| Gallery Of Horror |
| There are bad movies that are so bad they are cheesy fun. The Twilight People
is a good example as far as that category. Then there are movies that are so bad that you would almost rather endure putting your scrotum on a speeding belt sander than view it again. GALLERY OF HORROR falls into that category. This anthology is also known as DR TERROR'S GALLERY OF HORRORS or by RETURN TO THE PAST or BLOOD SUCKERS but probably a better title is SCREAMING FREAKING AGONY FOR ALMOST 90 MINUTES. It stars John Carradine, Lon Chaney and a cast that was never heard from again (thankfully). There are 5 uhmmm stories in this flick guaranteed to send you into fits of howling laughter or just make your bowels explode in agony. John Carradine shows up as a narrator in a bad prom tux and proceeds to bull$#!t for a few minutes before each story.He's standing in front of a blue screen matte shot of the ocean? Why? Because it was cheap.How he could look so serious while spouting such drivel was a testament to his acting abilities. The first ditty is entitled The Witch's Clock. This abomination involves two cardboard sets.We have foisted upon us a young couple that bought a house that looks like it was stolen from AIP's House Of Usher (and it was). They find a grandfather clock and wind it up which causes John Carradine to show up and look for a sandwich and a job. He gets both and the look on John's face when he is eating that sandwich is priceless. Must have been a possum meat sandwich.You know he's hoping the check clears. After 15 minutes of endless talking about old witches and curses somebody stops the clock and presto! We get Roger Corman's burning chicken coop scene from all of those endless AIP Poe films. Somehow the house is intact and somebody else buys it and damn if it doesn't end with Carradine looking for a free lunch again!That boy was hungry! The next contestant is King Vampire. This is supposedly set in London England and nobody has an english accent. A few folks sound like they are from Alabama trying to effect an accent. Scotland Yard is populated by doofuses. Thankfully most of the idiot yokels get killed off and the twist ending is so telegraphed my dog figured it out. Monster Raid flat out sucks.Do you recall the wild carriage ride Jack Nicholson had in AIP's 1963 The Raven? Well you can see it about 10 times in this story.Obviously it was the middle ages equivalent of frequent flyer miles as the guy takes endless rides back and forth. Oh yeah we also get some scenes lifted from House Of Usher. I sure hope somebody sent Corman a check. Oh this is about some scientist who comes back from the dead to kill his elderly unfaithful wife and her lover. A panty raid would be more exciting. Spark Of Life is set in Scotland in the 1800's and has Lon Chaney as a professor which is really stretching it.He schooled with Frankenstein and stole a few of his theories. Two dumb arsed students help him restore life to a serial killer.Bad move but at least he does kill all of the idiots in the vicinity. Again nobody has an accent. Also did you know that in the 1800's they had bic pens, wrist watches and rotary telephones? Well at least they do in this skit, err story. Alucard (look at it backwards) has John Harker going to see Count Alucard and selling him some real estate. This Dracula must have had his makeup done by Groucho Marx. His beard looks like it is nothing but shoe polish and his half of a moustache consists of two brown pipe cleaning stems. Dracula's accent places him somewhere from the wilds of Brooklyn or Flatbush but not Transylvania.Also the twist ending (duh) involves a werewolf. The sound is very hollow which leads me to think it was rerecorded in a men's bathroom stall. The costumes look like they are from the local high school drama club.The sets are ludicrous. The best way to view this film is either with your eyes closed and softly snoring or late late at night just trying to pick out all of the obvious screwups. This is not out on dvd yet. Thankfully. |
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