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Deus Ex Machina

by Elvichar

Part 5



See previous parts for disclaimers etc

Hephaestus had realized something odd was happening. He just wasn’t sure what it was.

"Dite - are you willing to give me up so I can be with Ares?" he asked Ares, "That’s so.." He was going to say sweet, but that probably wasn’t the best word to use. And why was Aphrodite dressed in those leathers? Yes they made her look mighty good, but...

"Heph, look at me," Aphrodite grabbed Heph by the collar and placed her face very close to his. "Do you notice anything different?" The fire god really didn’t know how to answer that. Yes Ares looked a little different. He looked a lot more appealing than now that he was suddenly available. But apart from that? No, he didn’t look any different. Aphrodite on the other hand looked completely different.

"I am not Ares!" Dite shouted. "Heph - don’t listen to him - he’s lost it," Ares said. "And as love goddess I think you should just ignore him and come to me. NOW." Heph extricated himself from Aphrodite’s grasp and turned to Ares. "Yes. I’m sorry." He hung his head and moved closer to Ares. "Will you forgive me." He was still wavering - but he’d rather not make his consort mad at him.

Ares reached out and hugged Hephaestus, who placed his head in his comforting bosom. "There there Heph, mommy’ll make it better," the erstwhile god of war said. He grinned at Dite.

Dite growled and stamped her foot.

Discord giggled. "Well Dite looks like it’s you and me eh?"

"But he thinks it’s me!" Aphrodite wailed. "I’ve won."

"All right but you try telling Ares that." Discord smiled and gestured towards Ares and Hephaestus who were very definitely into one another. With several parts of each other’s anatomy.

**************************************

Iolaus and Joxer were staring at each other angrily.

Joxer was so mad at the blond. He’d just gone too far.

"Well I’m going to stop you if you try to do anything to harm Ares," The pseudo-warrior said. "Oh yeah. How you going to do that - by tying me to that tree perhaps. Or overcoming me with your fabulous weapon?" Iolaus was actually referring to Joxer’s battered sword, but he noticed a blush appearing on his companion’s face. He could see something large from the corner of his eye - he couldn’t help looking downwards .

Joxer looked away. "Sorry Iolaus I think that arrow is having some strange after-effects on me."

"Some very special effects from the looks of it!" Iolaus guffawed. He looked up. Joxer looked back towards his face and then away again quickly. This was so embarrassing.

Iolaus started to laugh.

"What? What’s so funny?" Joxer looked pained.

"I’m sorry Jox it’s just you - here - naked - trying to have a serious conversation. I’m sorry I just can’t do it any more."

Strife and Cupid had long since stopped taking notice of the other two. The arrow had obviously stopped working on Cupid. When it came to Joxer at least. Strife had started by licking away the tears that had streamed down the winged god’s face, and had quickly progressed to licking, biting and sucking other bits of him. Cupid was standing there with his eyes closed just letting it all happen - not really giving but definitely getting.

Iolaus nodded over to the pair. "Looks like they’ve forgotten about the Ares problem."

"maybe we should," Joxer said quietly. He couched and started again, "I mean there’s no reason we shouldn’t - it’s... you know...I..."

"Joxer. Shut up." Iolaus said.

"Oh, I’m sorry ...I just thought..." Joxer was stung.

"No I mean stop talking - just do it. If it’s good enough for the gods it’s..." He didn’t get any further. Joxer took his advice and kissed him hard. Maybe a little too hard. Iolaus pulled away, finding it difficult to breathe.

"Okay - maybe we should take this a bit slower after all. You can do slow can’t you?" Iolaus smirked.

**********************************************************

"Well I’ve had enough of this!" Aphrodite snarled, "I want my body back."

"Babe, with a body like that I’d want it back too," Discord said. And front, sideways and upside-down she thought.

Dite closed her eyes and concentrated as hard as she could. It was a twisty-turny spell she’d woven , it wasn’t that easy to undo. She heard a gasp from Discord. and she did feel different. She opened her eyes.

Ares was still kissing someone - someone who looked suspiciously like Aphrodite.

"Nooo." Dite said. What had gone wrong? She looked down. "Heph. Why am I Heph?"

The couple by the tree looked up. "Ares?" Aphrodite's’ body said. "Dite?" Dite’s body looked puzzled, it looked down and around, and then at Ares. "What’s happening?" It said., reaching out to touch Ares. "Oh!"

Discord looked back and forth. This was just getting better and better.

Aphrodite ran forward and grabbed Ares. "Did you do this? Is this your fault?"

"Heph?" Ares said, "How did you get over there?"

"It’s me you idiot!" Aphrodite bawled. Ares and Dite both looked around to the Aphrodite-like figure standing staring down at its body.

"Heph is that you?" Dite asked.

The figure looked up and blinked. "What’s happened?" Heph said quietly.

"Don’t worry I’ll sort this out - everything will be back to normal soon," Aphrodite promised. She closed her eyes again. And opened them. Nothing happened.

"Dite - have you done it?" Ares asked.

"I think Ares I can safely say ‘I’ve done it’." Aphrodite sat on the ground and put Heph’s head in her hands. "I’ve definitely done it." What was wrong -why hadn’t it worked. Ares was Ares again. Why was she Hephaestus?

"Ares?" Heph said quietly. "I’d like to go now."

"Go where?" Ares looked at the small blonde figure in front of him, a familiar face looking more soulful and sorrowful than he’d ever seen it. Not even when he and Dite where making Cupid had he felt so much... what word would describe it? A little voice answered ‘compassion’. Compassion? Where had that come from? The god of war feeling compassion? Unheard of. But then again there was also a huge amount of lust mixed in there. That was more like it.

"I don’t want to be Heph!" Dite wailed. "I want to be pretty again."

"Can it Dite - you’re not the only one having to adjust here - what about Heph?" Ares clucked. She was so shallow. What had he EVER seen in her?

"What about Heph? Heph is gorgeous - he’s got MY body. But look at me, I have to be him!"

"Aphrodite! I can’t believe you said that. You are just going too far. Now change Heph back and stop whining," Ares scolded.

"I can’t - that’s what I’m saying . I don’t know what’s gone wrong." Ares looked back and forth between Heph and Dite, "You mean - you’re stuck like that?" Dite bit her lip and nodded.

Discord laughed. "Oh this is just such a ball. OK - who do I get. Who won?" Two faces looked at Discord and growled simultaneously.

"Hey - I was just asking. So.. Is Heph up for grabs now? ‘Cos he looks pretty hot for a change," Discord said obliviously.



Dite was gritting her teeth. This shouldn’t be happening, it was so gnarly.

Heph was still in shock. He clung to Ares, his eyes wide open.

“Why am I over there?” He asked quietly, staring at Dite.

“Heph - I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but your wife is an idiot,” Ares grinned.

“Hey!” Dite protested.

Heph pulled away from Ares and tried to recover himself. “You were her and she was you?” He asked, everything clicking into place.

“Pretty much,” Ares said.

“So when I was kissing her it was you - and when you kissed me it was her?”

“Um... yeah.”

“But why is she me now?” Heph wailed. That was the funny thing about being trapped in Dite’s body, you couldn’t help acting all girly and helpless - no matter what a big strong man you were normally. It must have come with the territory.

Dite stood up and brushed the dirt from her backside. She turned around and glared at Discord.

“You did this - admit it!” She shouted.

Discord shrugged, “don’t look at me babe - or should I say scarface?” Dite laughed.



******************************



This wasn’t exactly slow.

Joxer wondered whether Iolaus had ever done any wrestling - because he certainly seemed skilled at this.

The two men were a tangle of arms and legs. You would have had to look hard to discover where Joxer ended and Iolaus began. And Strife and Cupid were certainly looking hard.

“Well!” Cupid whispered, “I wouldn’t have thought it, but it looks like mom was right about those two.”

Strife nodded, “You feeling better Cupe? Because I can think of a few things that’ll help you get over Joxer there.”

Cupid laughed, “Well Iolaus is certainly getting all over him.”

“That was weak Cupid. Maybe you should just shut up now,” Strife demonstrated by plugging Cupid’s mouth with a very insistent tongue. The two gods disappeared in a shower of fire and light.



**************************************



“Discord - don’t lie to me. You did this. No doubt about it,” Dite snarled.

“You did it to yourself Dite - you shouldn’t mess around with people’s lives!” Discord said ironically. She was loving this. Nothing turned her on as much as torture.

“Hey Dite - it’s not so bad. Ares said. You’re actually pretty sexy looking like that,” Ares laughed.

Heph blushed. Ares thought he looked pretty sexy - even if he was presently not in his right body that was still so...wow. Ares thought he was sexy.

“I look like shit!” Dite said, completely oblivious of the Heph’s feeling, “Look at me all scarred and ugly - it’s humiliating.”

Heph growled. He strode forward and punched Dite as hard as he could, knocking her out completely. He didn’t normally go around hitting women, but these were exceptional circumstances.

Discord started cheering. This was so fun.

“Ares!” Heph announced, “ I don’t know how long I’m going to stay like this - but I want the truth. Do you want me?”

Ares stuttered, “Um..er...well..yeah.”

“I’m talking about me me. The scarred ugly me. The one who everyone shuns and avoids.”

“Heph - I can honestly say I do.”

“Good. Now how do I get back to my body?”

“Heph - I think I can help,” Discord smiled, showing her little pointy fangs to their best advantage.

“So it was you?” Ares knew it.

“Well not all along,” Discord said, “although I’ve got to be honest I couldn’t have caused more disharmony if it had been me. Dite obviously has hidden talents. I think you two should swap for good!”

“Oh no - I’ve had quite enough of being in her body thank you,” Ares shook his head.

“No stupid - I mean I think I should get Dite. You did promise. I can train her up real good. Better stilI I could be the new War, and she could be the new Discord - a nice little lackey. Hey what do you say? I think I have won the bet.”

“Discord are you completely insane?”Ares raised his eyebrows.

“Well of course - but War is mad. I’d be perfect. And I think ‘Fro has demonstrated very well how very destructive she is. And you’ve brought a few lovers together.”

“I have?” Ares was confused.

“Shh...” Discord said. They all listened intently. “There can you hear it?”

Far in the distance the sounds Joxer and Iolaus were making were proof.

“Oh - yeah, but Dite said that was meant to happen,” Ares said.

“But you made it happen,” Dite said.

Ares had to admit that, indirectly, he did indeed make it happen.

“We got a deal. I can get old fire-features back in his right body if you agree. Or he can be Dite for ever. Your choice. But you have to let me be War. And like I say, Dite gets to be my slave. And you can be Love,”

“Discord you’re being unreasonable,” Ares protested.

“Yes I am - but you have no choice.”

Ares was about to point out that he had every choice. He was back to normal - why should he care what happened to... but then he noticed Heph looking at him sadly.

And would it really be so bad to be Love. Besides, he was sure he could probably con Discord into letting him be War again if he ever changed his mind.

“Ok Dis. You win.”

Discord swapped Dite and Heph back round and revived the dazed former love-goddess.

“Hey Dite - good news - I get to do with you what I will, for ever more,” Discord smiled maliciously.

Dite blinked, “Er- ok,” she said slowly. She looked at Discord and smiled suddenly. That actually sounded like a totally rad idea.

“And I get to be Love,” Ares tutted, “I hope you appreciate the sacrifices I’ve had to make to get Discord to turn you back.”

“You’re going to be Love?” Dite laughed. “Cool.”

To be honest she was sort of tired with the whole gig any way. I’d do her good to be doing something else for a while. //Doing Discord// she thought, and giggled suddenly.

She looked at Ares and Heph. They actually looked pretty good together.

“Hey Ar - you see what I meant about some people being made for each other - no matter what other people think.”

Ares looked at Dite, then he looked at Heph and smiled.

“Hey - and I’ve got someone to play with now!” He said.







In a clearing on the other side of the woods two mortals were curled in each other’s arms. Sated and exhausted. They wouldn't be doing that again - for another hour at least.

Up in Olympus two minor gods were mending each other’s broken hearts in very athletic and novel ways.

And at Heph’s forge the new Love god was teaching the Fire god how to make sparks.

Dite looked at the new War goddess.

“So I’m supposed to do what you say from now on?" Dite asked. “Well I’ve got an idea - bite me!”

Yeah that was a good idea thought Discord.



THE END

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