Chapter 20: Naked Legolas! (Got Your Attention)
 

"Ok, we've done this before we can do it again.” Tinuviel stopped to sniffle. “Poor Leggykins out in the world without a proper tae-bo instructor  Well they've probably returned to Rivendell by now, so at least we know their location. Having that stupid practice elf as their leader is a plus for us as well. I say we ask the cricket. He got us into this mess, he's going to get us out."

"What if we can do the reverse of what he did to Lizard?" Tadan asked. "We take over his brain, and send him to infiltrate the camp of the ELFs, and then invade!"

She didn’t wait for an answer, just began handing out Lembas Launchers, chloroform guns, orc-s'mores, and gas masks.

"Here is our arsenal. I have one more gas bomb, so it has to be used at the right time. But we will not abandon Elrond to their devious mechinations!" At their glances Tadan hastily added, "Legolas either!"

The group cheered and sent out the resident science experts to work on rewiring the crickets brain. Tadan set out to give others a crash course in aiming Lembas Launchers.

“Wait now,” Mariana interrupted. “Didn't they mention they had a new powerful way to revert Tae Bo addiction? I’m really worried. Oh, and where's Orlando, is he lost in the forest or was he caught by ELF too?”

“Well, since I'm to no use here, maybe I could go look for Orli?” Meenelda suggested. “Anybody wanna come?” No one was really paying attention to her, so she shrugged and headed off by herself.

(Nim, Nim stop twitching like that…)

“Oh no. NOT LEGOLAS! Waaaahhhhh....” Tinuvie had just caught up. “Ok. Must breathe deeply. Need elf to come with me.” Tinuvie tore after Glorfindel, and almost lost him when he started to flee at the very sight of her. She hid the test tube still in her hand behind her back with a guilty look and called out, “I don’t want to talk about science!”

Glorfindel stopped. Was she kidding? “I promise that I won't talk about science,” she said. “Will you come with me to rescue Legolas, Orlando and Elrond?”

"I don't know, I'm a bit tired, with all that Tae boo and science…" He looked rather wary. So Tinuvie prepared him her special coffee (so thick it looked like tar) and handed a cup to him.

“Gulp it down, with lots of sugar and glucose, and take a bit of vitamin C too,” she instructed him. Five minutes later, Glorfindel was twitching rather spasmodically. The coffee maybe wasn’t so good for his system…Glorfindel backed up a step and bumped right into Gildor. He tried to explain what had happened, but only succeeded in muttering jerky sounds and scaring Gildor pretty thoroughly.

So Tinuvie gave him the same treatment. “Ok,” she said, observing the twitching elves and taking notes in a pad. “So now we have two hyper-active elves, tons of chloroform, and scattered elf-hunters. Anybody have instructions?”

Kelsey Undomiel fell through the trees and landed with a hard bump on a bunch of leaves at Tinuvie’s feet. She looked up, face dirtied by soil and her robe torn and looking more gray than white. “What?” she said. “I was hiding!”

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“Donhiriel? Dimuriel? Good morn… AAAAH!”

Elfcat had woken up just in time to see about a dozen elves ringed around her with arrows pointed at her head. Her two cats, Dimuriel and Donhiriel curled up closer to her nervously.

An ELF, Haldir of course, walks over to her. "So, elf-hunter," he said with a nasty grin. I guess this will teach you to mind your own business. Now, I will have this… kind elf interrogate you.” He giggled evilly (Yes, you can giggle evilly.) and pointed to elf clad in black behind him.

Elfcat gulped and realized she was really starting to loathe Haldir.

A scream broke the silence following Haldir’s evil giggling, and the ELFs jumped and looked behind them.

“Shadowfax!? Is that you!?” Elfcat leaped to her feet and called to her horse. Haldir motioned then, and the next thing Elfcat saw was the motion of a bow swinging toward her head….

No one saw the two figures creeping silently around the backs of the ELF and deeper into the woods….

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Undomiel watched the chaos reign in the hunters’ camp as they frantically ran to save the captured elves. “Guys, guys! We can't go around floundering like this. All it will do is cause more problems.” Domie’s voice boomed over the panic and everyone stopped to look at her.

She turned to the forest next and hollered into it. “Tinuvie! Come back with Gildor and Glorfindel! We need you to somehow rewire the Cricket's brain, so he will work for us now! MeneeldaStar! Can you hear me? We need you, too! Don't go off on your own! Come back!”

She turned back to the camp. “The more we go around with chickens like out heads cut off, the better chance that the ELF has of succeeding here. We need to regroup, and STAY TOGETHER… Tadan, how are you feeling? Are you up to moving soon?”

Despite the power of Domie’s lungs, Tinuvie was too deep in the forest to hear her. “Aaag. Lost in forest with two elves that are starting to calm down. Where are we? I get this nasty feeling it's near Rivendell...”

“Are we lost?” Glorfindel asked in a high pitched voice.

“We can’t be lost,” Gildor responded in the same tone. “I’m missing out on tae bo…” Okay, so ‘calmed down’ was an understatement. The elves were downright whiny after coming off their caffeine high.

“Domie’s gonna kill me,” Glorfindel moaned.

“What's that sound?” Tinuvie asked suddenly. “A cricket? No, there's also voices... This is really creepy.”

"So, elf-hunter, haven't you poisoned yourself with your own chemicals yet?" An elf, carrying a bow pointed at Tinuvie’s neck stepped out of the woods. This was not good. Tinuvie decided the safest bet was to play along.

"Actually, I came to offer you my help. I don't want to be in the losing camp,” she replied coldly.

The ELF stared at her. “How do I know you’re saying the truth?"

"I brought you some of the prisoner elves. You can take them." Glorfindel and Gildor were too tired at this point, at the worst part of their caffeine low, to say anything.

The elf looked at her in disbelief. “And you’ll give us all the formulas we want?"

"Of course. I have a very interesting one here that you can see..."

At her offer, the elf leaned toward her, letting his bow down. Tinuvie threw some chloroform at him and the unsuspecting elf was asleep in seconds. “DO NOT mess with a mad elf-fancier science weirdo.” Tinuvie told the prone elf seriously.

Well now she was stuck. She had a hostage at any rate. She figured that if the rest of ELF showed up, she could threaten to cut hair and throw petrol at them…

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Elfcat was having a nice dream, one of a little white cat who said her name was Dimuriel. She waved and said hello, and the cat promptly whacked her with a paw. Elfcat woke up.

Once the three Haldirs in front of her formed back into one, she felt the throbbing pain in her head and sat up. And elf (dressed in a horrible pink color?) gave her a cup of some sort. She looked into it suspiciously.

“This isn’t wine is it? Cause I’m underage…” The elf shook his head and she took a careful sip… and spat it back out. “Wow that tastes horrible.” But she was fully awake now, at any rate.

"Now we can question you." Haldir said.

Elfcat stared at him. "Where is Dimuriel and Donhiriel and Shadowfax?" she asked petulantly, her wits having returned somewhat.

Haldir frowned. “Are these more elf-hunters that were with you?"

He hadn’t heard of Shadowfax? What, did he live under a boulder or something? "Elf-hunters?” Elfcat responded. “I was alone. What are elf-hunters?"

"No games!" Haldir said forcefully. I know you are a hunter!”

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

The elf in pink cleared his throat and rolled his eyes. Haldir stopped to glare at him “Fine. What were you doing, if you were not hunting elves?"

“I was, um, coming to help you!" Elfcat said after a moment’s hesitation.

Haldir snorted. "How are you going to help us?"

“Um, by helping you with your crabby personalities. What you need is more beauty sleep!” Elfcat whipped out some of Tinuvie’s chloroform and the entire mass of ELFs keeled over. But not for long, she knew. She grabbed her animals and fled.

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Nimrodel sighed, still in dreamland after watching the beautiful, heroic Legolas save a campful of damsels in distress. “I knew he’d always… Oww! Hey!”

Her angry little cricket (does anyone here have a HAPPY cricket?), was trying to knock some sense into her with Figwit’s Topsy Tail hair implement.

“Figwit! Right!” Nim’s sense returned. “We can use him to tell us what ELF may be planning - he has been converted! (over and over and over...)”

She quickly ducked the censor rating and asked, “Would anyone like to interrogate him?”

Undomiel tapped her foot impatiently as the group began milling around again.

“Hey! Attention! Hey!” Even the Voice of Domie was not working this time. She folded her arms angerly. Nim came over and patted her shoulder.

“I know, I know, here…” Nim waited a moment then screamed at the top of her lungs, “NAKED LEGOLAS!”

The camp froze and looked at her.

“Okay, get a drool cup. That’s just disgusting.” Nim then turned the podium to Domie.

“Ok. We need to recap, and take stock of who's where and what they are doing,” Domie announced.

Meneelda Star ran back into camp in glee. “Hey everybody! I found Orlando! I ran into the forest looking for him thinking ‘A PEF’s gotta do what a PEF’s gotta do’ and I found him! He just about ran over me!” A cheer went through the ranks at the sight of a safe Orli.

Tinuviel waited for it to die and stepped up next to Domie. “Ok, this is getting hectic! Undomiel's right, we all need to stick together. It seems that the newbies are unaware of what happens when we wonder off alone. Let's just say it never turns out in our favor.”

Undomiel started counting on her fingers. “Now Tinuvie didn't hear me, and Elfcat and Luitha haven’t returned. So, that means that ELF now has Tinuvie, Elfcat, Luitha, Glorfindel…” she stopped with a sob and composed herself before continuing. “…Gildor, Elrond, and Legolas.” The entire group moaned at this last name.

“That leaves me, Tadan, Tinuviel, Mariana, Lizard, MeneeldaStar, Nimrodel, Figwit, Kelsey, Silver Elf  to and a few of our converted elves to go after them.”

Cletus laughed from inside the drool cup.

“Oh, SHUT UP ALREADY!” Domie screamed at him. He shut up. “And Junipur is still missing . . . what a situation. O.K., may I make a request? No one go running off until we have a plan?”

Tinuviel pulled her sleeve and leaned over to whisper in her ear. Domie nodded and looked out across the gathered hunters again. “Okay, normally we’re supposed to stay together. So you all do that, we’re going off to rescue Gildor and Glorfindel.”

“Besides,” Tinuviel broke in. “Tinuvie’s our only chance to alter Cletus, ya, that's a decent excuse!… Did I just say that out loud?” She and Undomiel looked at each other, and broke off for the woods at a run.

Mariana fidgeted and watched them run off. Finally she couldn’t take it anymore. Legolas was out there! “Undomiel, Tinuviel! I’m coming too!” She tore after them as fast as she could.

Nim watched them retreat, sighed, and shook her head. “Go us,” she muttered. “Okay, I think we should dismantle the camp . . . take down the tents. We need to be mobile. The tents are too easy to spot and attack. The Lembas Launchers are good defense, so use those if you need them. But keep out of sight! We can't have anyone else getting captured.”

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VSDPEF-Junipur

Wakes up, am tied up, looks like Haldir caught me  I’m in some sort of E.L.F. camp, not Rivendell, and they are talking about how they have taken back Legolas and Elrond.

What, they have what? Oh no, I’ll just have to do something about this. I know that this means that the other PEF are defeated. So I’ll have to realize the possibility that I’m now all alone  Ok, am trying to get this stupid elf rope off, but seems like Haldir knows how to tie up someone.

*Realizes she has a bottle of bubble bath in her pocket, gets it out, and smashes it, can now cut the rope on the sharp edges*

Ok, seems like the E.L.F. elves are occupied with Legolas and Elrond, what ARE they doing to them ?

Sneaks around a bush, and away from the camp, but then hears Legolas crying out: " NOOOOOOOOO, I will not forget Ta Bo!

Ok, now what is going on here, are they trying to brain wash them? I just got to find the others, we really really need to rescue our elves.

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Luitha watched as a group of ELF returned to camp after their unsuccessful encounter with Elfcat. Aragorn knelt next to her, eyes intent the elves held hostage within the camp. Luitha snorted as they congratulated each other and talked of their conquests.

“Elves may have better sight and hearing then the hunters, but I am an Elf too,” she whispered.

“And they ought to know better than to mess with a Ranger that grew up with elves...” Aragorn continued with a smile. “Who's in their camp? Legolas, Junipur, is that Elrond?”

“Can you get his attention?” Luitha asked him. “We’re going to need more horses…”

“Look,” Aragorn motioned to where a group of a dozen elves snuck away from the camp.

“They’re after the rescuers,” Luitha told him. “We’d better try to warn them.” She turned to Asfaloth and whispered, “Find Undomiel, Nimrodel, or Tadan,” and returned to Aragorn. “They’ll be heading things, whatever is going on.”

“Elrond has noticed us,” Aragorn informed her. The Ranger and the elf looked at each other, picked themselves up, and moved further into the trees to wait.

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The camp, once chaotic and full of hunters running in panicked circles… was STILL chaotic and full of hunters running in panicked circles.

Nim sighed and decided things would never change. She turned to Figwit at her side. “Either Elfcat has been eating funny mushrooms she found in the forest, or I just heard over the walkie-talkie that she managed to break free our elves, but left Tinuvie? So Figwit, what’s up? What is ELF up to?"

"Well, really, you know, we all started ELF because we were...” Figwit was starting to look very dejected, “SOOOO jealous of Legolas!! He gets all the women!! It's not fair!!"

"But Figwit,” Nim said. “Your website got 4,000 hits in one night! You are big-time now!"

"Yes, well, with that and all the.....Tae bo.....I really am in a good space right now. But Haldir, now he is a different story. He's the one that masterminded the whole Christina Ricci thing. I mean, it was bad enough when you guys dissed him for other elves, but for a human!! He was really spittin' hair clips....."

“Hmmm.....he has more b***s than I gave him credit for.. HEY!” Nim ducked the censor ratings again. “I didn’t say the actual word! You want bleeps instead of stars WHAT?” She turned back to Figwit. “Do you know what ELFs plans are?"

"I know they are as organized as the PEFs...."

“MWAHAHA!” The cricket Claude apparently thought this was hilarious.

"YAY!!" Nim yelled, "Hop on Arod, Figwit, let us hunt some elf!"

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“Tinuviel . . .” Undomiel asked as they ran down the road. “What is going on?” They both stopped to listen. Someone was coming up behind them, and Undomiel pushed Tinni off the road.

“Mariana? Is that you? Thank Elbereth. I thought it was an ELF.” Undomiel sighed, but Tinuviel just stiffened.

“Get down!” she hissed.

The trio hunkered down behind some bushes and peered over the top. “That doesn't look like an ELF horse . . . is that . . .” Domie squinted and tried a whistle. There was a neigh and the horst trotted over in the direction of the three hidden hunters.

“It's Luitha's Asfaloth.” Tinuviel observed. “Look, there's a note attached to the saddle.” Undomiel grabbed the note off and read,

"Have found the ELF camp. Just outside of Rivendell . . . south side. Aragorn is here . . . everyone seems unharmed, but you may want to hurry. ~Luitha."

“Alright. Are we ready?” Tinuviel asked.

“We are.” The voice came from behind and definitely did not belong to a huntress. Undomiel, Tinuviel, and Mariana all stifled shrieks and turned around in startlement. Glorfindel stood there grinning at them. “Tinuvie and Gildor are just over there,” he pointed over his shoulder, got up, and walked in that direction, twitching slightly.

True enough, Tinuvie and Gildor stood over an unconscious ELF who was snoring rather loudly. Tinuvie was watching in fascination and taking notes in a pad.

“I didn’t know chloroform had this effect!” she said with glee.

“Good job Tinuvie!” Mariana congratulated. She studied the two elves still standing as Domie and Tinni embraced them. They seemed a little altered. Well, elves were always a little off after being around Tinuvie for too long. “We have a hostage! Are your hairdryers and lembas launcher ready? Is chloroform and petroleum at hand, Tinuvie? good! GO US!” Mariana pumped a fist.

“GO YOU but not without us!” called a voice from down the road. Nimrodel, with Figwit in tow, jogged over and joined the rapidly expanding group. Undomiel handed her the note and patted Asfaloth’s nose while Nim studied it.

“As usual Luitha and her Ranger are on the ball while the rest of us struggle to keep up!” Nim handed the note back with a grin. The ground rumbled ominously as the censors approached. “WHAT?!” Nim shrieked. “I said they were ON THE BALL! Get a life already!”

Figwit was beginning to look a little sulky in presence of "highly sought after" elves, until Tinuviel and Marianna whispered "Tae bo" and "marshmallow creme" in his cute little pointy ear. Needless to say, he cheered up.

"What do we do about these guys?", Tinuviel asked. Gildor and Glorfindel were so burnt out they were about to fall asleep right on top of the ELF member. "We don't have room for this many people on Asfaloth, but do you think it'd be alright if we tied one to this tree down here? We could put a bow on it to remember. These two could keep watch. I think they can handle themselves..."

To prove this statement, Gildor walked right into a tree. "Maybe not,” Tin said, “but none the less..." So Mariana, Undomiel, and Tinuviel tied the ELF member to tree.

"Now keep watch!" Mariana instructed them.

Glorfindel toppled over. Gildor just laughed for a while.

Asfaloth lead the way to Rivendell and the ELF camp, with Mariana, Tinuviel, Undomiel, Nimrodel, Tinuvie, and Figwit following.
 
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
August 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com