Shacking Up, 2
By
EntreNous

****

It wasn't clear to Spike exactly why Xander's purchases seemed…off. The trip to the bathroom to stow his oil had indeed turned into a full-on soaking, and the Rolling Stone was already in damp tatters, having been dropped into the steaming water three times.

Spike dropped the magazine derisively. He sneered menacingly to himself in the bath as he shrugged his shoulders lower into the warm scented water and then pouted.

Why should Xander buying him things be a problem? After all, as a Master Vampire, he was used to having his needs and whims fulfilled before he'd even quite realized he had had them. Minions had kept him in bootleg Sex Pistols CDs, his favorite brand of smokes, even things like the hard-to-obtain Jammy Dodgers (once his court had gotten online access they acquired all kinds of good stuff-Dru herself was partial to Double Deckers and Aero bars, even when she forgot to feed on blood like a normal vamp).

Like the best of concierges or valets, his minions had gotten him tickets to the Buzzcocks reunion tour before he'd even heard they were on the road again, offered him manacles (purchased even before he'd decided to torture his latest victim), and even placed bowls of razors and laundry bags filled with oranges thoughtfully throughout the mansion.

True, they were a thick-headed bunch when it came to trapping the Slayer or assembling disembodied demons, but they were good at the little things that made life…nice. Spike felt slightly wistful as he recalled how they'd worked so hard to keep him comfortable that he hadn't even really noticed them. Not even to mention how they had thought even to supply Dru with odd bits of ribbon and lace to keep her dollies lovely.

But Xander was no vampire minion, and even though he belonged to what Spike had once fondly referred to as the "vast array of edibles crawling the earth," it seemed odd to lump the boy in the category of those who fetched and carried for him, even if it was in the subcategory of human caretaker. Spike scoffed. Xander his human caretaker. Piffle. Even if said human caretaker did nice things, and fixed stuff, and looked so biteable when he ate twinkies…"None of that now," Spike muttered as he shook his head, trying to clear the images flashing through his brain of Xander going down on cakey goodness, Xander slurping on Popsicles, Xander sliding a banana into his mouth, Xander sucking on…other kinds of treats.

Spike shook his head with awesome finality, and twisted his lips into a frightening scowl as he exfoliated his feet.

Suddenly, he dropped his loofah and sat bolt upright, splashing water on the floor. Human caretaker? Caretaker??? What did that make Spike, some kind of bleeding pet?

* * *

Xander jabbed his finger sharply right between Willow's shoulder-blades. "Hey!" She cried out angrily as she woke up with a start, then "Hey!" in a friendly way when Buffy and Giles turned to her. "Hey now, don't look so blue, your plan will work, you're good at the planning 'cause you're…planny," she finished plaintively.

Giles cleared his throat. "Yes, well."

"Thanks for the pep talk, Will" Buffy said impatiently even as she scrunched up her nose affectionately at the redhead.

"How long was I out?" Willow whispered to Xander once the Slayer and her Watcher were again engrossed in strategizing.

" 'Bout ten minutes. I almost went under myself, but then I remembered that I was on watch tonight."

Willow nodded gratefully. She and Xander took turns being the one who got to space out at meetings, and the other one always kept a sharp eye out for droopy eyelids before the snoring started. "I had a chem test today, and I'd been up for 39 hours studying before it."

"No worries, Will. The Xan-man will watch your back." Xander patted her shoulder reassuringly, then shook her by the shoulder vigorously when her head started to fall forward.

"Xander?" Buffy inquired.

"Just convincing Miss Stubborn over here that we can't go out and just fight this thing alone. Not without you. I mean, you being the Slayer and all."

Buffy's eyes narrowed at Willow, who sat up straight and tried her best to look foolhardy and aggressive. "We could so take this on ourselves, except for that we can't, 'cause Xander's right, and you're-and…no matter how defiant and brazen I am…well…"

Buffy nodded uncertainly, then grinned at the two on the couch. "Okay, you two. Time for good little slayerettes to be in bed. This thing won't be able to emerge for three days now that it's made the first kill, and I just need to do another routine sweep tonight. So you are hereby" she waved her hand magnanimously, "dismissed!"

"Wow really?" "you sure, 'cause we'd be glad to, with the helping-" "You're the best, Buff!" "Call if you know, need-" "Bye!" The two of them scrambled over each other in their rush to dash out the door.

Giles sighed. "Perhaps all of you should get some sleep. You've already made one pass at the cemeteries tonight, and you'll need to conserve your strength for the battle ahead."

Buffy hopped off the long table nimbly, then smiled sleepily at Giles. "Okay, Watcher o' mine. I'm going home to bury myself under my covers and snore like a jackhammer."

"One thing before you depart, Buffy-"

Buffy sighed dramatically, eased her arm out of the jacket she had been putting on, and flopped down into Giles's comfy chair. "What's up?" She suppressed a yawn.

"It's just a thought I had about our Xander and…Spike. Now that Xander's settled in to the new apartment, and Spike is fairly self-sufficient and can at least fight demons, perhaps it is time to make new arrangements for Spike. We might raise the topic at our next gathering. I notice that Xander falls asleep at meetings more often now,--"

"Except for when Willow does." Buffy volunteered helpfully.

"Yes, quite. But Willow is exhausted from midterms, and Xander just seems… exhausted.

Lord knows that I barely slept at all when Spike stayed with me. Xander's a young man, but even his stamina can't take helping you on your missions, and working construction, and getting over a painful breakup, and taking on the responsibilities of a rather demanding-"

"Housevamp," Buffy finished. "Maybe you're right, Giles. I don't want him getting hurt. Or even just getting fired. I thought he seemed a little out of it because of the whole split with Anya. But now that you're mentioning it, maybe taking Spike out of the Harris residence is the best solution to getting bouncy Xander back." She paused. "Thanks."

"For what?" He smiled fondly at her.

"For looking out for all of us. For taking care of us. You do it so much, and all the time too, maybe we forget to tell you that we notice."

Giles suddenly looked very interested in polishing his lenses with his handkerchief. Then he looked up and nodded briefly. "Of course."

The two of them stood grinning goofily at one another for a moment. "Okey-doke," Buffy chirruped finally. "Time for me to go beddy-bye, and tomorrow we start looking for new arrangements for the Fangless Menace."

"Good night, Buffy. Do be careful walking home."

" 'Course!" She waggled her fingers at him, and slipped out the door.

* * *

Xander whistled as he let himself in. Time for bed, time for sleep, he repeated sing-songily in his head all the way home after dropped Willow off at the dorm. He was finally used to sleeping alone in his bed now that it had been a few months since Anya's departure. Now he was in a new place, new bed, and he wasn't even sleeping on his “side" anymore, just sprawled out wantonly in the middle of the king-sized mattress.

So he was really looking forward to crashing, he thought as he slipped off his shoes in the hallway. He straightened up, and headed into the common room. He looked to the left automatically to see if Spike's door was closed, or if the vampire had headed out for some demon-fighting action. That was when the first yellow missile flew past his head.

"What the-"

He managed to duck the second airborn twinkie, but only realized what exactly Spike was lobbing at him when the third one hit him on his shoulder. "I just bought those!" Xander exclaimed, more concerned in the moment for his snacks than the fact that Spike had decided to throw said snacks at him. "Damn value box," Xander screamed as he realized that Spike had just used his vamp speed to hurl what seemed like eight twinkies at him at once. One hit the bridge of Xander's nose, another landed behind his head, another oozed into two parts when it hit his collarbone and squished inside his shirt.

"I'm not!" hurl "your bloody" lob "pet, you wanker" toss throw launch.

Two sponge cakes hit Xander in his gut, and then three hit him in the crotch in rapid succession.

"Huh? What? You're not my what now?" Xander stopped shielding his face and groin with his arms, seeing as how Spike seemed to have run out of twinkies. He ducked just in time to avoid the empty twinkie box, but shrieked "Truce! Truce!" when he saw Spike eyeing the box of brown-sugar-frosted Pop Tarts.

Spike leaned on the kitchen counter, his face hard and cold. Suddenly he looked cheerful. "Hey, I can throw twinkies at you without setting off the chip! I wonder, 'cause they're soft, or is it all things in the food category? Or more like the toxic crap category."

"Now hold just a gosh-darned minute" Xander stopped with his finger raised, realizing he was about to defend the deliciousness and goodness of twinkies to the vampire. He threw up his arms and paced for a moment or two. Then he sank down onto the couch.

Spike slammed himself into sitting position on the other end of the couch. He cast hateful glances at the brown-head resting in Xander's hands. "Spike, you mind explaining-"

"M'notyer bleedinpet." Spike spat out.

"My pet?" Xander looked genuinely confused and for a moment Spike almost relented. Then he remembered what this was about, and stood his ground.

"Let's see…work, brain, work…what was the last thing-was it this morning? Or was it…why am I trying to think about this like it makes sense?" Xander turned doubtfully to his assailant of a moment ago, realizing that unfortunately the crazy towhead was the only one in the room with the information explaining the attack. "You gotta help me out here, man, 'cause I don't have a freakin' clue what you're talking about."

"Oh, sure you don't, nummy," Spike accused him. "You've been buying me blood, sure, but I happen to know for a fact that those Rolling Stones don't just show up here. And the bath oil? What gives you the right? And how dare-I'm supposed to steal money out of your wallet to buy cigarettes; you're not supposed to bring 'em home to me like a prezzie!"

Xander leaned forward in what he hoped was a placating manner. He placed his hand on Spike's arm and nodded at him to show he meant no harm. Then he lost it. "Have you really gone insane?" he yelped in the most comforting shriek he could muster.

"Don't you try to change the subject, now," Spike snarled, then looked blankly at Xander.

"And that subject is…your status as Slightly Naughty kitten or Big Bad cougar?" Xander asked, his voice growing in volume once more. "What is your deal, Fangless? I get the new place, I don't even think about where you're going to go, I just assume you're coming with. Am I a fucking idiot-the one bedroom would have been cheaper. And a lot less-" he gestured at the twinkies littering the floor "-vampy destructo battle field. Christ, you'd think you'd thank me for picking you up stuff once in a while. Not like you ever get me anything, right? And my pet? I have no idea where the hell that came from. If anything, we're roommates, and if we're even that by the end of the week, then I owe you another five bucks. Because I'm not going to put up with this kind of shit."

Spike sank back to the couch as Xander spun on his heel and slammed himself into his bedroom. "Oh, good one, Spike!" he muttered to himself. "Nicely done." Then he grabbed his duster and stalked out the door. Maybe he’d been the one to mess things up, but damned if he was going to stay here tonight.