by Elvichar
Iolaus had gone to join Alexander's army, but it wasn't to have 'fun'.
Despite all the tales of noble deeds that seemed to come up whenever the general was mentioned, Iolaus knew him to be nothing but a thug, a tyrant and a systematic destroyer of all the blond held dear.
A month ago King Alexander had visited
Thebes to quell a revolt. He'd massacred thousands.
Two years ago- just before the Ares incident - Alexander had destroyed
the Sacred Band of Thebes.
Years before Iolaus had been a member of the band of warriors - briefly, but it was long enough to instil into him the qualities of brotherhood and friendship. Sure there was the sex too - but over riding all that was the loyalty and commitment to those you fought beside.
He'd let the destruction pass - bottling up the rage. But now the King had gone too far, the whole of Thebes had been crushed. And Hercules didn't seem to care.
Iolaus had a plan - a fuzzy half-formed plan, but still possibly effective. Iolaus was going to join the army, infiltrate it, and turn Alexander's men against him.
A lot of the soldiers would join him - he was sure.
Until he met Alexander.
The man was so young, and barely the same height as Iolaus, but he seemed to tower above his men. The blond looked around at the awestruck faces of the soldiers as they stood enthralled at his command.
This was not going to be such an easy task.
Alexander had been proclaimed a son of
Zeus by two separate oracles - so it seemed he was another one
of Hercules' brothers. Ares had sided with the Macedonian
in a way he never had with Hercules, so that was another difficulty to overcome.
Now he was here Iolaus' hatred of Alexander had begun to dissipate. He'd expended so much energy in getting here - and he had fought with Hercules.
He hadn't told his friend all the reasons for his determination to to join the army.
Two years ago it had looked like something was finally going to happen between him and the demigod. Ares had seduced Hercules in the guise of Hercules and Hercules had learned some things about Iolausí past. Iolaus was sure the incidents had been a breakthrough. But it was as though Hercules was encased in some impermeable substance. Every time Iolaus thought he chipped away the layer, reached the real Hercules inside, the layer seemed to thicken. Maybe it was a half god thing - Iolaus sometimes wondered if Hercules was on a completely different plane - as if he'd only open up to another god or half god or legendary creature. Deianeira had been mortal - look what happened to her. Hercules had let Serena in and even her status as last of the hinds hadn't protected her. Xena - well she was quite obviously part god in some way - and Hercules certainly responded to that.
Iolaus - well what did he have to offer? Not half-god, not even quarter god.
Nothing more had happened after that one night. When Hercules had woken in the morning he remembered nothing. He didn't even know how he'd got into bed with Iolaus, he had no idea why he was even there.
Iolaus had wanted to explain everything, but he realized Hercules had been drunk. A sober Hercules would never have done all the things he'd done that night - and boy the things he did.
In fact Hercules had known exactly what he was doing, but Iolaus' refusal to talk about it the next day had driven him away. From that day they'd maintained a stony silence about the incident. Both wanting to reach out to the other, both prevented by a mixture of pride and fear about what the other might do.
But Hercules hadn't understood why Iolaus had to come here - if nothing else to try to exorcise the past.
Alexander stood before his vast army. All his soldiers were important to him - without their blind loyalty it would have been difficult for him to achieve his goals. But not impossible. Not when everyone believed him to be of the gods.
His eye rested on an angry looking, slightly bedraggled figure in the crowd. He made a mental note to seek out the soldier once he had a spare moment. An interesting looking fellow.
At the same time Alexander saw Iolaus the blond himself spotted a familiar face. A tall, gangly young man towards the front of the army was fidgeting and looking around. Joxer.
/What's that idiot doing here - he'll get himself killed// Iolaus admired the man for his pluck, but he was never going to be a warrior. Iolaus wondered how Joxer had avoided Xena's protective wrath to get this far. The warrior princess treated Joxer like a naughty puppy - surely she wouldn't have let Joxer do anything as foolish as joining an army. She obviously didn't know about it.
Joxer himself was wondering how he'd let himself get talked into this. To be honest he'd started to cool on the idea of being a warrior. Lately he'd been more drawn to carpentry, or farming - even tailoring. Anything but fighting. But something happened the day he visited Ares temple to give one last prayer - before turning to another more sensible god, like Aphrodite. Or Dionysus even, at least you get to drink wine and get completely out of it as a Bacchae.
In all the years he'd prayed to Ares he'd had no sign of acknowledgement. Not one. But the second he decided to withdraw his worship the bearded god suddenly decided to take an interest.
He'd actually appeared before Joxer. It was extraordinary. And for some reason he wanted Joxer to join the great general Alexander in his campaign to slaughter and conquer.
And you don't refuse when a god asks you something personally - at least not if you're sensible.
So Joxer acceded to Ares' demands and joined the army. Only now he was wondering what exactly was in it for him.
Iolaus approached Joxer and laid a firm hand on his shoulder. Joxer swung around spasmodically, almost catching Iolaus with his impractically heavy sword.
"Easy," Iolaus said as he waited for Joxer to gain some sort of composure.
"Iolaus, what are you doing here? Where's Hercules?" Joxer looked around expectantly and excitedly.
"He and I have had a little..um...disagreement." Iolaus rubbed his chin.
Joxer looked disappointed. Crestfallen even. Iolaus wondered briefly if the pseudo-warrior had a little bit of a crush on the demigod, but he immediately pushed the thought to the back of his mind.
"Joxer what are you doing here - don't you think it's a little dangerous?"
"I can take care of myself. Besides I'm under divine protection - Ares himself sent me."
"Yeah sure he did," Iolaus smiled. Well if nothing else Joxer still had the unfailing ability to amuse.
"He did." Joxer insisted.
Iolaus could see from the hurt look that Joxer really believed what he was saying.
"Ares sent you - all right. I believe you. Why?"
"Why did he send me?" Joxer was stumped by that.
Iolaus had a suspicion that whatever Ares was up to it wasn't pleasant. He'd learned from bitter experience that the god would stop at nothing to indulge in his whims. Joxer was obviously the pawn in one of his games.
"Joxer. Maybe you should go find Xena and Gabrielle - they'll look after you. It's not safe here."
"I'm not a child - and I'm not an idiot - I told you I can take care of myself." Joxer turned away from Iolaus.
"All right - but stay close to me. If anything happens to you there'll be Tartarus to pay when Xena catches up with me."
Joxer grinned.
"Hey - I'd like to see that. She sure gets angry easily - and she's really quite creative in her methods of torture."
The boy was developing quite a grim sense of humour, Iolaus noted. He looked Joxer up and down
/Hmm - maybe not such a boy// he thought as his eyes rested on Joxer's crotch.
Joxer noticed Iolaus' attention and smiled slowly to himself.
He'd had a crush on Gabrielle for as long as he'd known her, but he knew deep down it was the similarity in build, colouring and temperament to Iolaus that he was really attracted to. If he was realistic, he realized he was unlikely to get either - but at least he could voice his love if he substituted Gabrielle's name for Iolaus in everyday conversation. Xena was scary - but he really didn't want to get on the wrong side of Hercules.
But now it looked as though Hercules was out of the picture. And it also looked as though Iolaus might be more interested in him than he'd realized.
"Iolaus - never mind what I'm doing here. Why are you here?"
"Personal reasons." Iolaus said gravely.
"This wouldn't be anything to do with Thebes would it?" Although Joxer was never a member of the Sacred Band he had known quite a few warriors who were.
Iolaus nodded. "I came here without a real plan. Now I'm here I'm even less certain what to do."
"If it's any comfort I've got no idea why I'm here either."
"Yeah - you already said," Iolaus laughed in spite of himself.
Ares watched from a distance. After his attempt at seducing Iolaus went... a little awry... he'd kept a watchful eye on the little blond. Whatever Aphrodite said about Cupid's role in the whole debacle, the god of war had a feeling he was more in control of his emotions than any of them realized. Since that night - years ago now - he'd barely touched another mortal. In fact there were less than half-a-dozen mortals that he had any interest in at all. Two of them were engaged in conversation at that moment.
He'd been mad at Cupid after the Iolaus incident. It had taken a while to get revenge - but persuading Alexander to completely destroy his son's stupid little cult had been inspired. Especially as, under different circumstances, Alexander himself might have been tempted to join the Sacred Band.
Strictly speaking the band had been more the property of Eros - Cupid's predecessor. Ares remembered the days long ago when Eros, Ares and sister Eris shared stuff like that. They took in turns - love and war and discord - always together, triplets joined at the hip. But then Eros wanted to be 'cute'. He decided to be reborn as the son of Aphrodite and Ares. Of course he didn't tell Ares his plan.
So now Ares was his own brother's son. And as for Discord - after Eros went she became almost impossible to handle.
When Joxer and his brothers - Jett and Jace -were born their father gave them to Ares, Eris and Eros. - triplets to triplets. He was of the old school - still worshipping the old gods in the old way. Only he never really specified which brother should go to which deity and the brothers had grown up a little mixed-up. And since Eros was now Cupid, and a lot different, Ares wasn't sure he should get one of them anyway.
There'd been a lot of fighting about that over the years. Petty, silly fighting. At first Discord had wanted all three - but then she saw them and decided to pass. Cupid had argued for Joxer and Jace and said Ares could have Jett. But Ares thought he should have at least two - if not all three. In the end they'd decided on a compromise. During their childhood the three brothers were on a revolving schedule - when Cupid was looking after Jace and Jett, Ares could have Joxer and vice versa. After a while, and when it became obvious Jett was more like Ares and Jace was one of Cupid's the gods decided to have one each and share Joxer.
Ares was not going to let Cupid win this one. The fact that Joxer was always going belong to Discord didn't matter to the war god. She didn't want him and Cupid did.
And now Alexander's army was becoming huge - much more impressive than Cupid's effort - but his soldiers had started to worship Alexander. Not Ares.
The King of Macedonia was asking for it. A living god indeed? He needed to be taught a lesson - soon.
Alexander hated his father - his mortal father - Philip and had managed to have him killed only last month.
It had been fun.
Now he was the king of Macedonia. Soon he'd be king of the world. Maybe even king of the gods. But at the moment he just needed something to take his mind off his godhood. He sent his chief eunuch, Arnorimma, to find the little blond man he'd seen earlier.
Iolaus was still talking to Joxer when Arnorimma found him.
"You have to come with me - the king wants you."
The chief eunuch was proud of his office. He'd served Alexander's family faithfully since he was a child and had risen the ranks swiftly by boot licking, arse licking and other sexual favours.
Iolaus looked at the eunuch with distaste. "I'm busy - go away." He turned back to Joxer.
"He can come too - you can carry on the discussion in the kings tent. It's an order." Arnorimma said.
Iolaus sighed and followed the eunuch. Joxer clattered behind them.
Alexander was waiting. When Iolaus entered the tent he smiled. The smile quickly turned to a frown at the sight of the young man following close behind.
A strange figure wearing what looked like the lid of a small cauldron where a breastplate should be. His hair sticking up in all directions and eyes that were obviously created just so the the expression "gimlet stare" could be used. He looked almost oriental - like one of the warriors from the great eastern plains. Perhaps he was related to a great warlord.
Alexander recovered himself. The smile returned, bigger and more welcoming. Yes an extra pair of hands could come in useful - especially for what Alexander had in mind over the next few hours.
Alexander was fascinated with the east, he tried a few words of the language of the Mongols to try and make the interesting young man feel more at home. Joxer stared uncomprehending.
"Uh?" He replied.
Alexander dismissed his eunuch. He'd need him later for oiling and bathing duties - but for now he was just going to try and get to know the two men in his tent on a less... intimate level. He liked to know a bit about his conquests.
Iolaus was starting to get uncomfortable. For some strange reason the man he was trying to kill had taken an interest in him. Maybe he'd discovered the plan. But that didn't make sense - surely a man like Alexander would protect himself with bodyguards if he thought there was any danger of death. And there were no bodyguards - except perhaps for the eunuch that had brought them here. And he didn't exactly look dangerous.
And close up Alexander was even more strikingly charismatic.
"Nice tent." Iolaus said, just for something to say. Alexander looked down at his burgeoning erection as Iolaus spoke. He smiled at the blond.
"Would you like to sit down?" the king gestured to the cushions scattered on the floor.
Iolaus and Joxer lowered themselves to the floor. Alexander was already sprawled across a pile of cushions. He took a drag on a hookah pipe and offered it to them. They accepted out of politeness. Joxer coughed as the rich smoke filled his lungs.
"It's a habit I picked up on my travels," Alexander said," I like to try the best of everywhere I visit?
Where are you two form by the way?"
"I'm from Thebes," Iolaus said firmly - not in the mood for deception. If he was going to kill this man he may as well know why.
Alexander's face lit up at Iolaus words. "Thebes. Well, well, I 've just been to Thebes - didn't get much chance to collect any souvenirs though - maybe you can be my trophy."
Iolaus winced.
"Are you here for revenge?" Alexander continued.
"I was." Iolaus stared at the Macedonian.
"If it's any comfort I really didn't like slaughtering all those innocent women and children - much." Alexander smiled coquettishly.
Iolaus suddenly realized something. This man really didn't care - and he really believed himself to be a god. Maybe he was.
"Were you ever a member of the Sacred Band?" Alexander said with a fascinated tone of voice. " I always wanted to join them - but they said I couldn't. It was because of where I'm from." Alexander said bitterly. "They called me a stupid little shepherd boy. Me - son of Zeus. I showed them. And then the man who called himself my father decided to destroy them for me. Philip," Alexander grimaced at the name.
"Are you going to kill me too?" Iolaus asked.
"What?" Alexander said distractedly, " Oh - no - I don't think so - that's all in the past I have better things to do now."
Joxer had been sitting there, quietly fascinated by the interchange.
"Hey - they wouldn't let me join either." He said suddenly.
"Yes but you didn't react quite as violently did you?" Iolaus said quietly.
"I'm bored - let's just get on with it. I want you - both. And I'm a king - and a god - why do I have to keep reminding people?" Alexander lay back melodramatically - his arm across his head.
Joxer and Iolaus looked at each other. This man was obviously mad. But was it a good idea to get on the wrong side of a mad man?
"Do you always get what you want?" Joxer asked.
"No - I don't. That's why I have to make people give it to me." Alexander said petulantly.
Iolaus shook his head. Why was he wasting time hating a spoilt little boy?
He got up to leave.
"Where are you going?" Alexander whined.
"You're not a god - you're not even a man. It's too much trouble to destroy you." Iolaus said.
Joxer got up too.
"No. Not you too? I demand you stay."
"Oh - Ok." Joxer said. A soldier always followed orders.
Iolaus returned. He was wrong about the guards - Alexander had posted half-a-dozen at the lip of the tent. Too many for Iolaus to consider fighting without Hercules' help. Although he would have tried if it were not for for the strange fogginess that had suddenly invaded his mind.
He looked at the hookah pipe - and passed out. Joxer looked at Iolaus, then back to Alexander - before falling to the ground in a crumpled heap.
Autolycus and Hercules had had a long talk after the events in the forest. They'd both decided to find Iolaus before he did something stupid. Hercules' strength still hadn't completely returned - although he was less weak than he'd been in the prison. And after some experimentation Autolycus had finally got to grips with the invisibility. Now he could control it with hardly any sexual stimulation.
They'd been on the road for two days and were almost all the way to Alexander's camp.
"I still don't know why he wanted to join the army of a tyrant." Hercules said.
Sometimes Hercules was such a knucklehead. Autolycus sighed.
"Did you ever think he might have been doing this to punish you?"
"Why would he do that?" Hercules stared dumbly.
"Have you ever considered why stayed with you all this time? I don't think he was in it just to help people."
"Iolaus liked helping people."
"Hercules - think - everyone else could see the way he felt about you. The flirting, the looks when he gave you when he thought no-one else was watching. Did you never think he was in love with you?"
"Don't be ridiculous."
"And you are - despite all your protestations - completely useless without him."
"I resent that."
"Face it big guy - you need him. Stop arguing."
"What about me and you?" Hercules said - it was almost a whisper.
"That's different." Autolycus said, avoiding the question slightly.
The pair had come to the crest of a hill. Before them lay a wide plain filled with Alexander's army.
"Well we're here," Autolycus said.
When Iolaus awoke he found himself in a steamy room. Arnorimma was anointing him with scented oil.
"What are you doing?" He tried to jump up, but he was still too disorientated to move with any co-ordination.
Arnorimma pushed him down.
"The master wanted you a little more relaxed."
"More relaxed ?" This was ridiculous - if completely passed out wasn't relaxed enough then what was?
A thought occurred to him. "What have you done with Joxer?" The poor boy must be scared out of his wits.
Joxer was in fact happy and comfortable. He hadn't had sex like that for - well he'd never had sex like that.
The Macedonian king was at that moment stroking the pseudo-warrior's chest, a sated look on his face matching Joxer's goofy expression.
"Are you an eastern prince, sent to tempt me?" Alexander asked.
"Um... no.. I don't think so. And I don't think I've ever played that game - I usually prefer legionnaire and centurion. I tried to get Gabby to play that once or twice but it never worked..."
Alexander silenced Joxer with a kiss.
"Oh my," said Joxer as the king pulled away.
Just then Iolaus appeared.
"Joxer - what are you doing."
"Oh hi Iolaus ," Joxer said as if nothing unusual was happening.
"Ah the main course," Alexander smiled.
"The main what?"
Alexander stood up and walked towards the blond. Iolaus eyes were drawn towards the king's naked body. He looked away quickly.
"I came here to kill you." Iolaus said.
"Yes I guessed. And you already told me. Bit of a give-away. Do you still want to kill me?"
"Not really - it seems a bit pointless. Besides another tyrant would just rise to take your place."
"Yes but not like me." Alexander pouted.
Iolaus laughed. This man was an enigma - how had some one so petulant, so young, persuaded thousands of men to follow him blindly?
Ares chose that moment to appear.
"It's because he's not who he appears to be - are you... Dionysus?"
"Damn - Ares, why do you have to ruin everything?" Dionysus/Alexander stamped his foot.
"Why are you trying to take all my followers - why can't you get some of your own?"
"I've got some - I don't want them. Bacchae are weird, they're too scary. And hardly any men join. It's not fair."
"You have millions of worshippers - more than me - you're just greedy." Ares was starting to get extremely frustrated with his wayward brother. He flung a ball of fire from his arm. Alexander let it hit him, absorbing the energy.
Iolaus and Joxer stared open mouthed at the spectacle.
"He's really a god?" Iolaus was stunned.
"Yes, unfortunately, he is. My father can be very careless sometimes," Ares snorted.
Iolaus shook his head in disbelief.
"Come on Joxer - we're going." Ares said suddenly.
"Huh?" You go your whole life without seeing one god, and all of a sudden two turn up at once. What next? Zeus himself?
"What do you want Joxer for?" Iolaus was starting to get very confused.
"Joxer is my property, I don't want anyone else to have him."
"Your property?" A voice behind Ares intoned.
Ares and Iolaus turned around to see where the voice had come from. From where they were standing Joxer and Dionysus were already aware of its owner.
"Discord?"
"Why are you fighting over this pathetic mortal? He belongs to me, and I don't want to do anything with him. Why are you so interested?" Discord stood with her hands on her hips and glared at Ares.
"I just am." Ares wasn't entirely sure himself - but it was a matter of honour.
"What is it with you and mortals anyway? You're obsessed Ares."
"You're not interested because you don't have any worshippers Discord - nobody loves you, nobody wants you. You're just jealous." Dionysus smiled at the goddess.
Discord shot a bolt of black light from her eyes. Dionysus just absorbed it. He had started to glow with energy.
"All right - maybe I do want him. Maybe I can think of plenty to do with him." Discord walked over to Joxer and fixed him with a predatory stare. Joxer gulped.
"You're not having him Discord." Ares shot a bright silver light at Joxer, making him disappear.
"Hey - where'd he go?" Discord pouted.
"Somewhere safe."
"No fair Ares - I hadn't started on him." Discord said, disappearing in a steely shower.
"And I hadn't finished with him," Alexander/Dionysus added.
"Will someone please tell me what's going on?" Iolaus said.
"Oh, are you still here? Say, why are you here anyway - Jerkules finally decided he's had enough of you?"
"I was here for revenge - I'm obviously not going to get any."
Ares looked Iolaus up and down with a smile. "Oh I'd say you definitely were going to get some."
Ares flashed out of the tent. The smile still on his lips.
Hercules and Iolaus chose that moment to come bursting in.
"Ooh - more worshippers." Alexander said excitedly.
"Iolaus?" Hercules looked at the naked, oiled Iolaus with bemusement.
"Have we come at the wrong time?" Autolycus asked.
"No - you've come at a very good time - your mad relatives have been having some bizarre fight about who owns Joxer," Iolaus looked at Hercules who looked lost.
"Joxer? Who won?"
"Er, excuse me - has everyone forgotten I'm still here?" Alexander folded his arms.
"Who's the guy?" Autolycus asked.
"I'm not entirely sure," Iolaus said, "It's all a bit complicated. But I think he's Dionysus."
"Hey - another relative." Autolycus smiled and stepped forward, his hand outstretched to be shaken.
Dionysus looked at the thief warily and then to Hercules for an explanation.
"Um.. Dionysus...nice to meet you - I suppose you're my brother. And this is your nephew."
"Nephew?" Iolaus day was just getting stranger. "Is everyone part god now - did I miss something? Am I the only completely mortal person left?"
Dionysus giggled. They all stared at him.
"Oh I'm sorry. It's just refreshing to meet someone who isn't aware of his own divinity."
"Ha ha - very funny."
"No seriously - am I the only one here that knows?"
"Knows what Dionysus? You're not making any sense." Hercules had a feeling nothing was going to make sense ever again.
"He' s forgotten - I realized when he came here and didn't recognize me. I suppose it's not that surprising - it's quite traumatic when people don't worship you as much as they used to."
"What are you talking about?"
"Helios here - he's forgotten." Alexander said as though that would explain everything.
"His name is Iolaus."
"Well yes now it is - but it wasn't before when he knew he was a god, when the masses were wild for him. But it's all right - his time will come again - he'll remember."
Iolaus felt a shiver going through his body as he listened to this exchange.
"Helios?" He said quietly.
"See - it's all coming back to him. Helios, god of the sun, charioteer of the sky," Alexander intoned with a singsong voice.
"Isn't that Apollo?" Autolycus said.
"Oh no - he's just doing the job while Helios has a bit of a rest."
"But I've known Iolaus for over twenty years - we would know if a god was in our midst - I've had a lot of experience with gods." Hercules said.
"Helios?" Iolaus repeated.
"I can see this is all a bit much - I'll let you get on with it," Alexander said with a dismissive gesture.
"Go now," he demanded when the three made no move to leave.
The demigod, semi-demigod and god walked in silence along the track to Corinth. Joxer was forgotten - they were all too preoccupied. Iolaus was still a bit sceptical about the Helios thing - but then again he was finding it difficult to remember anything that happened in the deep distant past. And if his parents weren't really his parents he that couldn't be bad. His mother was a nice woman sure - but if Skouros wasn't his father he could feel so much less guilty about hating him.
"Are you all right?" Hercules had started to feel a lot better. It was as if he was feeding off Iolaus life energy. Still if Iolaus was in charge of the sun he had a lot of energy left to give.
"Uh...not really Herc. I mean, a god?"
"Iolaus, trust me, you're not a god."
"I'm not?"
Autolycus decided to add to the conversation: "I think he is. Much as I hate to admit it he is sort of glowy."
"Glowy?" Iolaus smiled.
"Yeah, sure. And speaking as someone who is son of a god and grandson of the north wind, I think I know what I'm talking about?"
"You're what?"" Iolaus was confused.
Hercules explained: "It's true - he's Hermes' son."
Iolaus shook his head. This was getting ridiculous.