Chapter 23: Hello to... Orcs
 
 

Lizard hopped up on her horse as the PEFs and one PMF mounted up. “Hey, Legolas, you can ride with me. I SUPPOSE someone else can accompany Orli. Just don't lose him!” She waggled a finger at the group.

“Keep an eye out for Haldir,” Tadan warned. “I feel like beating him up.”

“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go...” Lizard bellowed, then colored. “Oops. I think I'm singing the wrong song. Sorry.”

“Hey, Lizard, I like the song!” Tadan exclaimed. “Perhaps it should be the theme song of DWARF! You know, 'hi ho, hi ho, to find some Elf I go’.”

“Egad, Tadan, you're right! You're brilliant! Brilliant I tell you!” Lizard exclaimed.

“I love the song Tadan!” Mariana chimed in. “I can ride with Orli... I will treat him well, don't worry  I don't think Galadriel would care if we caught Celeborn... he's such a bore!  She'll be very happy when she sees all the new dark haired elves we're taking to Lorien.”

“Do we have everyone!” a PEF called from the back. This was a standard issue question by now.

“Yes, we have everyone now! I think,” Tadan replied. “Come, Meneelda, mount upon this horse, and ride with us! Hm, while the singing would draw possibly lost Elf-Hunters in, it might also inform ELF of the intentions of DWARF. Oh well.”

Luitha groaned as she finally became conscious. “Oooooh,.. I'm awake, I'm awake, my head is pounding, I’m being bounced around.” Her groan took to a moan. “My head, I hate bouncing...” She looked up an opened an eye “...around while sitting in front of Aragorn on Asfaloth...  Hi ho! hi ho!"

The riding continued. Luitha became rather bored.

“Hey everyone!” she called. “I’ve come up with some team superlatives!”

"Rescuer most often needing to be rescued" award... Tadan and Luitha

"Most often in need of a drool cup" award... Nimrodel (and, well, everybody else)

"Head screwed on straight (most of the time)" award... Undomiel

Lizard award (ie- the "I've lost my cricket" award)... Lizard

Chloroform (ie. "Do you want to hear about amino acids")award... tinuvie

“Interesting, Luitha. However, I've only needed rescue once, as far as I can remember.” Tadan started counting on her fingers. “I think it was only when I was shot. Oh, make that twice. I fell into my own trap. I almost forgot that.”

“Hey!” Liz exclaimed. “Where’s Nim?”

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Nim strained her ears to hear a slightly off key rendition of "Hi ho..." song...

“Of course! Only DWARFS sing that one! Err...that might be a slight giveaway...? Nah, NOBODY will figure that out...”

Claude cricket began weeping in despair.

Nim pushed Figwit's cute little bum onto Arod and went trotting off in the direction of the happy tune.

VSDPEF- Nimrodel

Hmm.....notice vertically challenged, dark-haired woman dressed in primary colors examining purple sequined shoe....looks a lot like....oh, MUST be Snow White, right?

Funny, don't remember Snow White looking so malevolent....Oh well, don't need to worry about that now...

Will just snuggle up to Figwit and enjoy the scenery while catching up to other PEFs...

Claude cricket being called up for review by Management For Cricket Common Sense Board…

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"Do you hear something?” Kesley asked. “It sounds like drums off in a distance... Are we going through Moria to get to Lothlorien or are we going by Redhorn gate?”

“Ooh, lets go through the Gap of Rohan!” Tadan exclaimed. “That way, we can do some sight-seeing while we're there. I really want to see Orthanc. And that might cheer up Elrond, too. Right, Elrond?” Elrond just stared at her blankly. “I ran out of strawberry stuff,” Tadan sighed. “Does anyone have any more?”

Undomiel tossed Tadan some of the extra Strawberry lotion she had. “Here you go! I think Glorfindel's back to his old self. The . . . uh . . . Tae Bo lesson last night was quite productive… Did I just say that! Filter, Undomiel! Filter!”

Glorfindel just chuckled. Domie sighed. “I've always heard Isengard was gorgeous in the Spring.”

“Hi kids!” Nimrodel came riding up, and the entire group sighed in relief. “The Gap of Rohan? Isengard in the spring? Umm, err, I know there's something....” Nim stopped to think.

Claude cricket threw his duffel bag over his shoulder, hopped down to the road, and started thumbing for a ride.

“Well, can't think of any reason not to swing by the Tower of Orthanc...” Nim said at last with a shrug. “Hey Undomiel, I'm sort of in the mood for a fair haired type, want to trade for Figwit for awhile?”

Figwit looked vaguely affronted until he took a gander at Undomiel.

“Well, you know . . . it did take a while to catch Glorfindel, but . . .” Domie looked at Glorfindel to see his reaction, but it was obvious that there was no disapproval on his part. “Well, what the heck?” Domie said. Glorfindel stopped his Asfaloth so she could jump down, as Figwit and Nim stopped as well.

“O.K. I need my bag…” Domie and Nim smiled understandingly at each other, and it seemed Nim and Glorfindel were  already getting along stunningly. Figwit helped Domie up into the saddle, and jumped up himself. He gave the horse a swift kick and the pair rode off.

“We'll meet you a ways up, I guess!” Domie called with a giggle.

“This is being such a pleasant journey,” Mariana noted happily. “It amazes me that nothing bad happened! I wonder if Haldir is going back to Lorien too... nah, he wouldn't dare to appear to Lady Galadriel with a hair like that!”

“Well, he does hate us, and the hatred of an Elf can be a powerful thing. Just ask the sons of Feanor. It really messed up their lives.” The others looked blankly at Tadan. They seemed to be doing  that a lot lately, it seemed. “Silmarillion,” Tadan explained, wondering what kind of Tolkien fans these PEFs were.

Mariana just drooled at Orlando. Lizard giggled and clung to Legolas’ waist. Nim was gleefully squeezing Glorfindel’s butt-lik-granite. Luitha was making doe eyes at her Ranger.

Oh. Nevermind.

“Cletus, the evil cricket, is still with us, right? What are we going to do with him?” Mariana asked suddenly. No one was paying enough attention to respond.

“Ahh, napping in fresh air feels good, I think I`m back to my old self now.” Junipur sighed, kicking her horse into a trot to catch up with the Lizard. “Hey, Lizard, I think I remember something that happened while I was captured by the E.L.F. elves, it was something Haldir said, about it not being fair that he and the others were kept out of Tae bo, that is why they are hunting us, but I´m not sure I trust my memory!”

"I can’t believe that Haldir wants to do tae bo too! It must be a luxury to him!" Kelsey laughed.

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There was a knock on the hobbit bedroom that Tinuviel and Gildor were sharing.

"WHAT?," Tinni answered groggily, "Do you have any idea what time it is?!"

"Yes.", a high hobbit voice answered, "But I don't think you do. Your friends have all long left!"

"Oops."

"I got you something for your b-day Tinuviel.", Gildor said.

"Aww! You shouldn't have!" She started to unwrap the parcel with difficulty. Elves always overloaded on the tape. "Wow! Uh, Marshmellow cream!" What was he hinting at?

"Alright we better get caught up, or else we are really going to get left behind. We're not in any real hurry last time I checked so they should be pretty easy to follow, especially with the note they left us. You know, you think they would have woken us up!"

Tinuviel and Gildor dressed, thanked the hobbit for his hospitality and headed out after the PEF group.

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Riding along on her new horse, Billy Bob, with Legolas clinging to her waist, Lizard sighed happily. Aaaaah, this was the life.

“I'm glad you're enjoying Orli, Mariana. I think I have to share credit for his elven mannerisms with PJ. He sure drilled the boy! Plus, look how gorgeous he is. I suspect he may have some elven blood somewhere back in the family. Normal men just don't look like that.”

The PEFs all continued on, oblivious, unaware that back in the home of Grandubus the hobbit...

A low, foul being swept within the walls of the hobbit’s home, three ring wraiths following her like trained poodles, looking slightly less menacing in the earth tones she made them wear to complement her coloring. One of them, inexplicably, is carrying a nail file and a water bottle filled with spring water imported from Switzerland.

"W-w-what? Who are you?" Grandubus gasped, dropping a pan as they came into his kitchen. "How did you get in here? If you're with the elf hunters, they left a note on the tree out there. They're not here anymore."

The malevolent force smiled, her harlot-red lipstick gleaming in the light. "But you did shelter elf hunters?"

Something about her tone made Grandubus nervous. "Er, no. Elf hunters? What elf hunters? No, no, I can't recall."

She grabbed him by the front of his shirt and lifted him off his feet, pressing him against the wall. "Are you sure? Because then you'll be of no use to me, and I'll have to feed you to my pet ring wraiths."

The hobbit's eyes bulged. "I didn't have nothin' to do with them. They barged in here, knocking over things with their big human-sized selves, and spent the night. Now they're gone, I don't know where. Please, lady! I know nothing."

"If you don't tell me where they went, you'll be giving me a pedicure before I send you to eternity."

The hobbit shrugged. Hobbits had no aversion to feet. Then she smilingly ordered a ring wraith to remove her shoes. Obviously she'd been trekking through the woods for a while, and the appalling smell of her toes was such that the hobbit's hair started to curl more tightly, as if trying to hide.

"Ok!" he gasped. "Ok! They went to Lorien. I don't know what path they took, but they were all wearing Banana Republic so I don't know how they would resist the Gap of Rohan."

Laughing heartlessly, the evil one dropped him. "Very good. You'll be spared, hobbit, for now." And she put her shoe back on and left with her ring wraiths.

"And I thought she was scary enough in that Addams Family movie," Grandubus mutters.

--------------------------------

Kelsey listened to some kind of noise in the distance and announced, “Hmm, I am going to go ahead to see what’s over there. Something draws near and I will come back with news.” And she galloped off.

Suddenly, she heard a clash of metal and grumbling voices.

"I am not going to go one on one with a whole troop of Orcs again," she grumbled to herself, turning around and heading back to the others. A figure appeared on the distance, and Kelsey rode happily toward a friend.

"Silver Elf! Where are the others?" she called.

"I don’t know, I was looking for them myself. I just got chased by two elves fifteen minutes ago too," said Silver Elf.

"Hmm, I bet they are going to follow us to Lorien. we have to find the others because they are marching towards Isengard and there’s a bunch of Orcs there,” Kelsey informed her. The duo galloped back to the others.

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VSDPEF- Tadandader Halfelven
April 24, evening.

Have been assigned as scout, even though called 'rescuer most often needing rescue'. Elrond coming to self more and more with each kiss, but still slow. Been riding for a while. Nothing to report.

Tadan looked up from her diary, berating herself for not adding to it more often. Kelsey and Silver Elf rode right up to her.

"Hey, guys! We knew you'd make it! But how did you get ahead of us?"

"Where is everyone?” Kelsey said in response. “We gotta tell them that there are a bunch of Orcs by Isengard. Anyway, they are camping over there so I don’t think we have to go that way.”

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VSDPEF- Nimrodel

Snap out of reverie with Glorfindel long enough to realize that my Lizard senses are tingling...

Wait a second.... that's not me....

Let's try this again....

I'm with Glorfindel....  and my *censor* senses are tingling! That's right! Tinuviel shared her birthday present..mmm....

But wait, there's still something that doesn't feel right...hear some other elf hunters riding up fast, and Glorfindel, Legolas, Gildor, and Elrond suddenly go on alert. Strangely enough, so does Orli...whyfor?

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Tinuviel rode up to the group just as Tadan, Kelsey, and Silver Elf arrived. Kelsey spilled her tale of Orcs at Isenguard and how the PEF’s should avoid Orthanc and…

“Pish posh!” Tinuviel interrupted. “All those foul things need is a splash of strawberry and they run away with their tails between their legs.”

Suddenly an unexplainable chill traveled among the company. Some of the PEF's threw themselves to the ground in terror, as a dark shadow is seen briefly in the woods. The company halts. The shadow passes as quickly as it came...

Orli’s eyes widened. “It’s her! I can feel her in the air!”

“Okay, there are Orcs ahead of us, and Ricci with a squad of ELF behind us. Which do we prefer to take on first?” Tadan sighed. She muttered to herself, “I knew this couldn't be a simple, uneventful move! I knew it!”

Suddenly all the hunters dropped silent and looked meaningfully at each other. Then together they all screamed “SURPRISE!” and threw Orli confetti at Tinni. She shrieked and laughed… until they threw Orli at her.

“OOF. Thank you! You guys are the best! This is the best birthday present. Looks like Gildor's up for grabs tonight.”

“Happy Birthday!” Tadan called. “And since it's your birthday, would you rather we took on the Orcs, or Christina and the ELFs?”

“Hmmm... Christina will be work, so let's get these pesky orcs out of the way!” Tinni replied.

“Right, Tinuviel is the leader today!” Mariana exclaimed.

Nim whipped out her knives and bubble bath. “I'm pretty sure we're going to be having "orc s'mores" tonight! Not only are our elves hot, they kick a**!

“Lets hunt some Orc. Go US!” Tadan yelled.

Lizard stopped from penning a quick copyright notice next to "Lizard senses tingling" to get ready for battle. “Ok, I have an elf whacker and a hair dryer. This is not the choice weaponry to fight orcs... Hmmm...” She rifled through her bad. “Oh, more strawberry bubble bath.”

The PEF’s prepared for war and rode to Orthanc. Orcs were in the valley below, and just like some old western, they spurred on their horses with hairdryers and bubblebath in hand. Lizard kicked Billy Bob the horse forward with a war cry. “Am still the prettiest!!!!"

VSDPEF- Lizard219

I'm now squirting bubblebath like there's no tomorrow. Orcs grunt and fall around me. I see Tadan and Luitha holding up their end of the battle. Go you! Ack! That orc's sneaking up on Mariana. *SPLAT!* Got him!

Uh... Oops. I ran out of bubble bath...

“RETREAT, RETREAT... ACK! Run away, Billy Bob!” Lizard yelled. And orc grabbed her by the ankle and yanked her down from her horse. He was just about to put her lights out when Legolas jumped into the fray and stabed him in the eye with an arrow.

"Need help?" he asked, grinning. He passed Liz one of his elven blades and charged back into the fight.

“What am I supposed to do with this? Oh drat it.” She ran back into battle, wielding the blade as best as she could.

Tadan fought fiercely with her Lembas Launcher, stopped for a quick grin and kiss for Elrond, then took out a few more orcs. “We're winning! Go Us!”

Mariana raised her sword, slashed a few orcs. “Oh Boromir, Boromir, you taught me how to fight so well, why oh why did you have to go!” She cried, then muttered, “If I can correctly remember, Chevy took him, but then now Lizard admits she's been meeting him, WHERE IS HE, Lizard?”

"Ai! Yrch!" SPLAT "I think I'm getting the hang of this!” Tinni grinned and took out another orc with a high kick. “I knew all that tae-bo had to be good for something! Go me, it's ma birthday..."

"Not quite measly PEF.", a voice growled behind her, "Your birthday or no, prepare to die!" Tinni turned around to see a Lurtz like rip off approaching her.

"Hiiiya!!" Using patented tae-bo moves, she kicked the orc repeatedly in the face. The Orc struck her once in the face and she looked at him in anger. "The only person who has hit me in the face and got away with it's name is Lizard... and you’re... not.. HER!" She wailed the orc in the face, and he smashed into tree. "Yippee!"

“I think the steward has been stalking us all along, Mariana. At first he was trying to win over Luitha, but when that didn't work, he just watched,” Tadan informed her as she restocked her Launcher with lembas.

Nim continued to take out Orcs left and right with her knives. She and Legolas had done a few other things besides tae bo after all…

Undomiel chose that moment to ride into the fray. “Sorry I'm late girls, but I was a little . . . umm . . . busy, shall we say?.” Figwit gave her a Look. “O.K. so, where are . . .”

Domie stopped to the sound of an Orc sneaking up on her. She grabbed him and flipped him over onto his backside, then stood over him. “Umm . . . did you want something? Here you go.” She proceeded to squirt him with strawberry bubble bath.

“Anyway, as I was saying, where is everyone? Tinuviel, Lizard, Nimrodel . . . You o.k.? What about Silver Elf and Kelsey?? And Junipur's o.k., right? Oh, Tinuvie… I haven't seen her in a while. Where is she?” Domie shuddered. “What was that?” She turned to see four figures in brown heading towards her.

“Ummm . . . girls. I may need some backup here.”

The figure in the middle stepped forward. “Give up the human, half-elf!”

“What! Never. It takes more than a hairdryer and earth tones to frighten this elf-hunter!!” Domie gave the elf-hunting scream of “Still the Prettiest!” and went in for the attack.

The PEF’s all stopped their own fighting to see Undomiel give a Xena cry and rush some small, dark, seriously unattractive figure in the forest....
 
 

And as the PEF’s know, thus ends Elf-Lovers 1… The saga continues in Elf-Lovers 2. What that means, to the none PEF's who are still lost:

Here ends the first part of The Elf Hunt. The second part has not been named yet and will detail the huntresses' trials in Lorien and beyond. Stay tuned!
 

El Luitha 'uren
September 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com