Chapter 21: The Showdown with Haldir
 
 
 

“O.K. So the camp is supposed to be at the South Side . . .” Undomiel consulted her map again. “Wait! There it is . . . see the tents? Now where are . . .?”

Domie frowned for a moment, then brightened and gave out a bird call. She listened for a while, and then the response cam from somewhere off to the west.

“Luitha and Aragorn are over there! Come on.” Following Asfaloth’s nose and Domie’s sense of bird-called directions, the group managed to make its way to where Luitha and Aragorn lay hidden.

“O.K. Now that we are, for the most part, all together, what is the plan?” Always the leader, Undomiel gathered the group in the circle, and they plotted away.

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“Hey, Phil? My dear on-loan common sense cricket? Did you pay any attention to the instructions we were left with earlier?” Lizard looked around the empty camp and scratched her head.

"Sort of. I think they said you should all stick together and then some of them ran off."

"So who am I sticking together with?" she wondered. "Oh, this is what I get for reading my horoscope during briefings."

"I dunno. Just follow the leader-types. They seemed to know what there were doing. Now leave me alone. I'm tired. Thanks to you I got about one hour of sleep last night, since I was bound and gagged and being harassed by two self-important fire ants with macho attitudes."

"Oh, sorry, Phil. Go to sleep."

“Hmmm...” Her common sense was sleeping now... Should she just risk it without Phil? “Well, he said I should follow the others. I'll just be REEEEAAAAALLY careful.” She set out at a run, looking for Mariana’s bunch.

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Kelsey walked back into the camp after a short hike in the woods to find the place completely empty.

"Now, where has everyone got to?" she asked herself, peeking into the tents and poking around. “Some major quest to Rivendell again, I guess.” There  was a note attached to a tree, and she walked over to read it.

“Don’t go off alone. Stay together. Domie and Tinni.” Kelsey looked around again at the deserted camp. A growl behind her caused her to freeze suddenly, and the sound of metal on metal came to her ears. She turned around slowly, determined not to panic, and…

ORCS, SURROUNDING THE CAMP!!!

(Well don’t it just get better and better…)

"Whh, hi!" Kelsey said merrily to the Orc growling down at her.

"Ha! Another DWARF! We had better get her to Rivendell!" the Orc replied with a hideous laugh.

"Its okay. There’s no need to!" Kelsey calmly replied as she pulled out a bow and arrow..

"A DAWRF who wants to fight! HA! Forget it!" Other Orcs appeared from the bushes and surrounded Kelsey in a tight circle, laughing at her.

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Back to the meeting already in progress outside ELF camp…

"Ok. We're not going to get anywhere with a full frontal attack. These elves mean business this time.’ Tinuviel pointed toward a map the group was arranged around. “Besides we're totally out numbered. We need a diversion. That would draw the majority away, and leave our hairdryers to the rest of the work."

All heads immediately turned to Luitha. She sighed. "Why am I always the diversion!"

"Because your soooo pretty!" Tinni replied energetically.

Luitha blushed right up to her eartips. “Fine, okay…”

As Luitha left to ride around to the other side of camp, Tinni leaned over and whispered to Domie, “Besides, she’s the one with the horse!”

“Did Luitha just say that there are a dozen elves out there after us?” Mariana asked suddenly.

There was a startled yell from beyond the bushes in the direction Luitha had just gone, and the hunters looked at each other with wide eyes, quietly drawing their hairdryers. The bushes rustled and a figure emerged, dirty and muttering to itself. The person looked up to see a half dozen hairdryers pointed directly at it.

“AHHH!” Junipur held up her hands. “Here I finally get out of the camp, run right into Asfaloth’s chest, then nearly get blow-dried to death by you all! Enough already!”

“Junipur!” The crowd whispered energetically, trying not to be too loud and alert ELF scouts. From the back, a little flag went up with ‘Junipur’ written on it and waved vigorously.

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Running through the woods, Lizard was beginning to debate the wisdom of her choice to catch up with Mariana and company. Hadn’t they said to stay put? Well! Some people just couldn’t take their own advice.  “Hmmm, maybe I should go back to camp.”

Turning around, Lizard ran back toward camp.

She stopped on the outskirts. Orcs were everywhere, and one of them had Kelsey. “Ooops. Maybe I DID make the right choice the first time.” She muttered, climbing out a branch without a second thought. Then an idea hit.

“Here's my time to shine! I'll save you, Kelsey!” Tying her rope to a tree branch, she dove off George-of-the-Jungle-like and grabbed hold of Kelsey. Laughing victoriously, Lizard exulted in the getaway...

Until they lost momentum, and ended up as just two PEFs dangling over angry Orcs.

Lizard gulped.

"Um, climb please," she requested to Kelsey.

They went shimmying up the rope nervously as a big greasy Orc hand grabbed the line and shook it violently. Oooooy, Phil was not going to like this. Lizard could feel him stirring wrathfully, sitting up in his little cricket bed with his little night cap on.

"Somehow, I just know Lizard is responsible for this," he sighed. "Why did I ever sign on with an elf hunter?"

"It's not my fault!" Lizard protested.

"Just keep climbing," sighed Phil.

Now, sitting at the top of the tree, Kelsey and Lizard watched at the Orcs brought out axes and set to work..

Lizard looked over to see Kelsey out like a light again. She poured water on Kelsey’s face and shook her.”

"Snap out of it! We've got to think, Kelsey!"

Kelsey moaned, stirring slightly.

“This is probably one of the worst fixes I've ever gotten into. I mean, I can't very well threaten those Orcs with a blowdryer and my elf whacker is not terribly effective on thick Orc skulls. Why does everything have to hit the fan at the same time with us nutty PEFs?”

Kelsey woke completely. “What’s going on?”

"The others ran off to save Elrond and Legolas and company from the clutches of ELF. Meanwhile, everyone's scattered to the four freaking corners of Middle Earth and we're stuck in a tree that's being chopped down as we speak. We elf hunters are a lucky bunch, yes?" Lizard managed to grin at Kelsey, appreciating the humor of it. "Do you have any ideas?"

“Hello!” A voice came from above.

Lizard and Kelsey both jumped and nearly fell out of the tree. Silver Elf looked down at them. “What are we doing?” she asked.

"We had better get to Rivendell to join the others! They cant rescue Legolas with out us!," Kelsey declared, and the three huntresses shimmied down the tree and sprinted for Rivendell.

“LETS GO KICK SOME E.L.F. BUTT!” Silver Elf yelled as they ran.

Lizard checked her batteries in her hairdryer as she ran. “Locked and loaded! I'm ready to go.”

They ran through the woods, three silent elf hunters cutting through the underbrush without so much as a rustle. Phil, content that at least the Orcs were no threat and happy that no one was shaking him anymore, went back to sleep.

Ahead, they could hear the faint chattering of elven voices.

“So what should we do?” Lizard slowed down to ask. “Find the others first or just bust on in there? What if the others have been captured?” They slowed even more and began to think. This could be tricky.

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“Your plan is working, Tinuviel!” Mariana exclaimed. As soon as the elves saw Luitha, Haldir screamed,

"A DWARF!!!!!!!!!! They found our camp! Get her and finish her!"

The elves ran after Luitha preparing to shoot their bows. Haldir and a few other elves remained behind in the camp.

“Should we attack now?” Mariana asked. “Oh, Leggykins looks so unprotected!! Let's do it, pleeeaaaseee!”

“Need any help?” Lizard, Kelsey, and Silver Elf emerged from the bushes with a triumphant grin on their faces and another happy reunion took place. “Shall we attack en masse and rescue our fair elves-in-distress?”

“I suggest we attack!” Mariana replied. “These elves haven't seen the power of our hairdryers yet!”

“Alright! This is it.” Undomiel gave an expressionless face as she said, “We're going in now. We get Legolas and Elrond, and get out.”

“No one is left behind, do we have that?” Nim said. “We are meeting Luitha back on the South side of the Bruinen. Ready!”

“GO!!!!” Domie pumped her arm.

“CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Mariana called, and at once the sound of hairdryers rose to full volume.

Lizard charged with a mighty war cry ripping from her throat: "GO ME!!!!!!!!" Instantly, she was a-whacking elves with her elf whacker and holding off others with her hairdryer. The others were laying about with their weapons, and the elves fell back from the fury of their onslaught.

"Someone untie the captives!" Domie cried.

Lizard noticed Haldir across the clearing, sneering. He looked like he was about to come up with some nasty way to stop the hunters.

“I don't think so, big nose!” Lizard ran over to challenge him, elf-whacker at the ready.

“Leggy! Elrond!" Tinuviel ran over to the captive and quickly undid their ropes. “Let’s go!” The captive looked blankly ahead.

"We don't want to go with you..." they replied in a monotone unison voice.

Tinuviel gasped in horror. "No..." she said faintly. "No you to! Remember Tadan, Elrond! And Tae-bo Legolas!" The elves flinched with familiarity for a moment, but did not move.

"Uh, guys? I think we have more than one critical situation here."

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” Mariana screamed. “Haldir, you and me, outside, NOW… right, we are outside, aren't we.?.. That's even better! Choose your weapons, you ugly elf!… Hey, I just remembered it, maybe insulting him will work and he will feel down? or will it make him even angrier?… UGLY ELF, UGLY ELF!” Mariana turned on her hairdryer and walked in Haldir’s direction.

Western showdown music could be heard from behind as Haldir and Lizard faced off. Haldir approached with the faint suggestion of spurs jingling. (spurs?!?!) He placed a wary hand over his bow.

"So, Lizard, we meet again."

"Yes, Haldir, indeed we do."

"Vomitted in anyone's prison lately?"

Lizard flushed angrily. Would he never let that go? "I haven't been captured lately. Seems that ELF is just too slow for us wimpy humans."

"We have a few of yours."

"Yes, and we're gonna get them back AND kick you butts."

Haldir sniffed. "Such bravado. Let's see if you're just talk."

They began to square off, circling one another. A tumbleweed went rolling past. Their eyes met in a steely glare, hatred clear in both of their faces. Then, with a cry, they both draw!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!

Lizard’s hairdryer sent his pretty blonde locks tumbling all over the place. He looked like Tina Turner! The watching huntresses immediately started laughing hysterically at the sight.

"You vile human scum," Haldir spat angrily. "I'll have your head for that."

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!

He was looking a little like Carrot Top now. The huntresses were rolling on the ground. (Luitha, meanwhile, was not amused. There was nothing funny about a little frizz and fro. If Haldir looked like Luitha after she had stuck her finger in an electrical socket, that would have been funny…)

Lizard smirked. "We'll see about that, fro boy."

Hadir sneered and prepared to leap at Lizard, and that was when Mariana arrived. She threw Tinuvie's petrolium on what was left of his hair.

"Hahahahahahahaha. UGLY ELF UGLY ELF UGLY ELF!!" She jeered.

Haldir began hyperventilating, dancing around like an idiot with his hair a gunky mess. Mariana and Lizard were momentarily incapacitated by laughter, doubling over. “Take that, Mr. Meanie Elf!” Lizard gasped as she clutched her stomach.

Then a cruel notion crossed the Lizard’s mind, the product of Phil's crankiness at being awakened yet again by her nonsense. Grabbing the peacock blue eyeshadow from Haldir's pouch while he was distracted, she whipped out the wand and dabbed his shut eyes.

“Oh my…” Mariana said in shock.

“Absolutely appalling,” Lizard agreed.

Mariana, grinning, pulled out a mirror. Haldir took one look and screeched in horror. He fled, arms waving moronically in the air.

“High five, Mariana! Go us!” Lizard squealed and the two performed a Top Gun high five as Haldir ran into the forest.

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“They called me a dwarf! I don't belive it! A dwarf!” Luitha pouted as she ran through the forest. “All right, I've got two dozen elves on my tail. Heeeeeelp!!!”

She continued riding Asfaloth as though Ringwraiths were on her tail, looking over her shoulder to check on her ‘escort’ chasing madly after her.

“Heeeelp!!!!”

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Undomiel then ran over to help Tinuviel, and she knelt in front of the two elves still staring blankly ahead.

“Elrond . . . can you hear me? Legolas?” Domie asked. They kept shaking their heads in denial.

“Oh, this is serious. Undomiel, what are  we going to do? We have to get them back..” Tinuviel studied the two elves as they started rocking back and forth with blank expressions on their faces.

“Wait!” Undomiel exclaimed. She pulled out the same purple poet shirt that she still needed to return to Lizard. “Elrond! Look. Purple. Remember Purple? And Tadan? Look, don't you remember her?” She brought out an old picture of the half-elf in question. “See? Remember . . . purple . . . Tadan . . . Tae-Bo…”

Elrond’s head swung toward the picture and the shirt and he studied them as though remembering that at one time long ago they had meant something to him.

“That's it! That's it!! Undomiel, I think he's going to be o.k!” Tinuviel started jumping up and down. Undomiel moved to Legolas.

“Legolas . . . Legolas? Remember strawberries? Strawberry bubble bath. Lizard? Nimrodel.” She pulled out pictures of these huntresses as well. “Shoot this isn't working. Ummm . . . Oh!” Domie grabbed a hairbrush from one of the younger hunters and started brushing Legolas’ hair, continuing to talk. “Remember, Legolas? The PEF's?” Then Legolas too seemed stirred by some recognition.

“I think we have them!” Tinuviel exclaimed in happiness.

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“A little HELP over here!” Luitha shouted as Asfaoth continued running. “Hey? Is that Ara....”

WHACK!

The possibility of a Ranger nearby was enough distraction to unhorse this elf.

“...treebranch...”

THUD!

“ ...ooohhh...”
 
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
August 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com