Chapter 16: Lizard and Nimrodel Versus One Overly Pampered Hollywood Starlet
 
 

Luitha listened to the dead silent forest, holding no sign of Junipur. She cleared her throat and before Tadan could stop her, belted out, "Juuuuuuuuuniperrrrrrrrr?!"

“Oh, heh, not so smart. Sorry. Anyhoo... Tadan, we need to find you a horse. Sometime soon, Glorfindel is going to get picky about lending his Asfaloth.”

Suddenly Tadan drew her Asfaloth to a halt. "Hey, is that Junipur up there?"

Elrond looked at the figure. "I'm not sure...almost looks like her, but I don't know." Mystified, he edged his horse closer, and the rest followed. The figure turned. It WAS Junipur!

Tadan, Luitha, Elrond, and Aragorn urged their horses forward to join her before they realized it was a trap. ELFs stepped out of the trees and surrounded them.

“Tadan?” Luitha asked staring down her nose at the arrow a half inch away. “Do you get the feeling that maybe Junipur isn't the only one in trouble?”

-------------------------------

Meanwhile Nim, with Smeagol still hissing and sitting on her back, heard Lizard scuffling with someone who sounded like........an overly pampered Hollywood starlet!!

“She's HERE?! Will.....not.....lose.....Orlando.....again!!” Nim stopped pounding the ground and muttered, “Even though I really haven't seen much of him since Lizard is HOGGING! Oh all right, will save her anyway...but how? Still have nasty smelly ex-hobbit like creature on back.”

Smeagol hissed at this description and…

“SQUEEE!”

Nim heard Smeagol caterwauling, and felt him being lifted off.

“LEGOLAS! This ought to make up for losing him last time...."

Nimrodel quickly picked the dead bugs out of her teeth before flashing her elf a dazzling thank you smile. "You are sooo having your hair brushed tonight!!"

Legolas gave her a wink before walking off with one writhing Smeagol, and Nim paused to take in the butt-like-granite view.

“OWWW!!!”

Angry little crickets suddenly felt the need to pelt her with lembas and an elf whacker. Nim sighed.

“OK, OK, I'm coming Lizard...”

-------------------------------------

“Umm... Hello everybody.” Luitha waved and tried not to get cross-eyed from staring at the arrow under her nose.

Some dark-haired elf looked suspiciously at Tadan. "Isn't that Glorfindel's horse?"

"Look," Luitha interrupted, "I'm an elf, Tadan and Elrond are half-elves, and Aragorn is an elf-lover... the non-obsessive kind... We have no quarrel with you."

"But THAT…” The elf pointed to Junipur, "is one of the obsessed ones. A DWARF."

"She's a friend. We'll take care of her."

"She'll have to come with us to Rivendell and join the rest."

The rest? Tadan and Luitha exchanged glances. Not again….

--------------------------------------

Lizard heard footsteps in the trees… It was Nim! This was a good thing, as Christina Ricci was now holding Lizard up by her neck against a tree, her feet dangling above the ground. Somehow, even through she's a comparatively hobbit-sized actress and Lizard about 5'8", she was kicking the Lizard’s butt! Who knew this chick had super powers?

“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPPP!!!!”

Meanwhile the walkie-talkie cackled away in her pocket, and she listened in horror. SOS’s came by the dozens. The ELF’s had struck again.

-------------------------------------
 
“Very well, we shall go with you to Rivendell, and supervise your treatment of the prisoners. And yes, this is Glorfindel's horse. He has kindly lent me it.”

Tadan wasn’t liking the arrow in her face any more than Luitha was. She leaned over and whispered, “This way at least we'll be in, and at the place where they have the others. You know, I think we are the only ones who haven't spent time as captives of the ELFs yet.”

Luitha pulled Junipur up behind her on Asfaloth and headed off with elves toward Rivendell, not at all happy about it. She leaned over to whisper to Tadan, "Did you bring your trusty lembas launcher? What do you think? Should we see what they have at Rivendell? Even if they haven't caught the PEF yet, they may have PJ and co."

"Perhaps we can then figure out why it looked so abandoned.” Tadan responded. “I didn't bring my launcher, it got bent in the last scuffle. But I did bring my Chloroform gun. I fear the launcher will never be repaired. Legolas said he'd do it, but I don't think he has any spare time."

Aragorn and Elrond looked fidgety. “I think our man and elf duo are a little eager to kick some elvish rears,” Luitha said with a grin and added, “however rock-hard they may be.”

“Elrond has no trouble kicking butts, even if they are rock hard. He can even dodge bullets! He's so awesome!” Tadan sighed and watched her elf-lord adoringly.

--------------------------------

VSDPEF- Lizard219
Ah… nevermind the day

Have flipped Christina Ricci onto her back. She is pinned now. Ah-ha! And Orli is having a little too much fun watching this... Doesn't help that we're both all muddy now... Welcome to the insane world of Middle Earth mud-wrestling.

Lizard punched the starlet in the nose. “Take that!”

"My nose job!" Starlet flipped Lizard over her head. "That's it."

Ack! Ack! She's pulling my hair! My beautiful, beautiful hair!!

Lizard flailed around until she could aim a kick effectively and knock her on the ground.

Oh no! She found my elf whacker! This could be bad...

“Cletus!” The cricket finally had come to the conclusion that, entertaining as it was, having Lizard be pummeled by a Hollywood starlet would definitely kill his career. He climbed up and jumped into Lizard’s ear.

Ah-ha! I have common sense now, and I just realized my legs are longer than the starlett's! Time to fight Tae Kwon Do style.

Flying kick drove back the encroaching Ricci, but the starlet kicked back somehow and Lizard was pinned again.

Nim ran toward the sound of a squealing Lizard and heard someone saying, “But honey, you were off filming Ally McBeal, it’s not my fault!”

Wha….?

She burst into a clearing to see the evil Christina doing a Darth Vader on Lizard...

“Hands off my DWARF! (Wha...?)” She screamed, contemplating what kind of stylistic fighting she was going to use on an overly pampered starlet who was...... her height! Ha! So the Matrix idea was out and Nim decided to use old fashioned street fighting technique and yank her off Lizard by her hair....

Aii!! The screeching of the overly pampered starlet was almost too much to bear.......

CLONK!

Formerly screeching overly pampered starlet goes limp as FORMER Hollywood boyfriend hits her on head with empty strawberry shampoo bottle....

"Never liked her much anyway, so overly pampered." Orli grinned, swung the bottle around Old Western Style and tried to holster it. Except there was no holster and the bottle fell and broke on the ground with a strawberry scented CRASH.

We now break for Nim and Liz to do the happy dance.

---------------------------------------

VSDPMF- El luitha uren

Arriving at Rivendell in the company of a dozen elves. Would rather be anywhere else. Entire camp would kill to be here now.

Dismounting, Luitha leaned over and whispered in Asfaloth's ear. Rearing and breaking loose from the elf holding his reins, Asfaloth tore out of Rivendell, bound for the elf-lovers camp.

 Hopefully, he'll find at least one free elf-hunter and get across the message of where we are. Undomiel maybe. I can always hitch a ride on Roheryn.

Separated now (drat it all) from our men and "rescuee" Junipur (humph- that worked well), Tadan and I are led down the hall by two elvish escorts. Silly elves did it again. Thought two elf-women wouldn't be a problem and sent most of their guards with Elrond and Aragorn. Hehehe *evil grin* And I still have my lembas launcher...

“I know that look on your face,” Tadan whispered to her. “I still have my cholorform gun. Let’s kick some Elf-butt!”

--------------------------------------

After doing a victorious version of the Macarena with Nim, smoothly gliding from there to the Snoopy dance, Lizard realized that she was covered in mud.

“Ick, ick, ick, get it off!” Lizard began hyperventilating. “Am dirty, icky, covered in filth, hair mussed, lost a contact.”

“Lizard! Calm down! There’s nothing wrong with being dirty!” Nim eyed Orli as she said this, a queer glint in her eye. (Okay, maybe not queer as she had this glint in her eye an estimated 27 times a day…)

“Niiiiim! I can’t network like this!” Lizard fled quickly to dunk herself in the lake. Then, in the ultimate show of sacrifice, she forwent drying her hair (Lizard shook her head and whimpered, “Oh the frizz I'm inviting! Oh the frizz!” From somewhere in Rivendell, Luitha heard this and screamed, “Oh shut UP Lizard!” )

And Lizard ran back to Orli and Nim to discuss going to the rescue of the other elf-hunters.

“So, what now?”

Claude jumped back in after consulting with Cletus. Lizard and Nimrodel were ready to go.

“Right! We need the walkie talkies!” Nim commanded, grabbing Lizard’s and speaking into it, “Mariana? Tadan? Luitha? Figwit?!”

-------------------------------------

Tadan threw a right hook into her guard’s eye while pulling out her chloroform gun. There was a bang, and the guard toppled over with a happy glaze over his face.

“I think he liked you Tadan.”

“Luitha, you....ah, good job with the Lembas! I guess we now try to free the others. But which? Oh, plumb-bob it all, I'm freeing my Elf first! And he's probably with your man, so lets go!”

-------------------------------------

Lizard dusted herself off and stood up. “Ok, let's take Orli and book it to Rivendell...” She broke off as a white shape hurtled into the clearing. “Hey, is that El luitha's horse? Nim, he probably knows where she is! Come on!”

Lizard leaped onto a log and struck a Legolas pose, whistling her fearless steed with a heroic tune. Bill the pony hobbled in and sighed.

“Er... one of us can ride him. He's not terribly fast, but he's cute as a button. The other two can double up on El Luitha's horse, whose name I fear to spell…” Asfaloth neighed and charged back toward the camp, leaving Lizard, Nim, and Orli behind.

“Or not… Does anyone else think of the Waffle House when they see that horse?”

-----------------------------------

Luitha and Tadan, fugitives in Rivendell, tore down the halls in search for their man/elf/friend. They skidded around a corner and ran (literally, of course) right into a couple more guards.

Luitha was the first to recover, and she jumped up to aim her lembas launcher... out of ammo! “Darnit!” She chucked the  launcher at guard and elbowed another in the face. “Oops, hehe, sorry about that eye… ahem…”

They charged around another corner to arrive in a long, long hallway with nothing but doors on either side.

“Oh cripes not the doors again... How many doors does this stupid place have?” Tadan and Luitha looked at each other and sighed. As Tadan covered her friend with her chloroform gun, Luitha kicked down the first one.

Glorfindel in a strawberry bubble bath.

Oops… Luitha tried to prop the broken door up again as Glorfindel watched stonily on. Undomiel was going to love this story...

Aragorn and Elrond rounded the corner and ran (literally of course) into the duo. Tadan and Luitha fell down on top of them with identical shrieks and popping of their weapons.

"Hurry..." Aragorn seemed a little impatient and urged the other three to stand up again. Luitha was just enjoying the sensation of falling on him.

“Luitha, you’re drooling,” Tadan muttered. Luitha blushed and wiped it up before her Ranger noticed. Elrond pulled them to their feet with a "come on..."

Half dozen elves rounded corner in chase....

“Oh. Hurry…”

--------------------------------------

Back at the camp... Tinuviel saw Asfaloth galloping into camp.

"What's the matter boy? Timmy's in the well? No? Oh! Tadan and Luitha have been lead back to Rivendell by a group of hostile elves with Junipur, Elrond and Aragorn, and are trapped inside the city by the evil forces of ELF and need to be rescued while Lizard, Nim, and Orli have defeated an evil starlet and are going to join us soon? Alright let's go."

Tinuviel hopped onto Asfaloth and tore off for the Rivendell. (Somewhere, Mariana could be heard shrieking, “Do.. Not… Go.. Off.. ALONE!”)

---------------------------------------

“All right, three of us on Bill the Pony... He can take it, right?” Lizard patted Bill on the nose. She, Nim, and Orli hopped up. Bill grunted and started trudging away.

“Hi-ho, Bill-the-pony, away!!!” Lizard whooped. “I'm a Warrior! A warrior! Yee-haw!!! When did that happen?” She did a happy dance and almost fell off the pony. Lack of sleep combined with giddiness prompted her to launch into an old song by Pat Benetar: "Shooting at the walls of heartache, BANG BANG! I am the warrior!"

"Hurry!" Nim shouted to Bill the pony...." I heard something on the radio about Glorfindel in a bubble bath!" She sighed. “I just knew I'D get stuck on the vertically challenged horse.”

--------------------------------------

We break now to explain what the he** is going on, because if you are like this editor, you just lost track of about a half dozen PEFs and one PMF.

Lizard, Nimrodel, and Orlando are riding Bill the pony to Rivendell to rescues PJ, Richard, and Peter.

Tinuviel is riding Luitha’s Asfaloth to Rivendell.

Mariana is having Figwit lead her to Rivendell.

Undomiel is wandering the forest looking for Junipur.

Junipur is captive in Rivendell after being found by Tadan and Luitha.

Only Elbereth knows where the others are. Probably tae boing in the woods in total bliss.

Tadan and Luitha were off to save the day and inadvertently got caught doing so. We now return to their desperate struggle to free themselves from the evil forces of ELF  in the city.

------------------------------------

“SHEESH Luitha! Will you get OFF your Ranger for one minute here!”

Tadan tapped her foot and waited with her hands in her hips at the door. A very abashed Luitha and Aragorn walked out of an empty room and rearranged their launchers.

[Sorry. Now we join them in their desperate struggle to free themselves.]

All four of the Rivendell captives exploded into action. Out of the corner of Tadan’s eye she saw a hard object headed for her, but Elrond deflected it, which was lucky because she was a little busy saving Aragorn's neck from a mis-aimed thrust. In about two minutes the bodies of about a dozen knocked out Elves were stretched out on the floor, and the four  were looking at the sight of a confused Glorfindel in a bath towel.

The two half-elves, one elf, and one man came to their senses, grabbed Glorfindel and began a hasty search for the other prisoners (one hunter and PJ and co.)

--------------------------------------

Bill the Pony started lagging half way to Rivendell... Three people on a pony was perhaps too much, Lizard realized. She hopped down to run, leaving Nim and Orli on Bill.

“Can we jump start him?” Nim asked, looking down at Lizard slow-motion running to keep down with the pony. Then Legolas jogged up.

"I've come to help. I sensed a foul voice on the air, singing an eighties song..."

"That was me!" Lizard exclaimed.

Legolas looked abashed. "Sorry."

“Awww... He's so cute, how can you be mad?” Lizard forgot about her tendency to speak outloud, and Legolas blushed at her words.

“Hey! Tinuviel is ahead!” Nim pointed.

Tinuviel stopped in the middle of the forest suddenly and listened to the *clipity clop, clipity clop* behind her.

"Hey! Tinuviel wait up!" She looked back to see Nimrodel and Orli on the back of one very determined pony, and Lizard and Legolas running beside.

"It would probably be faster if we distributed a bit. Who wants to ride on Asfaloth?" Tin asked.
 
Lizard climbed up before anyone else could beat her to it.

------------------------------------------

VSDPMF- El luitha uren
Still at Rivendell…

Whew! Had a near miss there, shoving Elrond out of the way from nearly getting his hair cut by some determined elf. Managed to save most of it anyway- he doesn't seem to happy about it though. Keeps holding a fallen lock and moaning a little bit. Sheesh, don't even get a thank you. It's not THAT bad, and I'm sure Tadan won't mind.

Where's Junipur? And where's PJ and co? And what do we do with a half dozen unconsious elves when more are soon to follow? And where in Middle-Earth is the rest of Rivendell?

Tearing around corners again...

"This way!" Elrond tried one corridor.

"Nay! Follow me!" Aragorn ran down another.

"Oh for Elbereth's sake, you two are useless!" Tadan and Luitha each grabbed hold and dragged them down a third corridor where yells that even a dwarf (normal- not elf loving kind) could hear were echoing down the hall.

------------------------------------------

"Here we come to save the day!" The entourage (complete with one very exhausted pony who swears he has had enough adventure and is leaving Middle-earth on the next flight) hopped down from their faithful steeds and proceeded to invade the city of Rivendell. All five of them.

It was fairly easy considering the front gates were open and unguarded, and that every ELF in the place was currently running circles after Tadan and Luitha. That however did not detour them.

“We’re coming to the rescue!” Lizard shouted, trying to get off Asfaloth and falling off instead, ending up with a mouthful of dirt.

Nim sighed. “We’re trying anyway.”
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com