A heart specialist doctor died and at his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge heart. When the
priest finished with the sermon and after everyone
said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin
rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started
laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you
laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
The Japanese banking crisis shows no sign of letting up. Origami Bank has
folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back on
some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song.
Meanwhile shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there feel they may get a
raw deal.
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went
to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a
good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
Following the discovery of numerous small holes nibbled in mattresses in
Tokyo, the Japanese Government have today confirmed the worst fears of
the city's residents by declaring that they have an outbreak of Futon
Mouse Disease on their hands.