| ~* MaH daD`z RuLez *~ |
| ~* WeLL..HeR3 ChU Gop BoYz..MaH DaDz rUlEz..i fInK..Chu aLl BeTtEr bE aFRaId..cUz..iF cHu wAnnA tAkE m3 oUt fOr A dAt3..rEaD dIz..AnD tAkE nOtE.... ApPly ThEsE RuLeS fOr OuR FiRsT DaTe..If cHu MaKe MaH DaD HaPpY..OuR NeXt DaT3 WiLL bE MoRe EaSIeR FoR YoU..I PrOmIz cHu dIz...If chU MaKe HiM aNgwY...chU WiLL sUrElY bE..WaKiNg Up In HoSpItaL oN tHa NeXt FoLLoWiNg Day...So..AlL cHu BoYz..WhO WaNtz Me..ReaD DiZ PlEaZe *lAuGhiNg OuT LouDZ* |
| Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. |
| Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not look at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them immediatley. |
| Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete IdiOT. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so will comprimise this..: You may come to my door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will understand. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, come off..during the date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. |
| Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me make this clearer, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. |
| Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I need from you is an answer from you of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early" |
| Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. |
| Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter . My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? |
| Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear short shorts , singlets, boob tubes or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and long sleeved shirt . Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. |
| Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be an old, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted man. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, mercyfull God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with who, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a sumarai and a bazooka so dont you dare mess with me. |
| Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes little for me to not recognise the sound of your car in my driveway for a helicopter coming over a rice paddy in the philippines. When my BOY-ALARM starts acting up, the voices in my head tells me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into my driveway you should exit the car with both hands in full sight. Tell my daughter goodnight, but do not touch her, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. |
| ~* WeLL dEr ChU gOeZ...AfTeR rEadInG ThaT..Do ChU BoYZ StILL wAnT Me??..*wInKz WiNkZ gIgGl3z* |
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