Ellen has a gag for you here:)
Q U O T E S


If the baby is anything like Ellen, it's gonna take much longer than nine months to come out!"
[Conan O'Brian after Ellen and Anne revealed that they want to have a baby...October 97]

"What she did was courageous and cool and if I was a lesbian, I'd be proud of her."
[Richard Lewis - stand up comic and star of sitcom "Anything but Love" on ET...July24, 97]

"That was the best episode of "Ellen" ever - the coming out one. It was a great hour of television"
[Drew Carey on ET...July24, 97]

"Y'know Richard, it's been a while since we've seen each other, and we all know where smelling leads."
[The Puppy Episode. April 97.]

"They don't care that I am gay...they love me no matter what!."
[Ellen taking about her two dogs. April 97 -20/20 Interview.]

"Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work."
[April 97 in a Newsweek interview regarding Jerry Falwell's comments.]

"Are you sick of me yet? I'm even sick of me. And I'm sitting down there
next to Jonathan Taylor Thomas who keeps hitting
on me. He has no idea." :)
[March 97 At Showest.]

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.
[From the book "My Point and I Do Have One"]

"Y'know, my character has a mind of her own...when i go onstage Ellen Morgan is just channelled thru me...I'm a medium....or a large....depending, and she just kinda comes thru me. Who knows what she's gonna do...she's crazy!"
[Ellen in an interview when asked about her character Ellen Morgan possibly 'coming out' Sep. 96]

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her"

Larry Sanders: Would the character of Ellen ever sleep with a man?
Ellen: Well sure, if he were feminine enough!
[Ellen on the Larry Sanders Show]

"It's so weird all the different names they have for groups of animals. They have pride of lions, school of fish, rack of lamb........."
[Ellen's Stand-up Routine]

"Salads are two pieces of dead lettuce and salad dressing that comes in that astronaut package. As soon as you open it, it's on your neighbor's lap. 'Could I just dip my lettuce, ma'am? Hmm, that'a a lovely skirt. What is that, silk?' But you know, should that happen, club soda's gonna get that stain out immediately. That's the answer to anything you ask up there, I dont't know if you've noticed that."
[Ellen talking about airline food -From "My Point and I Do Have One"]

A RIDICULOUS FEAR....Fear of losing control of the volume of your speech while saying something rude about someone sitting in front of you while at church.
[From "My Point and I Do Have One"]

"Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas."
[From "My Point and I Do Have One"]

"I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to acheive that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before."
[From "My Point and I Do Have One"]

"At The Gap they have a special changing cubicle just for celebrities - it's just like all the others except it has a star on the door and a bowl of fruit inside. Also you're not limited to three items, you can bring in four."
[From "My Point and I Do Have One"]

"I'm a godmother, that's great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that"
[From "My Point and I Do Have One"]

"The character finds out she is Lebanese.....there have been clues. She eats baba ghannouj, and hummos, there's a picture of Casey Kasem in her room......there have been clues."
[Ellen on Letterman, Oct. 96]

"But, you have every right to ask, why was I wearing your bathing suit while shaving your dog?"
(From the book "My point - And I Do Have One")

"They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over."
(Commenting on being called over to sit with Johnny Carson back in '86)

"To tell you you're fresh and clever & original, which was all I ever wanted to be. I don't wanna be just good, I wanna be original, I wanna be myself and so that was amazing to hear that from him."
(Ellen to Oprah on what Johnny Carson said to her)

"I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like I can't believe you don't remember me - Oh Dad I'm sorry!
(Ellen on Oprah Winfrey 95)

"I see men who love dressing up as women - like - transvestites and I'm thinking - what is wrong with you that you would like - you don't even have to - you're a man and you're dressing up as a woman!
(Ellen on Oprah Winfrey 1995)

"Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating - where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour. And then they start dropping, and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself.... Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone. I don't know about you, but if I'm one of those two birds & you're getting close to the ground... I would seriously consider fakin' it."
(Stand up Routine)

Why must women wake up and paint their faces? Who came up with this idea? What's wrong with washing and moisturizing?
("My Point & I Do Have One".)
I went to the Gap yesterday and saw a really nice outfit.....a cute little vest and some khaki pants.
(Reply when asked what she was wearing to the 1996 Emmys)


Just to be nominated for two (Emmys) is a really big deal for me so next year I realise the more that I get involved with, the more chance of being nominated so I'm actually doing a lot of the lighting on the show this year.
(Entertainment Tonight, August 1996)


My family - we had a petting zoo for the family business. Well we had 2 sections - a petting zoo and a heavy petting zoo for people who really liked the animals just a whole lot.
(Stand up Routine)

"You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.
(US Magazine, January 1995.)

"I'm usually a lot funnier, but in interviews I'm thinking, and I'm a lot funnier when I'm not thinking"
(Interview in US Magazine, January 1995)


"On his show he's more commenting on the weirdness of George and Kramer, and I am the one who gets sucked into the eye of the storm. And I was also a lot more physical on stage - instead of saying, 'aren't they weird,' it was like, 'No, I'm weird.'
(Commenting on comparisons with herself & Jerry Seinfeld in US Magazine January, 1995)

<> "My parents were extremely cruel to me. We had fire drills round the house so that in case of a fire we each had a special duty. My father had to grab the pets, my mother grabbed the jewellery, my brother ran out to get help and they told me to try and save the washer and dryer."
(Stand-up Routine)

"As a kid I used to wander the woods - my parents put me there!"
(Stand-up Routine)

"The first time I heard Melissa was on my car radio - that song 'Bring Me Some Water', 'I'm Thirsty, Could Somebody Give me Something' or whatever it was called. The first time I heard her I thought it was Tina Turner."
(Ellen talking about Melissa Etheridge in Rolling Stone, August 1995)

"I first met Melissa in the early 60's. OK that's not true. We started hanging out six years ago. I never went up to people in the street but I said, 'You're so great' She was nice I think she said "Do you need some change?" She was there to buy speaker wire for a party she was having that she didn't invite me to."
(Rolling Stone, August 1995)

"In this town, you've got your 800-pound gorillas. Your meek, squashable rabbits. And your jackasses, a whole lot of jackasses. When the show started, I was a little bunny, and now I'm a chimp. A big chimp. A friendly, lovable chimp."
(Entertainment Weekly)

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today. We don't know where the hell she is."
(Stand-up routine)

"High heels should be outlawed (at the very least there should be a five day waiting period before you can buy them). It should be mandatory that the Surgeon General print a warning label on high heels like they do on a package of cigarettes (i.e.,Warning: These shoes can lead to lower back pain, aching toes, and the illusion that you are taller than you actually are.)"
(From the book 'My point & I Do Have One' by E. DeGeneres)

"The doctor came in later. He said that my blood looked good and that my urine was clear and looked good too. That calmed me, until I realised that I hadn't even had a urine test. Either he had looked at somebody else's urine or he found me attractive and this was one of his pick-up lines. Maybe I was supposed to tell him that his urine was clear and looked good also."
(From the book 'My Point-and I Do Have One')
"Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write `over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: `And so Kathy and I went shopping and we--' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she just ended it that way."
(Entertainment Weekly)

"We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98% of the time, that 2% doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning. It just takes a crack in the sidewalk - one little trip. We feel like fools, turning back to look at it. 'There's a pebble, somebody better put up some orange cones to warn others. Everybody's gonna trip like I did.' Then we look back that one more time to show the pebble who's boss, 'Damn pebble, why-I-oughta..." (From Ellen's book "My Point-and I Do Have One")




ellenheads here
since November 18, 97

I'd love to hear from you! Linda Hillier


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