Deus ex Machina

by Elvichar

Part 2
Based on the Hercules Universe (owned by someone else)
Pairings: We’ll see
Rating: Might even get up to NC17 - don’t know yet

“Ares?” Joxer asked, generally.
“What?” The creature who looked remarkably like Aphrodite snapped.
“Oh - just checking.”Joxer grimaced.
The real Aphrodite was standing opposite, staring at her brother. The two gods didn’t move for several minutes.
Iolaus could have sworn the air was crackling. And it was. This was just perfect - he’d been trying to avoid sticky situations with gods all his life and now this.
He looked over to Joxer who was staring open mouthed.
“Joxer,” he whispered, “Why don’t we just sneak away and leave these two to their argument - we can’t do anything.”
Joxer nodded slowly. He gently raised himself up to his feet and followed the hunter, who had already made it to the undergrowth. Unfortunately his armour got in the way.
Aphrodite and Ares looked away from each other and towards Joxer. They immediately looked back at each other, ignoring the hapless would-be-hero. Much to his relief.
He took the opportunity to follow Iolaus into the bushes before the gods changed their minds.
And they had both changed enough already.

*************************

From the bushes Joxer and Iolaus could hear the sounds of some really noisy fighting. The night sky was lit up by swirls of pink and silver as both gods vented some of their anger on each other.
After it seemed like the display had gone on for hours, everything suddenly went quiet.
“Right now we’ve got that out of our system Ares. I’m off to start a few wars. If you don’t want to play that’s fine - but you’re staying like that for at least a week so you may as well get in character.”
With a flash of a deep red and a shower of tiny daggers, Aphrodite disappeared. “And that’s style, Ares.” a voice echoed in the clearing after she had gone.
A bedraggled Ares stood and pouted.
“Joxer - Iolaus - get here. NOW!” The former-war-god screamed.
The two came out of the bushes looking contrite and scared. Neither knew what to expect.
“What is it ‘Di...uh...Ares?” Iolaus asked innocently.
“My ditzoid sister seems to think you two were ‘made for each other’ which is so totally off the mark I’m not going to even attempt to prove her wrong. She just is wrong. Ok.” Aphrodite’s face snarled at the two men. They both nodded quickly.
“And if I so much as suspect you two getting up to anything - and I mean anything - you are both going to be very very sorry. Do I make myself clear?” Joxer laughed. Iolaus glanced at him - begging for him to shut up.
“No - it’s so funny. Me and Iolaus? Hah - me and him.”
Iolaus tried not to look hurt, “Wha...” Then he twigged. Joxer was a lot cleverer than people gave him credit. “Yeah me and Joxer - ridiculous. Never going to happen. Way beyond the realms of possibility. No way.”
“Right. So I’m right. Obviously. She is wrong. I’m better at being love goddess than her. Now I can go back to being me. ‘Dite - okay you can come back now. You’ve made your point. And I won.”
There was no response.
“Aw come on play fair.” Ares adjusted the transparent material covering the “love goddesses’ ” breasts. He looked down to see they were securely in place then shook his legs out in a very unladylike manner. “I’m done Aphrodite. There’s no way you can do better.”
Ares waited. And waited. Iolaus coughed nervously. When it was apparent she wasn’t going to come back, Ares snarled and disappeared. Instead of rose petals, Iolaus and Joxer were pelted with entire roses. Huge, cabbagelike black roses with enormous sharp thorns.
“And remember - I can see everything,” a voice trailed behind.

*********************

Ares had returned to Olympus. He’d tried to change back to his usual form but for some reason it just wasn’t happening. He had however managed to get out of the pink chiffon and into a leather ensemble. He was inspecting the effect in the mirror when Discord appeared.
“Aphrodite - dig the new look. Trying to copy me eh?”
Ares turned around and smiled slowly. “That’s right - I soo wanted to like you. You’re the best Discord,” He fluttered his eyelashes.
“Hey babe - cool it. I’ve got enough problems with Ares and Strife hero worshipping me.”
“Ares hero worships you?”
“Well yeah. He’d never admit it - but I think he’s got a bit of a crush on me.” Discord laughed.
Ares felt his nails digging into his palms. Crush - on Discord? She was going to die.
“I have not got a crush...” He stopped himself suddenly.
“Woah - freaky city. Dite I had no idea you felt this way about me,” Discord’s eyes widened and she ran her tongue across her lips quickly, “Course - I’m sure we could come to some arrangement.”
Ares bit his lips, stifling a laugh. Oh there were definite possibilities for manipulation here.

*********************

“So are we going to split up - go in opposite directions?” Joxer asked. He really didn’t want to stop travelling with Iolaus. But then again he didn’t want to make Ares mad.
“No. Don’t be silly. We’re not not doing something because Ares says we’re not.” Iolaus paused.
“We’re not?”
“No we’re not.”
“But what do you mean? Are you saying....”Joxer narrowed his eyes and looked at Iolaus questioningly.
“Maybe. Of course we shouldn’t do anything just because Ares doesn’t want us to either. That would be silly.”
“Yeah...silly.” Joxer nodded sagely. Although truthfully he’d lost the conversation sometime before the first “not”.
“So we should if we want to. But if we don’t we shouldn’t. But it has nothing, repeat nothing, to do with what Ares does or doesn’t want.”
“Right.”
“We’re not afraid of him anyway - are we. I mean what could he do to stop us?” ” He’s the goddess of love now anyway - he can’t do anything bad to us - Aphrodite might not swap places with him if he did anything. He’d have lost their bet - he might have to be Dite for ever,” Iolaus chuckled. Joxer joined in.
“So - are we going to do this?” Joxer grinned. This was starting to sound like fun - whatever it was.
He soon found out what it was. And it was fun.

**************

Joxer and Iolaus had not got very far when Ares appeared. With Discord.
Both of them were looking mean and angry.
Joxer was facing them. Iolaus’ face was buried in Joxer’s neck, so he really wasn’t in any position to see anything else.
“Uh Iolaus - Iolaus...”Joxer was desperately trying to get the blond’s attention but his mind was elsewhere.
“Do you guys never listen?” Aphrodite’s angry voice, with definite hints of Ares, echoed through the clearing and alerted Iolaus to the dangerous situation.
Calmly he turned around, “Nice outfit,” he said before returning to what he was doing. Joxer gulped. He could see the expressions on the two goddesses’ faces.
“Dite - ya want me to waste ‘em?” Discord smiled maliciously.
Iolaus turned around again and looked straight at Ares, “I wouldn’t do that - it’s not really very love goddess-like behavior is it? The war god might not like it very much - if you get my meaning.” Iolaus smiled.
Ares blanched. Discord looked confused. “Dite - you all right?” She turned to Iolaus, “What’s Ares got to do with this little man?”
“You mean she doesn’t know?” Iolaus laughed.
“Know what?”
“Hey Aphrodite must have fixed it so no one else knows!” Joxer said suddenly. “Just me and you and Ares and Dite.”
“All right can someone tell me what’s going on here?” Discord was looking pained, she glanced at her travelling companion. “Has Ares set me up here?”
Aphrodite appeared. Looking tall dark and handsome and a lot more in charge than her brother appeared to be at that moment.
“Ares!” Discord shouted at the new arrival, “What are you up to?”
Aphrodite looked Ares up and down, “What have you done with the pink?” She exclaimed, “Do you really want to go around looking like a cheap knock-off of Discord?”
“Hey Ar - leave her alone. She’s just finding her style,” Discord snarled at Aphrodite.
“You think I should go back to the pink then?” Ares said with mock sweetness.
“Hey - have I changed this look? No - because we’re supposed to be doing the job properly. You have to really work at this,” Aphrodite grinned, “Ok ...sis?”
Ares knew with sudden clarity that Aphrodite was not going to let him get out of this easily. It was her game and she was a vicious player. If he broke her rules he might never get to be the god of war again. And he did so like being the god of war.
Aphrodite smiled at Joxer and Iolaus, “I knew it. How cool is this?”
“Uh...Ares,” Ares said smiling, “Leave the love stuff to the love goddess - right.” If Aphrodite was going to have rules the least she could do was stick to them.
“If I find you messing this up you are never getting this body,” Aphrodite said menacingly, “Do I make myself clear? Oh and by the way - I’ve started six wars today - what have you done?”
Ares was about to say something about fanning Discord’s lust for Aphrodite’s body - but he thought that might not go down to well with the previous owner. Or maybe it would. He suppressed a chuckle - hey he should try being the god of mischief next week. Strife had nothing on him
He thought quickly.

****************

Aphrodite - still in her Ares guise - had disappeared. Discord stamped her foot.
“What are you two laughing at?” Discord was fuming. She hated it when there were secrets she wasn’t in on. And there was definitely some sort of secret here. Iolaus and Joxer were almost rolling on the floor, clinging to each other as their laughter grew along with other parts.
“What? What’s going on?”
“Discord, let’s just leave these two to it. They’re beyond all hope,”Ares said with more than a touch of regret. “Looks like we’re going to have to find some other mortals to tor...to...uh...infuse with the spirit of love. Yeah. I’m the love goddess. I can do this. No problem.”
Discord looked at her companion regretfully. Aphrodite had obviously lost it. Still - the ditzier she got the more of an easy mark she’d be. An image of a helpless love goddess chained to a wall flashed through her mind.
“Oh Discord?” Ares said with saccharine-sharp tones, “Would you like to help me spread a little love?”
Discord coughed, “Well that depends...”
“Cupid is just a little bit over worked. I think maybe we should borrow his bow and shoot a few people - just to help them along. And we could start with Cupid himself - he’s ever so lonely. Wouldn’t that be nice?”
“Who we going make him fall in love with?” Discord was really enjoying herself now. She was going to get to shoot people.

*************************

Cupid was sleeping when the two goddesses arrived.
“This is way too easy.” Discord whispered as she grabbed the bow and arrows.
Cupid stirred as they left his room. He felt for the bow and immediately realized it was missing. He jumped up as Discord and Ares flashed out of the room, and he immediately followed.

**********

“Will this work?” Discord had no idea what was on Aphrodite’s mind - but if it was going to cause trouble she was definitely in.
“I don’t know,” Ares smiled. “What do you think?”
They waited while Cupid found them.
“Now!” Ares shouted. Discord shot two arrows one at Cupid and one in the opposite direction. Both hit their mark simultaneously.
Cupid blinked happily at the object of his affection.
Joxer smiled back.
“Joxer?” Iolaus looked at Joxer, then at Cupid - then at Discord and Ares. Then back at Joxer and Cupid as they walked towards each other. Cupid had started desperately trying to tear Joxer’s clothes off. Cupid - never one for wearing much - was already naked.
Iolaus stared open mouthed at the spectacle. Completely at a loss.


**********************************


Strife had followed when Cupid had gone after the two bow-stealers. He was now hiding in the bushes in a state of shock.
When Discord and Ares had popped in to carry out their plan, Strife had been very close. Closer than they imagined.
The proceeding hours had been marked by a lot of loud and energetic sex between Strife and Cupid.
When the two goddesses had arrived the two gods were sleeping it off.
It had all come as a bit of a surprise. Cupid had been down - he had drunk far too much nectar and was keen to be with someone who could make him forget about his non-existent love life with Psyche. He also seemed convinced that his mother had abandoned him. To be honest Strife hadn't really been listening - the offer of free sex was in the forefront of his mind. He really didn't care about any stupid problems Cupid might be having.
But then, just as he was beginning to think it was time to start all over, he'd heard someone coming and decided to disappear before he was seen. He wasn't really up to explain his budding relationship with the winged god. Not to his mother. He certainly didn't want to go through all the stuff about "letting the house of war down".
And he was sort of starting to care about Cupid. Which was really not on.
But now, Discord seemed to have done the exact same thing - with Aphrodite. And boy did Aphrodite look hot.
And not only was Cupid naked and doing the do with someone other than Strife, he was doing it with Joxer.
Joxer the Mighty, a deceptively good lay, Strife had always thought.
He felt like wailing. Two perfectly good fuck-toys gone. And his mom had got to the new-look Goddess of Love before he'd had the chance to try it on there.
Life was so unfair.
Still it looked like curly-blondie boy was going to be at a loose end for a while.


************************


Far away Aphrodite had begun to get bored with starting wars. It had been great for a while but then people started to get killed and it got all icky.
She needed a little R and R. She needed to be with Heph.
Yeah that would be fun.
She flashed out of the battlefield of Thrace and into Heph’s forge.
At first Hephaestus didn’t notice the intruder, he was bashing away at a piece of metal trying to figure out what to make next.
Aphrodite coughed to draw his attention. He didn’t hear, so she sneaked up behind him and kissed his neck.
Very slowly the god of fire looked around.
“Ares?” Heph’s eyes were wide. This wasn’t something he unexpected.
“Oh,” Aphrodite had forgotten her deal with Ares, so carried away was she by the thought of being with the love of her life.
She suddenly realized that if she was going to insist Ares kept quiet about their swap, she’d have to do the same. It was only fair.
But that meant she couldn’t tell Heph about it either.
Hephaestus just stared, waiting for an explanation.
Aphrodite tried to think of something believable, “I... er... got to go.”
She left quickly. Hephaestus still stood there at his forge, the bit of metal hanging loosely from his arm.
“Ares?” He said to himself again.


*****************************


Joxer and Cupid were now too far gone to notice anything that was happening around them.
“Why did you do that?” Iolaus looked mad.
Ares laughed. “Well I did tell you.”
“What about Aphrodite?” Iolaus asked.
“What about Aphrodite?” Discord echoed. “She’s the goddess of love - she can do what she wants.”
“Exactly,” Iolaus said knowingly.
“’Fro - what’s this little man talking about?” Discord was getting bored now, and she didn’t like being confused.
“Nothing Discord. He doesn’t *know* what he’s talking about.” There was no way Ares was going to let one of Hercules’ friends win an argument. He knew was right. Everyone else was wrong. That’s the way it worked.
“Let’s just get out of here,” Discord was getting extremely impatient now. She flashed out before Ares had time to answer.
“Well that was a job well done I’d say,” Ares smiled. “I’d like to see Aphrodite top that.” Ares followed Discord. Leaving Iolaus alone in the clearing.
The hunter could hear Joxer and Cupid in the distance, but he couldn’t see them. They were obviously having quite a time.


***********************


Strife smiled to himself. This seemed like a good time to strike.


On to the next part of Deus ex Machina

Back to Elvichar's World