Weeks13

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about intuition......comparing what I felt while pregnant with Faith and the feelings that I have this time....

With Faith, I had a weird feeling througout my pregnancy that I never could really put my finger on. Like I never quite fully believed that we would be coming home from the hospital in December with our baby. About a week or so before we lost her...I KNEW Something was wrong...I just felt like we were going to lose her but tried to convince myself I was crazy....2 days before we lost her...I told DH that I thought the baby was gone and that I didn't "feel" pregnant anymore (I now believe that this is the day that she probably passed away inside me) ....the day before we found out, we had gone to Boston for a whale watch and on the drive home I was daydreaming and thinking about how we would plan our baby's funeral....

There was no doubt in my mind that the day we went back to the doctor for another heartbeat check after she hadn't been moving, that we were going to find out that she was gone. I already knew that we would be leaving that office that day, with our lives changed forever and our hopes and dreams for our first little one shattered.

This time is so much harder, as I think I have said before, it is really hard to trust my feelings and I no longer can listen to my "gut feelings", as I am not sure what is real, what I want to believe, and what may be a legitimate concern.....
I do not feel that I have had that same intutition as I had with Faith, but sometimes when those anxieties and worries kick in, I wonder if they are just fears of losing another baby or if it is my intuition telling me that something awful is going to happen this time too.......

Speaking of intuition, I had my first dream about this baby and it told me the sex.....last time I had a few dreams that it was a girl and it turned out to be true......
In this dream, I had a baby, but it wasn't a newborn, it was like a 3 month old. I was holding it and said to Jim...It sure looks like a girl.... and then I looked down and saw "it" and yelled out..."No! It's a boy!!!!" and we both started laughing....it was so real!! So we will see if once again my dreams told me what we will be having. We intend to find out the sex of the baby this time.....

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On Valentine's Day, Jim had to go away for 2 weeks to Georgia. It's a deployment for work....

I have been having a really hard time without him and for some reason it was extra extra hard to say goodbye.......I think it is because we haven't been apart since we lost Faith and with everything going on in the world....I am just so afraid to have him away from me and home....

I guess after you go through a loss you really open your eyes to how much you appreciate and cherish your loved ones......and I also have become more fearful of loss....all I can think of is what is something was to happen and I lost him too.....he is my best friend and soul mate....we were made for each other and I cannot imagine life without him......so I guess I am just afraid that I will lose him like we lost our daughter.....Two weeks feels like an eternity.

I am just trying my best to be strong while he is gone, but I am not sleeping well at night and just miss him so much. Luckily he is able to call home everday. I will feel much better when he gets home safe and sound.

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Some other thoughts I had these couple of weeks......
I started to realize that all of this worrying about our pregnancies/children is never going to end!!

I was thinking......we will worry through our whole pregnancy and then if God willing we get our little miracles then we will have things like SIDS and whether or not they are breathing at night to worry about, and then there will be the first time we leave them with a babysitter, then it's onto are they safe at school....etc etc etc...
Then I was thinking about how worried my parents were about me when I went into the hospital to have Faith....so still at age 28 my parents worry about me...

I guess we have to just let go and try not to worry so much and realize that whether or not we out live our children is not in our hands.....all we can do is enjoy all of the time that we have with them...even while they are in the womb....and be thankful for the time we are given...

I am trying so hard to just "let go" this pregnancy and have Faith that this little one will be born to us and not heaven.....