A fleeing Taliban Arab, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little
old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out
on it. The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell
you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant;
they have all the water you need."
The Arab thanked him and staggered away towards the hill.
Three hours later he came crawling back to where the man was
sitting behind his card table.
The man said, "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you
find it?" The Arab rasped, "I found it alright, - but your brother wouldn't
let me in without a tie."
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
A jewish couple who had eight daughters desperately wanted a son and heir. On their ninth attempt they were finally blessed with a boy. They were so overjoyed, that a week later they invited all their friends to a lavish party to celebrate the birth of their son. While the party was in full swing one of the guests approached the father to congratulate him, - he said “tell me who does your little boy take after, does he resemble you, or his mother?” The father thought for a while and said “Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know - we haven’t looked at his face yet.”
While strolling along a beach in California a young man spotted a bottle sticking out of the sand. He picked it up, pulled out the cork and out came a genie. The genie said “I have been imprisoned for 10000 years; to show my gratitude for giving me my freedom back I will grant you one wish.” “Ok” said the man “build me a bridge to Hawaii. “A bridge to Hawaii? - that is a big ask; even as a genie I find that a very hard thing to do, apart from that, it would use up all the steel in the whole world; couldn’t you think of another wish?” “Ok” said the man, “I want you to tell me how to understand women.” Instantly the genie replied “How many lanes do you want on that bridge.”
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed
to be posted today, he asked his son if he got
a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he got
a part. "I play a man who's been married for
twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and
before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking
part."