loosen, and in that moment of weakness the elf vanished...*sigh* So close, yet so far...

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Dejectedly, the hunters returned one by one to their camp and waited for the reports of the others. Lizard walked over to plop down on a log and moan about her hobbit-sized personal trainer trying to kill her. Undomiel returned soaking wet and muttering about Glorfindel, then discovered to her horror that Tinuviel had let him get away.

"Undomiel!" Mariana shrieked, pulling her off of Tinuviel. "Don't kill her! Don't... Hey! Don't you use your karate on me girl!"

"Did anyone catch anything?" Saffron asked in despari, sinking down to sit next to Lizard. Suddenly, she froze. "Does anyone hear that?"

The hunters looked up, straining their ears, as the sound of hooves pounded in the distance. Grabbing ropes and lassos they wait in preparation. An elf on a white horse broke though the trees to ride up to them, but the hopeful hunters groaned and fell back onto their logs. It was a female elf.

“Hello! I’m El luitha uren!" Luitha suddenly realized that the hunters weren't really paying attention. "Can I... uh, help? Things are getting dull in my manly men thread. Tadan and I,” Luitha shoots Tadan a grin and fingers the Lembas Launcher hanging at her side, “are friends now, so I figured I could be nice and help her. I can resupply you when you need it!”

Luitha pulled her saddlebags forward and handed out fresh lembas, strawberry bubble bath, some nice hair accessories, and many many mirrors.

“I've heard those help catch elves. Need anything else?”

“You’re a Pervy Man Fancier?” Undomiel looked at her in surprise.

“She’s okay, you can trust her,” Tadan replied. “She’s stuck on dirty Rangers. I think she’s just here to laugh at us.”

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Day 2 (still)

Back from the hobbit hole. Short and belliegerent hobbit trainer trying to kill me. Maybe wants elves for self?

Feeling badly for not sounding the alert to Tadan about Elrond. Have ordered purple boots. He WILL be back, I can promise.

Was wandering around the woods on my way back to store when I noticed elf sitting and brushing hair. Long, immaculate hair... butt, as noted in VSD, like granite... LEGOLAS! Stopped a moment to wipe drool from chin, took out contacts to blur his gorgeousness so I don't keel over, and took out stun spell I got from a gumball machine with special prizes in it. Am making ready to throw spell...

Legolas shifts slightly as I wind up, seeing me in his mirror. Grinning, he does not move as I release. Am confused. Why so cocky? Elf is sitting duck, yes?

Stun spell hits mirror, bounces back. Am stunned. Seeming bored, Legolas braids my hair for me before skipping off through the woods. Am reeling from physical contact. Would be stunned without spell. Wait- I recognize that forester’s costume. *howls in fury* He was in the Banana Republic while I was away! Drat and curses and all that junk...

Still stunned and still cursing, I pause to call out a greeting to the new elf hunters. Am surprised and pleased to meet friendly manly-man fancier who has come to aid us. Apparently, we can all just get along. Am willing to admit Aragorn is as cute as Legolas, in different way (elegant vs. chiseled). Just a matter of preference. Feel somewhat crippled by the admission.

Will be stunned for next half hour. Am not happy. Still drooling from elf-encounter, no drool cup, and cannot move hands. Shirt is now icky. Also thinking I hear Ents. This is not good.

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VSDPEF- Undomiel9
April 11 -- dusk

Still confused about Glorfindel. Have no idea why he showed up out of nowhere.

Took Miruvoir to camp for party. Got many strange looks when I showed up soaked. Just said not to ask. Lizard was just standing there, not saying anything. Very odd.

I have a feeling I know why human-ex has been hanging around me so much . . . he is trying to get to the very kind manly-man admirer that just showed up. (Many thanks to her for all her help.) Not quite sure why she hasn't joined the hunt, as she looks to be elven to me. Lizard seems to like ex, too. Not as much as Legolas, but still. Confused, but, to each her own. If either of them want to listen to him mutter about not being king, they can. He's really not that bad of a guy, anyway. But if I HAD to go for a human again, I'd definitely go for steward Boromir. Perhaps Saffron has convinced him to be our guard!

No, no. I am on the hunt for Glorfiindel. Steward Boromir is cute, but Glorfindel is an ELF!

On another note . . . Tadandader seems to be quite upset. Something about missing her Elf Lord while he was here. I don't know. I hope she finds him soon, though.

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Day 2

Am still stunned.  Keep hearing noise... either wild animals come to feast on my delicate flesh or elves snickering and pointing. Either not good. Am getting tired of drool-encrusted shirt.

Fingers now able to wiggle. Now hands moving... Ah! Am free. Running back to the Banana Republic...

OH NO!!!!!!!!

It's been looted! Signs of hobbit festivities having passed through, followed by... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Elf tracks. *sob* They came, they saw, they bought, they left. Quite thoughtfully, they deposited payment in the register.

Why me? Oh, why me? All I want is a nice, cuddly Legolas to pass the time with. Is that asking so very much?

Have picked up last remaining peasant shirt to replace drool shirt. Is two sizes too big. *sigh* I'll never get an elf this way.

Will not be defeated. New shipment coming soon with the purple boots and all... Will draw Elrond irresistibly, am sure.

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VSDPEF- Nimrodel
Day 2

In retrospect, Miruvor may have been bad idea. Party rapidly deteriorated into flame throwing free-for-all with badly dressed hobbit crashers.

*sigh* Go us.

On the plus side, new elf hunters literally falling from the trees.

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VSDPEF- Undomiel9
April 11 -- early evening

Washed my river - dirtied things and was ready just in ttime for the party. Rest of Elf-Hunters not very happy, as neither Tinuviel nor I managed to get Miruvoir. Offered to brew up more, and that was solved. However, this ended in catastrophe. I think I may have gotten the recipe a little confused. Quite possibly was a little strong.

Can't tell, as I had decided not to have any after my incident with Glorfindel, and having the same thing happen again at the party. I have to wash everything again! But many of the elf-hunters walking around looking dazed.

Then the Hobbits showed up. Miruvoir definitely too strong for them. Tinuviel, Nimrodel and I tried to get them to leave, but they wouldn't hear it. Said something about capris and clothes in their size. Am assuming they mean something about Lizard's shop.

Tinuvie and other new elf-hunters doing o.k. May have to call off hunt for tomorrow. I sense that many may be recovering.

Still no Elves to speak of. But we will not give up.

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VSD of a Pervy Man Fancier
El luitha uren
Day 2

Brought Lizard new stuff for new store. Lizard v. happy now as I have brought an entire new wardrobe for her. Shirt impervious to drool. Brought purple cloaks for all elf-hunters, courtesy Lothlorien. Elves like purple v. much.

Galadriel sent request with cloaks- tired of uptight Celeborn and wants Dwarf in return. Told her impossible to distract elf-hunters to look for stupid dwarf. Wants me to go. Told her to go look for dwarf herself- if she lasted 3000 years with Celeborn, she can last another one. Took cloaks, rode off. Stole more lembas on way out. Never liked Grandma much anyway. Go me!

Thinking maybe Undomiel can introduce me to ex. Drooling over thought. Thank Elbereth cloaks are imperious to drool too. Asfaloth getting antsy. Think he feels bad about tracking down fellow elves. Too bad.

Thinking about showing pervy elf-lovers how to really have a good time. Party attempt rather pathetic. Elf-lovers. *snort*

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VSDPEF- Luinearatowen
Day 2

sighted an Elf today, but unfortunately was too busy trying to pull suction-cupped arrow (a la Cupid) from my own forehead to go after it. don't know how I managed to shoot myself in the forehead in the first place. am v. confused....

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Day 2

Am pretty happy. El luitha uren brought a new outfit, nicely drool-proofed, and new stock for store. Manly-man fanciers are handy! Have set out new wares and scrubbed out scent of hobbit feet from floor. Hired ring wraith to guard front door... Wish it wasn't the one that stole that pink cloak earlier. Not his color. Ick.

Am a little bored behind counter. Thinking of hiring extra help. Fell asleep for a while. Had an appropriately pervy elf dream, something of a flashback to the mention of marshmallow that started us off as Pervy Elf Fanciers, if I recall. Not that pervy though. Swam in swimming pool of melted marshmallow, trying to reach Legolas, who was walking lightly over sticky surface and looking smug. Hard to move in marshmallow... who knew? Am worried about self... Diet has gone on too long, perhaps?

Woke up to find ring wraith in backless dress. Was so disgusted, fired ring wraith on the spot. Now am having to stay alert, not wander off, and beware of hobbi.. hobb... Say? What's that? Something sparkly outside the window... Ooooo, shiny.

Am wandering off against better judgment. Cannot resist dangling sparkly thing. Reached up to pull on it...

Net fell from trees. Pervy elf fanciers groaning from behind bushes. SORRY. Heard elves giggling from bushes before scrambling quickly away. *blushing* Oops.

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VSDPEF- Tinuviel80
Day 2

Set another trap with Undomiel. Strung various shiny trinkets from a tree bough with a very large hole underneath it. Oh well, don't elves always land on their feet? Oh no... what's Lizard doing!? Liz, no, no!! *ahhhh!!! Thud* Oooo... that's gonna hurt come tomorrow.
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com