Week17

This week was the 6 month anniversary of Faith being born to Heaven.....I am just in disbelief.....I cannot believe it has been 6 months and just about a year since she was conceived......Time is such a funny thing cause it feels like yesterday that it all happened and I didn't know how I would ever live through losing my daughter.....I never thought I would ever smile or laugh again, I never thought that I would live to see another day where I didn't break down and sob from the agony of losing her....as others told me give it time and it would get better, I never could see how that would be possible......

Then on the other hand.....I feel like I have been it has been an eternity.....so much has happened in our lives the last year that it all feels like we have lived a lifetime in these 12 months....

Although, not an hour goes by that I do not think of Faith, miss her, wish she was here, wonder why she had to be taken from us, wonder what she would look like now and what types of cute baby things she would be doing......I do not have agonizing pain I had in the beginning, I have found some closure...much of which came after I passed my due date.....and although they do tend to creep up on me from time to time....my days of breaking down and sobbing seem to be over. Now it is more of a few tears falling here and there, or a quiet, private cry when I think of her, see another baby girl, or something reminds me of her (which it still seems like almost everything is a reminder).....I have realized that life does go on, there still will be happiness and no matter where she is, she will always be our little girl and she will always be our first child....we will always long for her and the hurt we have will never go away.....but it also will not be the most fore-front thing on our minds like has been over the last 6 months.....

In honor of our preciuos daughter, I would like to put her poem here on this week's journal entry........

FAITH

Although the end came much too soon,
we are thankful for every minute Faith was here with us.
Even though her life in this physical world started
and ended at the same moment,
her spirit, her energy and her soul will be with us forever.

It has been said her soul will come back to enter our lives again.
Some believe she is now an angel,
that God needed another beautiful, loving angel
to help him watch over us.
Others believe her energy has passed on, that she continues to be,
only now without the bonds of a physical body.
We believe all of these to be true,
that she will always be around us, watching and guiding us.

We know...if we look, we can see her beauty all around us.
In the simplest things like a flower in a vase or
a star in the night sky.
If we listen, we can hear her voice reassuring us
although she never spoke.
If we believe, we can feel her touch
as she guides us through this time and times to follow.

Through all of this, we have learned
our little baby girl Faith has given us just that...faith.
In ourselves to know that all things, regardless of their outcome,
have a purpose and somehow teach us and help us grow.
In our family and friends, who will be there for us always.
To know that in time,
we will be able to accept and deal with this tragedy today.
To believe in the future, for all the goodness it will hold for us.
To know that no matter what lies ahead for us...
We will have our faith and
FAITH will see us through.

September 6, 2001 JPG

Faith, we know you are watching over your new little brother or sister......thank you for taking care of us and them! We love you and carry you with us always! Mom and Dad

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I think maybe our new little one has been trying to reassure me this week, as I am beginning to feel movement. It isn't very frequent.....it last just for a few seconds but I know it is the baby. It is like there is a little wiggle worm inside me! It is such a neat feeling! I don't feel it every day but I am hoping that it gets more frequent as the days go on.....I know now that as exciting as it is, this means that the hard part of the pregnancy is starting for me......I am so nervous about NOT feeling movement, and I will not be able to help being obsessive about paying attention to it. I have been having a lot of anxiety between doctors appointments.....up until now I have done OK with every 4 weeks but I now feel I need to go more often. I am going to try and hold out for our ultra-sound on the 25th and then we will discuss with my doctor having my visits be at least every 2 weeks and perhaps even every week. I just am needing that reassurance more often. We have talked about renting a doppler so I can check the baby's heartbeat at home whenever I want, but we have had such bad luck with it at the doctor's office and I know I wouldn't be able to handle not finding it......so we have ruled that out.

I went at the end of this week for my AFP blood test, the results should be in by the middle of next week......it is a no news is good news policy...so I am praying that our phone doesn't ring from the doctor's office next week!