Chapter 22: Goodbye to Rivendell
 
 
 

“O.k. We need to get these guys back to camp, stat.” Undomiel announced. “Elrond is in dire need of Tada . . . what in the world?” She looked up to see  Haldir go running by, with frizzy hair and peacock blue eye shadow.

Two PEFs, very pleased with themselves, strode back into the ELF camp after their showdown.

“You did that Liz and Mariana?” Domie chuckled. “You rock!”

“Girls, take evasive action!” Lizard announced after looking at Elrond and Legolas. “Mariana and I will keep an eye on Haldir. You take Elrond and Legolas and get someone to perform the potent Tae Bo! They will be ours again for sure that way... Although, we really need Tadan for that to work with Elrond... Shoot.”

“First, we need to grab Luitha and Aragorn, and then we head back,” Undomiel said.

The elf hunters sprinted out of the ELF camp, Legolas and Elrond lagging in the back. There was not an ELF in the forest, and the hunters started to worry.

“We haven’t beaten them all, have we?” Lizard asked, fingering her elf whacker as Phil whispered this question into her ear.

Ahead of them, the whack of a tree branch is heard, followed by the whinny of a horse.

"Luitha!" Tinuviel cried.

“Luitha!” Lizard smacked herself in the forehead. “If it's not one of us, it's another... Although, it's nice for Luitha to get rescued for a change, since she's usually doing the rescuing! Ah, brave Luitha, fallen at last... We'll save you!”

“Let's save Luitha!” Mariana cried. “I ran out of batteries... but I still have some petroleum left. Those ELF elves will see what we're capable of doing...”

The PEFs saw Luitha sitting on the ground, a hand to her head, Asfaloth no where in sight. Undomiel ran up to her in concern. “Luitha . . . you O.K?” Luitha nodded her head and opened her mouth in warning, but it was too late. Something hit the back of Undomiel’s head and she blacked out.

“Oh for crying out- There goes Undomiel!” Lizard warned the others, pulling her hairdryer out. “I've still got some juice left. I'll hold of these elves! You guys grab Luitha and Undomiel!”

WHOOSH! WHOOOOOOOOOOOSH!

"Take that!" Lizard cried, pointing her hairdryer at one particularly feasible elf. Such a shame to waste such beauty, she thought regretfully as he tore off in horror at his Luitha-in-the-electrical-socket new look.

Mariana began throwing petroleum on hair when she saw a really, really , REALLY hot elf approaching.

“Choose right now! Petroleum or Tae bo?!” she cried, pointing her petroleum at him.

"Tie bow, tie bow, whatever that is!" cried the elf.

WHOOOOOSSH!! Slowly the PEFs began backing away, dodging arrows and maneuvering hairdryers at the same time.

(Note from the editor- this is called multi-tasking and is the foundation of PEF success. Learn it well.)

WHOOOSH!! "Everybody here?" Tinuviel shouted above the brawl. "OK! Let's get out of here!" The group bolted out of danger, firing Lembas Launchers and hairdryers behind them as they retreated.

“Where are we going to?” Mariana asked as she ran. “Should we go back to the camp? Isn't it too dangerous?”

“Nowhere to go! What are we going to do?” Tinuviel asked.

“Did any grab Luitha and Undomiel? Oh, look, Aragorn got them. Good ranger. Have a ranger treat.” Lizard patted the Ranger’s head. “Ok, Junipur and the rest of the former captives escaped back to camp, yes? Sigh. I don't know how many more rescues we can handle! I hope everyone's accounted for!”

A surprised screech of pain stopped the frantically retreating PEFs, and Mariana looked down in shock.

“Can't I be more careful, I've been stepping on lots of things lately... what, a tail...? Elfcat! We found you!”

“It’s about time!” Elfcat said. “But I’ve lost some friends.” She looked rather downcast.

“Hey! I know, let's go to a hobbit's hole! No ELF elf will find us there, and we can rest for one night before we leave this place.”

“Good thinking, Mariana!” Lizard told her. “The hobbit won't like it, but then, we so seldom ASK him... Heh. Hi, Elfcat! Don't worry, we'll find your horse and missing cat.

Lizard approached the entrance of a nearby hobbit hole and rapped on the door.

“Hello?” she called out.

A hobbit opened the door. He looked around, realized his visitors were the friendly neighborhood PEFs, and tried to slam the door.

So much for hobbit hospitality.

Lizard put her foot in the door. “Heh, I should sell door-to-door or something.” She muttered as the hobbit peeked out again, indignant that the door wouldn’t shut. "Oh, come on, hobbit, we won't be here THAT long,” she told him in exasperation.

The group pushed inside, intent on leaving some seedcakes before they left to be nice.

“You hobbits are such nice little fellas... so, do you have any extra rooms?” Lizard asked.

“Now that we are safe, I need to know,” Mariana said. “Are Elrond and Leggykins OK? Do they need Tae Bo to go back to their selves? I don't mind having to teach it all from the basics to advanced!

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After resting for awhile, Tadan finally pursued her fellow PEF's and one PMF.

"Guys, Where are you?" she called out to the empty forest.

Crackling in woods caused her to turn around, and Haldir jumped out. He looked like a peacock! Tadan’s chuckling seemed to startle him, and as he hesitated, Tadan jumped on him. She stuffed his mouth full of dry leaves and tied him up with her Elf-Rope.

"Hey, buddy, old friend! You know, I don't think I like being shot. Nor do I like losing Elrond. So you are going to take me to where I can find my group and my Elf, or I'll make you look even worse."

Crying, he nodded, and lead her for a little while 'til she could see everyone in a huddle.

"Hey, guys, I'm back! How's Elrond?" she called as she rushed forward. The sight in front of her confirmed her fears of the worst. Elrond rocked back and forth, eyes unfocused and staring blankly forward. Very gently Tadan stroked his hair, trying to get him to remember her, feeling absolutely terrible because he gave himself up for her.

"Elrond, its Tadan. Its all right, I'm here."

He didn’t even seem to notice that she was talking to him.

It's time for Tae Bo, Tadan!” Mariana told a rather distraught Tadan. “He can't have forgotten Tae Bo! And... you can try a little Spanish too. And strawberry scented stuff... I think I saw strawberry pie in the hobbit's kitchen. Here!”

“Tadan, if I can do anything to help with Elrond, let me know. Try the Tae Bo,” Lizard suggested. “If that doesn't work and his mind is damaged, maybe we need to enlist help. You think Galadriel would lend a hand if we asked nicely?”

“Well, this is how another day of elf hunting (and elf escaping) finishes. At least for me. Am taking Legolas to my room and teach him the Tae Bo all over again.” Mariana sighed. “Sometimes we have to make sacrifices, right?  Goodnight, friends, see you tomorrow, and remember: WE ARE STILL THE PRETTIEST! GO US!!”

As the hobbit climbed into his bed in his suddenly overcrowded home, he grumbled loudly to himself. "They all come traipsing in here without so much as a By your leave and then expect strawberry pie and jam and what do they think this is? 1420? Strawberries ain't so easy to come by some times.

"And then that young squirt has the nerve to call me "Fairbairns" as if she didn't know my proper full name! MISTER Grandubus Fairbairns to you! 'Course, I s'pose it's better than being called "hobbit". What is the Shire coming to?"

With such ruminations, he settled into bed and blew out the candle.

“Hey-Legolas? Remember science?” Tinuvie took her turn to try and get Legolas’ memory back. “The space-time continuum? Quantum theory?” A brief expression of disgust passed across the elf’s features. “Um-chemistry! Ah-AMINO ACIDS!”

This time, Legolas actually groaned.

“Yay! I got him to talk!” Tinuvie cried. The other PEFs rushed over, and Legolas resumed his blank expression. “Ah...I think he needs some too boo or whatever you call it,” she said, handing him over to the proper certified tae bo experts. “Now back in lab as usual.”

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Undomiel grumbled and tried to remember what day it was. Morning, she knew that, and…

The ELF! She jumped up, only to hit her head on the low ceiling of the hobbit hole.

“Ouch!!” Ruefully she rubbed her head.

“Are you o.k.?”

“Glorfindel! You’re back!”

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Lizard woke up and stretched herself out with a yawn.

“Good morning, everyone. Ah, and here's Orli. He looks ‘plum tuckered out,’ the poor boy. Too much Tae Bo last night? He's so cute when he's exhausted.” In the mood to babble, typical Lizard motivation, she pulled her diary and a pen over.

VSDPEF- Lizard219

I wonder how Elrond is doing. Was the power of Tae Bo enough? I still think that Galadriel might be inclined to help. I mean, maybe if we brought her another mirror to go with the other one she's been using. How hard must it be to fix one's hair while looking into a little pool of water? Oh, she'll be grateful, I think.

So where do we go from here? We can't live with our friendly little hobbit forever. We need a new camp. Er, a nice DEFENSIBLE camp, because I think getting our tents ransacked is just no fun at all. You should see what those dumb orcs did to my Banana Republic. Grrrrr... Tried on all the jeans and stretched them all to Hades. The nerve of some creatures!

Oy. I'm tired. I think I might go back to sleep for just ONE MORE hour. Wake me up if anyone else get captured. It seems like a good alarm to set. With elf hunters, you just know it will go off promptly
---------------------------------

“Good Morning!” Mariana was almost chipper the next morning. “Well, I don't know how Elrond is, but Leggykins here is ol' good Legolas again. Of course not as experienced as before, but that can always be arranged.”

“Yes, Legolas has forgotten many things. But the fact that he reacted to the words "amino acids" shows two things:” Tinuvie, always the scientist, starting ticking off on her fingers. “A) He remembers some science and B)he hates it and by deduction, he hates me.” She sighed. “Oh well.”

Lizard explained her idea to go to Lorien for help to the gathering group of still rising PEFs.

“I'm not sure if Galadriel would help us... she's a tricky elf,” Mariana said. “But I suppose we can try. To Lorien we shall go. After first or second breakfast? Or would it be better to go after elevensies?”

“Um...are you sure that Galadriel will help us?” Tinuvie asked. “I mean, we DID kidnap most of the elves in Rivendell. We could ask Legolas to ask Gimli to ask Galadriel if she can help us." Tinuvie was a little confused. "But what will happen to the other elves while we’re away?

“I don't know about you guys, but I am taking my elves with me! And by my elves, I mean: Legolas (yeah, I know he's ours ), Figwit (Nim will agree he has to go with us), Hot Elf I captured a while ago, and Really Hot Elf I captured yesterday during the battle. (I didn't have time to ask their names ).” Mariana had made up her mind on the matter.

“Geez!” Nim muttered. “There goes Mariana and her Tae bo again! And the censors chase ME? Huh!”

“Not a bad idea, Mariana. Why not use this is that opportunity to move camps?” Liz suggested. “I mean, there are terrible things in this neck of the wilderness... Orcs, goblins, overly pampered starlets who are- thank goodness- dating musicians right now and not actors...” Lizard made a nasty face and continued.

“I'll bring Orli. I'm nervous enough about losing him again that I'm considering handcuffing him to myself. Er, but then he gets harder to share, and he seems interested in the whole Tae Bo experience of seeing different "forms" of this potent art.”

Tinuvie came out of her lab, with her elf lab assistant walking behind her carrying lots of lab stuff. “Ok, I'm ready! Can I borrow Legolas for a second?” She pulled out the books. “Now, up to where can he remember...?”

Tinuviel, after sleeping in, strode into the living room of the hobbit hole where the other PEFs were gathered, Gildor by her side.

"Looks like everybody's accounted for. I wonder what happened to that ELF we tied to the tree." Gildor shrugged at her question as though to say, “oh well.”

“Can we have second breakfast?” Lizard whined. “I’m starving…”

"I second the second breakfast!" Tinuviel backed her up, and the exasperated hobbit hurried off to the kitchen.

Tadan sighed. “Tae bo almost worked, he said my name once, but his mind is distant. If I see Haldir again I'm going to tie him up and pull his hairs out, one by one! I think that as long as we assure Galadriel that we aren't after Celeborn, or most of the Lorien Elves, we'll be fine. After all, most of the Lorien Elves look like Haldir, Rumil, and Orophin. That isn't very, um, pretty.”

“Well, this sounds like fun! We can get Elrond all cured, take a little road trip, and settle somewhere farther away from the menace of ELF.” Lizard clapped her hands together. “Wow, this should be fun!

Thunder rumbled in the distance, and the little hobbit hole suddenly went dark as all the candles in the place were blown out by the wind. The PEF's huddled together and looked out the window.

"What was that?" Lizard asked.

"Something's coming..." Domie shivered.

Thunder rolled,  booms echoed across the forest, and voice spoke from the clouds.

"Hey, could you all do me a favor? This hunt is getting waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too big. Could you start a new one or move it or something?"

"It's the Great Spider!" Nim exclaimed as the huntresses fell to their knees.

ShelobZarak chuckled from the clouds. "I'm not great anything, but you can call me that..."

"Anything you say oh Spider! We're on our way to Lorien now!" Undomiel called up.

The clouds vanished and the day returned to normal.

"I'll bet she's really a PEF in disguise," Lizard muttered.

“We're off to see the Elf-witch, the wonderful Elf-witch of Lorien! Go Us!” Tadan sang.

“Here Tadan,” Lizard said. “The hobbit wants to know if you want these ruby slippers he found.”

“I only want the purple sequin slippers. And shall we follow the yellow-stick-path to Lorien?” Tadan replied.

“You sure Elrond wouldn't try to steal those from you if you got them?” Lizard snickered and dodged a swing. “Kidding, kidding!”

“We can bring some hobbits for atmosphere... You think we can get them to sing ‘We represent the lollipop guild... the lollipop guild... the lollipop guild...’?” Tadan’s grin was growing with each song.

“Hey! I can ask Galadriel for a new conscience! Then I can give Lila's back! And tinuvie, you can ask her for an elf who loves science!” Lizard clapped her hands together and rethought her last statement. “Er... maybe all that would be pushing it.”

“I think Galadriel would be GLAD to get rid of a science-loving elf,” Tinuvie responded. “But elves like nature more than science. Wait-make them BIOLOGISTS! Glorfindel! Come here!” With new motivation, Tinuvie tore after Glorfindel, who ran from her trembling and whimpering for protection. “Oh, fine then,” Tinuvie grumbled.

“You know…” Tadan turned serious again. “I'd be kinda happy if he stole them from me. I went to put his purple boots on him for our journey, and he just stares at them blankly… All right, camp is packed. Does everyone know we're moving? I'd hate to leave anyone behind....again.”

“Here, I'm gonna pin a note to this tree,” Lizard told her, doing just that. The note read:

"To all other PEFs who maybe got lost or over did the Tae Bo last night,

We have moved on. You know where, if you paid attention to the conversation last night. If not, please inquire with our host of the previous night for more information.

Sincerely, The Management"

“Ok, hopefully that's clear enough to get everyone in the right place and vague enough so the ELF members won't follow.” Liz crossed her fingers and then linked arms with Orli. “Now, let's be off!”

“Right. So . . .  wher're we goin'?” Domie looked at the group blankly. They stared at her. “Oh, come on. I was just kidding. Off to Lorien it is.”

“Um, shouldn't we have included Luitha in that note?” Tadan asked, recieveing blank stares from the crowd. “It says PEFs, and she, um, claims to just be a PMF.” She explained. The hunters continued to stare blankly at her.

(Somewhere from in the hobbit hole as Luitha slept, still passed out from the conck to the head, the PMF shouted, “THANK YOU Tadan!”)

“Oops!” Liz smacked her head (purposely for once). “Sorry, Luitha, wherever you are. It's not that I forgot you, you just belong here so well I forget you're not one of the PEFs... Ack.”

“Okay, I'll be right back, after I add that.” Tadan ran to the note, edited it, and rejoined the party. “Okay, luckily we raided the ELF's camp for horses. Everyone pick one to ride, and one to keep your stuff on.”

 Undomiel knelt over her pack and counted items off on her fingers.

“Alright . . . Hairdryer . . Check! Mousse . . Check! Lembas Launcher . . Check! Chloroform Gun . . Check! Glorfinde…” she looked around to see him sitting near the hobbit hole entrance, taking in the beautiful day. “Check! I think I have everything.”

Tadan followed her example. “Strawberry products, orc-s'mores are still in my pack, but now I have a use for them, Elrond, on the horse, Lembas launcher, Chloroform gun, and last gas bomb. Okay, I'm all set. Let's go!”

And of course, the rest of the group had to chime in and check their supplies as well. Lizard looked at her load, rather like Sam’s in that it was twice as large. “Ok, let's see. I have my new Banana Republic small business loan application, an ordering form for new stock, my elf-whacker, my common sense, a new lembas launcher, a hair dryer WITH volumizer, plenty of strawberry bubblebath, a hair brush, a pair of leather pants I bought for Legolas, and a happy-go-lucky frame of mind! I'm all set!”

Tinuvie looked in her pack as well. “Trichloromethane, Sulpher, Liquid oxygen...
Um...shall we go?” She shouldered her bag (bumper sticker across the front reading ‘toxic chemicals. Do Not Touch without resident scientist around.’) and started singing. “The road goes eeeeeveeeeer on and on, down from the dooor where it beguuun....”

Domie joined in. “Now far ahead the road has gone . . . and I must follow if I can.”
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
September 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com