Chapter 15: Overse*** DWARFs and Happy Censor Crickets
 
 

”Good morning my fellow DWARFs!” Mariana yawned and grinned as she emerged from her tent the next morning. “We really did a good job yesterday, catching all these new elves. They're all so cute! (except for Haldir, of course). Here, Saffron, take this one here.” She noted Saffron’s rather lost and dejected look and shoved one happy elf in her direction.

Nimrodel’s head popped up from behind a bush, grinning like a cat that just got into the marshmallow crème. “Good morning! Look at all these very satisfied customers. Mariana has been doing quite a job, I'm afraid the poor girl is going to exhaust herself!”

A loud OUCH! sounded from behind some bushes, followed by Lizard giggles. Nim grinned harder. “Guess Liz is still checking to see if Orli is real. Heh, heh. Well we won’t be seeing her for awhile! OWW!!! What the…?”

Nim looked down in surprise to see an angry cricket jumping up and down on her big toe.

 "You stupid, silly, overse*** DWARFs!” Cletus was disgruntled again. Lizard practically steps on an ELFs face, you yourself overheard their plans for infiltrating the camp, they still have PJ and the others, and all you are doing about it is Tae bo in the bushes!!!"

That was when Cletus noticed the little censor cricket skipping along, deliriously happy with job security, and went chasing after him waving a fist yelling, "Stop the d*** Tae bo!!" (Tinuvie watched as the two crickets ran by, and grabbed Cletus by the antennae with the intent to study him in her lab.)

Nim shook her head. Poor little censor cricket.... ”Oh, shoot! That's right! We need to gather everybody and come up with our plan. Maybe we can get Steward Boromir to blow the horn of Gondor and bring everyone running.... Mariana! I said Boromir should blow his horn! Not you!”

Mariana gave Nim a sheepish look and pulled Boromir back out from the bushes. “Okay, okay. Time for work now. I brought PJ and the makeup guys here, so I have to return them to earth. We have to rescue them. Who's coming? Who's got a plan? I ran out of plans... “

”Blenda! Yeahhhhh!!! Blenda’s back!” Cienanos began a happy dance, but passed out from the fumes of her hobbit-hair-gone-wrong.

Nim looked at her. “Cienanos? Little behind?”

Cienanos sighed. “I’m going to have to take a week off just to catch up!”

Tinuvie finally trotted out into the open, chipper and ready for action. “Yay! Thanks for helping me out! Oooh, so Haldir's tied up watching all the fun eh?” Haldir, still tied up, is watching all this with a scowl. Tinuvie walked over to him and waved a jar of strawberry bubblebath under his nose.

“Am telling the new elves about science,” she informed Nim as Haldir pouted. “They actually seem quite interested, even if I caught one of them telling the others I look like Thuringwethil (a Maia and vampire ). Am Bored. Will look for too-polite-to-interrupt-me elf to talk to him about science.”

“We’re talking aloud in VSD format,” Mariana sighed. “I knew this day would come.”

“Okay,” Nim sat on a log and waited for the others to emerge. “Plans?”

”How about we offer to swap a few elves for PJ and crew?” Tinuvie suggested. The looks she received made her shrink behind a tree. “Ok, ok, it was just a suggestion! Maybe we could distract the elves by putting a few smelly and potentially dangerous-if-not-removed-straight-away chemicals near the north side of their camp…” She held out a blueprint, “and rescue PJ and the others through the south side. How about that?”

”Sounds good to me Tinuvie!” Mariana liked this plan better than Tinuvie’s first one. “But I don't think they're camping, they must be in
Rivendell. Anyways, their army is not so big now. What kind of chemicals do you suggest? Should we send a warning anonymous letter too? (we're turning into terrorists, so it seems!).”

Lizard came running over, Orli trailing behind with an amused expression.

“Hey, no meetings without me! I'm game for any plan, if you need the Lizard touch to it! Or, er, you just need another random person. What are we doing? Rescuing the make-up guys and PJ? That's a very important task. I love what those guys did for my eyes, wow! So someone come up with an idea.”

Orli was wandering close to the bush Lizard had stumbled through last night. Just as a slender, elegant hand reached towards him, Lizard accidentally tripped over my own feet and knocked him down. Neither of them notice the hand withdrawing.

"Oooooo, ouch! Sorry, Orli. I'm really sorry. Oh no, look at that. I BRUISED him! Well, if it's any consolation, blue is your color." Lizard smiled weakly.

Tinuviel walked over to where the plotters were sitting. “Gildor seems to be getting bored cooped up in a tent,” she announced. “Says he's a wanderer and needs to go for a walk. Guess I have to humor him once and a while.” With that, she turned to walk off into the forest with Gildor.

Nim stood up. “Umm....HELLO!! Remember the last time we all split up??? Do I have to say "powder blue eyeshadow" more than once...” She abruptly went into a seizure thinking about "big hair, spandex, 80's days."

WHACK!

”OWW! Cletus!” Num rubbed her bum. “Where'd you get Lizards' elf whacker?? Shouldn't she have it, just in case?

Just then she noticed that the bushes have become alarmingly quiet... And that the small angry cricket was now banging his head against a tree...

”OK, OK, focus!” Nim clapped her hands and muttered, “This is really hard do to while Lizard is bruising my future boy-toy and Tinuvie's chemicals are fogging everyone's brain AND Mariana is going to go into cardiac arrest if she does anymore Tae bo…

Silver Elf  walked into camp after her own hunting trip and looked around in awe. Everything was in ruins, and the bushes were… giggling? “Gee, I’ve been gone for a day and am very confused. What happened to this place and where did all these really cute elves come from?

“Serve yourself, Silver Elf!” Mariana stopped planning for a moment. “We have all kinds of elves here! Blonde, cute, dark-haired, cute, tall, cute, and did I mention cute?  Oh, there's also ugly elf with big nose, you can pinch him if you think it's fun, but that's about all he's useful for  We got these in the forest, they were so frightened that Tinuvie would throw petroleum on their hair that they didn't see our approach. Piece of cake!
I'm heading for a strawberry bubble bath now, we have work to do, so I'd better be relaxed...”

“Ohhh, since I’m way to young for tae bo…” She raised a hairbrush above her head and ran to the nearest cutest available elf she saw first.

Meanwhile, Undomiel wandered around with Glorfindel. “Wow,” she remarked. “It’s actually quiet at camp. No orcs running around, just nice elves. Hey, wait a minute…Where's . . . umm . . . Glorfindel, can I borrow your Asfaloth. I believe we have someone missing. You can come along, if you want. Might not be a bad idea.” She and her elf took off in search of the missing Junipur.

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Gildor took a deep breath of fresh air.

"Are you ready yet?", Tinuviel asked, "Not that I don't like being out in the forest, it's just all the PEF's aren't supposed to wonder alone, on account of what happened last time."

"Sure," Gildor said, "let's just round off at Rivendell then alright?"

"Ok..." They continued to wander through the dense forest of outer Rivendell. Tin said hello to Cletus, brandishing Lizard's elf whacker at them for some reason. Gildor flinched involuntarily. Tin attempted to squish the cricket but the cricket whacked her in the shin instead.

"Alright, now we have the cricket after us. Something's definitely up, let's turn back NOW!" Tinuviel was nervous now too.

"As you wish!", said Gildor and Cletus was quiet. Everything seemed to be quiet... A little too quiet.

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"Hmm, still don`t see anything familiar, am missing Legolas.” Junipur sighed. I do hope that someone will come looking for me ? What`s this, looks like an empty bottle of strawberry bubble bath, maybe it is a sign, maybe I´m on the right way after all ? It`s getting dark, I´m tired, need sleep, need food, need a coke................."

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”Rivendell is really, really quiet…” Tadan was nervous.

“Umm, it was pretty busy the last time we were here…” Luitha was nervous.

“Do you see Junipur anywhere?”

“Is that a strawberry bubblebath bottle on the ground?”

”Okay, this is positively creepy.” Tadan looked over at Luitha. “There are no Elves here. I can only think of one place they would be. But we're out here to find Junipur. Do you think the camp can survive on its own?”

Luitha opened her mouth to answer. Tadan beat her to it. As usual.

”Okay, I'll answer my own question. With the recent influx of more Elves, I have a feeling everyone is a bit distracted.”

“So….” Luitha go one word out this time.

”So, to save Junipur, or the camp, or to find PJ and co. are our options. I have to say I don't like them, don't like them at all.” Tadan shook her head and Luitha nodded vigorously in agreement, finally able to get a word in.

”Junipur's been gone long enough that if something hasn't happened to her yet, something probably will soon. PJ and co are tough, they'll be
able to wait a little longer I think. And the elf-hunters have been ambushed often enough they should know better by now. I'm beginning to think they WANT to get caught!”

“So let’s go after Junipur?” Tadan suggested.

”Let's go after Junipur.” Luitha agreed.

"Then onward our party of four shall go! Oh, look, tracks! And they weren't made by an Elf, of course. Shall we follow them? I think the Elf Hunters enjoy being caught for some perverse reasons. I don't understand, but then, perhaps it's because I haven't been caught yet."

Elrond leaned over. "The operative word here is 'yet'"

Tadan glared, and urged Glori’s Asfaloth forward, to ride with Luitha instead of Elrond. “Still a little peeved that he left me when I was sleeping the other day to play in a river the others,” she mumbled. “And he still hasn't told me exactly what happened.”

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Mariana could see no sign of Junipur. She sighed. Her feet were starting to hurt from all the walking. She’d never been in this part of the forest before. She started breathing heavily, tired and ready to return to camp.

Suddenly, an elf leaped in front of her, armed with a bow, arrow pointed at Mariana’s head.

"A DWARF breathes so loud I could shoot you in the dark."

"Hey, Haldir used to say that!" she replied.

"I know, I learned that with him. Pretty strong line."

"Wait a minute... I'm recognizing you... OMG, I can't believe it! FIGWIT!" Mariana grinned and fumbled  for a drool cup.

"How the h*** do you know my name?!" Figwit gave her a stunned look.

"Didn't you know, there's a website about you!" It was a good thing Mariana had brought her computer with her to Middle-earth. She whipped it out and pulled up the page.

"Really?" Figwit looked pretty amazed.

"Yeah, oh man, I'm your fan, can I please have your autograph?"

As Figwit pondered this, Mariana continued to stall. I could interrogate him! What do I have here to use against him? hairdryer out of batteries... no chlorophorm, no petrolium... oh, I know, bubblegum!!!! I am chewing gum RIGHT NOW! She spat the gum into her hand.

"Listen, Figwit, I wouldn't do this in a regular situation, but you see, I have no other way. Either you collaborate with me, or I'll stick this in your BEAUTIFUL hair!"

"No, please!” Puzzled Figwit was now horrified Figwit.

"So, you agree to collaborate?"

"Yeah, anything but gum on my hair, anything!"

"OK, so answer my questions: where are the humans?"

"Huh, they're all in Gondor, I suppose.” Figwit scratched his head.

Dumb, dumb elf.

"Duh! I mean PEF's humans, PJ, Peter Owen and Richard Taylor."

"Not too far away from here... they're in the forest."

"You'll take me to them"

"No, I can't!"

"I still have the gum!"

"Alright, then, follow me"

"No tricks! I may go to prison but I'll sure mess up with your hair before it!” She followed Figwit closely, with the gum inches from his head.

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”We are going to Rivendell to get PJ and Co. now. Got it?!” Nimrodel was getting impatient. Probably at the sight of Lizard checking Orli’s ears again… by nibbling on them. “I’ll get Haldir to use as....as......as......oh well, will get him anyway.”

Nim went over, untied Haldir and tossed a lasso around him for safety precautions. “No tricks now...”.

A hiss came from up in the tree. "No trickessses now, precious? Nasssty elf hunter sent poor Smeagol to Hollywood!! No safe placesss! Smeagol has nice massster now, Christina Ricci!”

”Uh oh, looks like Christina can afford more fish than I can, and wants Orli back now....” Nim sighed. “Help?”

Smeagol flapped down the tree and gave Haldir a Look...

"You musssstt gives the sssignal nasssty elf. Poor Smeagol doesssn't have enough teethessss!!"

“Cr**! I knew this dude was trouble!” Nim reached for her knives and shouted, “Don't you dare Haldir! I have to protect the underage PEFs! OOF!”

Nim had managed to cut the lasso OFF Haldir before landing face down in the dirt with Smeagol sitting on her back.. Uck. She sighed.

"You guys aren't too bright, huh?" sneered Haldir as he gave the Calling All E.L.F.s whistle.

Meanwhile the dank, fishy smelling, surprisingly heavy, half- starved creature on Nim’s back is whispering in her ear,"Where is it, my precious?"

"Where's what?"

"The gorgeous human with the fabuloussss cheekbonessss! My massster wantss him!"

Lizard had better find Cletus soon....

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
break for biorythm compatibility tests.
(Who’s compatible with THEIR elf? Let’s find out!)
 

And now back to your regularly scheduled hunt…
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Yeah... HELLO!!!" Nim tapped her fingers on the ground. "Still stuck under slimy, fishy smelling Smeagol....CALLING ALL SMEAGOL WARDENS!! Now I'm getting punchy....”

“I see what's happening now!” Nim pounded her fist on the ground and Smeagol hissed at the thump. “Smeagol knocked out my angry little cricket, Claude, and he went running off with my lembas launcher in Cletus' direction...”

Nim waved at the cricket, and Smeagol bobbed back and forth with the motion of her arm. “Come back you waste of an exoskeleton...!”

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Lizard came out of the bushes with Orli (they had gone back for another session of Tae Bo) and… “Hey! Where the heck is everyone? I suppose I wandered off from the camp a bit. Come on, Orli. I heard via walkie-talkie that Junipur is lost and the ELF elves are missing. I'm gonna go investigate. I'll just take you so I'm not alone!”

Orli looked a little worried. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Lizard shrugged. "Well, no, but I can't find Cletus, so I wouldn't know, would I?"

"Good point." They started walking through the woods, discussing their bungee jumping expedition of the other day. It was quite pleasant, in Lizard’s opinion, especially with a guy who looked like Orli did.

Suddenly, there was an ominous presence in the air. Lizard could hear it- a heavy, Darth Vader-like breathing. Whirling around in horror,  she saw a black-cloaked figure looming ever nearer! A Ringwraith?

The hood slipped back, and Lizard looked into the face of evil. "My name is Christina Ricci," she hissed, "and I have come for the man."

*Cue dramatic music*

"Huh?" Orli looked mildly intrigued, and that was all it took to get the Lizard going.

"Oh no you don't, sister! I kidnapped this hottie fair and square." And before Christina Ricci could blink, Lizard flung herself through the air and delivered a Matrix-style kick to her chest. Christina Ricci flew through the air and hit a tree.

In typical Hollywood fashion, an announcer was there in no time.

“But the malevolent power of Christina Ricci will not be so easily defeated!” The voice echoed through the forest.

“Who hired him?” Christina snarled, head-butting Lizard. (Somewhere in the bushes, Cletus grinned, gave a thumb-up to the announcer, and munched on popcorn.)

Christina punched Lizard and delivered a roundhouse kick to her stomach.

“OOF! Oh, ouch. Not nice. This is just not nice.” The announcer cringed and peeked through his fingers. “And so the ensuing battle goes on, good against evil, Lizard against overly-pampered Hollywood starlet...How, oh how, will all the madness end?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”
 
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com